stay or go.

Forums:

Hi all i'm new to this forum but desperately need feedback. I will try to limit the wording as this could get long and drawn out. ok I have lived with my partner for 8 years and although the relationship is far from perfect we secured a pretty good life together. He has 4 children and i have 1. My son is 23 has a full time job, pays room and board, drives his own car and is respectful towards both of us. He has 2 sons aged 22 AND 21 AND 2 daughters aged 19 and 17. I will start by saying i have no issues with the girls. They both go to school and work part time, they clean up after themselves and are easy to talk to if issues do arise. The boys on the otherhand have depleted both of us but me especially. Until a year ago all the kids lived with the bm quite a distance form us so contact was limited. well one day about a year ago the bm says " i just dont want to be a mother anymore" and walks out. She moved away and now lives with some guy. One by one they all came to us. All 4 in the last year and i am going nuts literally. I have no problem as previously mentioned with the girls but the boys are lazy, disrespectful and seem to feel entitled. My partner has not been very supportive of any of my concerns so he in turn has become a problem also. I need some space and my privacy back (we live in a 5 bedroom house) but the living room has been someones bedroom for a long time. I have had a few brutal altercations with the oldest son and i have asked him to leave but he never does and his dad does not really back me ever. I am so tired of cooking and cleaning up after these two i could scream. I raised my son to be a productive member of society and that he his (not an easy job); yet his boys act like 14 year olds and he does nothing. I have asked him numerous times to give them a move out date and he finally agreed (b/c i said in the new year there will be change basically its them or me). i know that is not a practical approach but i am fed up. The boys do have problems; one (the older) appears to have psychological issues (long story) and the other has a problem with alcohol. I have had to call the crisis line twice in this last year b/c i could not get through the work day without crying. I mourn the lose of how our life once was but cannot continue on the way things are. I am not trying to sound like a victim or a cry baby but maybe its time to move on. :? thoughts?

BRUTAL altercations? Did he

BRUTAL altercations? Did he get physical with you? Call the police. I would never stay with a partner who allowed this. And doing nothing IS allowing that behavior.

Why are you cooking for all of them? You were not hired to be their maid/chef and they are all old enough to cook for themselves.

Hon, if your partner is allowing his adult son to physically abuse you, why are you staying? You're miserable.

Of course bm gave the almost

Of course bm gave the almost emancipated aged kids the heave hoe. THAT alone is not unusual because when the money ends,well you figure it out.

Please explain your experience during the 'brutal altercations'

hi and i will try to explain

hi and i will try to explain the altercations ( hell no he did not put his hands on me cause would snap him like a twig): the first one occurred about 7 months ago. the oldest son managed to get a full time job (a pretty good one at that).We applauded this step and told him how much this would benefit his future ect.. Well as per usual it lasted 3 weeks. I knocked on his bedroom door and reminded he should get a lunch ready for work and he replied " i am sick so i am not going. Now keep in mind he had just spent what little money he had and spent 4 days with his mom (who we know has a drug and drinking problem). i was furious as he had not worked in about 8 months we fully supported him. So i started ranting about how this is unacceptable and if you are not to work you need to leave the gravy train over. Well his dad came out of the bedroom and basically started yelling at me and the fight was on. The second time was similar in that he had gone to visit his mom arrived home around 10 pm and asked to do laundry i said only if your r washing work clothes otherwise its too late for that. We had already told him that we get up for at 445 am and our house is silent during the week after 9 (no cooking ,no showering and no laundry). Then he asked to take a shower because he had not had one while visiting with mom and i said absolutely not u know the rules and all hell broke lose again verbal not physical. Things were said by him like, "get out of my face, don't tell me what to do ect. i was screaming by then and told him it's our home and i can and will whatever i like and again dad jumped to his defence because he said i was poking him in the chest and so on. Again i recognize the support from dad is not there and that is huge problem. Sadly i want our old life back and thats what i am holding on to but sadly it may never be again i am tryin to come to terms with that.

Yikes, Hi Depleted. It

Yikes, Hi Depleted.
It appears you have a predicament. I am glad that you have aknowledged "Them or Me" is not the best approach when you are looking for results, however, the step life can certainly put you in situations you dont want to be in and with that comes those, "them or me" situations.

I think you are not out of line, in suggesting that there be a move out date- perhaps you could give the ultimatum of 30 days to find a job and a new place, if things do not improve- the SS are certainly old enough to be on their own and they could rent out a place together. So your husband should hopefully not feel any guilt, if anything it is their BMs problem and she should feel the guilt.

I have allowed SS stb 18 to move in with SO, I, my DD and our Daughter together into my parents home, its been 5 months and he does fuck all as well, even stopped going to school. He is not an asshole, i just dont want to be supporting a 40 year old- which i think is what will happen if SS continues down the path he is going on.
I too have thought them or me and have said some really nasty things about my partners children, it helps to vent out the anger and the longing for the life we want back, but it doesnt get results. Instead there is tension. My suggestion is to continue what you are doing ie, suggest they move out, talk to your partner about what your expectations are of the SS. That was our fault- we didnt set up any expectations of SS when he moved in, so he continues to do nothing. Literally, doesnt clean up after himself ever, leaves garbage piling up on the floor i even resorted to buying paper plates, cups, cutlery etc- still doesnt clean up.

I dont even like suggesting this but if things are really that bad, maybe move out on your own, depending on who owns the house etc and continue the relationship but within the confines of your own home. If my SS continues to behave the way he is, by doing nothing, no school, no job, no contribution towards anything i may ask my partner to move, as we have no privacy and the relationship is shitty when SS is around as he is always there.

There is a term disengagement, this process doesnt happen over night, in actuality it has taken me several years to just not give a shit, in some respects I just let things happen, if the world blows up, oh well. Again the term disengagement, you will hear often but it is something that is practiced and takes time, dont get me wrong i still get my panties in a twist over stuff, but if SS is doing xyz, SO is going to have to figure it out, im done- with the cleaning, cooking, etc...disegnagment also comes easier if the kids actually live with you, which it appears is happening.
This is not an easy path but you have made it this far, try what you can to salvage your relationship if you see a future. Its easier if your partner is always on your side, or at least agrees with you most of the time. Theyll use the exscuse they are kids, or i wasnt allowed to have a relationship with them, if he says that, he will see them for what they are, takes time, but DHs eventually see kids for who they really are, once you stop cleaning his kids mess and dont care if they succeed in life or are losers.

Good Luck!

There are degrees of

There are degrees of disengagement from ignoring the skids to banning them from your home. In the OP's case, trying to disengage while living under the present conditions seems unreasonable and unrealistic. The OP needs to disengage - PLUS insist the SS leaves ASAP. Then decide the amount and type of communication she wants to have with SS. It might be she allows him to visit but be respectful to her while he is there. Or, as in my case, SO could visit SS in another location.
Or, the OP could move out and date SO. You are worthy of mutual respect by both SS and SO. You really do not owe either one of them anything - especially when it sacrifices your dignity as a human being.

I am not overlooking the dads

I am not overlooking the dads role in all this, it breaks my heart that he can't see what he is throwing away.

I'm in a similar situation

I'm in a similar situation meaning I want my SD19 to go away to college because I cannot stand one more day living with her (her and SD14 live with me full time no BM in the picture) I cannot stand her mainly because she is a compulsive liar, sneaky, manipulative, ungrateful bitch. I have hit my level of tolerating that behavior. DH does punish her for this behavior but the punishment itself is laughable. She will never change because there are no consequences to her actions and I blame DH for that. I am sick of living every day of my live upset with knots in my stomach because some dysfunctional young adult is living in MY HOUSE. My point for saying all of this is that I believe once we break up with them (because it is coming) sooner or later DH will regret it. Once these kids (or I should say young adults) get a little older and get married etc... DH's will rarely hear from them. When they are home alone they will think of us and all we did for them and THEIR children (which was A LOTTTTT in my case). They will then realize they made a HUGE mistake!!

Hi and welcome The main

Hi and welcome

The main issue here is not the skids but your DH. DH must support and back you instead of being useless. Sit him down with a list of things, discuss it calmly and see the outcome. Tell him what is at stake and make it clear.

You are not a doormat there to tend his boys, if he cannot deal with this like a reasonable adult and partner with communication and negotiation, then make a plan to leave. If that son laid a hand on you and DH stood by and did nothing then leave anyway as that is a deal breaker and DH is a douche.

If you feel it's a them or me

If you feel it's a them or me situation, I guess it was OK to lay it out that way. But you must be willing to act on it if your husband doesn't change his ways.

Now that you've laid down the law, you must give it time to see if your husband acts. I'd keep on the pressure. Tell him you want to sit down Friday at 8 p.m. to discuss the move out dates. Maybe it will take weekly talks to boil down to dates. Maybe it won't work at all. But you must keep on the pressure to make sure your husband knows you mean it. If nothing changes, you know what you must do. But now that you've shown you mean business, something will give: the boys move out or you do.

Good luck. You must feel awful about the situation. Just remember, it's not you - it's him.

thank you for responding and

thank you for responding and i am tryin to keep the pressure the pressure on dad but its exhausting and of course i am the "momster", that's what the oldest son calls me behind my back.

Don't be distracted by name

Don't be distracted by name calling or fighting, and try not to get sucked into it. You just stick to your end goal, and pressure, pressure, pressure until you get what you want. SS will always call you names as long as he's not getting what he wants. When that kid is gone, the peace and quiet will have been worth being the momster!

IMHO, the only kids that I

IMHO, the only kids that I see in the equation that should have to be living in the home are the two girls since they are going to school (and one is under 18 anyway) and working part time and I think it's important for parents to support kids furthering their education.

But, your son (even though he is respectful) and his boys are all old enough to be on their own.

Too many adults in the home and it's no wonder that it is so crowded and it's made worse because some of them aren't acting right.

While i agree my son is old

While i agree my son is old enough keep in mind my son has always lived with me and we have launch plan for him as well and he knows it. If he were a problem then yes out u go but since he is not we will stick to our original plan ( he knows he is a guest in our home as well so he follows the rules).

I understand he is not the

I understand he is not the root cause of most issues, but even though he has always lived there, circumstances have changed somewhat with the addition of your SO and his 4 children. That makes the home overcrowded for everyone.

It's good that you have an exit plan for him.. I am assuming it's near term.

hi and thanks for your

hi and thanks for your feedback. let me start by saying that he has known about the arrangement between my son and i since the day we met. I am a reasonable woman but i will not be bullied into adjusting the said arrangement. His kids all moved in within the last year and his daughters will stay until they r done with school: the boys have major issues that i am not prepared/qualified to deal with. I can tell there has been some serious disconnect between the two of us due the ongoing stress. It is not that i don't want them here but i refuse to allow the behaviour they are exhibiting to carry on. Sooooo i guess it's time for me to move on. i have to say i resent your comment that its more on me than him.I have never really accepted the behavior but i tried to be supportive and give it a shot. I have tried to deal the issues as mature adult but clearly the ss's are not picking up what im putting down. This is both of our home and we both agree who stays and who goes (at least that what i thought). Well what can i say- i don't know honestly my thoughts are all over the place!!!! anyway thanks again.

So from your SO's point of

So from your SO's point of view. Everything is fine. OK, you blow up once in awhile but it blows over, you still cook and clean. He gets to have his kids there, they can all just ignore your blow ups and keep on keeping on.

Who owns the home? if it is you, give them all 30 days notice. If it is him, move out. If joint, move out and call a lawyer to negotiate the settlement.

the only way to have this not happen is that so steps up and removes the adult babies from your house,