Relationship almost over
I'm hoping someone can please give some advice!! My partner and I who have been living together 8 years and have 5 children together - him 2 and myself 3, are possibly at the end of our relationship. The problem is that we generally get along great. However his son who is 19 years old and still lives at home has been a cause of a lot of friction. He is a good person in general, and has (thanks to my partner) gotten a full time job in the past six months, however he is very strong willed and has always been very overpowering for all of the kids (including mine... giving them all orders, etc.) He lives at our home with his girlfriend also staying at our house almost every night... his room has been a mess (often empty food containers on the floor, etc.) so I keep having to ask my partner for him to clean it. Outside of his work he does nothing whatsoever to help with any chores. And he pays the minimum of 25 pounds board a week for a really nice room in the cit. (I also work. He is able to save a lot of money... I cannot save a cent and often buy extra dinner food for him and then he doesn't show for dinner...) There is so much more to it but won't go into too much detail however I am starting to get very annoyed at the situation and know he is ready to move out but I feel I can't say anything. My partner will side with his son, and I am always made out to be the evil step parent, even though I know I am a kind person! My step son does nothing to help out around the house (we do all of his washing, etc.) My kids are all younger, as is my partner's other son, but I know they can hear the arguements. I am not sure what to do anymore... My partner told me tonight he is going to leave me because the fact that I sometimes complain about his son (which I feel is justified when I get frustrated sometimes!) and the saddest part is that I think I've been more than good to my step son over the years!
This is very sad- if your SO
This is very sad- if your SO is choosing his child over you then I say let him go. I know how hard this is but sometimes it is the only way to resolve the unresolvable. You are not married, I presume you are still fairly young. Call his bluff and let him go and his kids- look after your own and make sure he pays his child support.You deserve better than a man who puts his kids ahead of a relationship.
I totally agree with Fairyo
I totally agree with Fairyo and blueskie4me, I have just been through it with my ex partner, I am now settled and happy and don't have to deal with him putting his brats before me anymore, trust me, you will feel so much better being apart from him x
Hi Savvy- Happy Christmas!
Hi Savvy- Happy Christmas! Glad things are going well. Some posters have a lot to learn from you.
"My partner told me tonight
"My partner told me tonight he is going to leave me because the fact that I sometimes complain about his son---." Please don't allow your partner to use emotional blackmail on you. I know from personal experience he will continue to do this to get you to submit or until you smile at him and reply, "Don't let the door hit your a$$ on your way out."
BAM! Exactly this^^^^
BAM! Exactly this^^^^
i agree. withholding
i agree. withholding affection and threats to leave are blackmail and a form of abuse.
it it very childish and a version of "i hate you and i am taking my toys away and leaving."
dont fall for it.
let him have his threats. if he chooses his lazy a$$ son over you then you will know he was not worth it in the first place.
your husband not only has a to grow a set of balls and parent his son, at 19 his son also has to grow a set. right now man child is still sucking his thumb.
btw its common for skids to really starting turning into sh#ts when they hit the teens and become adults.
Thanks so much for all of
Thanks so much for all of your input and advice everyone! (And LOL at the PMS Blueskies4me!) I really appreciate it as I was starting to think I was being unresonable, and wasn't sure what response I was going to get when posting the problem. I have a few friends at work that I've told about the situation... we had a laugh when they all said they wanted to come and live in my step-sons room he has it so good! I think you are right about letting my partner go. His words to me last night when he said he was leaving was that "blood is thicker than water" and this pretty much says it all. I do realise his desire to stand up for his son, but I think that we are getting taken advantage of (I hadn't expected his girlfriend to suddenly be living here also, if there's a night she's not here he will have friends over, and I feel that I can't even leave the house for a night in case he has a party which I know he's been wanting to have! Plus I thought by his age he would be able to at least do his own washing, etc!) And he doesn't get on with his mother hence living with us full time. It's been a stressful past couple of months in particular so thanks again for all of your support.
As a biomom, I understand how
As a biomom, I understand how parents want the best for children. But coddling an adult is not what is best from him or her. Weaning is part of the parenting process.
Animals in the wild wean their babies instinctively. Humans sometimes seem to need a push. Your SO is doing his son no favors. He is making it harder for him to find his way in the world.
Let him think blood is
Let him think blood is thicker than water. And let the creep sit alone the rest of his life.
Blood might be thicker than water, but it doesn't mean that it causes another person - who should be a valued partner - to suffer. It's not an either-or choice. Expect respect from everyone. Address it if it doesn't happen. If the problem can't be resolved, then f#cking get lost.
Why can't some of these stupid men compartmentalize? A partner is a partner. A child is a child. A man who lets a child run his life gets zero respect from me.
Thank you SpaceCadette. Yes
Thank you SpaceCadette. Yes it certainly would nice to feel valued and I agree that a child should be as such and not compared to a partner. Well as an update he packed up some of his stuff and has just stormed off, but funny thing is he’s left his son and his girlfriend here! WTF?!? (It is my house by the way.) Agh.. When we aren’t fighting about his son he’s been a great guy it’s so sad it’s come to this and right before Christmas too.
Kick that SS and his GF out
Kick that SS and his GF out ASAP.
He's gone and left is
He's gone and left is precious son behind? WTF? You are well rid of him- now throw the SS and his GF right out of that door and pour yourself a large glass of Christmas cheer!
Change your locks. Set the
Change your locks. Set the rest of his stuff outside. Tell his son and GF they have 2 hours to leave.
So this idiot man has one
So this idiot man has one principle in his life ‘blood thicker than water’ and that’s how he chooses what’s important to him. He doesn’t belong in your life he has no right to make you suffer. I would not be surprised if he is with someone else next week he’s just bed hopping and looking for an easy life.
^^^^this!^^^^
^^^^this!^^^^
OMG, that's so funny that he
OMG, that's so funny that he stormed off and forgot his precious son!!! I just hate it when tenants move out and leave the place filthy!
Good for you, though! It's not even the new year and you've already shed 200 ugly pounds!!!!!
What an awesome comment for
What an awesome comment for someone on this site for 31 minutes. You are much faster learner than myself.
WAIT! Make that 32 minutes.
Congratulations on your STBX
Congratulations on your STBX showing his spots in choosing his toxic spawn over you. Truly.... this is good news. Rather than dragging you along with you continuing to be the live in beck-and-call house keeper, cook, bill payer, supplemental income.... etc.... you can now immediately call the locksmith to have the locks re-keyed and put this ass and his toxic crotch dropping out on the curb to fend for themselves.
Anyone who is supposedly an equity life partner who chooses their adult child over their SO is not someone anyone of character needs in their life.
So... celebrate the start of the new year with this POS and his POS spawn fading in your rear view mirror, focus on starting your new life adventure and on finishing the raising of your own children in a healthy manner with this ass and his toxic dick driblet out of your lives. Sadly his youngest will also be a victim of his stupidity but ..... not your kid.... not your problem.
Happy New Year!!!!!
Thank you everyone; you are
Thank you everyone; you are all awesome!! You all put a smile on my face today with your replies... it is so appreciated as what a stressful time it’s been and I feel like I’m a horrible step parent when I know I’m not! (I even have bought his kids gifts for him!) And it’s nice to have some confidence after so long of feeling I don’t have any to deal with this and just go along with it! My stepson left the house before I could say anything to him but I will see what happens when he returns! (Must have gone out for the day as he has taken nothing with him so obviously planning to come back.) Yes it is so crazy that my partner leaves and I get left with his son still here. Just bizarre!
*Update* Well just thought
*Update* Well just thought I'd give you all an update on what happened. My partner ended up coming back that day (the day he had packed up and left, leaving his son at my house LOL) and was saying "he was sorry and that he wanted to stay in the relationship." (Yes I know I probably should have said "see you too late!") But apart from the son dramas and the horrible words about blood being thicker than water which he admits he should not have said
, he is a good person and does a lot to help out around the house (more than makes up for his son in that regard.) I told him yet again what upset me with this entire situation (re. his son) and this time he was actually willing to listen (I think after my reading the replies to my post I had decided I should stick up for myself!) Because his son was still there as I hadn't kicked him out at this stage, I said I needed something to be done because I couldn't stand it anymore! So he said that he would support me (was curious to see what support he was meaning by this LOL!) and the next day he had his son mowing the lawns which was the first time he's done any house chores since us all moving from his dads house to my new house approx. four months ago (and prior to that just as a mention it was extremely rare for him to do anything at all!!) We also had a talk about his sons girlfriend having "moved in" and we together have tonight made a rule which we have told him that she will only be allowed to stay Thursday, Friday and Sat nights (I was going to say only Friday and Saturday but compromised.) I also said that he would need to buy his own toiletries (eg. toothpaste, shampoo, etc. as I believe he should no longer be using the stuff that I buy for my own kids.) So I hope these small things will make a difference but if not the relationship is doomed. I just hope my stress levels can cope as I've been feeling so angry in my own home. Not quite the kicking out that I felt would have been ideal and justified, but I think I would have felt too guilty kicking someone out on Christmas and although not married I have been a step parent to him for 8 years so I guess now only time will tell....
Damn! I wish you had posted
Damn! I wish you had posted right after your partner showed up at the door, but before the negotiations started! This was a crucial time when YOU HAD THE POWER! You must make the most of it because it's a rare moment when YOU HAVE THE POWER!!!
I don't hold out much hope on the toiletries - who is going to monitor that? It just won't happen and you'll feel petty bringing it up.
Girlfriend sleeping at your place? YOUR place? Absolutely nuts. She'll want to bring the baby when it's born and then you'll REALLY have your house full of nuts. Yea, this should have been an absolute NO. SS will never move out if you let him treat your house like his home or a hotel. Make things a little uncomfortable with rules that matter to you. That's the only reason he has to go!
I know you negotiated some things because you didn't want to put out SS over the holidays. But you didn't have to put SS out at Christmas. You could have negotiated that Feb. 1 (or May 1 or Aug. 1) SS will have found his own place and will be playing house with his girlfriend there. Get it in writing. Have SS sign it. I know this seems an unnecessarily petty and silly step with "family," but when things are back to "blood is thicker than water," you will need that piece of paper to remind your partner that a negotiation took place and everyone agreed. That piece of paper is your leg to stand on.
So, who will impart the new rules to SS? It's important that you're there when SS is told so you can make sure they aren't being watered down by your partner to make them more palatable to SS...and to make sure there's not a "just do it for a little while and then you can do what you want" message conveyed by your partner to SS.
What does "support you" mean? Who will enforce this stuff? When GF shows stays over into Monday, who will put her out? This should also be negotiated.
I learned when negotiating with these dads that they will say anything in the moment to shut us up. So I always go that next step in negotiating terms: You both agree GF may stay over Thursday to Saturday. The very next thing out of your mouth needs to be, "And what if she's here Sunday, Monday and Tuesday? How are you going to handle it?" When things get back to normal, you will look like the bad guy sending partner in there to break up the love nest that's been built in YOUR tree. He didn't think it was an issue before; he's going to do what he can to get back there so he doesn't have to be the bad guy enforcing rules you BOTH agreed to.
Your blowup was fairly recent. Maybe you still have some negotiating power. If you haven't already done it, maybe address some of this stuff while you still can. You don't want to have another blowup to renegotiate. Make it clear the first time. If infractions happen, then you know how good your partner's word is. Go get 'em!
^^^THIS!!!^^^ OP, you are
^^^THIS!!!^^^ OP, you are reacting to this whole situation like someone who is being emotionally abused and you are. This is the standard pattern for abused women who are emotionally or physically abused - they keep taking them back and making some sort of excuse like, "He's really a sweet guy!" Ya, he's really sweet until he threatens to leave again - and again - and again. And how do I know all of this? Because for years my DH did the same thing to me. I was lucky it didn't progress to physical abuse but many times it does. When REALLY he knew I was not going to put up with it anymore he stopped threatening and straightened up his act.
As Marblefawn suggested you need to inform DH and SS - in writing - when his exit date is and stick by it. You also need to seriously look at your relationship with DH. Looks like he is getting a free ride at your expense. You are being used. He should be paying for 1/2 of the expenses or he should accompany SS out the door.
Oh I so agree with this- they
Oh I so agree with this- they cut the grass for heaven's sake!!! And you were grateful OP? I would be watching every infringement with the toothpaste, shower gel etc and pounce as soon as it occurs,and it will.
As for the weekend lodger, this also has to be very closely monitored. Set the alarm so she is not a minute early or a minute overdue.
OP I do feel you wasted your moment of power-they now know how you can be won over with small promises, and it will be harder to set the agenda otherwise.
But- thanks for getting back to us and let us know how you get on.
It was THIS POST... Thank you MarbleFawn
***************
THIS POST is what let me KNOW the Launch Plan me & DH agreed to had to be printed & published in our house. It lived on SS's door from December 2017 until last month when I tore it down as part of the Whole Room Cleanup SS18.5 left.
Super-grateful I found this original post, because it gave me strength & determination. Thank you MarbleFawn, so much.
(I'd Bookmarked it)
Just KNEW this was the post; already bookmarked. Really so grateful for this community of amazing, caring StepParents who share so much wisdom, experience, and encoursgement.
I'm emotional and grateful today.
Sometimes it's best to walk
Sometimes it's best to walk away-you get to keep your sanity. take care
When someone shows you who
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
He showed you and you've ignored it.
it is a rare person who sees the error of their ways so quickly. Be cautious your not being used and protect your assets.
Hi Everyone, well back I am
Hi Everyone, well back I am again and as predicted with more difficulties (I don't know if I need to laugh or cry but so feel like crying as I'm sure any of you like me in a blended relationship just want it to work!!) So just as an update as its been a few weeks. I love the advice given by marblefawn which was posted after I had let him back in... But because I thought I was doing what was right at the time... this is the new update... So, as mentioned in my last post my partner left and the funny thing was that he left his 19 year old son behind also... at my house... And the thing was that all arguements were based around the 19 year old who had decided without asking that he would have his girlfriend basically move in (staying every night of the week) and do nothing (nope to laundry or any chores whatsoever), and finally after much threatening (by me) he started to take his empty food containers out of his room.)
What ended up happening was as mentioned in my previous post including that he was only allowed his girlfriend over three nights a week, Thursday, Friday and Sat nights (and days). I thought this was more than generous on our part!! And we were doing this as a 'team' to 'save our relationship'. So it started off OK with the Thurs-Sat being the nights his girlfriend would stay, but then it happened... he asked if she could stay Sunday night. Sadly I was not there at the time so my partner said "Yes, no problem" and she stayed. I said to him afterwards that I would not have agreed to that as we had stiplulated Thursday to Saturday nights... he did not agree!! Anyway, the other night we got the question.. he was going to be out of town Thursday night, could his girlfriend please stay Tuesday night instead. I think it is good that he asked, but my initial reaction was no... the rules we have in place are Thursday to Saturday nights. So my partner however had differing views, he thought it was no problem that she should stay Tuesday night... he thought I was making a huge fuss of it all! I said to him that our agreement to save our relationship was Thursday to Saturday nights.. he reluctantly agreed even though I could tell he was not impressed. So today came the next issue... we were talking about washing clothes
and I said it's probably time for the step son to start doing his own washing... well that did not go down well!!! And the result was that yet again my partner stormed out on me saying some pretty awful stuff, and he has said he will be back in the morning with the moving vans. I think this time I need to make sure he follows through wiht it! As difficult as this is to see someone you (otherwise) love to see go. It just shows the power of some children...?
Unless you want this endless
Unless you want this endless merry-go-round of drama to continue, then yes, make sure he follows through with moving out. Him threatening you that he is leaving means that he thinks you are a doormat that needs his presence in order to exist. He truly believes you are nothing without him because he is trying to manipulate you with not being there.
This is not how people in a solid, loving relationship treat each other. It may look normal because it's common, but it's not normal. It's not loving. It is very one-sided and speaks volumes about how he actually views you.
Decide what you want, what will be good and supportive for you, then make it happen. Wishing you the best
The girlfriend should have
The girlfriend should have never been there 3 nights, much less how many she was. And the 19 year old son should have never been there either. Gasp, a 19 year old is expected to do his own washing? The horror!
Your SO is probably calling your bluff about the moving vans, but make sure he does it and is gone. Your life is not going to get any better with this man, and he thinks you are running a free hotel for his family complete with free services.
Thanks for the up-date
Thanks for the up-date Tracey-let him go. Like others, I feel he's trying to test your limits. Is he taking SS with him this time? And his horrible girlfriend- is he going to do all the cleaning, washing, lying down and letting them tickle his tummy stuff? Best advice- 'Hit the road Jack, and don't you come back no more...'
Keep us posted!
Hey, I was thinking of you
Hey, I was thinking of you this morning, wondering how you are
Tracy, You gave SO another
Tracy, You gave SO another chance and he has blown it. Kick his a$$ to the curb now, along with SS and girlfriend. Give DH an eviction notice to make things legal. The way he makes threats tells you he could get really nasty if he wanted to. There was a lady in Las Vegas who allowed a homeless man to stay in her home for a limited stay then she had a heck of a time getting him out legally. Please get him, and the shiftless lodgers out. A year from now you will be very thankful you did it. You can do SOOOOOO much better than this!
Update...
Hi Everyone, it's been a while but I thought with thanks to everyones help (thank you!) that I should send through an update of what's happened following my last message. Well we'd had another of our usual daily fights, and so my SO said that he was moving out... and so I said well if you go take your son with you! (not like last time moving out and leaving him there!) so that's exactly what happened.. he and his son moved out (to my partners parents, SS Grandparents)... I felt immediate relief from the stress. And later that week my partner wanted to come back so although he still blamed me for his son moving out I was OK with him coming back as I still loved and had feelings for him (and just to mention I didn't dislike his son in fact I'd just paid a year prior for his son to have a big trip overseas so quite the opposite! But it was him living with us, moving his girlfriend in, doing nothing to contribute, etc!! just so many things that turned the living arrangement "sour") So anyway his son (my SS) went to live with my SO's parents which to this day he is still living with them. He does not have to pay any board, and now gets his meals made and washing done without any expectation to do anything (not that he did anything at our house but now it is living with people who like to do this for him..!) Because he can't have his girlfriend at their house they go away every weekend leaving on Friday afternoon (so don't cause my partners parents that part of the stress of having someone there who does not pay their way, are there all weekend, nor help out, etc.) At this stage all is going well now with my partner and I... Although I know to some extent my partner still blames me for his son not living with us I know I am not the "evil stepparent" I was originally made out to be!. :-(
From Experience ....
I read your entire blog here and I can tell you from experience, this behavior is going to pop back up again in your life if you don't prepare for it. Didn't you say he had another son that was younger? If this exchange is how he parents then the return of this bad situation is just over the horizon. Long before it could be a problem I would make sure that you prepared for what could come next time.
First rule I would make sure I had in place was NO ONE that is not our child lives with us, stays with us!!! The only exception to this rule would be a child sleepover. Teenagers playing house is not something I would promote under any circumstance.
The next thing is responsibility. I agree with SacrificialLamb, it is our responsibility to grow our children into responsible productive members of society. For anyone that thinks that you are evil and mean for doing so is clueless as to how mean they are actually being but not giving the child the tools to survive in this world.
I can tell you that my husband and I have 3 children between us all adults now (well by my standard adults not his lol). Our children were raised very differently. I often found that I allowed more from his children than I did from my son growing because I didn't feel the same comfort level to say something to them about their behavior. My husband didn't think it was necessary to say too much to them at all about any of their behavior. Well fast forward now to all of them being in their 20's and 30's and he is still having juvenile issues with his adult children .
It sounds like his son has a lot of enablers in his life. It is however nice to see the grandparents are enforcing the my house my rules thing where the girlfriend is concerned but should REALLY do that with all of the rest of his issues too!! If responsibility is not taught there is no magic day when a person wakes up and says oh I think I want to grow up and be responsible now. Usually they carry it throughout their life and pass it on from a parent, to their employer, to their boyfriend/girlfriend wife/ husband and so on... It doesn't correct itself normally without someone or something waking them up and forcing them.
Just something to think about before you jump back in with both feet!!! You may be right back where you started if it is not addressed and some new rules are set.