I will give you some advice, although it probably won't be amazing.
Your daughter was less than a year old when you met your girlfriend- well done to her for taking you on- my advice to her would have been to stay well away, but at least she hasn't married you.
In short, you have a lot to be grateful to her for and yes, you are expecting a lot from her. She shouldn't be doing the caring, although if she chooses to do so that's her decision, but a bit of help from you too I'm sure would be appreciated.
She is right that if you choose to have her on an unscheduled day, I presume that is your decision, and she is being perfectly reasonable in wanting to swap it back.
Of course she will never love your daughter in the way you want her to- love cannot be forced. Maybe she does love her in the way she does things for her, but she is right that you got a woman pregnant before she met you and, as she says, she has two loving parents why should she need another? I am with your girlfriend 100% on this one.
The site is full of SMs (although you are not married that girl has grown up with this woman, so that makes her a SM in my eyes), whose partners and spouses cannot see that not everyone can be part of that 'loving family' that was in fact fractured before she came along. I am in that situation myself- although my skids are adults (but not grown-up, if you get the difference) and my DH just cannot understand why I want nothing to do with his damaged family in order to keep my own sanity.
Respect your girlfriend's feelings, she has been honest and open and clearly cares for your daughter, even if she does not lavish the love in the way you would wish her too. Tell her what a fantastic woman she is and how you feel so lucky yo have her in your life- and stop having the daughter more than the agreement says. It isn't fair- stick to the schedule except in real emergencies and treasure the time you have alone with your girlfriend instead of messing her about.

What would your girlfriend do if something happened to your ex and you were with your daughter full time? Do not marry or have kids with this woman until you figure that out. As a parent you want to see your kids as much as possible and you already see your daughter only a few days a week. If your girlfriend is doing the main parenting when your daughter is here that should stop. Assure your girlfriend that she doesnt need to do anything for your daughter, that you will take care of daughters needs while daughter is with you and follow through. If she still has a problem with daughter being at your house more than 2 days a week then that is not a good indicator of things to come.

I might sound like a bitch with my advice, but this from a SM... (I think your GF might have read on this site lol)

Every time your Ex has an "emergency" and you take your daughter your GF will get pissed, cause know what, you jump when your ex demands,
have you ever sat down and think... is this really an emergency?
BM wanting to go out on town and have a ball , do her hair, dentist appointment... no sorry this is not emergencies... she knows when she has her daughter she can make appointments around that... BM being in a huge car crash - now that's an emergency and I'm sure your GF will not mind at all then...

What do you do when your daughter starts ranting about her awesome mother in front of your GF... do you encourage her or do you tell your daughter, Honey we are not interested in what mommy does or say, this is our house and we do things differently, GF is not mummy and she does her things differently and I love that...

It's GF's house, she paid for that, what do you do if the little snowflake makes a mess, leave her toys all over, does not clean her room, hurt the dog, giving lip to GF... see we do not appreciate being disrespected in our own homes, that brings out the raging bitches in us... and no we do not want you to clean after your child, we want you to tell the snowflake... now sweety pick up your toys, you know this is not allowed.. and make sure she does pick up her toys, if not punishment and consequences... parenting is dealt by you, like your parents raised you... (Oh dear dog i hope you had strict good parents )

Now do you still take your GF on dates.... and real date, romantic, and during this date time, never talk about your past or child, focus 200% on GF, pay her compliments and do not expect sex in return, simply give her a cuddle...

The more you focus on your GF, make sure your snowflake behaves and respects her, the more your GF will do for your snowflake without you demanding...
whether there will be a bond between these to all depends on you, your spine and if you have your own balls or if BM and daughter still has your balls.

Now that's straight from a SM who went through hell for 14 years..

There are also two other issues here. One is child care and the step parent aspect. The other is not related to step parenting, but you see it played out on a step parent stage: flexibility.
I like and sort of love my step kids - that is the one thing.
The other: DONT make me do things at short notice, change my plans, surprises me or go give me very little warning on things. I am NOT a spontaneous or flexible person in terms of arrangements or shifting mental gears for OTHER people. I suspect your girlfriend is the same: you both know the schedule and how things are supposed to tick. Surprise or emergency visits throw her off balance. So don't confuse the two issues - they are not the same although they impact the same area.

I think you are more than fortunate with your girlfriend. She is accepting of and good to your child. There are stepparents who are outright hateful and hostile to their stepkids. I doubt to can expect more from her: you have no right to set the feeling of others in any sphere of life.

If you think any one is going to love your child the way you do: wrong. No one does. Ever. As long as someone is good and kind to your kid, you have a win. I doubt you love and kiss and hug and slobber all over her dog the way she does. (Its kind of the same thing.)

There is no right or wrong in what your expectations should be for your partner. There is no right or wrong as to what you want. There is a level of reasonableness to look at from an objective stance. Your current relationship may not look perfect to you, but it pretty good for a woman who took on someone else's baby (year old child). If it were me, I would not.

It does not appear to me that you two have huge issues. The problem may be your own expectations. I am sure you and your girlfriend are able to work through and talk through this and reach good outcome.

my DH used to have random days for a while... at first BM was always supposed to have ss on Tuesdays... and every second Friday night... then it was every Wednesday and every second Friday night... then it started going all random.

DH wouldn't show up with ss on Monday, but then ss was there on Wednesdays... the second Friday thing seemed to go out the window...

eventually I put my foot down with DH - he would give me every excuse in the book... well he didn't see ss on Monday, so why wouldn't he take him Wednesday...

that's not the point. Whether he got ss more, or less, shouldn't affect me/us - if he can't see ss one day because he works late one night, don't expect that I'm going to be willing to give up my time so you can catch up on yours. After that, dh played by the rules - 2 nights a month wasn't too much to ask, considering ss was there 25-30 of the other days too.... much easier to accept a "change" when you know it will be "made up"... I could swallow an extra day of ss if it meant the tmie with dh I was to have would get postponed. I had a hard time swallowing it when it was simply obliterated.

That's what you're asking of your GF - you're asking her to simply accept that her time has been taken away. Yes, you should understand that her asking for the exchange is fair - because while you may not see it the same way as your gf, you are "taking away" a day from your gf.

If you're giving your GF a hard time about this, you're definitely showing her that you're putting preference to your daughter... Guaranteed, if your gf wanted to do something with you on a night you had your dd, (like a specific event or something you can't change the date) it would come with an offer of "we can get dd on this night instead". She wouldn't ask you to give up time with your daughter so you can be with her - she'd ask you to move it.... yet you're asking her exactly that - you're asking her to accept giving up her time in favor of your daughter.

Sure, it might happen where you're put in a situation where you've got your dd full time... but that's not the question at this time. What if it were to happen, though? What would your gf do?

I see it this way - there are plenty of good step relationships, but you won't find them here. So maybe you can find a good place with your daughter and your partner. Your girlfriend is guarding her time and her relationship with you and that's why she wants to negotiate those emergency days when you have her - she doesn't sound as if she wants a full-time situation. She still wants to have a relationship absent of your daughter. That's pretty normal, even for biological parents.

You should both know you're in a step situation and if either of you isn't up for that, which often is fraught with pain and slights, now is a good time to face that reality. Maybe it's time to have a frank talk about your future and what she's willing to do. Your girlfriend needs to decide if she's up for this and opt out if she's not. You can't opt out - you've already got a daughter. Trust me that it doesn't end when your daughter is an adult. So unless you're going to stay single, you'll most likely have these issues with any woman and your daughter, but you might find a woman who is better suited to it.

To me, being a SM means at any moment, I may be relegated to the backseat. That's not an enviable position. For you, you will always be walking a tightrope between two people you love. But you are the one with the most power to be sure your daughter respects your girlfriend, your ex doesn't steamroll over your relationship with GF, and be sure your GF feels appreciated as your significant other and as a part-time participant in your daughter's formative years. It's a lot of responsibility on your part, but it's still early enough to be sure your daughter is raised with respect for your GF.

Back in the old days, SMs were brought on board as soon as a wife/mother died to do the rearing. Adults (SMs) had full authority over kids, so the evil stepmother icon was born and powerless stepkids were always portrayed as victims. Nowadays, without adult authority, SMs take a lot of crap from stepkids and the balance is shifted so kids have more power to make havoc in adult relationships. If you trust your GF, make sure she and you both have authority over your daughter. Stay in control of your relationship with GF and trust that she will do right by your daughter. You must back up GF when she disciplines or asks your daughter to clean her room. And it's good to keep a schedule with your ex so days are traded and negotiated. Your GF needs to know there are some parameters to the schedule because it's her schedule too.

If your GF feels she has some control in the situation with your daughter, and that you will back her up, I think you can make it work. It certainly bodes well that you're asking questions and looking for advice.

To address questions you posed in your OP, yes, I believe you are asking too much of your girlfriend to love your daughter as if she were her own - this is not possible for most step parents, especially ones where there is a bio mother in the picture who is somewhat hostile to the new partner, and trains her child to be (at the least) emotionally withholding when it comes to said person. This makes it VERY hard for step parents who usually come into a relationship with their new partner with very good, kind intentions to do the very best job they can.

This was my situation 15 years ago. I had raised 2 bio daughters myself, and when I acquired 2 step daughters I naively thought this was going to be a piece of cake, provided I was kind and sweet to them. How wrong I was!
I think that if your partner does what you said she does, in your OP,(ie cook meals, praise your daughter, provide physical care) then you should count your blessings, and be understanding when she wants time alone with you without your daughter, sometimes. I think that sometimes, bio parents do not understand what a very difficult role step parents play, and underestimate the effort they put in. Good luck to you and your partner.

Dude! I like you. You're HERE, first of all, which is huge. I don't know how you found this site, but I wish more men with kids would. If you could kindly reach out to my husband and let him know what you've learned, I'd so appreciate it?! (:

I love that you're asking these questions. I love your witty responses to some of the brash and condescending comments. This site is rough. Sometimes we need to hear certain stuff, sometimes it just feels like abuse. So anyway I just want to give you props because you clearly have insight and thick skin and you clearly love your GF and your daughter very much. That is awesome.

My 2 cents, having been this same GF almost at one point - I met my SD when she was 3- she is now almost 10 and now I'm the wife and mom to our two small kids:
Your GF sounds like a kind soul. Sounds like she does a lot for your daughter because she loves YOU. Maybe she loves your daughter too, but to be honest, it's possible she doesn't. She may never. She may find your daughter incredibly annoying, needy or spoiled, or... something. I don't know... but having been in your GF's shoes, I'm guessing she's doing a lot for your child out of a mix of love and obligation and not because she gains so much personally from the relationship. She may truly look forward to times when your daughter isn't there. That doesn't mean she is a bad partner or child-hater, but that she values her relationship and alone time with you.

She probably hates that your ex maintains this power to upend her life at a moment's notice- yes, of course, emergencies happen and they're not your daughter's fault or yours. But I can speak for most of us steps when I say the existence of THE OTHER WOMAN in our lives, pulling strings, maintaining this power over our schedules and our privacy- is a thorn in our sides. Doesn't matter if GF is a flexible person or not. Can you imagine your GF's ex calling or texting and changing YOUR weekend on a moment's notice? It would suck. Again, not saying it's not without reason, and not saying "we didn't know he had a kid when we got into this" just still sucks for us.

And - I agree with the others thoughts on this- please don't ever take advantage of GF as childcare, or make her feel like a crappy partner if she's not in the mood to be babysitter/nanny/maid to your kid. Please also don't ever assume your GF wants to be your daughter's mommy- likely she doesn't. She may not really want to provide childcare. If she does, that's a huge bonus! And you should give her a big kiss (or something else!) for the free, safe, loving childcare she provides, at her discretion.

I realize everyone's situation is different- your GF may be one of these gems who truly adores your child like her own, or feels she'll naturally grow into the Mom role with your child- and she may. But the odds are in favor of that not happening. So yeah, I'd lower your expectations of her and this relationship significantly. Blending is really hard.
Expectations - Observations = Disappointment.

I wish you all the best.

I think there are a few issues here:

1) Your GF will never feel the same way about your child as you do. The child is not her child. If she and the child can co-exist peacefully, you are winning in the blended family world. That can be difficult for some parents to accept because they love their child unconditionally. When I help my SSs out, I'm really doing it because I love my DH, not because I love my SSs. My SSs are fine, we get along fine, but they aren't my children. They behave in ways I would find unacceptable if they were my own children and I can't do anything about it, because I'm not their parent. As the parent, it is likely difficult for you to understand how your GF could not feel the same about your child as you do, but for things to work, you need to make peace with the fact that the child often feels like an unwanted burden to your GF.

2) It sounds like you've allowed your GF to take on some sort of a caregiver role for your child. This is natural and the child probably also sees your GF as the caregiver because she's the woman in the household. As a SM who always falls into that role - both from my DH and my SSs who expect me to manage meals, laundry, planning, etc - it can feel like the most thankless job. It is also likely behind why your GF pushes back at taking your child for extra days. My DH and I have had some struggles over this as well. I know that he only wants to spend more time with his children because he rarely sees them. I can understand theoretically how that might be difficult for him, but in reality, I would much rather spend time just with my DH and not use our limited free time entertaining his children. For him, the extra time with his children is wonderful, for me it feels like a burden because again, I'm the caregiver. Also, very few childless adults jump for joy at spending extra time with kids.

3) Never let your ex dictate what goes on in your house. If your ex asks if you can take your child to accommodate her, *always* check with your GF first. If you don't think this is necessary, then you are not ready to have a functional relationship with another adult. No woman - no woman - likes another woman to be making plans or setting rules in her own house. Your GF is your partner, not your ex, and you need to make sure you treat your GF like your partner. If she feels appreciated and feels like you are true partners, then you might be pleasantly surprised that she is more accommodating about spending extra time with your child.

One of the biggest challenges my DH and I have is that he would love nothing more than spend all of his free time with his children and that makes me feel unappreciated. When he has free time without his kids, it's like pulling teeth to get him to do something with me. He'd rather rest and do nothing. For me, sometimes free time with his kids is fun and other times it's trying. I'm looked to as the responsible one who is managing everything, so I feel like the cruise director. Also, when I have free time, my first choice is not to spend it doing kid things.

So, in short, I think yes, you are expecting too much in expecting your GF to love your child or feel the same way about your child as you do. If you want a successful relationship, you both need to compromise. Your GF should see spending extra time with your child as showing love to you (and you should acknowledge and be appreciative that she is showing you love by spending more time with your child) and you should show your GF love by also doing special things when it's just you and her.

Tumulty...

update us dude....

"on some level, trying to make a whole loving family for her"

Sounds like she doesn't want a *whole loving family.* She went from single happy woman to instabake family overnight. Cut her some slack. Your daughter already has a mother and gf doesn't really want to be mom v.2. I get that you are fine w/having your daughter for extra nights but you chose a partner thats not ok w/that. Not saying she's wrong but it's her house too so her needs should be respected.

Honestly I'd look at the long term viability of your situation because if there ever is an emergency or something happens to bio mom your daughter will be with you more than gf likes.

"I think if for some reason we ended up with my daughter full time she would be ok with it."

^Sure, ok, keep dreaming man.

You and gf obviously have different values concerning YOUR daughter. She's right and you're right. Should she have to sacrifice her life for your kid? SHould you have to sacrifice time w/your daughter for your gf's comfort? Sometimes there is no middle ground and you get to a fork in the road. Perhaps you should have considered all of this before buying a home together.

I don't have the same perspective towards my SS that your GF has towards your DD. Most notably because my SS's BioDad is a POS and my SS does not have two loving BPs. That is in large part why I have always been his and and am the only REAL dad that he has.

Your GF's perspective is not one I would be able to tolerate for lone were I you. I wouldnt expect my bride to have tolerated me for long had I the same perspective as your GF.

So... you have a decision to make IMHO. Can you accept this situation if nothing changes?

Good luck.