Getting it all out-pretty long
Hello everyone,
I'm an old member that didn't post much and haven't been on in a long time. So long I don't remember my old username. lol
Anyways, I've dealt with things with a grain of salt but at this point in time, I just can't stand it. I must complain to someone. lol I'm a step and BM. My kids are DD19, DS 16, and DD5. SK is SD9.
SD9 is the laziest, loudest, most selfish child I've met to date. I just can't stand to be around her and it's gotten to the point where I can't hide it. I tried to for the longest time, fairly unsuccessfully I'll admit. This child literally does nothing but play video games and eat. She's so lazy, she'll yell from the next room asking for someone to get her the TV remote which is right in front of her on the coffee. She's so lazy folks that she can't lean forward from a seated position to grab the f-ing thing. DH goes back in forth between telling her to get off her lazy butt to do it herself and throwing in the towel and doing it for her but complaining the entire time about how lazy she is.
This kid has gotten so fat in the past two years. She's nine and bigger around than me and I'm not a toothpick. I just don't think it's acceptable for a child to bark orders, to never do anything physical whatsoever, and/or to eat entire pizza by herself leaving the other five people in the house to share two. She sits there playing games making the most obnoxious noises as loud as she can.
And one of these weekends I'm going to start counting the "daddies". No kidding, every 5 minutes she's asking for something. And a majority of the time its BS she can do herself.
She left her tablet a BM's one weekend and cried for hours. Thank whatever-you-may-choose-to-believe-in, DH made her go to her room.
The other major issue(there's many, I'm sure I'm being slightly vague, but trying to get the concerns that are directly on my mind out) is BM has no respect of our time or our home life. I never know when SD could walk in the door. I'm never informed that she's coming and her parent's will not work out some sort of schedule. I've actually kinda sorta thrown fits about BM EXPECTING me to be at her beck call. There's been a few times when BM's parents have dropped SD off and they always ask if I knew. They realize it's been a problem. And I'm fairly certain the times I've told them I had no clue, they've had some words with BM.
DH and BM have never been through the courts. We have SD at least 4 days a week. I know DH, without him having to tell me, is all good with this because with him having her most of the time, he pays no child support. He is the kind of person that never wants to rock the boat, but there have been times I've put my foot down. I'm not their childcare. I don't even like this child one bit. One of these times, BM is going to try to drop off SD unexpectedly and there won't be anyone here. It's all about whatever BM wants. Her drinking and social life are more important to her than SD. She dumps this child whenever she can. I've tried to talk to DH about trying to get SD full time. We would have a much better chance of rehabbing her behavior but he claims SD likes having BM's as her "full time home". Everytime I've heard that, I've wanted to make some comment about her never even being there. lol And most of the time, when SDus not with us, she's not even with BM, she's with BM's parents.
BM's parents are part of the problem too. SD spends so much time with them and they're the type to never tell her no or let her eat ice cream before dinner. The kid has new shoes on almost everytime they drop her off. The other day, I had the pleasure of listening to SD talk about how she should have maid. :jawdrop:
To wrap it up, (I could go on and on) this child is unlikable. She's the obnoxious lazy fat smelly kid most people knew at school. And I have a DH that's wishy washy about trying to push her to be less lazy and slovenly, and just accepting that she's going to just like loser alcoholic BM. It's gotten to the point that I can't hide that I don't like her. It's to the point where little miss selfish doesn't want to come over here because she doesn't get her way and has to share with every other person in the house. I have a hard time accepting someone that makes me cringe. Some one that lies, has poor hygiene, and eats us out of house and home. Someone that could just walk through the door at anytime. I've been waiting for it the whole time I've been typing this.
My final thought is, I think this may have been easier if I didn't have expectations of how I think a child should be allowed to act. I've never encountered any of these issues with my own children and I'm nervous that SD is influencing my DD5. I've tried to disengage, but its hard when she just shows up and I'm the only adult home. Plus DH is so very involved with my kids; he loves them like his own. One of these days I'm going to audio record her obnoxious noises and link it on here. lol I can't be alone in my irritation. Ok I'm done FR.
Pretty simple to fix. Make
Pretty simple to fix. Make her life a living hell until she delivers reasonable behavior. As long as she is a porker she gets two small slices of pizza and water or diet soda. Period! If she so much as squeeks when she is playing video games cut the power cords (make sure they are unplugged) and she doesnt get access until YOU get tired.
Apply consequences and tolerate no crap. Zero tolerance with complete unpleasant consequence delivery works wonders. If she doesnt catch a clue quickly then put her in an empty room by herself with nothing but a small table, chair and a rheem of lined paper to write countless thousands of sentences in perfect handwriting, perfect spelling, perfect punctuation. Make the sentences focus on her poor choices and keep them coming by the tens of thousands until she catches a clue. The added bonus is that this isolates her from the rest of the family until she gets her proverbial behavioral shit together.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Have fun! }:)
DH's mom did the hand writing
DH's mom did the hand writing thing. Lol He hated it. I've brought that up before and I didn't get much of a response. Good reminder to bring it up again.
When she's home with just me, I don't put up with it. But when DH is home, he tends to tune out the obnoxiousness. I end up hiding out. Once he realizes that, he usually comes and asks why. I pointedly tell him that I can't stand the loud obnoxiousness. Sometimes he'll tell her to knock it off other times he leaves me to my devices.
Sentences was the most
Sentences was the most effective consequence we developed with my SS. He hated them but they sure did the trick for making his consequence fit the situation and also drive a positive result. He has incredible hand writing. His shop supervisor always has him fill out any manual forms that are needed. He curses me every time his boss hands him forms to fill out.
Then he calls to give me crap and we have a great conversation.
How is she getting on at
How is she getting on at school? I know this should be DH's department but if she's doing ok in school then she can do ok at home. Sounds to me this girl isn't getting the right amount of the right attention- she has a very low opinion of herself and so her behaviour perpetuates this.
DH has to step up- you should not be 'the only adult home' when she is dropped off at a whim. He has to get some formal arrangement here otherwise someone will go under, and I don't think it will be DH or your SD!
According to DH, she behaves
According to DH, she behaves well at school. She supposedly even earned a Good Citizen award at school. That's the biggest question mark of all. It's like she holds it in there just to release the shit show at home. I have heard DH tell her on several occasions that if she can behave so well at school, she can behave just as well at home.
As far as her lacking attention, it's just the opposite. This child is so used to everyone doing everything for her and being constantly entertained. It's ridiculous.
She probably gets the
She probably gets the positive attention at school then. There are two types of attention- positive and negative. Positive attention seeks to reward acceptable behaviour and is often widely practised in schools. Kids get rewarded for effort, kindness, achievement etc. Rewards doesn't mean monetary but emotional value: just saying, well done, I know how hard you tried etc etc. Children respond to this just as adults do.
If children get no recognition for acceptable behaviour and are only given attention when they do something wrong- ie I'll speak in a whiney voice because I get noticed that way- then they will use that whiney voice because they know it works.
However, rewarding the whiney voice with attention is not positive, it encourages negative attention seeking behaviour and a cycle ensues where adults hear and see only the unacceptable behaviour. I think this is the trap with your SD. Most 'bad' behaviour stems from this negative attention, and the longer it goes on the harder it is to break.
It always amazes me that people lavish positive training methods on their dogs but never think about this with children. Children want to be praised and valued, but if they find themselves ignored they will resort to all sorts of annoying ticks to get their loved ones to notice them.
Most 'naughty' behaviour in children results from negative attention seeking.
Now I await the fall-out, lol!
It's horrible when your skid
It's horrible when your skid has two parents who don't parent. I feel you and can empathise with you.
I wonder if the hygiene
I wonder if the hygiene problem will take care of itself when she hits puberty.
Could you limit the videogames/TV to only afterschool? After dinner, it's homework, reading or outside play. That would limit her food intake and burn some calories, give you a break from the noise, and make her even less inclined to come to your house. I know by today's child-rearing standards that sounds like abuse, but letting a kid schedule their day by themselves is asking for a fat kid playing videogames all day. Adults schedule their days, not children! And limits are not only for the kid - sometimes it's about what's good for the parents too. You and he are the parents. If you need peace and quiet, set a limit for her. You're allowed to set limits. He must back you up, though, for this to work. I mean, really, how does she even have time to get schoolwork done with the schedule you're talking about?
So, the internet is on when she gets there and off after dinner. The remote is there when she gets home from school and gone after dinner. This won't fix all your complaints, but maybe if some rules are set and enforced, she will aggravate you less...even if it's because she won't come to your house
Her school is trying out this
Her school is trying out this no homework thing. They do everything at school on little laptops. I think it'll back fire. Kids need to learn responsibility and what work is.