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I don't know what to do

drainedSM's picture

Submitted by drainedSM on Sun, 09/24/2017 - 6:11pm

Forums: 
Blended Family Issues

Hi everyone
I'm so glad I found this forum. I was feeling like the worst step mom ever.
Little background.
My education and my profession is in mental health and working with kids who have emotional disabilities and other diagnosis.
I love kids, I love working with kids....but now I never have respite EVER.

My SO and I met in January of 2016.
We had both given up on finding love....or at least that's what we said. But we fell in love anyway....again....we both said.

He was in the navy and he and his ex were getting divorced. The understanding was that she would get custody.
In may. She lost custody due to her alcoholism. The kids were removed by CPS.
Things were bad. We couldn't take the kids right away so they lived with paternal grandparents.

In August I found out he had been cheating on me.
But in September we were told that if we didn't agree to take the kids they would end up in foster care.

I bit the billet and agreed to stay to help the kids.
I have one biological son who is developmentally delayed. But he is like me and very quiet.
My step kids who are 4, 8. 10, and 14,
Are all loud.
And like many children who experienced trauma they have a lot of emotional needs.

8 year old SD throws such epic tantrums that I've had to call the crisis mobile folks twice.

I don't know if I should stay or go.
We never got to heal over the cheating incident. And we never have time alone. We never have a chance to heal.

I just want a quiet house. And that's impossible with 5 kids.....
I envy those of you who only have to deal with their step kids part of the time.

I just want time....in quiet.....

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Sun, 09/24/2017 - 8:55pm

Love yourself (and your son)more than you love the man who cheated on you.

fairyo's picture

Submitted by fairyo on Mon, 09/25/2017 - 4:07am

I think I get this a little- OP works in childcare, she knows that going into foster care is the last resort- here in Fairyland foster carers are thin on the ground- the kids might have been sent to other parts of the country and would almost certainly have been split up. So, I think OP did this for noble reasons-however, what she has become is a full-time foster carer with none of the rewards or support.
DrainedSM-I think you need to assess your position and look at what you are doing to yourself too. It is hard but these children are not your responsibility- what does your SO feel about this situation? Is he giving you much help? It is really his place to care for his kids, and yours to care for yours. Do what is best for you and your child... I think you know what this is.

Indigo's picture

Submitted by Indigo on Mon, 09/25/2017 - 10:22am

You know what you need to do for yourself and your child. It may take a week, a month or a year, but make that "exit plan."

You are not horrible for wanting somthing different. You sound like a loving, caring woman with just enough experience with foster care & emotional/developmental disabilities to get yourself into this situation. Wink

I say that with my own 20/20 hindsight. I have a history of willingness to step into crappy situations because I keep trying to do the right thing for the children. For instance, I agreed to help raise my exDH's child with another woman before our divorce years ago. Last year, same exDH & I discussed helping him raise his new young twins who were premature, vodka-exposed, developmentally delayed & hidden in another country --- If he was able to retrieve them. (I don't learn) Last Spring, I even discussed with SO guardianship of the SGD-14, & SGS-9/SGS-11 since SD-31 was AWOL and CPS was involved constantly with abuse/drug situations. (Folks on this board helped me to back off of that idea.)

For each of these scenarios, I envisioned a more positive outcome for the other children; however, my BS-now-15 would most likely have been hurt by my choices. Either by loss of 'attention-units' from me, or by exposure to the chaos which would naturally follow. BS has his own alphabet-soup of challenges, so I am protective. In the end, I have made selfish choices for myself & my kidlet to step out of those situations.

I'm not explaining myself very well, but I look at you and think: "There but for the grace of God, go I."

Good luck

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Wed, 09/27/2017 - 4:56pm

Go NOW! GTFO and leave your cheating hopefully STBX and his toxic prior relationship spawn and give you and your own child a chance at an enjoyable life. As a behavioral health professional you should know that guilt and rescue projects rarely make for a successful outcome. Leave your work at the office. Don't make your home and family life just an extension of the tense though valuable work that you do in your professional life.

IMHO of course.