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Struggling

Tallblonde2889's picture

I am coming up to my wits end! My husband's ex is an absolute psycho and it is killing our life. Couple things: when I say psycho, I mean certifiable and a master manipulator. Second, we try/ have tried nearly everything to keep her from affecting us, -engaging, ignoring, trying, not trying, meditating, exercising- you name it, we've tried it. Some has worked and some hasn't and it's been helpful but the hits seem to just keep coming. After 3 years straight of being in and out of court, about 40k in lawyer fees, we finally got a judgement in court and thought we had gained some reprieve from the harassment. Oh how we were mistaken. There is one child involved and the woman is insane- we are now paying over $700 per month, provide all health care, and pay all travel costs (we live overseas currently) and the kicker- we don't even get to see the kid and she rarely answers calls to talk to him.

After court we went home with a sense of relief which was short lived- three days later we got a scathing email saying we didn't win and my husband was a liar and we will be seeing a new filing in august so we can pay her the $1800 she deserves. We sent it to our lawyer and it was reported to the judge. After my husband tried to call and was declined about two weeks later- we got two novel like emails which were mostly incoherent except for the part about a letter being sent to my husbands boss calling him a liar, poor father and attempting to get him fired. Also- she now upped it to she could have gotten $2400 per month (more than my husband makes per paycheck) and will not give up until she gets it. My husbands parents asked to see the kid and got a nasty email, she called my husband a thief and a rapist to his sister (yes- the man who has never even raised his voice at me, totally dangerous) and has had all of her family message my husband and his family. Tonight, before we leave he country again, my husband tried to call and explain the distance and where he would be, only to get a scathing message again because he referenced a trip he and his son took to describe the size of plane we would be taking . He was told he took him out of state illegally (2014) and if he ever uses their son like that she will never let him call again. During the whole call we could hear her telling him the answers to questions and what to say. Now we are just waiting for the fallout from the letter that was sent to his boss and then next email from our lawyer saying we need to provide more documents to prove we don't mAke too much money.

I am so sick of this, like I said we are going on 4 straight years of this coming up- consistent judicial requests and court docs, no break no relief no end in sight. There is 11 years until the kid is 18 and I don't know
If I can keep this cycle up.

Anyone out there have any advice? It helps just getting it out but if anyone can shed some light i would so appreciate it. Also- does anyone know if there is a way to stop her going to my husband's employer? We asked our lawyer as well but he is out of office this week and I'm impatient!

Comments

Maxwell09's picture

It's time to let the kid go. Y'all are tanking your future with lawyer fees etc. If I were in your situation I would either separate from my husband if he didn't want to end this war OR walk away with my husband knowing when the kid is 18, the psycho BM won't be able to stop contact between two grown adults. If she's controlling his phone calls with your SO then there's little doubt she's probably alienating the child as well. You can't really fight alienation overseas. She sounds angry and determined to bleed your SO dry so I say go radio silent, quit with all the lawyer fees and court dates. Stop playing her game.

Tallblonde2889's picture

You are so correct. We have backed way off, we don't travel to the kid and have stopped asking to take him. It's been almost two years but the only part I think I should clarify is we aren't initiating anything with the court. She apparently is determined to just keep going back until she gets enough to live lavish. If we don't have represtation when we are overseas we'll get screwed. We may be getting about $11000 back in fees which hopefully will deter her. I'm incredibly glad for your perspective because it's on par with what I decided and my husband is coming around to and I felt so crazy and I actually had someone tell me I was being a terrible person for saying walk away. There hits a point when as much as you'd like to be there for the kid, you'll only ruin your own life.

Thank you for the advice!

Tallblonde2889's picture

My husband is a military officer- his commanding officer is a matter of public recor unfortunately. The judge ordered a motion to compel and told her she got one chance to not be held in contempt but she believes consequences do not apply to her.
As far as a restraining order- crazy works for the department of justice and knows very well how to ride the line just below what constitutes as a threat to harm.we have gotten in touch with multiple lawyers and law enforcement and they have all agreed. Trust me, if I could take legal action to shut her up, I would do it in a heartbeat. I'm biding my time until she does something stupid. And if this letter in any way effects his career, we will be filing a libel and damages suit. I just want to slap her and tell her to grow up.

Ninji's picture

JAG officers can give you advice but they cannot represent you in court or file documents.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

My BM is like yours except she also had her exSO (the one she cheated on with DH) sneak into our apartment. He emails asking about SS--gets long ranting email about why he shouldn't bother because he didn't marry her/abandoned her, he backs off, thinking she wants some space, gets ranting email about how he's proving her right that he's a deabeat.

Then DH decided to go radio silence after almost 2 years in court (he started proceedings to establish paternity and child support/custody when he found out she was pregnant) and over 20k in lawyer fees (she moved when she was pregnant so cross state proceedings sucked) and having never seen the kid but getting yelled at all the time. He cut his losses and is just a nameless, faceless ATM.

He actually went to a therapist because the entire thing caused him to have anxiety and depression (he was suicidal for a short while) and his therapist recommended to not pursue the kid, to just keep on paying as that was his responsibility and hope that the child will come find him when he is older so he can have a relationship with him not on BM's terms. BM can't use the child as a weapon if there is no enemy to fight.

Emotionally, it was also a better choice for the child because BM has munchausen-like tendencies (making up illnesses about herself, and then starting to gear it a bit towards the kid). Don't know how bad it could have gotten for the kid if DH continued to fight.

Only your DH can decide what is best for himself. He's fully prepared for the child (now 7) to come find him and if the child doesn't want to destroy our home, welcome him with open arms.

SM12's picture

Sadly I agree with the others. It is time to withdraw from the child. However, it doesn't seem like the BM is going to stop until she gets more and more money.
Personally I am not sure how that issue can drag on. The courts decide how much the BM gets and that is the end of it. How can she keep dragging him into court for that??
Eventually a judge would have to just tell her STOP. Your attorney must be worthless if he hasn't went in front of the judge and lost it over the emails and actions of the BM.

MJL2010's picture

I have no knowledge of military and darn little understanding of family court/legal system other than to say that often times whatever is done is NOT in the best interest of child and family. I am sorry that you are dealing with a narcissist and what I can tell you is that it will never end.if your DH *were* to "let go", BM would find a way to torture him- she would write letters about how she can't believe that he would give his child up, what kind of monster would do that, etc...because with these women it is about having a hold on their ex (and his new partner) and MAKING HIM/THEM PAY. Anything she can do to keep him engaged, she will do because that means in her sick sick mind that they are still together, or that he can't function without her, that she is still in his life and that they will always be in each others' lives.

If he lets go there will always be links- she will decide that your skid needs braces, or some other complex medical issue that may or may not be reality-based. There will be school trips, school and extracurricular activities, and eventually college and weddings. As far as I can tell there is NO WAY to deal with these vile people. I wish that someone would create a reality show called "Narcissist Island" where they gather up horrid ex-wives and send them to a remote island- there they can scheme against one another, project all their behaviors and delusions onto one another and not their exes, thereby for once not hurting their kids in the process. You decide how it ends!! LOL....

We are on year nine and it is still just as crazy as it ever was.

Good luck. Know that you are not alone.

skatermom's picture

I wouldn't give up my child for a crazy ex and my DH wouldn't either. We have been dealing with a Physco for 8 years. Get the book, "Say Goodbye to Crazy, How to get rid of his ex and restore sanity to your future" It helped me. There is nothing you can do to stop her, but you can control how you respond.

Some things I do, My husband and I keep our money completely separate, any court fees and child support are his problem. I have no contact what so ever with BM and have her blocked on all social media. Both our employers have been made aware of her and her antics, as well as teachers and school principal.

Try not to get too involved, yet be a supportive ear for your husband. Don't encourage him to give up his child, he will regret it and may even blame you.

mommadukes2015's picture

Your husband's boss will most likely ignore the letter. I would give him a heads up that it is coming.

In the meantime, there is no light to shed unfortunately. You need to deal with this crap in small doses.
-When you receive an email.
-When you call SS or he calls
-When your lawyer requests information
-When you receive something for your lawyer.

Other than that-put it out of your head. When something comes up designate the time to deal with it-then drop it. Push it out of your mind and don't let this woman control your peace.