Boyfriend Still Co-Sleeps With 7 And 10 Daughters. I Am Right To Not Be Okay With It?
Hoping to get better advice here than I did on the other forum I posted on...
So I'm soon to be 24 and this is my first relationship. He's 33 and has 2 girls (7 and 10) from his previous relationship, which ended around 2 years ago, who I had never met until we were together. I moved in after 3 months of visiting, 4 months of dating, which seemed to work fine for us at the time We have the girls over every other weekend as they now live with their mum.
The problem is we haven't spoken about our boundaries yet, especially when it comes to the girls, and there is just a lack of communication in general. Before I started staying with him, the girls had him for 2-3 days all to themselves as he lived alone. They would sleep with him in his bed, which seemed to work fine for them. I should mention that he sleeps in the nude, which I think is downright wrong for him to do when he sleeps with the girls, but as far as I'm aware, there is no child abuse going on and he has been upfront about it when I asked. I'm worried that he is putting himself at risk should someone find out and assume he is abusing his kids, or if his ex finds out about it (I'm not sure whether she knows or not, I'm assuming she doesn't.)
However, that changed when I began staying with him. It seemed to work with him putting them to bed, and then us having some time to ourselves. Night before last, as I am in bed waiting to go to sleep, he tells me he wants to sleep with the kids. I was basically given the option to sleep in our bed and make them sleep on the futon which is bad for his back and frankly needs a good cleaning, or sleep there myself.
Being put on the spot and having social anxiety, I bailed and chose the futon. This really upset me for a number of reasons. 1) His kids are too old in my opinion to still be co-sleeping and this is the only time I get to be alone with him and be open about my affection as we are still early in our relationship and the girls are still adjusting to me being around. 2) He won't tell them that I'm now living with him permanently and it seriously hurts me whenever I overhear one of them asking when I'm leaving. I also think it's wrong of him not to tell them, as they deserve to know. 3) As I am living with him permanently, while I understand the kids will and have to always come first, I consider our bed to be our space and I am generally uncomfortable with having to straight up sacrifice the only real personal space I have for kids who have their own spaces and I think are inappropriately aged to be sleeping with their dad.
As is, my partner tries to include me in everything he and the girls do. I understand why he does it, but I don't think this is a good idea. I want to suggest that maybe instead of me being involved with everything, we all spend the mornings together so I have a chance to build a relationship with them still, the girls spend time with him alone in the afternoons to go on adventures and have their alone time with him, and then in the evenings (being after kids go to bed), we get our time together. Is this a reasonable thing to suggest to him?
So far in the other place I went looking for advice, I have been told my relationship is doomed to fail as I'm "too young and immature" to handle a relationship that involves kids. I have also been accused of being emotionally manipulative because I was upset enough to cry on again, off again over a 24 hour period (which I did not do in front of the children and tried to hide from my boyfriend until I could calm myself down enough to deal with it), which is a result of my anxiety. I have also been told that everything is going way too fast (which I can agree with on a certain level) and that I'm being selfish and needy.
I want to reinforce that I know the kids will always come first, and am not disputing that. I'm still adjusting to being around kids who are also adjusting to me, and what that means in terms of compromise. So, am I being selfish and needy, and am I right to not be okay with my boyfriend still co-sleeping with his tween daughters?
Um. No. Just no. You're not
Um. No. Just no. You're not needy, this whole thing smells like a disaster for you. Why are you putting up with this? Does he piss gold or something? Girl, you can do so much better.
I'm pretty lax on cosleeping--sometimes our kids sneak into bed with us, and we're kind of lax on nudity UNTIL they hit 3 years old and then daddy and daughters start setting boundaries.
No, you are not being
No, you are not being unreasonable, selfish, or needy IMHO.
7 & 10 are too old to be co-sleeping with daddy and for God sake if he is sleeping naked with them there is a major issue that necessitates an immediate call to the authorities.
Based on the assumption that his naked co-sleeping with two young girls is due to his apparently inherent stupidity and ignorance and is otherwise innocent, and if you choose to remain in this relationship, IMHO you are absolutely wrong in believing the kids will and should always come first. You and your BF are in an equity life partnership relationship and you and the relationship should be his only first priority as he and the relationship should be yours.
Kids are the top relationship responsibility but never... repeat... never.... take priority over the relationship.
The world is strewn with the detritus of failed marriages and relationships due to just this issue. Kids grow up and have lives of their own. Parents who obsessively put their children above their SO are destined to be alone and likely will be isolated and put at a distance by the very kids they obsessed over. Sadly the detritus I mentioned includes men, women, and children who have been destroyed by naïve parents who insisted on making the kids a priority over their life partner.
IMHO key to the success of this relationship is for you to sit your BF down for a serious clarity/come to Jesus meeting about boundaries in your shared home. Yes, you moved in with him but it is now your home as much as it is his and far more than it is his children's home. If you allow your social anxiety to overwhelm you and don't choose to grow some chick balls and assert yourself as his equity partner and demand that he be yours you are wasting your time.
Ew! This is completely
Ew! This is completely UNACCEPTABLE. Frankly, I think your boyfriend is a pervert. An adult man sleeping naked with little girls? :sick: :sick: :sick:
You are 24 years YOUNG. Move out and find a man with NO children. Oh, and report the pervert to CPS.
Yeah... ew... This is
Yeah... ew... This is something I would definitely, 100% leave over - and call the police while i'm at it. You say you're worried if someone finds out and assumes he's abusing his kids but... he's abusing them simply by sleeping naked with them. There doesn't have to be any touching/sexual activity going on for sleeping naked with a 10 year old child to be abuse. And I wouldn't be surprised if there IS touching/sexual activity. Call the cops for the sake of those poor girls.
Yep my DH was the same way
Yep my DH was the same way back when SD was 2... Even I was like ok you're overreacting she's 2 she's not gonna remember haha but then again, he was like that with my cats too.... he wouldn't change/get undressed if they were in the same room LOL
It's sad you have to contend
It's sad you have to contend with such a sicko in your first relationship. Take it as a life lesson that even creeps can seem like great boyfriends sometimes. This guy is someone you should leave behind as you run away.
At least your sense of decency made you enquire here. Of course it is dead wrong what he is doing. Please don't get tempted to have any kids with this guy. He is using you, then making you sleep on a filthy futon?
Have enough self-respect to recognise that you deserve better.
~passes popcorn to
~passes popcorn to wineisthecure~
Can I have some wine with
Can I have some wine with that please?
It is sick for a grown man to sleep naked with children. Period.
~passes Robin a buttery
~passes Robin a buttery chardonnay~
May I have double helping of
May I have double helping of buttery chardonnay? This is grossing me out.
~passes CLove her own bottle
~passes CLove her own bottle of chardonnay~
Cocktail - chardonnays that I
Cocktail - chardonnays that I recommend:
Clos du Bois
Kendall-Jackson Vintners Reserve
Chateau St. Michelle
Bogle
La Crema
Other chards I recommend: Au
Other chards I recommend:
Au Contraire
Domaine Anderson
Dry Creek Vineyard Estate Block 10
Duckhorn
Frog's Leap
Noble Vines San Bernabe
Ponzi Aurora Vineyard
Woodward Canyon Celilo Vineyard
WARNING: Some of them are pricey.
Granny, did you leave any
Granny, did you leave any flaming bags of poop?
I did that with my
I did that with my great-granny. I picked flowers from her own garden and left them on the doorstep for her after knocking...
A flaming bag of flowers??
A flaming bag of flowers??
LOL> She would not have known
LOL> She would not have known the difference!
Sorry it has taken me so long
Sorry it has taken me so long to reply. Yes, I have seen him sleep naked with his children. He does not hide it and did not deny it when I first asked him "Do you sleep in the nude when you are sleeping with the girls?" I have not seen any warnings signs from the kids to suggest that he has molested them in any way, and truthfully I do not think that he has. Despite that, it still makes me incredibly uncomfortable, especially now that his oldest girl is staring puberty in the face. We are in Australia, for future reference.
Co-sleeping in the nude may
Co-sleeping in the nude may constitute grooming. It's hard to say with certainty, but I think it's pretty inappropriate. I hope you will forgive me for being crude here, but odds are very good his daughters have seen him erect. Morning wood is a pretty common thing. You should give serious consideration to calling Child Protective Services, as this behavior can be ultimately very emotionally damaging even if there is no overt sexual activity occurring.
Aside from that, he is actively choosing to disbar you from your shared bed as opposed to setting reasonable boundries with his children. Sadly, this sort of thing is something you likely won't be able to change.
Nobody but you can determine wether you are old enough to have step kids, or in a relationship long enough to move in with someone. That's not relevant to the actual issues at hand.
Girl, please value yourself. There are good men out there that will respect you and afford you your dignity without you having to cry or have a big disturbance.
I have anxiety issues as well, and I know how hard this can be. Prior to my marriage I was in a bad relationship for many years because I couldn't muster up the nerve to face the conflict of breaking it off. I eventually did and my life is 100x better. I know it's hard, but the best advice I can give is to move on and start fresh before you get so settled in that you can't bring yourself to leave
I haven't disappeared, I'm
I haven't disappeared, I'm still here reading the comments. I'm really stressed out at the moment and can't concentrate long enough to reply as I'd like to. I have yet to speak to my partner, which I will be doing within the next few hours. I will update when I can.
If your story is actually for
If your story is actually for real, understand that it will gain nothing to try to discuss it with him. He will not change. He has shown you his true character, and peoples' basic character traits never change.
The only thing you can do is leave and refuse to continue any relationship with him by staying No Contact. While right now it may seem like the end of the world to dump a boyfriend, you have to believe us that what you have right now is only the beginning of the nightmare he will be if you stay. This is a significant life choice for you, take it seriously.
Just silently make your plans and leave with as little conflict as possible. Guys with the type of entitlement complex he must have to sleep,with his daughters...they don't like being dumped, or told what to do. Spare yourself any harm and just blow away.
I stopped reading at your
I stopped reading at your age..... HOn at your age you are way to young to settle for a divorced Disney Dad,
I would get out of this relationship and find a guy my age who's never been married before and who does not have any prior children, you will become bitter and hard when you are my age, staying with this Disney Daddy....
Your naked boyfriend kicked
Your naked boyfriend kicked you out of bed so he could sleep naked with a 7 and 10 year old? :jawdrop: :sick:
Just no, to this whole
Just no, to this whole relationship.
How hard is it to put on a
How hard is it to put on a pair of boxers for crying out loud!
I would get out of this relationship before you get any deeper.
This guy sounds like a real
This guy sounds like a real winner...er weiner. I wonder why his last relationship broke up? "Honey, I'm sleeping naked with the girls tonight so go sleep on the futon." I mean if you even have to ask a question like this...
Go ask your mother or any woman on the street if this is ok if you need more clarification. My youngest son is 10 and I couldn't imagine crawling into bed naked with him.
Look, my attitudes are pretty
Look, my attitudes are pretty liberal, and I'm usually not going to assume that someone is molesting children without a good reason to do so. I don't see an issue with cosleeping with a 7 year old and a 10 year old. My sister would occasionally crawl into bed with my dad until she was 16. He finally stopped it when my stepmother flipped out about it, but it was completely innocent. Now the naked thing, well that is concerning. Im pretty much a nudist, and I would absolutely not sleep naked in a bed with any child older than probably 2. My stepson is 4, and I won't sleep naked in the same room as him, and if he was my child, id draw the line similiarly. I don't think there is anything wrong with nudity and don't bother looking for clothes when I get up in the middle of the night for example or will change with the bedroom door open, but for extended periods or with the likelihood of physical contact around children older than toddlers? That is NOT normal.
With that said, its entirely possible that your boyfriend is completely clueless and doesn't realize this is inappropriate. I would suspect this because he has no issue doing this in front of you and is making no effort to hide it. If he had any intentions I suspect he'd be more secretive. So im guessing he's just really liberal, and has very loose personal lines for what is considered normal behavior. So i'm not going to scream about child molestation and CPS and the BM and police and jesus and whoever and using this to create all kinds of drama. But you may want to point out to him that this is not appropriate behavior with a 10 year old, and 7 is really really pushing it. If he wants to put some clothes on, fine, but the naked thing has got to stop.
Now, just because your boyfriend may not be a child molester doesn't mean you should stay with him. I'm also not going to raise an issue with the kids because well, while someone with out kids is better, some people do happen to have kids and you can deal with it (in a functional way) or find someone without them but that is a personal choice.
Despite these statements, you need to leave him. He doesn't respect you at all. You live there, he does not have the right to throw you out of your own bed. Not telling his kids you live there is insane, not only is it demeaning to you but it will ultimately be damaging to them. Furthermore, he got you upset enough to make you cry by acting like a complete POS, and then he calls YOU manipulative? Like if YOU are the problem with his ridiculously disrespectful behavior? No. Enough. Absolutely not. This guy is not only a terrible father, but he has abusive tendencies, tiny casual cruelties like calmly blaming you for his intolerable behavior are how it starts. Find someone who respects you and the relationship, that's the minimum that everyone deserves.