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Son and stepson don't connect well.

Jocie's picture

Hi out there,

I am in need of some help/advice please.

My husband and I have been married almost 5 years. I have a son who is now 10. From the day we all moved in together to be what I thought, a "happy family", it has been nothing but stressful! My husband started disciplining my son from day 1. He completely disregarded how I parent and just bossed my son around all the time. When I talked to him about this he would tell me to "be a parent"! So eventually things came to a head and I told him I couldn't stay with him anymore. We went to counselling and the counsellor taught him that step parents need to know when to back off sometimes and let the bio parent do their job. This made me feel better and I gained some power back.

But what has happened is that my husband just ignores my son now! He says "hi" and "goodnight" and not a lot in between. I always said to my husband the discipline is ok if you balance it out by having some fun with him too, showing him things and teaching him stuff as Dad's and sons do etc. But there was not ever anything like that, just discipline. My husband stopped the discipline because he wants to stay married to me but now he ignores him. One of the reasons I married my husband was to give my son a good Father figure/role model but he does nothing!

I know I resent him and I am not sure if I want to stay with him but we have had a baby together now and I would'nt want to break up and put our baby through a divorced family etc but I feel now there's two families living under the same roof. My son and I are close and being only 10 he does'nt really see what goes on but I know I am sure he would love a male role model to muck around with him and tell him he's awesome etc. My son does see his Dad but only every second Sunday for the day and they play computer games all day. (I don't allow that at my house).
I just feel my husband should be making more of an effort. He knew he was marrying me with a child but it feels like he can't wait for my son to grow up and move out so he can just have me and our new child to himself. I hate it.

Does anyone have any advice on this?

I should also mention that my husband also has a daughter who lives with her mother in another country. She is 13 and he does not have much contact with her. I know this makes him sad.
Thanks.

Acratopotes's picture

relax Hon....

DH acted as a father figure, disciplining and it upset you, now DH stepped back and yet you are still upset? Go and sit and decide what you want.

Remember if you want your DH to be a father to your son, then it's either all the way or nothing at all, he's not your son's friend he's an adult, and with the responsibility of being a parent comes discipline and being nice. You can't have it being nice only.

Teach your son to be respectful and friendly towards DH, if your son needs help with anything, e.g. science fair project, he can go to DH and ask... can you please help me Sir, but he must mean it and you will have to step back and allow BS and Dh then to bond.

Currently DH thinks BS complained to you about the discipline... do not say anything, simply let BS engage first, if they both like sports why not connect over a football game or something and you simply step back, you do not even sit in the same room.. leave, let them bond. Men are much easier then woman...

Might not be easy for you as a mother, but believe me it works... my kid grew up never knowing his father and SO was the first real guy I introduced my kid to....

Rags's picture

The obvious gap is that you and DH have never sat down and developed standards of behavior for your home including consistent discipline standards.

My DW and I went through some of this when SS was in his pre and early to mod teens. When he was younger we were aligned.

My wife is a mother, I am the father figure. Two very different roles that often clash when it comes to perspective on kid behavior and perspective on discipline.

My stance was always to be consistent, briefly engage on correcting a behavior, applying discipline, then move on to the fun stuff. My wife was all about mitigating consequences and avoiding behavioral issues with the kid. I have no BKs so SS was an only child in our home/marriage.

What you are experiencing from your DH is disengagement. You did not like how he disciplined, the therapist did what those idiots usually do and did not develop a solution while only providing guidance which your DH took as "Sparents need to defer to BioParents" so... you now have what you set out to do. You want a daddy for your kid but not one who interferes with your mitigation of discomfort for the kid.

So, whatcha gonna to about it? You can stay the course, likely proceed to divorce at worst and a miserable family situation at best or.... engage with your DH, draw him out by recognizing him as an equity parent to all kids in the marital home regardless of kid biology, and make him your partner in raising your kids. You and your DH are supposed to be equity life partners. If you are not tolerating him as an equity parent.... you are not allowing him to be your equity life partner and you for sure are failing to be his.

Jocie's picture

When you said you briefly engaged in correcting the behavior, apply discipline then move on to the fun stuff that is what I want!!!!!!!!!!!!

that is not what happens!!!!
You are right, we never sat down and talked about our parenting styles in the beginning, then it was too late!

I think your idea of talking about it and being equal partners is great but its so hard if our parenting styles are so different.

I know his parenting will not change so its either we go back to the way it was or I put up with the way it is now. I don't like either option. Sad

hereiam's picture

So, your husband went from one extreme to the other. That's very mature (sarcasm).

Sounds like the two of you need to go back to counseling.

Jocie's picture

Yes a few of my friends have said the same thing! He's the adult ! If we go back to counselling I'll find a new one next time.
thanks

Java_Junkie's picture

Boom, boom, boom...

These three resound.

Gotta say, I was struggling, came here and learned that I was doing this same thing (called disengaging) and I will say, IT WORKS. Somehow, it seems, bioparents (sometimes) breathe a sigh of relief when a stepparent comes in, and they expect the load to get easier - so they (sometimes) ease up. I've seen it happen, think it's subconscious.

The kid feels the load lighten and the boundaries go soft, so he "tests" the new boundaries. Stepparent sees Junior showing off or doing something dumb or dangerous and says something, and bioparent gets super-offended as if stepparent is calling the bioparent a bad parent...

Been there. I was the kid testing the boundaries in the '80s, have been the stepdad dealing with punks who are the product of guilt-ridden permissive parents a little while now. Sometimes, it's subtle (passive-aggressive games) and sometimes it's pretty much in-your-face, but it happens. Everyone tests the boundaries, even the bioparents, and whenever they meet some sort of opposition, they act all butthurt. In a marriage, remember that 50%+50%=FAILURE - in parenting, it's the same. BOTH parents, whether bio- or step- have to do their full 100%, or face failure. Bioparents must be open to accept open and honest stepparents who are there to support in some truly honest and non-delusional ways.

So... as a stepparent, when my parenting style clashed with hers because I set (and keep) solid boundaries and she's a lot more laid back than me, I disengaged with her kid who was aggravating me. A few things happened:
1. Biomom suddenly had to go back to parenting, because I stopped correcting diddley-squat. Her kid would start making wolf noises or whatever he does, and after a while, she'd finally snap and GO OFF on him WAY BIGGER than I would. It made her finally acknowledge how disruptive Thing 1 had been all along by interrupting her and I. I never said "I told ya so" or anything, just got back to conversation with her... She became the parent she had been before I came along, and she and her kids needed that (me, too!).
2. When Biomom went off on him, Junior realized I hadn't cornered the market on doling out the discipline, and he realized that she was mad for a good reason: He was being a pinhead. He loves mommy so much that he doesn't want to let her down, so he straightened up. He became the kid he was before I came along, and he and I are doing GREAT.
3. I saw her go from non-parenting to hyperparenting, and when she came back to regular parenting, I was able to harmonize - and she and I are BETTER THAN EVER. No kidding. I have become the father figure these kids need, and they are all starting to really appreciate me every bit as much as I'm appreciating them. No delusions, it's really THAT GOOD.

If anything, I'd say, "The banks to the River Of Peace are muddy." To get to those cool, clear waters, you'll have to walk through the mud. Best bet is to not keep walking along the bank, but to march right in.

Now, another thought... this kid has a couple of friends who turned out to be losers. Stealing, lying, ungood stuff. SSon is wanting to sever ties. Biomom and I are on the same page, letting him make the decisions as we make parental recommendations and speaking from wisdom and experience, and dammit all to hell... he's listening and gaining some great respect for both of us. He has another friend who I am really struggling with because every time he comes over, he breaks or spills something (and shrugs it off like NBD), and I've made it clear that that kind of behavior is not appropriate in my world. Before, they thought I had a personal beef with the kid - but now they sort of "get" my perspective, that breaking something *happens* - but not offering to make it right is *disrespect* - and the behavior of a punk. It's up to this other kid if he wants to stop acting like a punk or not, and while he's said to be improving, I'm still wary. With time, I'll see a pattern of improvement or a return to his other pattern, but our core family is doing really well.

And I credit a lot of our stepfamily success story to some temporary disengagement that made some ripples at first, but now we're all riding the same waves.

Jocie's picture

Hello,

Thanks for your comments. I am parenting my son all the time. His behavior is not intolerable at all. I am constantly parenting him and helping him make good choices in his life.
My husband is just really, really black and white, there is no room for error with him. Its like 8pm is bedtime and if its 8:10pm he will let you know that its 8:10! He doesn't have fun with my kid - never has, he just tells him off and then ignores him.
I come from a family where we all laugh a lot and and we are all a bit crazy in a good way. My husband comes from a family where there's not a lot of laughter and its all about discipline and what you need to be doing next. Not just stopping and having a laugh. I just try and see the fun in things, which has disappeared a lot since I have been married. When he was parenting him all the time I felt like I lost myself in this marriage and wasn't my happy self anymore.
It got to the point that I was questioning my parenting all the time in fear of what my husband would say. I hated it. I am a grown woman with intelligent ideas and suggestions but it feels like my husband thinks if I'm not parenting him like he is then its wrong.
The counselor understood my unhappiness and told him he needed to let me parent my kid and he needed to learn to back off but I find it rather childish that he ignores him now. Why should I be happy about that? I want him to be an awesome step parent but he's not. I do find it very sad that my son is misunderstood by his step dad and he doesn't see all the awesomeness that he is.
Thanks. I'mm not sure what else to say right now....

Jocie's picture

Hes not intolerable at all. My husband just has different expectations. I discipline my son all the time, just not with a black and white attitude like his.
thanks

Jocie's picture

Hi thanks for your comments, you have made some interesting points!

My husband does have a daughter, she is 13 and was taken to another country by her mother. He has not seen her for 3 years. That is a whole other story and its horrible and sad and unfair.

I do agree with you that step parents don't do many things right in our eyes! I don't think he's a good step parent and my picture of a step father was to be an awesome role model to my child as well as teaching him right and wrong. Having laughs and fun and mucking around.

I like what you said about 'to me' my son is wonderful and special and to everyone else he's just a kid. I did'n think of it like that. When he disciplines him I take it personally. Ahh! I can't help it.
I don't feel like I made a mistake, I feel that there needs to be a balance of discipline and fun and there's only been the discipline and no fun which I found really hard! I was questioning my parenting all the time and was miserable. I am a grown woman with view points and abilities and I want to feel confident not hopeless.

I guess I just put up with it now or I talk to him again. Hmmm.
thanks

Is_What_It_Is's picture

It sounds like your Dh has disengaged from your son. If he cannot discipline for bad behaviors that he finds irksome, then he isn't going to be invested.

I realized this with my skids - I couldn't discipline them for behaviors that I saw as annoying and disrespectful - I would be disciplining ALL THE FREAKING TIME! And their dad did not discipline because what they do does not bother him. I just cannot care more about them being knuckleheads than Dh does - so I disengaged from it all.

You really need to set down with your Dh and discuss this. He was childless before you and now he suddenly has a stepson and a baby - he doesn't know how to parent. You both should research what is best for children of those ages and come together as a united front. That's about the only way you will be okay - unless you can learn to accept the fact that Dh has disengaged.

Jocie's picture

Thanks for your comments.
He does have a daughter actually, she's not in the country anymore though. thats another story. Sad

I appreciate what you said in your last paragraph - I will think about that.