Problems...
I hate to say this but I cant stand my sd. When me and my husband first got together sd was 10 months old. Mom walked out on her and he had full custody. I have been step in mom since then and she is 5 now. I havent disliked her the whole time. We were good until she turned 3. She got to be this child that ignored us, got an attitude, never minded. It has just gotten worse and she is 5. I dont know what to do. Me and my husband have a baby together that just turned 1. He is an absolute momma's boy. He doesnt want to hardly be around anybody else. In the early years of our marriage my sd was not nice. She would often give me go to hell looks. I could not love on my husband without her trying to get in the middle of us. She has kinda gotten away from that now and she just says I stole her. Her mom lives several states away and calls her maybe once a month. She sees her once a year occasionally for 2 weeks. The whole relationship I have been the bad mom because I discipline. Her dad feels sorry for her because her mom left her so in the early years he would not get on to her. Now he doesnt understand because of that she does not respect him at all. I truly dont know what to do. Everybody tells me Im a bitch to her. And although we dont get along one of the reasons is because in a lot of ways we are alike. So we clash bad. We argue alot. Before I got married I didnt really want kids and to this day Im really weird with kids. Im pretty awkward with them in a certain age bracket. Help...
Anytime I tell a coworker
Anytime I tell a coworker anything about home she tells me this. Also my mother and grandmother tells me this. She lives with me and my husband. I am pretty much the only person that handle day to day care of the baby. SD goes between both of us. I get her ready for school or anything else. The only thing I dont do is play with her and love on her.
Actually as far as my mother
Actually as far as my mother in concerned she may see me a few times a month maybe. And she forgets she once had 2 sets of step kids that she hated. And i mean literally hated to the point with one of them she divorced her husband when the mother died and he had to move in with us. And she treated him AWFUL. Im the only one enforcing any punishment. I went several months without getting on to her because I was always the bad person. I had to finally stop because my husband, her dad, would not punish her at all. She would have been able to get away with murder. And as far as arguing, it goes like this. "Kacelynn go brush your teeth." "NO I dont want to." "Kacelynn go brush your teeth." "No. (Give me a go to hell look) "Kacelynn Nikole if I have to tell you one more time to get up there and brush your teeth you are getting a spanking." "Go clean your room." "I dont want to." "I dont care we all do things we dont want to and we didnt make the mess you did." "Cry..Cry..Cry.. I dont wanna." whine whine whine. "If you do not clean your room you cant go outside." "Ok I didnt want to go outside anyway." Kacelynn eat your food." "I dont want to eat." tell her a few more times "if you dont eat you can go to bed." "I want to go to bed." "I cant fix your hair when you are looking down." "Ugh "whine" why do you keep telling me that" "Because I tell you constantly I cannot fix your hair if you are looking down."
Even if you don't love this
Even if you don't love this child I would suggest trying to hug her at least once a day (this is assuming you don't already, ignore if you do). Try to pick out one good thing she does and give her a hug for it. Or have a set time that she gets a hug, first thing in the morning, or saying bye before school or when she gets out of school or at bed time. Just showing a little affection once a day may help to change your relationship with her. Children at that age need physical signs of affection in order to bond.
For the most part dad doesn't
For the most part dad doesn't help with anything unless I outright ask him to do something specifically. He leaves for work before I do so I get myself and both kids ready. But even on the weekends I'm getting myself and both of them ready besides telling my husband that his clothes look ok. One thing that I think would help mine and as relationship of that we have been pushed on each other so much. I constantly get told I'm her mom. As she gets told I'm mom even though she knows who her mom is.
Correct that every time.
Correct that every time. Either say no I am my husbands wife and I choose to help with sd in someways. Or say no I am her step mother and that is ok, and I choose to help her dad with her in some ways. Choose which ever title you feel more comfortable with. You are definately not that girls mother and there is nothing wrong or dirty with that, there is no reason to hide it or for others to feel awkward because you are not her mother. I am a full time step mother myself and I do not claim to be my step daughters mother because I am not and we both know it.
Then make sure that everything you do for your sd is a choice that you have made and not something that you feel obligated to do because you have gotten into the routine and habit of filling in for your husbands lazy parenting. Otherwise the resentment and agrivation will only grow.
I havent disliked her the
I havent disliked her the whole time. We were good until she turned 3. She got to be this child that ignored us, got an attitude, never minded
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Most kids go through this type of behavior at some point. Let me ask you a question…did you start treating her different around this time? IMHO…a lot of step moms expect skids to be walking talking robots that are perfect. It sounds like you maybe started treating her like she is NOT your child. And she is not. BUT…you took on the mom roll 5 years ago. Hard to back out now.
And sorry, but if you have a lot of people telling you that you are a bitch to the kid, then you probably are.
I think you should get some therapy to come to grips with your dislike of a 5 year old. Especially one that you raised. Not being ugly, just saying that you are in a bad situation and someone should be able to help.
I am a big proponent of disengagement. But not with a full time toddler that you raised. However, your DH needs to step up more. You have spoiled him by doing everything. Like most moms do. Lol
But he can certainly help more on the weekends.
IMHO…if you can’t figure out how to be a mom to this child that you seemed to have raised from a baby, you need to leave immediately before she gets WAY to attached to you and you and her are miserable for the rest of your lives.
She is not attached to me.
She is not attached to me. She tells me all the time I stole her and she hates me. She has for years now. I have no patience for anybody. My patience is non existent. But me and my husband had a talk about it last night who sees everything first hand behind closed doors and not just what people see occasionally when Im around and he says I do a great job as a mom to her and to our baby. The only thing he wishes is that we could find a common ground to get along. He said he wants his wife and his daughter to get along. That we are always at each others throats. If my husband doesnt think Im doing a bad job then I dont believe it from anybody else. And he agreed that she is not acting right. It doesnt matter how we discipline she doesnt care. She has even told him a few times that he stole her from her momma. That she lived with her first and then he took her. And im not going to leave because we dont get along when I have a baby with my husband and I would have to be alone the rest of my life at 30 because anybody I got with from this point would have kids and I would be a step mom then too.
Wow that is pretty complex
Wow that is pretty complex stuff for a 5 year old to be thinking about let alone talking about. It sounds like she is exposed to a lot of relationship turmoil and adult discussions to be talking like that. If it is from your house hen that needs to stop, if it is else where then her dad needs to do what he can to encourage the other adults to remove her from adult conversations.
As for your husband he wants an easy life. He says you do a great job because you do his job so he doesn't have to. Not saying you do a bad job, just that it isn't your job to do everything for his daughter and particularly if your doing everything causes rifts in your relationship with her and disharmony in your home then your husband needs to step up and take in more of a direct parenting role.
I dont know where she comes
I dont know where she comes up with the stuff she says honestly. She is an extremely smart girl and knows very large words and their exact meaning. She doesnt talk to her mom much and doesnt see her besides calling through facebook and she doesnt say anything to her because we are in the room, and because she doesnt want her.
I think that "hate" is a bit
I think that "hate" is a bit strong when targeted at a 5yo. However, I do understand establishing reasonable behavioral standards for kids in your home and enforcing them in an age appropriate manner with escalating consequences for failure to comply.
I find the complete absense of mention of your DH in your post to be very interesting. Other than to mention him only once. "When me and my husband first got together sd was 10 months old" is the only time you mentioned him. Where is he in all of this? Does he hold his daughter to some standard of behavior and shut her down when she gets nasty with you or does he keep his head shoved up his butt and ignore it?
Rather than hate this kid I think you need to drag DH into engaging and dealing with the behavioral issues that this little girl is perpetrating. To try to put your feelings towards her on a more positive path I suggest that you begin to take some actions that will help grow positive feelings. Take her to a girls outing occassionally, start having a mom/daughter tea occoassionally, put some effort in. You may see improvement in her and in yourself as far as how you interface with each other. Use these times to give your DH and your son some dad/boy time together.
For sure you must drag your DH kicking and screaming into the picture and force him to deal with his daughters behavioral challenges.
Just some thoughts.
Good luck.
I didnt say I hated her I
I didnt say I hated her I said I hated to say I couldnt stand her. My husband doesnt do alot as far as helping with either child. Even my son solely depends on me for everything. I feed him, bathe him, read to him, play with him, hold him, get him ready. It almost pulling teeth to get my husband to help. I cannot leave the house unless I take our son. My husband will not keep him by himself unless im literally only gone about 20 minutes at most. I only have the time after my son goes to bed to do anything else. We had a talk last night about this because I told him I needed help with both Jaxon and Kacelynn. It becomes very stressful getting myself ready plus both of them with no help. He only put him in bath water once and griped because he didnt give him baths and didnt know what to do.