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My home is becoming a war zone!!

AmesGrace's picture

Sad Hello. I have been remarried for 4 years now. My husband has 1 daughter (10) and I have 1 daughter and(14) and 1 son (11). All of the kids live with us. To make a long story short, my ex is God to my kids and what he says is law. The problem is that he is telling my daughter she does not have to listen to her stepdad and that he is not allowed to tell anything. I've asked him to back me up but he hates my husband and refuses to help. Its been almost 6 years. My husband has about had enough and wants me to send my daughter back with her dad. He is talking about leaving me because of my daughter's refusal to straighten up. The problem with sending her to her dad's is my ex doesnt take care of her. Both kids got held back 2 years in school bc he didn't make them go, they never brush their teeth, take a bath, wear clean clothes, etc. We've been to counseling and tried everything.  Someone please help!

Acratopotes's picture

oh dear.... you are not going to like my suggestions, but it's the only way Hon...

Sit your current husband down and say, you have an action plan and you should try it for 3 months minimum.

You will discipline your children and he will discipline his. He should not be telling your daughter what to do, he should make a mental note if she was rude to him or cussed at him or what ever, even not doing her chores and then he must tell you the problem, you on the other hand have to deal with it, ask DH how he would handle it and agree on punishment suitable for the offense, Then punish DD/BS accordingly.

Same goes the other way around, if SD does something you do not approve with, do not talk to her, talk to DH, calm and collected and decide what to do together, but it's the bio parents responsibility to hand out the punishment ... not the step parent.

Make sure it does not turn into tit for tat... the kids will realize that the 2 adults in the house stands together and they will not get away with their manipulation.

If DD suddenly want to go and live with her Dad, you can say NO... she will only move if you and DH stand together cause now she can't play victim anymore and will want to move to Dad cause there's no rules. You simply smile and say Dear DD, this is as per CO, you live with me, under my roof and according to my rules, if you and your father does not like it, Dad can go back to court, pay the legal fees and change it... end of discussion.

Remember you and DH have different parenting styles, thus I suggest you tread carefully around the punishments..
work out something applicable to all children...

Disrespect to an adult - grounded for a week
Not doing chores - no electronics for a week, the other children can do your chores and they will get paid for it..

See a list like this... then all 3 children will be punished equally depending on their offense...