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Adult daughter (19) is here for the summer

streetcat's picture

My SO and I recently bought a house that we're now living in together with my son, who is 15. SO has a middle daughter who is with us for the next 11 weeks and 3 days. Not that I'm counting... .

SO and I met 5 years ago, started dating 4 years ago, moved in a month ago. My son (15) has some mental health issues, partly genetic and partly made worse from having an abusive dad. S15 is being treated for depression/anxiety. It's up for debate whether I'm being selfish or taking care of myself, but I held off moving in with SO until his kids were off to college. Didn't feel I had the bandwidth, and I didn't want to add another rock to my son's load while he was (is) still relatively fragile. We went through a lot and I'm kinda done with drama for, like, ever, and didn't want to take the chance that things could go bananas.

Turns out D19 got a summer job here and I kinda felt like, who am I to be unreasonable and say no? It's only for the summer.

She is sweet and strange, and super needy. She had what a shrink referred to as a psychotic depression in high school, now she's taking bipolar meds. There was some transgender talk there for a while, yet that seems to have passed. By all accounts, she is doing well at college and seems to be making friends, and has good grades.

Long and short of it is this: she is always underfoot when SO is home. I'm starting to withdraw from doing things that might involve her. She's nice, and she is also weird. She hugs SO too long (he is uncomfortable after she goes at it for a while), holds his hand while they're out walking (um, 19?), which we would typically do just the two of us every night. She doesn't seem to read social cues too well so I can't be subtle about anything and I don't know her well enough to be blunt. She will text him from her bedroom after we go to bed after seeing him for hours, often because she became anxious about something. (Like, "I don't think the new boss is going to like me.") I could go on but based on what little I've read, y'all probably know the drill.

I learned the hard way that I can't control what someone else does. I can tell SO what matters to me and point out that he's not helping his daughter when he doesn't set boundaries with her. He's kinda codependent so I doubt he'll make sweeping changes.

So what if I start doing things on my own when I feel uncomfortable? SO and I can talk about these things, and have had some pretty open reciprocal good conversations about all this. I don't mean doing my own things in a passive aggressive way. I mean taking care of myself so that I don't start to feel resentful. I don't feel comfortable going out together as a threesome, so what if I just say no thanks? D19 wants to snuggle with her dad while we're watching shows, and that feels eww with me on the other side of him. What if I decide we watch our favorite shows together in our room, no more threesome tv?

I've read reference to the mini-wife and I guess that's what I'm dealing with? Except D19 is nice and if anything, oblivious. Maybe it's a different kind of mini-wife, where the enabling comes from a serious mental diagnosis? I dunno, my son is the opposite because he is more cat like, not intruding on anything (a different problem altogether). So I have empathy for the complex child, it's mostly the neediness that baffles me.

streetcat's picture

It's interesting you say that because when she first announced she was transgender female-to-male, I could not reconcile the daddy's girl behavior with any of that.

She does not have a malicious bone in her body, she's just needy. Even so, I find myself grossed out. I've pulled back from being affectionate with SO because D19 is always in that space, it seems. She wants to sit next to him at dinner, she wants to sit next to him on the couch, she wants to hug him the minute he gets in the door, and give him long affectionate hugs before she goes up to bed. When she sits next to him, she's constantly hugging him or holding onto his arm. She holds his hand when they take the dog for a walk. Everywhere he goes, she goes. One night she followed SO into our bedroom when he was going to brush his teeth. Fine. But with all the other shadowing and hugging, I need at least my bedroom for some alone time with SO! I said I needed to get ready for bed and could she take the dog out to the living room, so managed to navigate that one instance.

Is it better to establish the dynamic I think is healthy for the three of us? I don't know how I would say anything about the hand holding or just the constant clinging. SO's relationship with her is odd in that he will be very blunt with her about some things and then tiptoe around anything that has to do with boundaries. I guess we're all like that to some extent.

Or do I just keep the peace and look out for myself. For example, meal times are a strain because we're contained together. I am thinking about saying that two nights a week I'll join them, otherwise I'll be doing my own thing.

I do feel resentment building. SO mentioned that D19 will be going out for dinner tomorrow night, so did I want to go out that night. And I found myself thinking that no, I don't want to go out on the one night she's not here, like he's squeezing me into the schedule simply because she's not going to be home.

I don't know if it's jealousy I'm feeling or more revulsion that the boundaries are so weak. My guess is that their relationship is this way because SO's marriage to her mom was so devoid of intimacy. SO talks about how he wants his D19 to be less needy but then he perpetuates her neediness by giving in.

I dunno. Can't tell if I'm overreacting (new at this) or should carve out my own space and let their dynamic roll.

streetcat's picture

Thanks, I feel better knowing I'm not alone! It doesn't sound cynical what you say at all. My son lives with us, so I understand the bio parent angle, but with S15 it's like living with a phantom. He's very quiet and shy and is the exact opposite of needy. I wish he engaged with us more, actually.

I can see now that I created a bit of a fantasy where SOs kids would be out of the house and that would give us some time to establish our own relationship together. Silly me.

About sitting back and watching SO deal with the needy behavior...I can do nothing, but does it help to do at least a little? For example, it feels weird to me to hold his hand when she's holding his other hand when we walk the dog, so I draw my hand away. When she sits so close to him on the couch, practically draped on him, I go sit somewhere else. Do I just continue doing that? He can tell I'm not engaging and I know he misses my affection. He was practically starved for physical touch when I met him.

Our biggest issue so far with D19 started when she was at school and kept texting and calling him after 10pm when we were both in bed. It drove me nuts because usually she was anxious about something, which made SO anxious, which made me anxious. After talking to her, he would fall asleep right away and I would be wide awake. I talked to him about it and he made small fixes, and then she moved here so I figured it would go away. And then she started texting him from her bedroom! After seeing him for hours!

How do you navigate things like that that directly impact you?

My son barely eats anything and only likes about 5 different foods. S15 eats nothing, D19 eats a lot. She keeps taking foods I buy for S15 into her bedroom. Do I talk to her directly? Or do I just label the food that is S15's? Or tell SO to talk to her about it?

streetcat's picture

Yup, something is definitely up. He has some PTSD behaviors. We are suspecting there may be more (he's receiving treatment). Plus he has sensory issues. His dad is bipolar so he's learning stress management just in case the other shoe drops.

Elle Jay's picture

Threestrikes...Your way of handling the finances makes great sense. My husband and I do the same. We share our living costs and are responsible for our own retirement savings. I am a good saver and hubby not so good and it saves arguments. And its not as if I sit there hoarding my earnings and not paying my share, I pay plenty on renovations, holidays and general enjoyment. I just want my husband to make reasonable provision for his retirement which is looming and as I am 10 years younger so will not be in that situation for a long while. He also made some very unwise business decisions years ago without my knowledge, which was very hard for us to bounce back out off so I prefer to do things my way and look after myself. Also it solves the argument of inheritence issues when we die. If my husband dies first and has no savings left I feel his kids cannot claim off my kids what I have saved. If I predecease my husband he will get all my savings for the enjoyment of his life and I just hope he will pass the remainder to my sons. I am not worried about what he does with his savings if he passes first and there are still some left. His kids are welcome to it. Just don't want them taking what I have saved at my adult kids expense.

sandye21's picture

Threestrikes, My DH and I do the same. No arguments over money. I have named beneficiaries for my savings. The house goes to the spouse if one of us dies. We have both been retired for a while, and even though he has limited funds, it seems to be OK. But like you, I 'Plan B' intact. Years ago when I wanted to quit my job he let me know he would not be willing to support me while I looked for another job. It goes both ways.

streetcat's picture

I read some other stories on the boards and am seeing how this could be so much worse. But ugh, I can't imagine this going on for years. Both SO and I were married to passive-aggressive types, and we have worked hard to establish good communication. I don't like the idea of quietly disengaging, but I also want him to handle this rather than putting it on my shoulders. I've made it really clear how I feel and he has admitted that he feels uncomfortable, so I guess all that's left is to show with actions that I'm serious about feeling uncomfortable. Maybe it's just making my discomfort felt.

newlyblendedandtrying's picture

that is beyond strange, my 9 year old step son sits and watches tv with one hand on his dad's face and I thought that was weird. Holding hands while walking the dog is super strange. I wouldn't even know how to handle that. Have you talked to him about needing some time for the two of you? "hey I understand your daughter is here and thats great, but lets save this show for and watch it in bed later I miss our me & you time"
Guys are so dense sometiems we have to spell out excatly what we need in order to feel comfortable. It soundslike his daughter has some serious issues as well, has she seen a therapist?

2Tired4Drama's picture

Since you all have not lived together long, a month, this may be a "temporary" problem. SD19 may be just marking her territory with your SO, setting the stage for her place in the household. That's precisely why your SO needs to get her to stop this behavior now. He needs to point-blank have a conversation with her and explain that some of her physical behaviors are not acceptable. This would be the same whether your SO had a relationship with you, or not. He has admitted it's uncomfortable, so he needs to deal with it.

streetcat's picture

Thank you all so much for the feedback. 2Tired4Drama, I'm hoping this is a temporary problem. And your name perfectly describes how I feel at this point in my life.

SO and I have had an inside joke about taking turns to be the wife. Sometimes he cooks/cleans, sometimes I do it, depending on our schedules. We made a passing reference to our joke one night , and now SD19 is trying to get in on the joke. Last night she said she could be the wife one night. Gah!

She is a very sweet person, super naive, with zero boundaries, thanks to dad.

In 10 days, SO leaves to take a graduation trip with his oldest, SD21, leaving SD19 here with me and S15 for a week. She is so needy and I have a huge project to finish for school, plus my son and I miss an opportunity to be in the house together after a big transition for both of us.

I'm thinking about (super gently) asking SO if SD19 could go stay with her mom for a week while I finish my project and spend some time with S15. SD19's mom lives about a 4.5 hour drive away (she has a car, and drove down from college close by, so she can do the drive).

I get mixed reactions from friends when I talk about raising this option with SO. Some of them think I will put a serious dent in the relationship. Others, especially those who know what I went through in my marriage, and who know my son, are encouraging me to Have The Talk.

What do y'all think? I could really use some time with my son and get this project done. It's a grad degree that I've been working on for 5 years and I desperately want to finish this summer so I don't have to pay fall tuition. If SD19 was less needy, I could probably balance things better, taking the week off from work to be home with S15 while also working on finishing school.

It would definitely send the message to SO that there's a problem, and would tell me if he has it in him to make a correction. I know he knows his SD19s behavior is problematic, and he also knows I'm not happy that things are working out like this.

sandye21's picture

There is a big difference between asking for time to work on your grad degree and simply demanding SD go to BM's just to get a needy SD out of your hair. Glad you are sending the message to DH because it is really something he needs to take care of. When you send the message remember - you deserve to be treated like his wife and his ONLY wife. I am surprised your DH didn't immediately say something to SD when she suggested being 'wife for the day'.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

When SD suggested being wife too DH should have said no can do kiddo. You're the kid no matter how old you are. In a light manner this would have sent the message loud and clear.

As to SD staying there while he is gone. Nope she should go to her mothers. Tell him it feels awkward and you need your time and privacy while he is gone.