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On the backbench?

it is rough's picture

I wonder if I'm wrong. To include a short background, my fiancé is residential parent and shares custody with the grandmother of every other weekend and Wednesdays. The mother lives in another state and flies in for visitation every other month and in the summers. The grandmother helped raise the child, who is 5, and I believe that is why she has visitation. My fiancé entered the picture half way through the child's life. My fiancé is now a very dedicated dad and basically lives for his daughter (I met him afterwards).

The child entered school and began struggling. My fiancé decided to go to court to eliminate or at least limit grandmother's time, to "create a stable life for her", less back and forth. He feels as though she is inferring with his ability to parent her. He is ok with the mother's visitation.

I am fine with the grandmother's visitation because it gives us a break. The child is very sweet; however, I do not have children and miss the freedom of before. My fiancé is very loving and tries to understand my feelings. He is rather strict with her and doesn't let her get away with bad behavior. But he is very firm that he is the best interest for her and that he wants to get her as much as he can. I think I could adjust; however, the other side is always sending harassing emails and threats. And now, my fiancé has hired an expensive lawyer. Our bank accounts are combined, we also have a house, and he wants to spend all of our money, and then some. I am resenting her now.

I really love my fiancé a lot and I have never found someone that shares so many of my interests. We created a dream together of moving and purchasing land, but everything is now on hold for her. We will not have any money left, and probably a good amount of debt. I told him he is only entitled to half our savings, and I expressed I thought court was a mistake. I hoped he could just be happy with how things are, visitation wise. The grandmother is very wealthy and is now trying for more visitation with her lawyer.

I don't know how to handle the situation, am I wrong for wanting to purchase my dream home, open our business, and begin a family of our own. We share so many ideas, but he throws them all to the side, just to get his daughter even more. The child loves her grandmother and mother. I don't want to wait for the lengthy court process and thousands of dollars to disappear before beginning, but in the same sense we both want the exact same things in life (besides her) and he is such as kind, loving person. I feel as though I'm on the backbench waiting and waiting, I'm ready to begin my life now and he seems so wrapped up in everything with her.

it is rough's picture

I am thinking this might be the best option. So far, we have agree on how our money is spent. I guess this is the first time we don't agree.

it is rough's picture

Yeah, I have been avoiding marriage because custody seems to be such a big issue for the last few years. Thanks for giving me some things to think about.

HappilySelfish679's picture

UGH NOOOOO !! You bought land and combined finances with somebody who has another human being to support who is not your child ? Sorry to say, this was a huge mistake you will regret for a long time.

I am married to DH and we have strictly separate finances, heck, DH lives in my house and is not on the deed, or will be, ever. DH is paying rent and that check better be on the kitchen counter prior to the 3rd of each month.

SIGHS. When will women ever learn ?

it is rough's picture

I guess so. I just don't understand why he is perfectly fine with giving up everything, just for a few more days a month.

it is rough's picture

That's very true. The grandmother is very hard to get along with. He frequently mentions that he feels as though it is his right as a fit parent to raise his kid. Gma tries very hard to control the situation.

LikeMinded's picture

You need to separate your assets NOW.

It's wonderful that you are thinking about what's best for everyone else, but who is thinking about what's best for you?

If you were my daughter, first I'd yell at you for combining things in the first place. Then I'd sit down with you to make sure your assets are protected.

This man is going to do everything in his power to get this child and take care of her the way he sees fit. Even if that incluldes spending every single dime on a useless custody battle.

I read somewhere that 60% of blended families fail. Why, because step parenting sucks--we ALL agree to that on this board... it sucks, it's hard, and not everyone can do it (or should).

So... all your money goes into a custody battle that is none of your business and the day you need money for health reasons or retirement, oops it's gone (and the guy might be gone too--he's already shown you that his daughter is more important than you).

It's not to late, EVEN IF THIS BLOWS OVER, do what you need to do and set up your finances so that you can exit at any time. I wouldn't be surprised if you guys got 100% custody and you were miserable.

LikeMinded's picture

Go to the step dad section and read the thread called "qutting SD" to see how much a stepfather paid for his adult SKID and the little he got in return...

twoviewpoints's picture

I think grandma in this case is BM's mother. It also sounds as if Gma had the child until Dad arrived on the scene 2 1/2 years ago. She isn't clear on how the actual custody order is, just that Dad is residential. BM or perhaps even Gma may be 50/50 legal.

twoviewpoints's picture

Yeah, I wouldn't combine any finances nor have invested in co-property (they aren't even married). She can probably bet two court battles will be the end of lawyers and courtrooms.

I'd be feeling like any joint accounts and co-investments are on unsecured boundaries.

twoviewpoints's picture

I think more would need to be known about the father before judging the first 2 1/2 year absence.

He may have been military or baby existence unknown to him. We do get post about fathers being in the dark about knowledge a child is born and/or biologically theirs.

it is rough's picture

I am not that worried about our finances, at this moment. We are fairly young and don't have too much saved. I guess I am upset that he is willing to go into debt and use everything he has to fight this pointless battle, IMO. I just wish he would think more of OUR future, and plan ahead for OUR family. He has his daughter a good amount of time, I don't see why he can't just be happy for how much he does have her.

The house was a great investment, and if we were to sell it, I believe we could both make out nicely. It made more sense than renting, at the time.

it is rough's picture

He makes slightly more than me, but has way more bills and debt. I would like to say we almost break even with what we contribute.

And I see what you are saying. It is frustrating when I give so much to "us" and he places me second though. He entertains me with all these "ideas" and "dreams" yet having her full-time seems more important than a potential future with me. I guess I just don't get how she can be the only important thing.

twoviewpoints's picture

"The mother lives in another state and flies in for visitation every other month and in the summers. "

Is BM in college out of state? Coming home every other month and then for the summer? Sounds off to school to me.

Curious. Does the present CO say grandma gets to utilize BM's scheduled visitation? Look at the present CO and read the language carefully BEFORE Dad sinks more into another battle.

it is rough's picture

Nope, she is pursing a career in another state. I don't see her coming back anytime soon. Maybe in the future. It's a region-based career.

Grandmother was legally given mother's time, when she is not in the state. It is very clear to mention it.

it is rough's picture

x

it is rough's picture

But is it worth going in debt over? The grandmother isn't going to just give up. She's got a lot of money and is very controlling.

robin333's picture

I won't be paying, let alone go into debt, for college or wedding for my bio or steps. And neither will my DH or he won't be a DH.

twoviewpoints's picture

The unpredictable factor in going for a visitation modification is BM. BM fought for the order giving Grandma visitation, she might decide, if that is attempted to be messed with, to return or request all school breaks and all summer be granted to herself and fly the child to her.

Depending on BM's reaction to Dad's attempt, while Gma might have lost, BM herself may end up with the child more (ex, a week at spring break, two weeks at winter break, several long weekends and nine weeks summer)

Rags's picture

No you are not wrong. I fact your DF needs to hear it firmly, directly, and often. He cannot unilaterally decide anything without prior discussion and approval from you.

You are fortunate, generally you are in a good situation with your relationship. However, if DF does not find clarity then you have a decision to make. To start I would open a separate account and move your half of all money so he cannot drain your dream. Then you have to decide if you are confident that he will be an all in equity life partner to you for rest of your lives together. If he cannot be an equity life partner, then find one.

As a reference for your progressing relationship here is the Step Parent's Bill of Rights which is a good foundation to keep in mind as you navigate the blended family adventure.

Step-parent Bill of Rights

1-I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.

2-People outside the immediate family - including ex-wives or husbands, in-laws and adult children - cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.

3-I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.

4-I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.

5-I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.

6-I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.

7-Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.

8-I will never be treated as an "outsider" in my own home.

9-My husband or wife and stepchildren must treat me with respect.

10-Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.

Take care of you.

Good luck.

ExArmydad's picture

Monkey is taking the words out of my mouth and I think I've said them many, many, many times before in private and surely on here.#3 on your list. I dread going home some nights because I can hear my SD miles before I even get home, she drives me to drink. The only reason I even go home is to see my DD's. So on certain nights, I walk in, open the freezer, grab the bottle, pour a shot, slam it. I hear SD come around the corner and look at me, I pour another shot. Then grab a beer. I do this to keep the piece. I've also been trying to get meds to numb me but the doc's think I'm a crackhead lol. So I'm stuck with alcohol haha.

soaif6's picture

Yes, but it doesn't seem like this is in his daughter's best interests. I think he is frustrated with GMA and acting irrationally. It is BM's visitation time that GMA is using. If BM wasn't LD, then she would have at least that much visitation anyway.

LikeMinded's picture

What sticks out to me in this thread is that nobody is caring about how this little girl is going to feel about not seeng her grandma as much.

The poor grandma stepped in when neither parent was doing their job and I can guarantee the kid is very tight with grandma--sure she's controlling... she's been the primary caregiver!

To me it doesn't sound like the dad is looking out for the kid's best interest.

He sounds very selfish and immature--which makes me worry even more about the OP and her cash.

OP should not have to pay anything for a child she did not make.