SD misbehavior and DH's fear that she won't visit
Hi All,
We have a recurring issue with my SD12. She's with us half time while my SS14, BS14, and BS16 live with us full time. My SD is pretty immature in general. I am lucky in many ways as she doesn't openly show disrespect to me and actually seems to care for me. I am unlucky in the fact that I personally have a really hard time with immature behavior. So I will admit that I often feel annoyance with her baby talk and attention seeking behaviors. Because of that, I've already backed off a bit. I am nice to her, include her in all family outings (even when she's on BM's time - with permission of course), and generally try to do what I can so she still feels like part of the family and not just a visitor. I'm sure it's hard for her being the only child bouncing back and forth..
So the problem is that when she does something wrong or breaks a house rule and gets caught she will first try to lie her way out of it and then will cry and pout. I want to be clear that consequences are not severe in my house - you pretty much just need to fix the situation. For instance, if you don't bring your laundry downstairs when I ask you have to go get it or may have to wash it yourself if it's the 99th time you've done it. Nothing major that would warrant waterworks. This is annoying but wouldn't be a big problem by itself. The big problem is DH doesn't want to discipline her or call her on her actions if we're within a day or so of switching back. He also doesn't like to say much when she first gets to our house. Since we have her for 4 days, that leaves 1-2 days where her behavior can be addressed. Otherwise she's pretty much a princess who gets to flit about doing whatever the hell she wants.
A prime example happened last night (the night she transfers back to BM) - we got back from a camping trip and the kids were all supposed to bring their dirty clothes to the laundry room. Since she didn't change her clothes all weekend (I leave this stuff up to DH) she should have put the clean packed clothes back in her closet and brought down whatever was dirty. Instead she took the lazy way out and dumped the clean with the dirty. She of course lied about it for about 5 minutes and then admitted it when we showed her the still folded clean clothes mixed in. And cried of course. Every one of my kids has done this with their clothes at some point. I did it when I was a kid. DH probably did it. Not a big deal...so I gave her the same consequence as every other kid in the house. She was told she would need to do an extra chore when she gets back from her mom's. She went out to her mom crying and acting like we beat her or something and her mom is now all upset.
DH is upset with me because she went to BM crying. I know and understand that he's afraid she won't come to our house anymore because we have rules and consequences. BM doesn't parent and is the "friend." SD is extremely rude and disrespectful to her but there are no consequences. DH also still seems to really care what his ex and her family will say about us.
I've already stepped back and don't address hygiene and manners. I also don't make SD do chores like the others. I'm now getting to the point where I'm ready to completely disengage from her. I am worried that I will end up getting blamed if SD decides not to come visit or BM escalates the drama. I don't like the thought that she will have no rules or expectations while at our house but I guess we're already part way there. I don't know what to do. My ex isn't involved at all so I don't have to coparent with my BKs but I can imagine I would be scared too if my kids could make a choice to live with a fun parent over me so I understand DH's fear even if I think it's a bad idea to let SD have the run of things.
Has anybody found a better way to handle this? Do I disengage?
It's like our stories are the
It's like our stories are the same! Sd10 is the same way! The baby talking KILLS me as she is the oldest of our group and she has no consequences at home and DH doesn't like to discipline her because she starts telling him she doesn't want to come back. So frustrating! No advice but I'm in the same boat, you're not alone.
When she does the baby talk
When she does the baby talk to me I just tell her flatly that I can't understand her. She's mostly stopped doing it to me but will still use the voice around DH. It really really drives me nuts!!! It's like a combo of a Marilyn Monroe breathy voice and baby talk. I'm hoping she'll grow out of it.
My biokids are already
My biokids are already totally fed up with her. I've taught them to do help out around the house and be independent from an early age. They don't require a lot of support from me. I get compliments all the time about how well behaved and hard working they are. They are polite to SD but avoid her as much as possible because of her immature behavior. What really stinks is it's hard to get my BKs to go on family outings if she's going so I feel like I'm losing out on time with my own kids. I get one on one time with them because I make it happen but it's almost impossible to get family time. Sometimes I really miss the "old days" when it was just us. I was a single mom for 12 years so I guess I was used to doing things my way. I'm trying to be flexible and accommodating but I hate dreading half my week. Plus, if we go to the movies or do anything on days when BM is supposed to have SD, we always invite SD along. Since BM doesn't ever want to spend time with her, she always says yes.
I really do feel for my SD and I feel bad that her mom is so hands off and teaching her this drama crap. I want to be a positive influence in her life but I feel like my hands are tied so I just have to put up with annoying behavior. If I'm going to do that, I don't want to take on all the extra stress of doing things for her. I'm going to talk to DH tonight.
So I decided to step back
So I decided to step back further. I'm not fully disengaged but mostly there. I'm pretty much not saying anything about their behavior unless it directly impacts me. A couple nights ago the crap hit the fan...I went to use the bathroom before going to bed and sat on a wet seat. My SS14 periodically pees on the seat and I will admit I go ballistic because it grosses me out so much. I've gotten in the habit of checking (it makes me mad that I have to do this in my own house but whatever) but sometimes he'll half ass wipe it so it's hard to see.
I yelled at him in front of DH. I probably shouldn't have but I'm so so so tired of this happening! If he forgets to lift the toilet seat and pees on the rim, he's old enough to fix the mistake.
My DH thinks I'm overreacting and doesn't understand why I'm so bothered by this. To me, it's just one more freaking thing I have to change about what I value and how I live. Plus, I don't like another human being's urine on my bare skin.
I'm seriously considering divorce. I've been seriously considering divorce since about 3 months into our marriage (it's been a little over a year). I had no clue how hard it would be living like this. I've taken in kids before who needed to get straightened out and I did a good job at it even though I was a single mom. I figured it would be the same or easier being married but I was so very wrong.
I used to get this fantastic loving feeling every time I even thought of my DH. Now I have a hard time separating my feelings about the SKs with my feelings about him. I don't even know if I love him at this point but when I think of the love I used to feel it makes me so tremendously sad. He's a good man but I'm losing too much of myself living like this. It's hard to be in a house with 2 sets of rules for the kids. Since the SKs aren't taught even the slightest amount of responsibility, I'm also pretty sure they'll be around long into their 20s and I don't want to deal with that.
We very rarely go on dates or have marriage building time and I know that's an issue but can't find a solution. I'll try to do something during the week but it's hard to have the energy after working all day and getting dinner on the table for the kids. Weekends don't work because we have SD. DH is happy and doesn't see anything wrong with the way things are. He doesn't need date nights or time together as adults. He gets his feelings of love filled up by physical means but that doesn't work the same for me. We've talked about it and he says he understands but I don't think he does because nothing ever changes.
I was single for 12 years before I met him and sometimes I miss those days. I was lonely sometimes but I also was able to raise my own kids and not worry about SKs and all that comes with them. I'm an outsider in my own house most of the time and there is zero romance or adult companionship. I don't want to hurt my husband. I also don't want to move my kids yet again. I don't know what to do. I honestly never would have gotten married if I had a clue how bad it would be.