At the end of my rope... PLEASE help me
I married my husband almost 2 years ago. Now I am beginning to think that was the biggest mitsake of my life. When we started dating, we had been friends first. His children (daughter currently age 16, son currently age 9) had been in Maine with their biological mother. We got along so well and he was the most attentive and nicest person i had ever met. We were pretty serious by the time his children returned (he is the custodial parent) a few months later. When I met the children we got along very well. They started to call me "mom" after a while, even though i was a little uncomfortable about this so quickly. I did get used to it, however, and began to love the children very much. They do not have a very good relationship with their mother, as she was emotionally abusive at times and caused the break up of their family by infidelity (in which the children discovered themselves.) Now that I am married to their father, everything has gone straight to hell. Everytime their father punishes them or takes something away from them (which i must say is VERY rare) they blame me, even when i am at work or have no idea it has even happened. Everytime something goes wrong or they don't get what they want, i become the scapegoat. Yesterday my step-daughter was supposed to go to a tour of the college she wants to attend. They told me Friday evening, right before i left for work, that the event was the next morning at 930. I dont even get off work til 8 and dont make it home til 9!!! The college is in the next town and they would have had to leave by 9. I said "930!! Wow I dont know how that will work!" So i talked to my husband later that night and he said that she had decided to go later. When i got home, hell broke loose. It was my fault she couldnt go because i complained about being tired and got mad because i might not be able to go. WHAT?!?!?! I discussed it with my husband and he agreed and told her she would be punished. So again she got mad at ME and told her friends that she was grounded because i got mad and said she should be grounded and that because of me her dad was mad at her. She never takes responsibility for what SHE does. this is one of the minor things that she does, its just the most recent one. Once she almost burned the house down by leaving a curling iron plugged in on the carpet under a pile of clothes. When she was punished by my husband taking aout all the electronic stuff in her room, she wrote a letter about how i was such a bitch and ruined her life. I WASN'T EVEN HOME!!! And as if she isnt bad enough, my husband is even worse. Ususally, he just sleeps or hides in the computer room playing World of Warcraft. After this stuff with the college, I asked him to talk to her about why she treated me that way and blamed everything on me. He became extremely defensive and bit my head off saying "She is only 16. I know you did stuff like that when you were 16!! If you want the relationship to work YOU need to do something about it, not me!!" What the hell?!?! What is he doing?? NOTHING!! He lets me treat them anyway they want to and he just climbs under the bed and hides. When i withdraw myself and just keep to myself, he gets pissed because i'm not having anything to do with them, but when i try to talk to them or punish them, he gets mad at me!! I'm so tired of this. I'm thinking of taking our 6 month old daughter (Don't get mne wrong, he is an EXCELLENT father to her and I would want him to have equal time with her) and leaving because this has been going on for about a year now and nothing gets any better. I have suggested counseling but nobody thinks they need any because its all MY fault. Suggestions PLEASE!!!!
kimby79
Well, first of all it's NOT all your fault! You and your husband have to present a united front when dealing with these issues. Your husband is right on one point. She's a teenager. That's hard right there.
Now the other thing. It sounds like counseling is in order. Especially with what your sd has been through with her mother. I think that that is why she is having issues with you. She may be taking her feelings out on you that are how she feels about her mother. I don't know if I said that right but I hope it made sense.
Dawn
Thanks, Dawn...
My husband and I actually began counseling yesterday. I thought it went pretty well. We plan to include the children (either all together or alone) at a later time...
I can so totally relate..
Dawn is correct.
UNITED FRONT.. Which is what my husband and I should be doing as well. But when it comes to his kids I am allowed to say a word.. And its tearing me apart on the inside. His son this morning gets up calls his dad makes what I think is crap up. So hes not working today so he can quote on quote work on his car. I talk to his dad come to find out this girl hes been screwing basically her car is in our driveway. I have stated before with my kids being so young that I do not like that. Just because he is 21 why does that give him the right to have girls stay in our house. I tell my husband and of course he is well I don't know. What happened to standing beside me. When it comes to his kids its all about them and it does not matter what they do. I have made comments like this is not my house, only to clean and take care of. I am so tired.. I love my husband and realize a whole big part of our problem is we raise our kids to differently. But c'mon.. I am so stressed out..
I think that we should take a stance.. Call a family meeting.. I think I will and if that does not sink in .. I am not sure what I will do...
Best of luck to you dear.. I feel for you and I know what it totally feels like to be so heart broken and yet so in love with your husband.. I think that you can resolve this issue with out leaving.
I think the daughter may be a little jealous.. You said you have a 6 month old daughter and you were pregnant before that and you said she has been acting up for a year.. I would go to her and let her see how she is making you feel.. Let her hear what you have to say. I think Dawn is right she is hurt because her mom is unfit to have her. And instead of taking that out on her she is lashing out at you.. Walking away is not the answer. There is a root cause to her behavior.. Somehow you have to find it.. Counseling is good I think because for one you open up and talk but not everyone is open to it because they think they are admitting that they are messed up and cannot deal with life. Lets face it I am sure I could have used counseling when I was a child and my father just up and left (glad he did) but I am sure I have pit falls with dealing with that. I know for one until I met my husband now, I had never loved a man before, and it took me 29 years to figure out why.. Because every man that I had ever loved or cared about left.. My dad when I was 5, the man that raised me for 18 years who was with my mom, so I think for me I associated men with heart ache and leaving me.. So I would never let anyone in and would leave at the first sign of trouble.
My husband now is wonderful to me and my kids.. We just have issues with him and how he deals with them. We will somehow manage to get thru it.. Just going to take a blow up to get to where we need to be.. And I have not doen that yet.. We are suppose to go away this weekend maybe to Iowa so maybe I will talk to him..
GOod luck from someone in your shoes too..
So sorry
I'm sorry you are having to go through this as well. As far as the 21 year old having girls there... I would GO OFF!!!! That is total crap. It's YOUR house. I would have to (attempt to) put a stop to that. Your husband seems like mine... Like he doesnt want to meake his children mad at him. It sucks. Let me know how things are going. Family meetings work for us for about 2 weeks then its right back to the same thing. We have actually started counseling. Have you considered that??
Things are not great..
Let me tell you this week has been total hell.. My husband and I talked last night and he basically said that because his son has ADD the only thing he is going to talk to him about is not taking the medication. I am basically either to A. stand beside him and let his kids run me or B. say f*** it.. Which is not an option right now because I did not marry again to divorce.. I do not hate him either.. He said that he cannot make his kids respect me and that if I think my kids as they age are going to respect me and what I say everyday I am wrong. He said that if his son did anything stupid that would be the end of him (which I understand) because that would be awful. So I sit here confused and feeling sorry for myself because what I thought was the greatest thing ever is turning out to be a big disappointment. And this man is the first love of my life.. Long story on why at 31 I finally know what love is.. I guess I feel like he is turning his back on me and our marriage and saying take it or leave it. So I am very hurt. One good thing is this weekend my kids will be with there dad and I get to go and finally have my break down of tears that I have just absolutely been fighting.. I am all torn up right now.. Feelings of lonliness and rejection and plain I am second to his ex and children.. So I need a good cry so I can pick up the pieces and move on.. Thanks for all the support I appreciate it.. And I hope that for you and your situation it gets a lot better.. xoxo..
I'm feeling you...
That is exactly how I felt!! My husband would say "Thats just the way kids act. At least they aren't out doing really bad stuff!!" Oh ok. Their mother is a piece of crap and here I am taking care of them and they treat me like S*&%!!!! I STRONGLY recommend counseling to anyone. My husband finally told my SD that if she keeps treating me the way she has been and keeps trying to ruin what he has with me, then she can go live with her mother. I seriously doubt he would ever do that, but it was nice to hear him stick up for me. Just the little bit of counseling that we have had has really helped... I'm so sorry...
I actually just talked to him..
I am going to make this weekend all about me and myself.. Its about time I always make everything about everyone else.. I am a huge giver..
This is so horrible but I am actually looking forward to driving my kids to there dads and I finally get to be alone and get to cry.> I have been an emotional wreck all week and have not had any minutes to myself and just cannot wait to be alone so I can have a healthy cry.. That is healthy from what I have heard.. I need to wallow in my pitty a little and then I think I will be ok..
A good cry is good sometimes!
A good cry is good sometimes! On thing I try to do is let that cry be the release of the issue…I’ll say “if I’m going to let this get to me this much, then when I’m done wallowing, I’m done! I’m not going to keep crying over this”. It doesn’t always work but if you take that attitude with it then after you are done wallowing…you come out of it with a strategy of how you are gonna change you, since you are the only one you can control. If your situation is not going to improve (and it doesn’t look like it will) then you have to decide how you are going to alter the way you deal with the situation, the way you react, etc…Good Luck! I hope you feel much more empowered on Monday morning!
Make a GREAT Day!
Oh I am sure..
I am sure that I will find another way to deal with all this. Right now since I have not gotten to really be to emotional about any of this because everyone is around and work and stuff. i am pretty sure I will be ok when i am doen crying.. I hate the thought. But sometimes you just have too. This whole month has been horrile..
1st i think I am having heart issues and come to find out its just anxiety..
2nd my ss is causing issues
3rd my husband seems to be very unsupportive of me right now
4th I am trying to be to strong
5th trying to hard..
6th figured out I am really insecure
7th now i just need a moment in peace by myself..
I did figure out why this eats me so bad its beause I am a giver and yes I like to receive but I am eager to please type person. So I tend to always worry about everyone else then worry about myself once in awhile too.. And that I have insecurities because of my husbands behavior with things such as this whole situation.. So I am just there right now.. But I have made some progress lately.. So I am having a pitty party today for myself.. i need it and want it.. I think it will clear the air for me..
Here...
I am here if you need to vent a little... It is really hard to deal with and I couldn't decide if I wasnted to be fighting mad or crying depressed...
I definitely hear you!! I
I definitely hear you!! I think it sounds like you have some of the same issues with your SD some of the same issues developing with my SS. And to be frank, I have decided to push our entire family to move back to where most of my dad's family is to give me some much needed support.
My husband wants to relax & be the good guy--and yet still manages to think of himself as not contributing to any problems. The reality is that there is only so much you can do. Schedule some "you" time everyday...or better yet, define a space/zone where you are not to be disturbed if you retreat there. I do this every night after my daughter goes to bed. It gives me a couple of hours daily where I am disrespect-free, can relax & reflect on what might aid me in changing things for the better.
I feel for you though!!!