I love her but....
I posted b4 about the BM and the crazy stuff she has done, but what I left out was my SD. She is so out of control and only 9. I dont know what to do sometimes. I feel sorry for her because this all could be a product of her upbringing, but darn where do we say enough is enough. My DH works nights so he sleeps most days which means that I am the one to raise all the kids (we have 3 together 8-6-6 twins and SD is 9) so when SD comes over its up to me to deal with all the problems and boy let me tell ya she cant stand for me to get on too her. Everytime I do she starts to scream that she wants to go home cuz she misses her mommy. She has a problem sharing anything but doesnt mind using others things. She feels like she is so above all of us its not funny. She doesnt pick up her stuff when I tell her too. She just says that shes going home or she will bribe one of the other kids to do it for her. Her BM has taken her to docs since she was 5 and shes been on every medicine under the sun, then when she acts out at home BM says the meds arent working. Plus she just acts as if she is being forced to come and visit when she does come over. She calls her BF by his name and her BM husband is her "DADDY" her refers to her brother as the one who she lives with and her brother here and sisters here are just friends that she knows and gets stuff from when she can. I hate to say that I dont want her to come over anymore but my god how much are we supposed to take. DH doesnt really say much cuz of course shes an angel when hes up. I feel like im crazy or just the biggest witch in the world for feeling like I do. Im at a loss of how to handle this. Not to mention shes been yanked away from us so many times by her BM that we dont know (we= my kids and I) if we should get close to her again and have our hearts ripped out again. Its so hard to be in this kinda relationship. I feel like no one else knows what Im talking about.
I know how you feel.... My
I know how you feel....
My sd call me mom I have taken care of her while BM comes in and out of her life. When BM comes around I mean nothing. She doesnt even want to come home. However I'm the one who has to volunteer at school, take care of her, doctors, dentists, all the above. It just gets old and I cant stand it.
I know exactly how you feel.
I know exactly how you feel. My SD does the same thing...she calls her BM's husband "daddy", his son is her "brother", and the BM started having her call my boyfriend, the real BF "Daddy *his name*". The BM has done so many things to try and take my SD out of our life, from lying to the courts/police to just plain old not letting us take her when my boyfriend has visitation time. He lost her for 3 1/2 months last year. She is only 3 years old now but she already showing signs of being "brainwashed", shall we say, that her BF, his family, and I are not her "real" family and she doesn't have to come see us if she doesn't want to. My boyfriend and I plan on getting married and starting a family of our own in the not too distant future and I have the same worrys that you have stated: that when we have children, my SD's BM will brainwash her into thinking that my children won't be her "real" brothers/sisters and that she can treat them like crap when she visits us and that I'm not her "real mother" (not that I'd ever try to be) and that she doesn't have to listen to me, etc, etc, etc. The way the BM acts and the way she is a master manipulator of her daughter, I have also had the thought that maybe one day, it will be better for all if she doesn't come anymore. It becomes emotionally straining on everyone, I've already seen it start to happen. You're not the biggest witch in the world, you're just thinking about the emotional well-being of you, your children, and in essence your SD since I'm sure the mixed signals and going back-and-forth is straining on her as well. I earnestly believe how you feel is natural. Best of luck
Amaurea
My SDs BM did this exact thing you fear. She tells SD she only has to visit when she wants--that our BS in not her real brother "just half" and that we are not her real family, that she just visits her father at our home.
It is really sick. My H has started to disengage from SD. More than I have, I find myself mostly looking after her becuz my H just ignores her. They got on date night just the two of them on Wed. but he usually comes home to complain about it.
But it has turned out ok I guess. I am a bit bothered by his pull away from her, that he has given up. But I am happy that he can be happy with the family we have with our son (another due soon!!). We live our lives, SD has become just a visitor at this point. The good thing for me is that my H does not guilt parent. He is very hard on SD and expects the same from all children. So I know when he says at 18 SD is out, no money, no car, no extras that he means it. I got lucky there.
But you still don't get away from the child support or the anger that Skids cause. That is still around and probably will never go away.
Good luck to you
My theory on this
What you are describing is Parental Alienation Syndrome, PAS, emotional abuse by one parent, denigrating the other. Our BM has practiced this very well on SD17, but somehow BM and SD still want to have DH chasing around after his child and begging her to love him and of course, give her gifts and trips. I feel, that since they say DH is so horrible, why would they want him to call and visit, accept gifts from him, why would BM willingly send SD on long vacations with us, etc. Our SD is running completely wild, fistfighting at school, and of course 'this is all DH's fault', and so somehow is the fact that SD is flunking high school. They have been divorced 13 years and h. moved away 10 years ago from BM's police and job and family harassment.
So what I am thinking is, ok, the BM wants to teach the kid to hate her dad and keep SD from him, then BM is completely responsible for the way skid turns out. Bm wants DH out of their lives, so he is, and so are any extras he would provide. Now SD is wild and BM is looking to blame DH, we are saying, you wouldn't let us do anything so this is what you get. SD could barely even read at age 11 until I, the evil stepmom, intervened!! Of course SD is the one who is hurt by this the most, but she also refuses to even listen to DH at all, thanks to her mom.
So ok BM, this is what you wanted, aren't you happy? Does anything ever make you happy??!!!
So your feelings are normal, but don't forget your own family with DH, you and him, and your kids. You have a responsibility to THEM too, and heck even yourself, to live a good life, and if SD wants to be this way, with her moms approval, maybe she should stay away. Because that is what her mom is forcing you all to do!! is spite of the fact that, of course every kid needs their OWN parent unless there is some addiction etc. problem.
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
My broken record/recommendation
Is to do some reading. I'll email you some suggestions so I don't sound like a broken record!
Because I don't know what they've medicated SD for, but if say it's for ADD/ADHD, but really SD is suffering from bipolar/borderline emerging (she is at the same age my SD started showing similar symptoms to what you describe. Like you I had no idea what was going on, but I did know SOMETHING was going on. And it took us several more years (and a few counselors/psychologists and the switch to FC) to begin to grasp it.
Good luck!