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Legal responsibility of runaways??

step23boys's picture

Hi All,

My 15yo SS has started running away and staying at friends' houses whenever he feels like it. (Doesn't tell us where he is, he's gone for days at a time, has told us - through his brother - he's never coming back, but he eventually shows up.) This started after my DH started to crack down on SS breaking curfew, ditching school, and smoking/getting high. SS has not been to school in weeks, regardless of whether he's decided to come home or not. DH has started having grandma come over and pick up the boys for school, but SS just takes off after she drops him off.

We've met with the vice principal about the attendence issue, but nothing has changed. We've also met with counselors and other school staff, who have all told us to call the police. DH refuses to go to the police, says he doesn't trust them. (Yes, I know, it's ridiculous.) My question is, if DH does report SS as a runaway to police, does that keep him from paying fines/going to jail over his son's habitual truancy? The vp said that DH could definitely go to jail if SS keeps missing school. What are the legal obligations of a parent of a runaway? If we can't find him to get him to school, will my husband still be responsible?

Needless to say, DH is just making things worse by not reporting him (and don't even get me started on the lackadaisical parenting) but I'm just wondering what the legal differences are between reporting him a runaway and just not doing anything.

I myself have been trying to disengage through all this, but I don't know if that's even enough nowadays. I'm thinking I might have to extricate myself completely from the situation. DH is obviously way over his head, and I'm looking for information for him, but I am not going to be the one dealing with the problem. If he chooses not to take the advice, that's on him. That being said, has anyone had to deal with a habitual runaway/habitual truant before? If so, what legal ramifications were there? How did you handle the situation? Any advice is greatly appreciated!

Halo_Horns's picture

Go to the source: Call the local police office and tell them the story. Omit names, but tell them that you are trying to get the most information to relay to your husband.

ctnmom's picture

Where I live you most definatley DO go to jail for your childs truancy. The local juvie hall will take your child as well overnight, to "scare them straight". Your DH has to get his head out of the sand and handle his business.

step23boys's picture

So DH FINALLY called the police and reported him as a runaway. The sad thing is that this is just a bandaid. He won't be held responsible for SS truancy, but I doubt if this will stop the running away.

Any suggestions for boundaries to set with SS if he runs away again? We've already taken away computer, video games, phone, bedroom door, etc. He also doesn't have his keys to the house anymore so he can't show up while we're at work and hang out with friends doing God-knows-what. (Been there, done that.) We've also tried the loving approach of telling him how much we are happy when he is home safe, spending quality time with him, etc. Nothing is getting through to this kid, and the officer who took the report basically just told us to keep reporting him each time he runs away. The psychologist at the school is willing to work with him, but since he hasn't been showing up, that's been impossible. And since he's gone half the time, we don't know if he'd be around if we set up appointments for outside counseling. (BTW, DH and I are in counseling for the two of us.)

Will the law/courts eventually step in, or will this pattern continue indefinitely (or until he's arrested for something)? Of course, I know DH could be more proactive in all this, I'm just curious to know what will happen if he just simply waits for his son to come home each time.

Also, does anyone have suggestions for boundaries I can set myself? This is causing a lot of frustration between DH and I (natch) since I hate the idea of just sitting around and I'm tired of the "wait and see what happens" approach. I don't know if I'm quite ready to leave altogether, but what's the best way to protect myself from the insanity of this situation? Should I just say I'm not going to be a part of SS's life while this cycle keeps repeating itself? I've already tried to disengage and I do no cooking, cleaning up after, or transporting the skids at all. But it still feels like I'm being dragged into this cycle because DH gets upset and is angry (yet does nothing!), which sets a bad mood for the household and our life is not exactly peachy since we're basically just waiting around for SS to f*** up again.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Thanks!

JayS's picture

I was a runaway at 14. At 15, I had a change of heart and begged my mother to let me come home. She hung up the phone. The law states that parents are responsible for their children until age 18. However, I learned differently. I was arrested at 15 for drug possession. The police brought me home, as is law. My mother refused to allow me into the house. The cops were literally begging her, and reminding her that it was law anyhow. In her defense, I was living hell and bent on destruction. As it went, the police drove me off her property and dropped me uptown, and told me to try to find a place to stay. I even called children's services, and they told me that I was approaching an age where they couldn't offer me much help, and to find a friend. There are grey areas within the system without a doubt. I grew up in a damn hurry over that ordeal. I would really just explain the situation as best you can to the school. If they have deeper concerns, they're obligated to report them. You will never go to court for abandonment or anything like that, I can guarantee it.

xexxen's picture

Not sure where you are but where I live a parent who files an official runaway report with the local authorities and cooperates with them and school officials is typically not held liable for the actions I the child. Best of luck to you.

Love51's picture

My SS15 has run away twice in the last year from his BM's. He does this when she doesnt do what he wants. The police said the next time he runs away he will be arrested and SS says he doesnt care. So now the entire family walks on eggshells around him to make sure he doesnt run away again. I think juvie would do him some good. At least he would learn there are consequences to his actions.
Document everything so if it comes up you can show what he has been doing and how you and your DH have been following up. You have to make a paper trail to protect yourselves now.
I understand the stress it puts on you. Im still trying to manage that too. Your situation sounds worse than mine. I just feel like my relationship is on hold while SS gets his act together. That doesnt feel good.
There are special schools out there, maybe look into those. Some are more strict and on lock down for problem kids. I even remember when I was in high school my friend's parens sent him away to a special school where they took the kids out into the wilderness and I guess broke them down and built them back up. It wasnt quite military school (another option) but it was a similar concept. It saved my friend's life, he came out of it totally self sufficient and responsible.
A psychologist is a start, may even get a conduct disorder diagnosis but if your SS isnt willing to go, nothing will change.
Make sure to take care of yourself, utilize your support system and have a life outside of these problems. Its the only thing that saves me.