Carolyn Hax: When the children are adults, stepmom is a title that has to be earned
Dear Carolyn,
I am the stepmother to two young adults, a 26-year-old boy and a 30-year-old girl. They are both married without children and their mother is deceased. I have five kids of my own, all over 35.
Every year my children come up for at least one holiday with their spouses and families. My stepchildren have not visited for the holidays in the four years my husband and I have been married. When they visit, they are polite but aloof.
I really want to be a good stepmother to both of them; however, they don’t seem to have any interest in being parented by anyone. My husband is depressed that his children don’t care to be a part of our blended family. He had problems with both kids in the past but he figured they would grow out of their dislike for him.
I confronted his daughter, and she said although she is willing to forge friendships with my kids and me, she’s not terribly interested in having new siblings or a parent/child relationship with me.
What does this leave me as? Step-friend? Step-acquaintance? As the now matriarch of this family, how do I bring them all together?
Step-Parent or Step-Friend?
How interested were you in being [kaff] “parented” when you were 26?
You are neither their step-parent nor step-friend — but if you step back and respect them as the adults they are, you might swing “friend” someday. The daughter spelled it out pretty clearly.
And she left you something you can work with, since “friend” is a lot better than “person whose threshold I refuse to cross.” Right? She doesn’t have to be “a part of our blended family” to visit — she just visits, and the same with the son.
Your husband needs to invite his kids himself, starting with non-holidays, and nurturing new bonds gradually and respectfully from there. This marriage made you a spouse, but only time, trust and years of respect can anoint a matriarch.
LOL exactly! If my mother's
LOL exactly! If my mother's husband of 25 years started calling himself the patriarch of my family, even my mother would laugh.
My mom is the unequivocal
But, never test her. She will go all matriarchal in your ass!!!!! }:)
I do say Stepmom, but only
I do say Stepmom, but only because I want people to understand I did not create these kids and am not taking credit.
As for the Stepmom, awfully presumptuous to believe she has to be their Stepmom at that age. They are grownup, whatever relationship they have is just for the dad and even then, just has to be cordial.
I've been with my husband
I've been with my husband since SD was 5, and I still don't think of myself as her stepmom. She has a mom. Had she been an adult when we got together, well, that would've been really weird to consider myself her stepmom (whether her BM was dead or alive).
This lady needs to relax!
When the children are adults,
When the children are adults, step"kids" is a title that has to be earned.
I'm cool with the adult skids and even the 1 minor (age 15) skid only considering me "just my dad's wife".
Because they are "just my husband's kids" to me.
Family means too much to me, to just give that title to anyone.
I agree with you. Heck, even
I agree with you. Heck, even my DD who is an adult no longer wants to be parented by me - Thank Goodness I did my job right.
As for this woman being the matriarch, Yep, she is in her home and family. But, that doesn't mean the adult steps have to abide by it or her rule.
That being said, they do, IMHO, owe her the benefit of being friendly, trying to become friends or at least friendly towards her. After all, their father chose her as his wife and thus she should be allocated that position and their respect.
I can also see why these adults do not feel the need for more siblings etc., but then again, what I said above still holds. They are an extended family when dealing with the OP and her husband. They don't have to see the "siblings" outside of that unless they become friends with them, and that has happened.
LOL Matriarch? Good effing
LOL Matriarch? Good effing grief. Someone is very full of herself.
I can't imagine why on earth she is so bound and derermined to define herself as something relating to someone else's adult kids. Weird.
This leaves "Dad's Wife". It
This leaves "Dad's Wife". It is accurate. How the relationship progresses is up to both "Dad's Wife" and DH's children. It can go well, or not, depending on how all parties integrate and make an effort.