is this wrong of me?
my bf works out of town all week and comes home on the weekends. i see him from about 5pm friday to 4pm sunday. his visitation schedule with sd5 is every other weekend. is it wrong if we want to go out at night on his weekends with sd...say, to a movie or something, and leave sd with my bf's grandma and have her put sd to bed? i'm talking about leaving at 8pm or later, when sd is winding down for bed anyway.
i can see bm throwing it in my bf's face if she knew he and i go out on dates like this on his weekends but i don't really see it as being selfish since i only get 8 days to spend with my man per month, and i don't feel i should have to give up half of those because he has a daughter visiting. i know sd sees him even less than i do, but i'm not asking for him to spend the entire day with me and forget about her, i only want a few hours of us time alone with him. they're precious few these days, and i just hate feeling guilty for it because he and i both try our best to make sd's days with us as fun as possible and to have as much bonding as possible, and i don't see the problem with us wanting to go out and enjoy each other's grown up company as well.
am i way off the mark here? is it innapropriate to take his attention away from her for even a few hours?
we live with my bf's grandma
we live with my bf's grandma and sd plays with all of us during the days she is with us. she bounces from playing operation with daddy and me to taking a walk down our road with grandma, stuff like that. there's always a lot to occupy her. when we have our own place, sd will have a bedroom of her own, but right now she sleeps with bf's grandma when she stays with us. so if we were to go out his grandma would probably give her a bath and read to her or let her watch tv until she falls asleep, which one of the three of us will usually do when bf and i are home. we would spend the day as usual and then after dinner or around bathtime, step out and let grandma take it from there. is that bad?
Ultimatley ladies...these
Ultimatley ladies...these are the children of the men we are with. This has to be up to them. If they can not learn to balance a relationship with their children, then they should not be in a relationship. They can't expect GF to take the back seat to everything. I understand those are his children, they are #1. But people fail to realize that children grow up and obtain lives of their own. Before these men realize it, they are all alone because no sane woman wants to put up being in the back seat. I felt like that a few times with my husband and I made it VERY clear that he can still be a very loving and suporting father to his chilren and can still be a very loving and supportive husband. I told him I would NEVER make him chose between me and his chilren..I would just walk..his children do come first. But parents need lives outside their children and children need to understand that as early on as possible. But all us woman were separate individuals before we met these men and their children and we need to have that indivduality all the same now. We do have the right to demand respect and consideration and we do have the right to demand time away from our spouses and their children as well. I guess the only thing that has ever worked for me and my husband is my ability to be VERY up front and brutally honest. He knows exactly where I stand at all times, what I will and will not put up with and when or if I walk..it's for good. So, say whats on your mind, be upfront and tell him what you want and expect...if he can't deliver or even meet you half way...then truly..he's not worth it.
Purpleflower
Jeez, I had to run through
Jeez, I had to run through my mind to see if I wrote this under an assumed name...lol.
purpleflower - you rock!
purpleflower - you rock! amen sister!
Does SD live a long way from
Does SD live a long way from you? Does your BF really have to do this type of work? I know from personal experience that living in the same town as the BM that it is not good if they just so happen to be a byatch and like to cause drama,if its a large town,not so bad. Maybe you should both assess your relationship,wouldnt he rather come home for a nice warm meal,or cook you one himself every night?
My Mother in Law tells dh
My Mother in Law tells dh and I that we have our only lives regardless if the skids are with dh or not.
Your dh doesnt need to run his life around bm or the skids.. So if you want to go to the movies and your sd'd grandma is happy to look after sd, then go for it.
Just make sure that you do spent some time with sd..
You can go out when your dh has sd... God i will kil my dh if the skids stopped us from doing some think
What you are doing is
What you are doing is alright. You really aren't taking any time away from the two of them. A 5 year old doesn't need to be out at night you two need to keep the candle burning. You guys aren't doing a thing wrong.
I dont see a problem with
I dont see a problem with this, but maybe you can put her to sleep and than leave. B/c than grandma isnt really watching her, she's just there if she wakes up and needs something. We have SS's EOW and Thursdays but we do devote those wkds to the boys and dont have a babysitter come watch them since we do have a free wkd. Its not that we dont have our own time in that wkd, but we do things in our home, like rent a movie while they are sleeping. But thats also our choice.
If your SD is going to be
If your SD is going to be asleep by the time you guys are going out any way, i dont see why there would be a problem... its not like your bf and sd are bonding while she is sleeping. i would say just make sure that a lot of father daughter things get done during the day.
thanks a lot, you guys have
thanks a lot, you guys have made me feel better about this. bm is just so set on making my bf look like the bad dad and i'm sure she would try to use it against him somehow. but i don't care because it's not like I get to see him all the time either. i chose to take birth control because i'm not ready to be tied down with children as of yet in my life so do i really have to give that up because i fell in love with a man with kids? i allow all the bonding they can fit in to their two weekends a month, but the girl has to sleep sometime! and it's not wrong for that time to be mine, even if we aren't physically with sd the whole time he has her.
to answer your question, dadpets, yes bm and my sd live an hour away from our town (i think i'd kill myself if bm lived in the same town), and my bf works in another state. he does have to do this type of work because it pays well and we can't even make it on our own with the income we have, clearly since we live with his grandma, so we couldn't accept less money coming in. he works in construction and they have to travel to where the work is. he stays in hotels close to his job all week and comes home on the weekends.
it's a crappy situation and none of us enjoy it, least of all me, but if we're ever going to have our own life together we have to deal with it. he would absolutely love to come home every night to a meal i've cooked and to lie in bed with me rather than in a hotel bed alone, and i can think of nothing that would make me happier, but the job market is bad and we have to sacrifice. but because bm knows his work takes him away like this, she's starting to make a big deal of wanting to have sd back ANY time my bf isn't physically with her, and i don't think this is right.
However bm wants to make him
However bm wants to make him look, if there is a court ordered agreement saying that he has her those days... there is absolutely nothing she can do about what happens when the kid is at your house. even if your bf chose to leave your stepchild with the grandparents all weekend (which of course he wouldnt), there would be nothing she could do about it. it is his child just as much as hers and what he choses to do when HIS child is with him is totally out of her control and vice versa . that is why she is mad and making all this noise about it. unless she goes to court to get the custody agreement changed (which i doubt she will) all that she can do is whine about it. just ignore the her.
so it's NOT true that any
so it's NOT true that any time my bf isn't with sd during his visits bm can take her back? there has been SO much bullshit with this woman.
she even sent her dad, my bf's ex fil, to pick sd up a day early once because my bf's sister was mad at him and called bm and made up a lie about my bf drinking and driving with sd in the car which he absolutely WAS NOT. my bf just let him take her. i'm standing there in disbelief like WHAT?
she tries to tell my bf that sd is not allowed sleeping at his mother's house at all because my bf's dad told bm a bunch of lies about bf's mom's boyfriend when his mom and dad were divorcing.
she tells him where he is and is not to have sd even though part of the reason bm and my bf divorced was the shady places bm would take sd. but my bf adheres to these demands!! he's so used to kissing her ass before a co was in place just to be able to SEE his daughter, that it's habit now and he feels like if he doesn't keep bm happy she will somehow keep him from seeing her. which she has done.
Bm cant just take sd bad
Bm cant just take sd bad during the bf's time. this is why you have a court order.
You have to enforce . dad's house dad rules, mum's house mums rules.
Bm cant tell you what to do, remeber bm is the ex..
You guys need to stand up to her and set bourndies, Its hard to start with but it works in the end..
My dh went two years without speaking to bm, having zero contact.
Bm now has contact but only if its important. We may only hear from her once a month if that..
Your bf needs to stand up to bm..