You are here

Do those who are not decent, deserve decency from the truly decent?

Rags's picture

A preponderance of effort in SParent life seems to revolve around being decent to those who aren't.

IMHO, decency is not intermitent. Someone either is, or they are not. Even if they are occassionally decent, they do not deserve decency without a commited demonstration of decency all of the time.

Yes, people get angry, or hurt, or, or, or, or, or.  But, are the fundimentally decent?

That is the question.

If not, why do we torture outselves being decent to ... the indecent?

Be decent, or be gone.  For adults anyway.

For kids, be decent, or be miserable because.  In an age appropriate application anyway.

Just my thoughts of course.

MorningMia's picture

A preponderance of effort in SParent life seems to revolve around being decent to those who aren't.

If that isn't the truth! I have always said that indecent people count on the decency of others to keep doing what they do. If I had it all to do over again, I would have been a real bitch. . . probably a real single bitch, but what the hell. lol. 

tryingjusttrying's picture

I've been thinking about your question. When I was a teen, I became angry as a result of the abuse I got from my dad who was a malignant narcissist. I wished that my mom could have understood why I was angry and helped me deal with it instead of rejecting me which is what she did. She never forgave me. I think I have this in the back of my mind when I struggle with what to do with my SS. I know that he has baggage from the way his mom is, and his dad isn't perfect either. There's a part of me who wants to help SS in the way that I wish a grown up had helped me as a teen.

The difference is that he has two bio parents, and I cannot care more than them (as I've learned here). The pattern in my life has been that if I feel that someone is coming from a place of hurt, they're allowed to hurt me (I know that sounds messed up). In a way, I've continued that with SS. I feel sorry for him, so I allow him to act mean and angry because I understand it's coming from hurt. But I'm done with that. I don't fight with SS, retaliate against him, or seek to harm him in any way. But I don't feel guilty anymore about not doing more to get SS to "like" me (as dh would like me to do).

My religious belief also says that everyone was created by God, and therefore are all fundamentally good deep down inside. I've learned though that doesn't mean I'm necessarilty the conduit to help everyone realize that. Everyone is responsible to themselves first and foremost for keeping the light on inisde. Next is my child who I had a huge hand in shaping. Then there are those I cannot change. I'm learning not to dminish myself for those who do not care nor are benefited by my sacrifices.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

With the exception of tossing that dishwater on BioHo, I do my damndest to be a good person because that's what I want to be. It's a choice to not lower myself.

Rags's picture

Thanks for playing everyone.   I appreciate 

My thoughts are that the indecent are not to be tortured, however, they should be made to face the facts of their choice to be indecent.

Decency is demonstrated, not universal.  IMHO. People who demonstrate consistent indecency, are indecent until they prove otherwise.  They show me they are indecent, I believe them.

It is a KISS thing for me.

MorningMia's picture

 People who demonstrate consistent indecency, are indecent until they prove otherwise.  They show me they are indecent, I believe them.

You're right. And nobody is perfect. People sometimes behave poorly or make bad mistakes. AND I've said that people who are continuously indecent or who consistently behave badly show that they have a character flaw. I recognized many years ago that BM has a serious character flaw; I've come to recognize that the skids, too, have crap characters. It's who they are. I no longer expect decent behavior from any of them.  

Harry's picture

They worry if SK, have friends, don't do anything, don't go out. Ect.  I understand one doesn't want a SK not leaving the home leaving you to entertain said kid.
  But the majority of the SP blame the kid where the blame is on the BF and BM.  You love the BF, your SO. He does no wrong. So the kids get blame.  
'The parents allowed this behavior to happen. Because they don't want to PARENT.  We get the end result.  
Looking at it these people really didn't know how to be married too.  Some one of them taking the easy road out.  If you know your SO is unreasonable, why would you think they will magically be reasonable with the CO. 
'The other interesting thing is the SP worried more then the Bp.   How do you move hours, from your kid, where it's a 12 hour drive or airplane ride. And expect to parent. ?  
You see them a few days at Christmas, February break, Easter , and summer time.  That's not parenting.  The other parent has the kid 365 - 7 day Christmas 5 days February 5 day Easter 30 summer. 47 days a year.  - 365.  318 days.  So the mother deals with her kid in sickness. School, sports, with out the fathers help.

But the father then complaines he doesn't see the kid.   
I dont see these parents hopping on a plane once a month and spend a weekend with the kid . Must have a excuse.  
'I just feel if you make a kid you.  Have a responsibility to that kid to parent him. Not play games. Not just want 7 days at Christmas to not do anything.  Parenting is hard. But all we do is play for 7 days.  

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

@Rags, one of my adult skids and his partner can't even give me eye contact any more. They literally ignore me because they: 

A. Are not getting what they feel entitled to

B. See me as an object 

C. Are genuinely hurt and horrible people - indecent to the core with no shame for behavior. 

Now that they are adults making adult decisions and behaving indecently I largely distance myself, ONLY show up if totally obligated to do so and don't ask questions/don't engage in dialogue/quite literally I don't do anythign while I am there except exist. I think there will come a time where I don't even have to show up anymore to another one of their "events" it's been the SKID show for the past 4 years. I don't ask about them, I am not curious about how they are doing. I just hit a point and realized they are not nice good people and not the least bit decent so...I don't care any longer. 

Rags's picture

I am sorry that this is the case for you.

Why is it that Skids nearly always seem to be the indecent when it comes to kids, and BKs do not?  I get that we are a SParent community so it is always the Skids who are indecent.  There are not a lot of BKs in our community. Though the ones we do have, seem to be more decent than not.

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

I truly believe that many SKIDs have been programmed to be selfish, transactional and always think "what am I getting out of this?" It comes from guilty parenting, indulgence and possibly some neglect in their past - all things that have nothing to do with the stepparent. They view scarcity in resources and want to "get" what they can - at all costs. Stepparent typically comes in blind and is about building a loving relationship with SKID unknowning that the SKID is not coming in with those same intentions. Thus, the stepparent gets to a POINT where they realize this SKID only cares for themselves and does not care for the stepparent. Subsequently the stepparent gives up. This doesn't sum up every single stepfamily situation but I would gauge that its 80% of the time. 

Rags's picture

behaviors. The why of their toxicity is beyond solution.  They are what they are.  If they keep their crap internally and do not perpetrate toxicity towards others, fine.

If they do perpetrate toxicity towards others, rub their nose in the facts of the stench of their chosen behaviors, make their behavioral choices so painful that they will avoid repeating them at all costs.

Though they are far more likely than not beyond salvage, their pollution of the lives of others has to be destroyed and if that means destroying someone already assimilated into the toxic toilet bowl vortex of toxic manipulations, so be it.

Hopefully, the toxically behaved kid victims will recognize the advantage to abandoning toxicity and embracing decency. Or at least how decency has a decided absence of the misery that they live when they choose toxic.

KISS

Keeping a clear line on what they will do, or suffer. Their choice.  The key is keeping the suffering on them and not allowing them to make anyone else suffer.

The Sparent, their mate, their marriage, their home, and their family have to be defended from toxicity. By doing that, all of that , is also a sanctuary for a kid choosing toxicity, when that kid makes better choices.

Exporting the misery to the source parent in the opposition, is also critical.  In any way possible within the bounds of the law.  Bring the pain legally, financially, socially, emotionally. Whatever it takes to make toxicity something so painful that they will avoid it at any cost.

IMHO of course.

tryingjusttrying's picture

I can't or won't take as hard line an approach to consequences as you, Rags, but I agree with your sentiment that allowing toxicity to prloliferate doesn't make the world better, only worse. For me, that means that I want to maintain my sanity and health for the sake of myself, BS, dh, family, and friends. If I can stay positive, that's one more positive person in the world, and one less toxic person. But sometimes that has meant taking turns that feel dark because I typically want to give people the benefit of the doubt, be as generous as possible, and try to be as open and authentic as possible with people. But if I naively gave SS full trust, he would probably take advantage of it and would certainly not appreciate it. So I find myself judging, withholding and sometimes not being forthright. I'm trying to navigate this ambiguous space where what is right or wrong can depend on context. I hope by the end of it, I can still call myself a decent person.

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

A decent person has boundaries - follow your instinct. My SKIDs are now adults and different varying degrees of arm's length approach is necessary. They take, take and take. One is a little better and the other gets worse each year. I was very decent through their growing up but that did not mean they became decent. Now I take a hands off approach and limit my interaction to necessary and that is all. I am no longer curious about their lives and I don't ask DH questions - I will sometimes chime in an opinion or two when they act horrendous but that's about it. 

Rags's picture

You are decent. You will always be decent.

I consider myself decent, though I set boundaries, enforced them, and eleminated every conduit of toxicity that I could when the SpermClan crawled out from under their rock to make another toxic run at our son.

My DW was the one to give them the benefit of the doubt.  When we chased them back under their rock and they stayed their for a while, she would take her foot off of their thoats proclaiming that they had learned and she could be less firm with them. Nearly mmediately they would go toxic to the point they had been before, and beyond.

It took a few of the 1 to 2 yearcycle of them cycling between quiet due to the last application of pain response to toxic, and then taking a mile when DW would give them another chance.  Finally she learned and after that, it was full pain all of the time if they so much as twitched.

My wife is beyond decent.  They, are not decent at all. They weren't for the 16+ years we lived under the CO and have not been with SS-31 in the nearly 14 years since he aged out from under the CO at 18.

The only place for them is in their genetic cesspool splashing around together. They have no place with access to the decent.  Unfortuantetly their choices have likely imacted our son for life.  No kid escapes unscathed when cursed with a toxic shallow and polluted end to their gene pool

 

ESMOD's picture

I'm not going to let an ugly person make me into an ugly person.  I'm a decent person... and being a decent person, will be as civil as possible.. not participate in drama etc..

BUT.. being a decent person is not the same thing as being an apologist, a doormat or a sucker.  Decent people are allowed to set boundaries to the extent they will spend time or not with toxic people.  They don't have to financially support people that are not decent to them etc.. 

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

100% agree with this statement. This is exactly where I am at. I don't participate in the drama- I shut it down by ignoring it. There's been recent efforts to draw me into arguments and to blame me for anything under the sun - I don't even engage any longer. I continue to widdle down what little relationship we have so that each year the "arguments" are so loosely connected in my reality that it leaves my DH scratching his head when they complain and cry about me. What exactly could stepmom have done to make you cry at this point? She doesn't even speak to you. I limit my interaction with these toxic people and I do not financially support adult SKIDs. I have on occassion been generous only to have my hand slapped.