Here's what I think. I think you have to dump the stuff that doesn't directly affect you. Venting here is sooooo helpful, because you can dump it on us and then it's not weighing YOU down anymore! And I've found that saying it here means it's not flying out of my mouth at, say, DH or BM or the skids.

She sucks, yes, but is there anything you can do about HER? Nope. So you have to focus on SS. Or rather, your DH has to focus on SS. SS needs to understand that it's not necessarily about right or wrong, but about things being different at your home. You don't have to tell him his mother is a load, but you can express to him that in YOUR family, you work to get the things you need and want, rather than rely upon the kindess of others. You can explain the difference between being a giver and a taker. You can talk to him about working hard to achieve success because IT FEELS GOOD, because it feels better to work for something than to just get it. Just leave BM's name out of it.

My BS is 10. He's too young to know how to balance a checkbook, obviously, but he's not too young to be told where our money goes. Without going into a lot of detail that you probably don't want BM to know, you can show SS where the money goes. Show him the utility bills. Show him the mortgage statement. Give it to him in terms he can understand... we told our son that our house payment costs as much as 460 packs of the Pokemon cards he collects. Express it in terms he can relate to. We told the skids one time when they were bitching about not having anything "fun" to do at our house that our family of four was living on less per month than we pay their mother in CS for just the two of them. We talked to them about the cost of feeding them and the cost of gas to travel the several hours to their house to pick them up, that we could feed our family a week on what it cost in gas to get them one time. It was a real eye-opener for them. (Especially after they stopped believing in Santa and figured out it was US buying Christmas presents for five kids.) Then they understood why we couldn't afford two weeks at a hotel for vacation. Your SS is old enough to be explained some cold, hard facts. We never told the skids that BM sucks up all our money, but we did tell them the facts about how much it costs us to support THEM vs. how much we have left over to support all of US.

I don't know what you do for discipline, but if your SS is not being respectful of you, it's probably because it's not being enforced by his dad. I would just let him know that he doesn't have to like you, but he does have to respect you as a parent in the home. He doesn't have to like your son, but he does have to follow the rules of good behavior. You just be matter-of-fact and not let him get your goat. Fake it if you have to. But get Dad to nip this kind of behavior in the bud. You should be Dad's back-up, not his Enforcer. He'll take it better coming from Dad.

I also think a little manipulation isn't necessarily a bad thing, if it brings about a good result. It probably wouldn't hurt to stage a little scenario the next time he misbehaves. Maybe Dad can give him a punishment that's a little too harsh and you can take SS aside and tell him that if he promises to do better, you'll talk to Dad and see if you can get his punishment lessened. It's a little trick we used once in a similar situation and it worked. It might give him an opportunity to see you as something opposite what he thinks of you.

♥ Georgia ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)