The dread...
Oh god. My inlaws are coming my inlaws are coming my inlaws are coming.....
Is it normal that it bothers me so much that my DH can't remember or have the consideration to tell me when and for how long his parents are coming to stay in 2 weeks?
OR that he never bothered to check his kid's school calendar and only when I just now looked it up online to see what my week of August 1-5 looks like- I work from home so having a full house affects me directly- I had to inform HIM that Sd9 (here 50/50) will not be in school that whole week- Because she doesn't start school until August 7! He said, "oh, she always starts on august 1st." Nope, she doesn't.
Am I overreacting to be annoyed that DH just suggested his parents spend their time here "dropping off the babies (our two kids, age almost 3 and 18 months old) at daycare" so my MIL and FIL can spend their days entertaining SD alone, without the interruption of their other two grandkids?
I should maybe clarify that my MIL is a real piece of work- she aspires to a mix of Real Housewife of Long Island and Disney Princess, but actually behaves basically like a perpetual high schooler. She has no respect for me or my things, and nothing I do lives up to her absurd standards for acceptable daughter-in-law. (In truth I have about 15 more years of education than her and am financially independent and actually really have my act together and love her son etc). I hate how she tries to "parent" my kids when she's here, feeding them constant sugar then informing me of all the ways she's actually improved on addressing their every need or bad habit... Then expects me to thank her profusely and sing her praises to the end of the earth. But we never ask her to care for them or expect her to babysit. I don't really want my inlaws watching them here at home while I work, especially when we pay expensive daycare either way.
On the other hand, she lives across the country and sees them only 2x per year at most. And they all adore her. She is a fun grandma. Nice that DH always manage to make it seem known that they're basically just here to see SD though.
I think I'm also just super annoyed with DH right now. He shrunk 4 of my favorite pieces of clothing in the wash, because he's too lazy and stubborn to look at tags, or wait for me to finish my laundry before he pulls it out to start his own. And, he still wants our son and daughter to share the smaller of the kids bedrooms in the house, even though sd sleeps here 15 says per month in the bigger and nicer kid room. Because, princess... Sometimes seems like he wants SD to grow up to be just like his Mom! Barf emoji....
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Yes thanks I think this
Yes thanks I think this logically does make sense- dd3 should move into sd's room and they can share that bigger (very girly room). It has not happened yet bc DH literally throws a wrench in whatever I suggest that involves sd being made to share or suggests her moving.
The house has 4 bedrooms-main floor master. Basement bedroom suite - 2 bedrooms upstairs with a jack and Jill bathroom between them. one is sd's (the bigger) and one is currently dd3's. Our son, 18 mos, was to move into the little room with DD originally -DH's preference- because "they're so close in age" and there's another crib in that room now but it hasn't worked . They wake each other up all night, either crying (nightmares etc) or laughing in the morning. Our son is sleeping in a large walk-in closet in our master bedroom currently in a portable crib.
We have a loft upstairs that I'm in the process of working to have made into another bedroom. Then DS can move into it, and no one moves or shares. This room wouldn't have direct access to a bathroom on that floor though because of the jack and Jill being internal...
My husband kind of hates this plan because it means (construction and expense) and moving the toys from the loft out into the kids' rooms (mostly sd's toys, she has tons) and he's now worried about how it could appear for resale reasons, I've been trying to come up with every possible solution now for a year. My husband hasn't helped with a single idea or helpful suggestions besides, the "little ones can share" or "dd can temporarily move into sd's room but then she has to move back and share with her brother, because sd won't like being in a room with a little kid for long." He doesn't want to ask sd to move to the basement because she is 9. I've even looked at moving, or having an addition built - both super costly and we really love this house/location. It feels like DH's need to keep sd on a pedestal are making it so hard to come to a compromise.
I know a lot of times the
I know a lot of times the advice on here can be easier said than actually done, but...
I wonder how lazy/unmotivated your husband is? If I were you, I would change the rooms while DH was at work. Start the minute he leaves. If you think SD and DD should be sharing a room, make it happen. If you think SD should have the smaller room and the younger kids share the bigger room, make it happen.
My DH is WAY to lazy to come home and change everything back around. It would probably be a fight when he found out, but so what.
You really need to stand up for the two younger kids. You DH does NOT have their best interest in mind.
You're right. He's so lazy.
You're right. He's so lazy. I'll have to do it myself. I kind of already knew this. Every attempt to fix this has been mine. I set up the nursery once then again, had contractors out, had an architect out, spoke with realtors, asked friends, read about room-sharing, rearranged furniture. DH has done Nothing, not a thing, to help solve this.
It does mean totally changing the rooms, but yeah I think this is how it'll get done. Either that or I hire the contractors to start changing the playroom into a bedroom ASAP without informing him. He comes home to find a new bedroom built.
Aside from the issue that
Aside from the issue that SD's things that she can't defend every day since she's not always here- I worry about how to keep DD's hands off SD's stuff if she's in the same room but I'm sure she can learn- SD is the kind of kid who would probably love to share the room. She hates to be alone. I think DH is scared for her to go back to mom's and say "Stepmom made me share a room with my sister" or something. Like it's so awful.
The Jack/Jill is way deep inside the other two bedrooms, and unfortunately not accessible via hallway, even with a construction project. Turning the loft/playroom into a bedroom is less than perfect, but should be cheap- we could always market the room as an office eventually I think... anyway still way cheaper than moving!
I was walking around SD's room just now, and realizing that while huge, it's not an easy room to configure for more than one bed currently- there is a queen bed in there now. No room for a twin with it because one wall is entirely a window seat and the other walls are broken up by doorways. Two twins or a bunk bed set would work. Two cribs would easily work. Gonna take some more furniture than what we currently have. Maybe we just have to try the little ones in the shared room again and let them get used to the crying.
I just wish DH were on board with any of my ideas- basically I'm just doing this alone by trial and error with no support from him.
I moved to a basement bedroom
I moved to a basement bedroom when I was 9 or 10. My parents and sister were on the main floor. I was a little bit scared at first, but learned to love it. When I was a teenager I appreciated the privacy and could have friends over without bothering anyone.
Since your master is on the main floor - what difference does it really make if SD is one floor above or one floor below?
((hugs)) may the power of
((hugs)) may the power of calm over come you during this stay. I have no advice, I don't get on with my MIL. I literally tolerate her for my husband but with very firm boundaries.
hahaha why thank you. You
hahaha why thank you. You seem to have a deep understanding of what I deal with when it comes to DH's mom... Hugs back
Mil does not like you any
Mil does not like you any way... why worry what you say to her.
If she feeds your little ones something you do not approve of tell her straight out, these are my children and they will not be raised that way, stop doing it or you can find a hotel for the duration of your stay.
make it clear it's your house not hers....
Thanks- everyone- yeah the
Thanks- everyone-
yeah the favoritism keeps rearing its head. I am starting to resent him quite a bit over it. I may look into counseling, for me and/or for both of us.
This is a man who adored his child and appeared to adore being a dad when I was dating him. His house looked like a shrine to her (ick.) I didn't know how to interpret that exactly really since he was the first man with a child I'd dated. He knew I definitely wanted children of my own, and acted like he did too. But ever since we had Ours kids, his attitude sucks. He loves the two little ones but he is constantly letting me know how put out he is by having them. I don't think I've ever heard him complain or say a single bad word about sd, in 5 years. She is a sweet kid, but obviously not perfect.
On a recent 4th of July trip, that I planned and paid for for all 5 of us, we went to a dude ranch and stayed in a 2 bedroom cabin and took the kids on hikes, to the pool, even took sd on her first horseback ride. All in all the kids were really good and loved it. Dd even shared a bedroom with SD and they did great... On the 3rd day he just woke up in the morning mad and would hardly speak to anyone. We went for a small hike as a family, it was a gorgeous day, about 2 miles in, the little guys were getting fussy and tired, and my DH says, "I'm just so sick of how shitty our lives are right now, every day is the same with them, we can't do anything." (Huge fight followed.)
Meanwhile, last summer sd couldn't travel with us because her mom wanted her, for the 4th, and DH didn't insist or want to fight BM about it, so I planned a little trip for just the 4 of us, and on the way to the mountains, DH cried bc sd wasn't coming. He had trouble enjoying that one too. I thought this year surely DH can have fun bc princess was there.
We have two healthy, sweet, beautiful kids together and my DH thinks they make our life together crap. What he longs for (he can go on and on about the early days of our relationship) is the time when it was "just" the 3 of us. Perfect, just what every woman wants.
I used to believe I should love my husband more than my children. Not possible in this dynamic.
Other people (close friends)?
Other people (close friends)? have suggested that too about DH- that maybe DH just hates being a dad to toddlers? But he always reflects back on how perfect and easy SD was as a baby. He had her baby pictures covering the walls of his old house.
His separation happened when she was only 1 or 1.5 years old,when he found out BM was cheating with a friend of theirs, so I think that SD literally became his purpose for getting out of bed in the morning for awhile... and I met her when she was 3.5 (so just past toddlerhood) and he acted like she was the bee's knees, and treated her like she was 2.5. He called her the baby until she was 5. Ick
DH has always romanticized parenthood of SD. He acts like being the best dad ever is buying her things and taking her on expensive trips. Of course, real (and especially full time) parenthood is tedious and not always fun and full of "no" and tantrums too, and he is not big on any of that.
So I'm Another cautionary tale - have kids with a Disney dad and you find out he's not that great of a dad to your kids either.
Anyway, I'm fine to keep doing the heavy lifting of parenting my kids, because I don't want them to grow up to be giant a-holes. Obviously this is not an easy task when your husband keeps protecting one of the family's kids above others, and you're not really able to parent that kid because she's not yours...
I'm harder on mine than I am on SD, and I think she knows it. That's how she also ended up sitting pretty uncontested in her big private room while my husband basks in his powers to keep her happy and I wonder what to do about the other two.
That's a difficult dynamic.
That's a difficult dynamic. On the face of it, I kind of agree with your DH about his daughter's room situation.. with one exception. I think the older kid who is not sharing a room should be in the smaller room. I shared a room with my little (by 18 mo's) brother until I was 12! But, we were close in age and that's what worked for my parents.
To be honest, the thing with the kids interacting or being woken by crying etc.. they would probably hear the commotion in the house anyway, so I'm not sure separate rooms would 100% fix it.
If you could kick the decision down the road a year or two I bet that the SD at 11 or 12 would JUMP at the chance to have the basement suite away from the "babies". It's not because they are steps.. or that she would be a princess.. but that is a big age difference and I wouldn't expect a preteen to want to hang around toddlers.
Thanks for your perspective.
Thanks for your perspective. An interesting thing is, SD is a very young 9, and wants to hang around her sibs constantly. She asks me if she can take baths with them. She runs around the house naked at shower/bath time and doesn't want privacy when it comes to that.
His idea of the young kids sharing is not horrible, at least until 6 or 7, I have tried it too- but for the fact that they sleep from 7/8 pm to 830-9 am soundly (unless DS is teething or DD has nightmares) now in separate rooms. When they were in the same room they slept from 7/8 to 6 am with multiple interruptions, which I started calling "cry-fest" because they'd both get scared and hysterical and have trouble falling back to sleep until we separated them, through the night. Guess who also didn't sleep then? Me. DH and ad slept thru it and didn't even know what happened some nights.
So, I know that home being in separate rooms translates into much better sleep currently for everyone. I get that SD may not like sharing a room with a kindergartener in a few years. I also think all the kids could benefit from having separate rooms, especially since we have a boy too. But our house is just not quite right for that at the moment, unless someone moves to the basement now. Of course SD will love having the basement suite to herself at some point- and then DH will I'm sure, Want me to fix it up for her amazing and cool and make it her sanctuary when she's about 15. Which maybe I will resent, given the fact that she's inhabited the nicest other bedroom all these years already. But anyway, until then, I have growing toddlers, one of whom lives in the closet.
So Probably either SD needs to share or we need another bedroom...
Thanks for your advice. I do
Thanks for your advice. I do worry about SD needing some Assurance that her things not be messed with while she's away. I'm working hard on teaching my two respect for people's stuff- something that SD has not been taught - but I still worry that she will feel outnumbered or unable to protect her stuff if she's not there 1/2 the time.
As for my DH saying dd can move in with her, his condition is that SD get her privacy/current room back at some point in the near future, because he wants me to move dd back into the smaller room with her brother in a year or so.
I find this ridiculous too- no way is dd moving twice- out of her bedroom then back to her old room only to share with her brother for 4 years or so and have to move again- and SD only when she "wants to" (to the basement). Guess who is going to end up doing all this moving and decorating and refurnishing anyway? Not like DH will worry himself with this then either.
I don't know what to think of this anymore, so frustrated
but thank you for the support- I agree, it's time for me to do what I want, try whatever configuration we can, and stop consulting my ass of a Husband who has no interest in anything but keeping SD comfy where she is.
He loves to bitch and moan about how annoying it is to have our son in the closet though!