Wow... DH and I tried yet again to have heart to heart with ss12.. FAIL!
Not sure how many times I need to tell DH this kid needs mental help asap - he is a ticking time bomb..
Yesterday morning.. I come downstairs and say hey to the skids, have a good day at school and remind them to make their beds (it's a house rule DH established).
SS12 looks at me as he is tying his shoes and tells me "No, I have my shoes on and I'm leaving".. (in a shitty tone). I'm like that's ok, you can wear your shoes upstairs to make your bed - it will only take a second" (we have a rule no shoes in the house - which he breaks constantly, so the having shoes on thing was an excuse). He proceeds to tell me "no, I'm leaving" several more times with a nice little smirk on his face - like he is enjoying telling me no (he has just started this smirk thing with DH and I).. I reaffirm my request until he walks out the door and gets in DH's truck to leave (dh was warming it up).. I walk out and tell DH what happened and he needs to get his butt back inside to make his bed. Dh tells him to do this, and gets attitude.. finally has to get assertive and then ss12 goes inside and does it.
So later that day I talk to DH about what happened.. I'm pretty much at the end of my rope with this kid and can't take his attitude, disrespect, etc. anymore. I know the kid hates me - it's like a dark cloud over the home and it wears me out.
So we agree to talk to him.. We start with the consequence for being a jerk and how what he did and how he handled himself was unacceptable, etc. DH tells him that he is not to treat me with hostility and disrespect, I am his wife and he needs to accept this..
Then we try to talk about why he is so hostile towards me - why he has this aura of dislike.. ask him straightforward questions about it like "why do you act like you dislike her" and all we get is "I don't know how to answer that".. we phrase it numerous ways and get the same dead response.. it's like he wants to say it (that he doesn't like me) but at the same time not do it directly.. I'm trying to tell him "I can't help you with whatever it is you are struggling with if you don't talk to me".. he replies "I'm not talking to you guys".. WTF?
We really try to relay the message that living like this isn't fun and we want to help/change it, but you have to let us..
Nope - he then tells us "I don't trust anybody".. I'm thinking to myself "yea, because you know how much of a manipulative little liar and sneak you are and suspect everyone else is the same".. (but I hold my tongue on that)..
We ask him "why".. he tells us "because people tell people things".. DH and I both know what he is referring to and it's absolute bullshit. It's because he runs his mouth about people, or we have a problem with something and we work together to address it - with regards to things SS12 has done or said.
We tell him that this is no reason to not trust - that we adults don't have all the answers, so we consult each other and confide in each other to find a solution or address an issue..
NOPE! He seems to think that if he tells his grandma "I know things about my stepmom because my sister told me secrets about her" that grandma shouldn't address this with DH and I.. that grandma should just keep her mouth shut about nasty comments about her daughter in law.. really?
Long story short.. that's all we got out of him.. no reason why, no closure, no agreement to move forward and leave whatever past issues behind.. nothing.. just I don't trust you people..
WTF? I can't live like this..
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Seeing a counselor seems like
Seeing a counselor seems like your only option, him alone first and then as a family.
We sent him to counseling..
We sent him to counseling.. about two years ago and he refused to talk to the lady.
Unfortunately now, we have the worst insurance on the planet and can't afford what he really needs.. a psychologist!
I am reaching out to the county today to see if there are any resources - I can't live like this anymore.
Here's another perspective,
Here's another perspective, not sure if it will be useful or helpful.
1. Kid has rules to follow. No need to argue with him. You already did him a favour by reminding him. Arguing with him about it shows that you see him as an equal to be argued with.
*** I have tried to not argue and it's difficult when he is so hostile and flat out tells you "NO" and walks out the dang door - it's not that I'm arguing at this point, it's that I am reaffirming my request - not sure how to proceed other than to say what it over and over again in hopes he will just stop being a jerk and comply.. so frustrating!
2. You put DH in the enforcer role, undermining your own authority.
*** I had no choice at that point as he went out and got in DH's truck and sat down. I can't physically remove the kid and DH needed to know what was going on. Again.. I did everything I could and he still defied me. DH backed me and gave him a consequence for not listening to me.. I see your point and sure, it is undermining and it is also somewhat unity as DH reinforced my request and punished him for treating me with such blatant disrespect.
3. You and DH put you in the victim role "Why don't you like her" etc etc. Who cares if he likes you, who cares why? Irrelevant to being in a (step)parent/child relationship.
*** We were trying to get to the bottom of where all this contempt comes from. Why he just won't accept the situation - is it something specific from his perspective that we can address and move forward from or is it just the fact that I'm his step mom? I can get the whole step mom thing as I had one and know the feelings that come along with that.. but really, it seems like there is more and we have an idea where it's stemming from - BM and older sister. So we were hoping to get it out in the open so he isn't harboring all this crap inside.
My suggestions:
If not already done, talk to DH and get on the same page about consequences and rewards. Communicate those to all children in house. Stop discussing/reminding/arguing with skid. He doesn't make his bed, he loses pre-identified privilege. He does, he gains pre-identified privilege.
Done this numerous times. My belief is this - SS12 like the upheaval, likes the negativity because it works directly against what we are trying to create - a happy somewhat unified home. If he keeps causing chaos by acting out, pushing boundaries and ignoring everyday chores, he is getting the results he wants - the attention we have to give to him to address these things and issue consequences. It is daily.
Ignore his rude behaviour. It's working for him now - getting him lots of attention from both of you and he feels powerful. Just reward/punish based on your family rule system.
I do for the most part. I will literally avoid him so I don't have to witness this, but then I think "why the hell should I have to segregate myself from the family and go upstairs because of him".. it's not fair. And he is so damn sly and subtle about his crap.. like making the damn dog growl by laying on it when he knows I'm trying to watch a show.. been told not to do it time after time.. but he will do it and then act like it's the dogs fault or he doesn't know why he's growling.. he's a manipulator.. after so many times of him doing this crap, it becomes impossible to ignore!
You can make a family rule about being polite, but a lot of this disrespectful behaviour is hard to quantify and measure. The easiest, in my opinion, is to ignore the rude behaviour or, when it's too much, say "Your behaviour is rude. I don't like it." If you're getting crowded, leave. You can't enforce sending him outside or going to his room because you can't physically MAKE it happen yourself, and so by trying you will undermine your own authority and grant him power.
I do leave.. all the time. we tell him he is being inconsiderate or disrespectful.. he does not care and will talk back.
However, when he behaves normally, instant rewards from you. Smile at him, look directly at him, listen, respond - no need to DO anything, but engage with him like he's a normal human being.
Honestly.. I am past this point as well. So many times, I have done something nice when he is behaving or whatever.. only to be stabbed in the back by him. Example was one time he was interested in my herb garden, so we went out and did some experiments with the different scents (like lavender and rosemary) and made little potpourri pots for his room.. later that night, we were still getting along and he asked if he could stay up later than normal (it was this summer and his dad was out of town) - I said yes, until 10:30 and please make sure you brush your teeth..
Sure enough.. 11:15 I hear him and his brother arguing because his brother got woken up when he came into his room to get the dog because it was HIS night to sleep with it.. (they alternate nights).. he stayed up past the agreed time and was attempting to go to bed without brushing his teeth..
So many times things like this have happened.. I give and get crapped on.. so I don't even try to recognize anything he does anymore or reward him.
Just my two cents. My oldest
Just my two cents.
My oldest daughter was acting like this for several months before she turned 18 and for many months after. No amount of grounding, punishment, lectures, heart to heart talks, begging, pleading or bribing worked.
Right now your chasing the kid. And he knows that he is in charge of this obscene dance that your doing. Stop. Make the kid start chasing you. If he is that miserable, send him to live with his mother. If she is not an option another family member. Let him know that he is being removed from the house and flat is not welcome back until he can act like a decent person.
It took months for my daughter to figure it out. No lie I was honestly starting to fear that she wouldn't. But as with most kids, eventually they figure it out. If nothing else, they do not like being told No and will do what it takes so they can "make" you turn that no into a yes.
Unfortunately, I can't send
Unfortunately, I can't send him to live anywhere.. His BM doesn't want him and DH will not give him up. If it were to come to a him or me decision - I'd be the one to go.
And really.. I'm just about to say those exact words to DH. I can't live like this.
Last nights conversation brought no closure - NONE.
DH won't readdress it because the kid won't talk. I have mentioned getting him help, time and time again.. even seeing if the county mental health services can assist.. DH doesn't think there is a mental problem.
Not sure how I can make him chase me.. as he wants me out of his life.
"If it were to come to a him
"If it were to come to a him or me decision - I'd be the one to go."
Are you kidding? Is this a fear of yours or is this the prevailing attitude? Because if this is the attitude of your DH, then I can tell you exactly where the kid is getting all of this perceived power, and it is from that. This is not an outcome, it is a cause of the problem.
When a stepfamily is formed, the stepparent is the weakest link. S/he is the outsider, and doesn't have the history of the others. If the bioparent isn't willing to make the stepparent part of a parenting team that the kids cannot interfere in, or if the bioparent isn't willing to tell the stepkids that you are there to stay and that there is nothing that they can do about it, then it sets the stepkids up with power to split up your relationship. And I think that is exactly the dynamic that you are seeing here.
^^^this EXACTLY!!!!
^^^this EXACTLY!!!!
I feel very sorry for you
I feel very sorry for you women. I can't believe that you write these sort of things about your stepchildren. Was it their choice that their parents divorced? No . Did they ask for a new mother? No. Have you ever once thought about how he might feel? A new woman coming to his home, trying to decide what he can and cannot do. You're not his parent, and you'll never have the authority to tell him what to do. That is something his father should decide. And instead of spending time writing 10 page articles about how much you dislike him, you should consider spending the time trying to get to know him. You must remember he is just a child and he never asked to be put in such a position. To him you're just some woman who walked into his life. The child will always be first priority, like it should be. Don't push him away. He might have a good reason for his behaviour. Children can feel how another person feels towards them and from what've read here you must be giving off a very bad vibe. I think its horrible what you guys write about innocent small children, who've been put in a situation that no one would ever want to and to top it off they get a stepmom who doesn't like them. I've not read one comment that speaks of supporting the child. The child might need help because of bad behaviour, but its ultimately the parents who need counselling when one of them turns to such forums to write about children. I speak out of experience. I know how hard it is to be a stepchild and a stepmom, but i've always done my best and no matter what I've always looked at the children in my husbands eyes, cause no matter what they will always be the most important and as a "stranger" to a family the only right thing is to have respect towards them for letting me in.
and i don't have some stepchild degrading signature underneath my text. learn to love them and they will love you.
First of all: You are dead
First of all:
You are dead wrong about a lot of things.
I didn't come into anyone's home - we formed a home together.
I have taken into consideration 100's of times his feelings and tried to help him.. I was a step kid once too and I get the whole resentment thing, so if anything I have always "tread lightly" on certain things/areas..
I am well aware I am not his biological parent, but I am responsible for him as much as his father is since his mom is a deadbeat. I also have rights.
I do have full authority to tell him what to do in our home. You mean to tell me I can't remind him to do chores or be responsible - that only his father has that respect? So I guess he shouldn't listen to teachers or any other authority figures either?
His father and I decide things TOGETHER and enforce boundaries and rules as needed. So, if dad goes out of town for work for a week the kid can just go willy nilly and do whatever he pleases since I'm not his mom and can't tell him anything?
Right.
ADULTS can also feel how another person feels towards them - and no, I haven't put out any vibes other than I won't be talked to and treated like crap in my own home. It's called personal boundaries and I am well within my rights as a HUMAN BEING to stand up and tell someone that they are not to yell at me or disrespect me.
Get to know him? I've been in his life for 4 years and know all about him and have tried like hell to help him and understand why he acts certain ways.
I'm also not the only person he treats like this - his dad and grandmother have felt his wrath plenty of times.
You have no clue.. none at all how it feels to be hated in your own home and treated like shit by someone you try to be good to, do you?
Who are you to judge me and my intentions?
Well, her screen name is
Well, her screen name is "enragedstepdaughter" so....(insert big yawn here). Ignore.
yep
yep
I second the "yep"..
I second the "yep"..
Well said. And considering
Well said. And considering your post was all about trying to have a heart to heart and draw SS out about how he feels and what is motivating his behaviour yours is a particularly bizarre post to castigate as being hostile to your stepchild.
Love them and they will learn to love you is NOT true. Many stepchildren, who have had this unwanted parental partner foisted upon them, do not have the inclination or ability to love their stepparent no matter how kind and generous and supportive and nurturing that stepparent is.
exactly.. He is harboring
exactly..
He is harboring resentment and won't talk about it.. so how can I help him?
Answer - I can't. No one can until he is willing to let them.
I am nice to him, but he makes it incredibly difficult to ooze warmth when all I get from him is the cold shoulder and disrespect. Plop on top of that his tendency to disobey and do whatever the heck he wants and the hell with house rules and you have an adult that is just struggling with how to handle it all.
oh wow...who the hell are
oh wow...who the hell are you????...oh never mind, your handle name says it all...ENRAGEDSTEPDAUGHTER.... :sick:
this is the wrong place for you...you will not win here....
dang Echo....looks like we
dang Echo....looks like we were a little late to the party on this one...butttttt at least I know WHO to keep my evil eye out for .... }:)
I feel that its disrespectful
I feel that its disrespectful towards your husband, that you need to go to a forum to sort out whatever problems you have with your stepson. He's just a child and no child will hate someone just for the sake of it. He must feel troubled somehow and instead of putting yourself in the place of a victim, being an adult you should instead try and look at it from his perspective. And no, your husband and you decided to join families, he did not. His mother might be deadbeat, but she will always be his mother so no matter what he will always see her differently. Which is why you should not be venting and writing about a small child here. And my screen name has nothing to do with it. I'm an adult myself, with to step children which have been a struggle, but when i read your posts i became so angry, that an adult could write such things about a child. that i found it my duty to respond. you might not like what i've got to say, but i believe that its someone right to stand up for children who are badmouthed by no other than their own step parent.
Really? I'm not going here
Really?
I'm not going here to sort out anything I don't already have right out in the open with my husband - no secrets in MY marriage, hun.
This is for support with something he doesn't have to cope with - being a step mom. He understands my struggles, but when it comes to the nitty gritty feelings associated with it all, it's not directly happening to him - so he isn't in tune with that side of things. A biological father and a step mom are faced with different challenges - especially when it comes to emotionally.
And yes, this kid does hate and I fully understand he is conflicted inside and am trying to HELP him - did you not see that in my post? I also get that his mom will always be his mom regardless of whether or not she is a deadbeat - not once have I tried to push her out of his life or tried to replace her. In fact, I take him shopping for a mothers day gift for her every year.
I can vent wherever the hell I want and especially on a site DESIGNED for venting about step kids. Would you rather me keep it all inside and eventually go nuts with all the crap I have to deal with?
Another thing.. you do not KNOW me.. nor do you KNOW this child.. you have no idea whatsoever about the things that he does or his history.. chasing his brother with a knife, telling his dad to shut the fuck up.. oh yea, he's a real peach and I'm the bad guy for struggling and feeling lost when it comes to a way to HELP him and at the same time am frustrated and worried about what this is doing to our family..
SCREW you.. seriously. take you pedestal your sitting on and shove it up your ass.
too bad Enraged will not
too bad Enraged will not answer back....*sigh*.....