I am so sorry about just now checking back in - i was "slammed" at work today! Plus - my boss, in his way of caring proceeded to tell everyone in the office what happened - i was ok with that - he cares and we are a close group - so fast forward to the end of the day to which i made an effort not to look "worn" and our investigator comes by to drop off some stuff for a file and says he how are you doing? R*** called and told me what happened yesterday - are you ok?

Gee- thanks - i can't hide. everyone kinda of looked at me like i was going to break at any second. work is work - i cant let my personal life affect and its my job and co-workers that are offering support. i cant let them down - i can expect to not perform as usual, not at home or work - i have to move forward even if forward simply means diving into work right now.

i have come to think he didn't mean to "leave" he was just leaving for the moment and he used very bad judgment in his actions. to me i felt as if when i needed him the most he wasn't there. when i needed the support he was gone. he has run from problems his entire life and i have always dove way to far into them and trying to prevent problems. I was a single mother for twelve years raising three kids and sometimes working two jobs, always something for extra money. i grew up with a mom who mirrors my husband's behavior in regards to spending, not budgeting, letting life happen to them and not working hard for what the want.

i love my husband as do my children. i can't function when there isn't order. I have to have structure and stability because I never had it before I became a mother at 17. God blessed me or I wouldn't have accomplished a pretty decent career and not having to worry if i could make it with food. That being said, I have been trying to catch us up over the past year and things have gotten worse and worse with it. i feel neglected, taken advantage of, and ultimately, that last day - flat out abandoned and excuse my french but shit on. Its hard to be the one that puts bandaids on everything - gets thrown to the mix when it gets tough - etc. I also have a tendency to do that myself

sorry if my posts dont make sense right now - i am "processing" too much stuff at one time. I love to research on the internet and right now have been keeping myself busy on the crime blogs about caylee anothony, i can't tell you how much her mother reminds me of my husband's exwife and how much that little girl reminds me of my stepdaughter. this case has consumed me because i fear that i may turn the tv on one day - and that story hit way too close to home. my sd lives eight hours away and lately we haven't gotten to speak to much less see her.

Thanks guys!!!!!!