I finally get it and it scares me....
ok, after being on here for a few months, reading alot , posting a little, The basic underlying theme I come up with is.... If these BD's arent going to parent the skids and demand, decent behavior from the skids and respect for themselves as well as us, then we have 2 choices. Either run (which is damn hard when you love the guy) or Live with it.......
Dosent sound real fun either way....... kinda depressing..... I am bummed now......
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My marriage is over and you
My marriage is over and you know the stress level I was under and really didn't realize is so down that I can count my blessings. I hate feeling coldhearted but it just is not healthy for anyone in the situation.
yea, I am sure that stress is
yea, I am sure that stress is lifted for you. And those skids or skid and BM are probably high fiving each other cuz they got accomplished what they wanted.... It just sucks that a child can rule a marriage.....
I agree that if BM wont
I agree that if BM wont parent and quit PASing, but Im just sayin that if BD allows these kids to act like little (or big) entitled brats and lets them treat him and us disrespectful and ignores thier behavior, then theres really nothing we can do as SMs.......
Thank you Spunk because for a
Thank you Spunk because for a few days here I have been dwelling on our unhappiness instead of remembering that I have to create my own happiness. Next month I am enrolled in a 6 week course to get my CNA. I'm so excited. I haven't worked for 10 years now and I want more than anything to help people with Alz./dimentia. I took care of my Mom with this disease for 2 years and she died just 7 months ago. It's time for me to give back and it makes me feel so good knowing I can make a difference in a few lives.
Again thank you.....I started to get lost again and all bound up in this Stepparent drama. I feel better!
I guess thats what I am
I guess thats what I am coming to realize by posting this. Basically it is what it is and If we love these guys, we just have to live with it and find ways to keep ourselves sane...
A few years ago...way before
A few years ago...way before I married DH, I broke up with him because of the actions of SD and BM...I couldn't handle it anymore. And...WHEW...a weight was gone. But, it was replaced by such lonliness and another kind of misery. I missed him so badly. He called me every day and we cried together and he begged me to come back to him. He never made any promises that he would change or anything, but I knew that I couldn't live without him. I knew that I would spend the rest of my life with this man...skids and all....
Thats what I see happening
Thats what I see happening too. It just kills me to watch his kids treat him so badly and in turn treat me even worse and he just lets it go. And I am starting to see that it is never gonna change and he is never gonna demand decent behavior from them so I am gonna have to buck up and deal with it....
It does hurt to watch your
It does hurt to watch your honey get disrespected and on a regular basis. I told my DH that while I used to tell the skids "Don't talk to your dad that way", after something I saw posted here, I've started using "Don't speak to MY HUSBAND that way". If he won't speak up for himeself, I don't have a problem doing it for him. I could care less if the skids like me, hate me or whatever, but they aren't going to treat their dad with disrespect..the man that provides them with everything they ever need in the world...nope. I'm not having it anymore.
It's true. The BP's allow
It's true. The BP's allow this nasty behavior in their kids. Many BP's add PAS to the mix which adds a new level of difficulty. I guess to be an effective SP, you either go along to get along OR you disengage completely. Neither is the optimum answer. If you think about it though, it's not like these little monsters are showing their own parents respect. If the BP doesn't stand up for themselves, they will never stand up for us. Which leaves us blowing in the wind.
Right On ! this is what Im
Right On ! this is what Im sayin.... now I have to decide what I want to do about it....
and most likely that will be., counting the days til the 2 older bratty ones are out.
"I had started out in the
"I had started out in the relationship with such HIGH expectations about being a good roommate and friend to the girls, BUT nether SDBrat respected their dad, so, of course, they aren't going to treat his partner (me) any better."
I couldn't agree more! What I've learned is that his ADULT children actually have no respect for themselves, much less anyone else. They are only hurting themselves by their actions. I, too, feel tons better now that I know it's not me...it's them and their disfunction. DH is welcome to be a part of my life, my friend's lives, and my grown child's life. His children are not. I will no longer take their attitude, their laziness, and their "Jerry Springer" lifestyle. It feels so good to be done with it!!!!!
You and your DH have to be on
You and your DH have to be on the same page - if you aren't then it will never work - it has been rough with my DH at times but from the beginning he wanted to have a relationship with a woman and have someone to spend his life with - he realized that while he loved his son - he also loved himself enough to know that someday his son would be an adult and out on his own and then my DH would be alone. He did not want this so while sometimes he has made decisions that were with SS - most of his decisions are based on what he and I think and he takes my feelings into consideration when it involves anything with SS, BM and our family. He is also not afraid to discipline his son and expects him to become an adult and go out and live on his own - he also expects that SS will respect me and my position in DH's life. SS knows that if he goes to DH and gets an answer on something and he does not like it that if he comes to me it is the same answer and vice versa - it is all about being a united front. If you don't have that then yes you have to either leave or live with it.
Would be way nice if we could
Would be way nice if we could be a united front. But I dont see that happening. He is definitely a Disney Dad and coddles and shelters these skids. I know that it is totally up to him on getting respect and humane treatment from these skids, and unitl then if ever, this is how it is...... and that is what bums me .....
It seems like almost (almost,
It seems like almost (almost, not every) post I read comes back to a failure on the father's part to parent his kids and manage his ex. I just don't get it. My husband is not perfect. But he would NEVER allow any of our kids to behave disrespectfully towards me. The kids behave the way they are taught to behave. It's easy to blame the BM. But kids behave differently in different places. And my kids know that the entire world would come crashing down on their little heads if they every treated me with anything but respect.
I don't know how some of you stay with a DH who doesn't demand that his kids treat you with respect. They don't have to like/love you. But in your house, they do have to show respect. Sometimes I think all the anger at the stepkids is completely misplaced. It ought to be directed at your DH.
I think that is what hurts us
I think that is what hurts us step parents the most - the betrayal by DH - whether it be few times or a constant act - it is that you think you are marrying a life partner and someone who wants whats best for us - but then you realize that the spouse cares for the kid more than the relationship - I am lucky in that my DH realized there was more to life than the kids - even bio parents should realize this - I don't think it is so much the kids as the spouses not realizing how important the marriage is - probably why so many 2nd marriages and 3rd marriages with kids end in divorce. It is always risky to marry that person who has been married before - even though they will tell you that something was wrong with the other person - it always takes 2 to make or break a marriage (you have your exceptions with the serial cheaters or just downright selfish people) but when we marry someone who has been married 2, 3 or even 4 times we have to be able to go into the relationship sorta realizing that the person we are marrying may not be good marriage material.
Yes I have heard all the stories and excuses that the new spouse spouts but they are perfect for me and that could never happen because our relationship is different than the first 3 or 4 but you have to wonder why you are the 3rd, or 4th or 5th spouse. So it comes down to either you establish the boundaries before marriage or live with the consequences after.
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Yes-this is the way it is in
Yes-this is the way it is in my house too-if my ss outright called me a name or at times when he raises his voice to me and argues while dh is present-dh does get onto him, sends him to his room, etc-but its the passive aggressive crap that is so hard to take. I dont think he necessarily doesn't believe me that ss is treating me hatefully in this manner-but he is a very out of sight, out of mind kind of person. He just doesnt think about it-and ss will occassionally speak to me if dh is present-which then dh thinks, "Oh, look ss is making an effort to be friendly". Of course, I know it is simply for dh's benefit-but am faced with a choice, "telling" on ss and appearing negative and naggy or just ignoring it. So I usually ignore it. However, I am now to the point where if dh does not get onto his kid for something he is doing in our home-I will do it myself (he already doesnt like me so it's not going to make a difference in how he feels). I try to do it politely, yet firmly and reasonably. That way no one can argue with me about it (like dh).
As others have said-you have no control over what your dh does, your bm, your skids but you do have control over yourself. You can choose how you want to handle it-and I think different things work for different people. I use a variety of things to help me whether it be finding something else to do, drinking some wine, confronting ss on some of his behaviors, ignoring others, and always trying to talk to dh periodically about ways that we can improve as a family. We have our ups and downs and it is certainly a bumpy road-but I do not feel like it consumes my life or devastates me. Because I wont allow it to. Granted, it would be more difficult for csm's and I certainly feel for all of you.
I wonder if its a personality
I wonder if its a personality trait in these Dads..... Cuz thats what I have been telling him, He has got to look them in the eye when they send me text telling me how much they hate me and how thier mom says I stole their dad from her ( I didnt meet him til months after she left him and she filed for divorce) and he has to tell them he will not accept that behavior from them. He has to tell them to say thank you when I compliment one of them instead of literally looking away and acting like I am invisible. ( I dont even have to tell my 6 year old to say thankyou anymore, she just does) My kids do not treat him badly, they are respectful and actually pleasant to him, because I demand this from them. If he were to just sit them all down and say "look here skids I love onebright and she is going to be in my life forever and you will treat her and her kids with respect at all times" I think they would get it. But as long as he just ignores thier behavior and says they will "get it" in time.... then I think they know they have the reins......
I agree with you completely.
I agree with you completely. You are one lucky gal to have a husband who demands respect for you. I think the reason a lot of women stay in these marriages is because of fear mostly. Fear of divorcing and having to start over again, fear of how they will make it, fear that noone will love them for who they are, fear of never feeling good about themselves again. Alot of women also stay becaue they continue to hope that things will change, hope that their husbands will wake up, hope that some day there will be peace for all. Just my 2 cents and some of my own feelings too.
Sorry I put my above post in
Sorry I put my above post in the wrong place...it was meant for momtwo5 who has a husband that demands respect for her. Boy is she lucky.
Stepaside The thing with your
Stepaside The thing with your sd staring and then rolling her eyes wouldn't have gone that far with me. I would have yanked her up by her arm taken her to her dad and told him what happened and if he didn't do something I'd have told him that fine if you won;t I will and you won;t like it! and if that still didn't do anything I'd be gone! But you see my dh already knows this about me and doesn't want to lose me. Like I said he lost me once b.c of that crap.
When we enter a relationship
When we enter a relationship with these spouses we have to be able to stand our ground - the spouses have to know that we mean it - but in turn that also means you have to be able to walk away if you threaten you are going to if the agreement that was in place before the marriage is not being honored.
I am a nurse and can work anywhere in the country - I have worked very hard my entire life - I had a great life before DH and he knows this and also knows that if he pushes it too far I will take DD and walk out the door. I would not want to put her through that but he knows I can make it on my own and I would. Even if it meant walking out the door with the clothes on my back and nothing else - even if it meant no CS - you see I am a survivor - so is DH - he knows I can make it on my own and I would.
Don't get me wrong I love my life with DH but I have had to put up with some things I should not have had to - when they happened I told him very quietly if it continued with giving in to SS and BM I was out the door - I was deadly serious in my tone and attitude - once it happened when I was 7 months pregnant and SS lived with us full time and life had become unbearable and another time was when DD was 2 and I was working full time as a nurse - running hubby's company, taking care of SS and the house - DH knows I love my family and will do anything to help him but he also knows that I will no longer take any shit and not to push things. It is quite frankly his choice - a good life with me or a very unhappy life without either of his children in it full time.
For the last 3 years it has been great just a few spats but nothing unbearable - just can't stand to be around SS16 no matter how hard I try - he lives with BM full time and has become a mini her - it took us 6 1/2 years to get to this point but we also agreed before marriage what the boundaries and what respect I expected from him and SS and to be a united front - sometimes he slips but apologizes and tries to make it right immediately.
StepAside, you said: They
StepAside, you said: They most often kept their behaviors right below the call line.
These things are NOT below the "call line"!
You said: I remember walking down the hall at my MIL's house, and my oldest SD (then a teenager) drilled a hole in my skull with her eyes. Once she had my full attention, while standing facing me as I was walking towards her, she rolled her eyes in disgust and walked back to join the Christmas ceremonies.
And: The most outrageous was when they would visit and refuse to speak to me. Literally. Or they'd be whispering, or not speaking to our kids, or waltzing through our house like it was their personal catwalk, and I wasn't even there.
That's what I just don't understand. If one of my kids rolls his or her eyes at me. And they have. They spend the rest of the day rolling their little eyes at the walls in their rooms.
Refuse to speak to me? Oh hell no! Again, they don't have to talk to me. They can spend the entire visit sitting in their bedrooms.
No way would I put up with that. And my DH would likely knock them halfway across the room if he saw it.
It's all about teaching people, including kids, how to treat you.
We joke around a lot in our house. I mean a whole lot! My (step)son will get really close to that line between "joking around" and being disrespectful. All DH and I have to do is say "line!", and he'll apologize. He KNOWS exactly what we will and will not tolerate. Same with the other four.
Exactly. What the fathers
Exactly. What the fathers allow speaks directly to how they feel about us. I don't think these mean realize that their actions indirectly show their priorities and the hierarchy in the family. There is a problem when a spouse doesn't demand and/or is afraid to confront their children when they're being disrespectful.
In my mind, marriage is still sacred and that union should be protected. There is no excuse for a father letting his children be disrespectful. Not putting a child in line is showing lack of respect for the spouse and the marriage.
I couldn't live with disrespect. Seriously, if a man is so scared to stick up for his wife because of fear of alienating his children (in particular, it seems, daughters) then maybe they shouldn't be married. It's not even specific to just marriages. If the priority isn't the relationship or the marriage why do these men bother?
It's funny...it seems like we women are more willing/capable of putting our own kids in their place and demanding they respect the men in our lives...I wonder if it is because as mothers (and usually, primary caretakers) we're more secure in our relationships with our kids which allows us to discipline our kids without loss of affection.
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