Hello All, 

I (34F)  have recently been going through it and realized I don't have many people around me to talk to about my situation. I found steptalk out of desperation to vent and not end up obsessing over googling my problems.

Background: SO (38M) and I have been together for about 7 years. We never really felt the need to get married, it wasn't really a big deal to us. SO has 3 kids from his previous marriage, SS(14), OSD(13), YSD(10). SO and I started seeing each other about 2 years after his divorce and we decided that I wouldn't meet his kids until we were more serious and committed. Meeting his kids was great! I don't think we've ever had any skid vs sparent issues. They are mostly respectful, well behaved, and fun to be around. SS and OSD have gotten more attitude recently but we know it's their teenage angst making an appearance. After reading a lot of posts and blog entries on this site (while awaiting my account approval), I am grateful for my relationship with them and how conflict free it has been. I have never forced the kids to call me mom since I don't think its appropriate and it just really feels weird to me. SS is academically smart, loves video games, is great at chess, and is a little too obsessed with tiktok. OSD has good grades but really doesn't like school work. She prefers makeup, doing nails, making tiktoks, and occasionally bakes. She likes when we all do things together as a family, but is slowly preferring alone time to call/text her friends. YSD likes to try new things and really just wants to hang out with SS and OSD. She mirrors a lot of OSD's behaviors because they are always together, but is definitely more of a tom boy. She showed interest in cooking/baking for a while, but that has faded away in favor of scrolling on youtube. We're trying to crack down on the screen time.

On our weekends, we try to do at least one activity a day as a family. We are very aware that the teenagers want alone time and we try not to be overbearing while still making the most of the time we have together. Some activities we have done: escape roomes (gets expensive for 5 people), spend a day at the beach, grunion fishing, bbq with family, rollerblading, water balloon fights, and going to the mall. There will be weekends where a kid wants to hang out with friends or another has a birthday party, so SO and I will split our time. He will take one kid and I will take the other 2 to do something or vice versa. 

SO was in his mid 20s when he left BM. Their relationship had already been deteriorating and he couldn't handle it anymore. A few examples he recounted were that she grew suspicious of him when he would work overtime, thinking he was cheating. In reality, he was working more so he could avoid going home to her. She would show up at his work to make sure he was there, she would smell certain body parts, it seemed ridiculous. One day, he packed his bags and left. This is the part that I wish he had been more level headed about. He thought that after they signed papers for divorce, they would just work out a schedule for time and support because he had seen his divorced friends and family have a good coparenting relationship. (INSERT EYE ROLL HERE) Oof he was so very wrong. She filed for full custody, he was never served and never knew about the hearing date, and she got 100%. SO had visitation with them 2nd and 4th weekend and Wednesday evenings, but on the court order it showed only 2nd weekend and Wednesday evenings. She didn't allow any phone calls. 

After we started dating and getting serious, BM got pregnant with her 4th kid with her now husband, SF. SF himself has a daughter with different bio mom. Since SO didn't have visitation on paper, BM decides that on the 4th weekend, SO would get 2 kids so one of them could stay home with SF's daughter so she wouldn't be lonely. This was around 2017 and there was nothing we could do.  SO moved in with me, but we were living with roommates to save money. SO and I both agree that we weren't in a place to ask for more than what he had, but he should have at least gotten it on paper. I think we waited to file because we weren't confident that the courts would look kindly on our living situation, which seems to be a mistake but I can talk about that later.

Fast forward to 2019... I bought a house! I got really lucky and closed at the end of June 2019. We moved in and still decided to rent rooms to family friends (people the kids have known and are familiar with for years) to help us out financially until we were more comfortable. We had a small room for the kids since they were not over a lot. I personally didn't like it because I wanted these kids to have everything. Their own rooms, spaces, and just THINGS in general. But they didn't spend that much time in there anyways. We did our best to have activities to do or family to hang out with. They have 2 cousins on SO's side in the same age range, so it gets rowdy when all 5 get together!

Around 2020, things got hectic. One family friend moved out and we moved the kids to the vacant room because it was bigger. We didn't want to find anyone else to occupy the room and let us slowly give the kids more space. We wanted it to feel like a place they could be comfortable, not just a place they visited. SO got laid off due to the pandemic. BM was pregnant with baby #5. The kids had all their classes moved online. Luckily I was still working and was able to WFH. SO had all the time in the world for the kids now and offered to watch them and help them with school so BM and SF didn't need to refuse work. Outside of the 2nd and 4th weekend (still only 2 kids on the 4th), BM let us have them for maybe 4 days. That was it, but we sucked it up. The year seemed to fly by and by 2021, somehow, we ended up doing group birthdays for SS and OSD. SO, BM, SF and I were all cordial, sat separately, but allowed for the kids to have a nice birthday. SO tried to have a talk about seeing the kids more but it didn't go well, she pretty much said no to everything.

This was when we decided that we needed something on paper and we were ready to go to court for it. Skids were 11, 10, and 7. SO was tired of not seeing all 3, not getting a single holiday outside of Father's Day (2hours), Halloween (EOY), and Christmas Eve. Even when there were 3 day weekends, he was only allowed to pick them up Friday evenings and dropped off Sunday evenings. No more, no less. It really stunk to see how powerless SO was. End of 2021, she was served with court papers and any goodwill we had with her flew out the window. No more 4th weekends at all (Let's just follow the court order for now), no holidays (we only saw them on Dec 22nd), and pretty much no contact any other way (BM had provided a cell phone for them for when they were with us, but they were not allowed to pick up SO's calls or respond to his texts. We believe it is because BM had the phone on lockdown and would check through it periodically. Skids would try to keep the peace). 

Court came beginning of 2022.  Mediation before hearing is mandatory in our state. This was useless as she said no to everything. Zoom court came and went, there was no bad statements between either of them. SO just asked for 2nd and 4 weekends and split holidays. BM said no because kids are getting good grades. Court order comes in and SO gets pretty much what he asked for except that he must first finish a coparenting class and present the ceritificate of completion to BM before getting the 4th weekend, BM must also take the coparenting class (we don't know if she actually did it), SO was allowed phone calls on MonThursSat at 7:30pm, and SO and BM must work out a holiday schedule together. If nothing is agreed upon, the holidays will be split in half. This was pretty much the start of a nightmare time. 

1. SO finished the coparenting class as soon as he could and sent over the certificate to BM. She didn't accepted it and said it needed to be certified by the court. SO jumped through HOOPS for this. He went to the court and the clerk said no, just present it to her and that is enough. BM still said no and that she wanted a certified copy handed to her. SO was getting fed up but we think she was just trying to hold out for as long as possible. 2. Once holidays started rolling around, SO tried to start a conversation, sent her a proposed holiday schedule on the state provided form and told her that if she didn't agree to it to please send her what she was more comfortable with. She responded with something along the lines of... Please stop harassing me. The court order is just a SUGGESTION. 3. Due to weird grammar and formatting of the court order, BM felt that she was entitled to a 7:30pm phone call on the Saturdays the kids were with us. This was so awful for us. The first weekend the kids were with us after the court order was issued, we were hanging out in the living room watching a movie and as soon as 7:30 hit, all 3 got up and went into their room to wait for her call. Another weekend, their cousins planned on going to watch a new Spiderman movie that would start at 7. We asked the kids if they wanted to go and if they wanted to, they could call their mom early. They called her early and she told them that she was busy and that they better all be together on a phonecall at 7:30. SO did his best to let them know that he would take the hit with her and they should go have fun. In the end, SS and YSD went to the movie. OSD was too scared to miss the call.

Recounting this makes me want to scream. SO consulted with a lawyer just to look over the court order and ask about everything BM was doing. Lawyer pretty much confirmed that everything she was doing was insane and not following the court order. We should have had the lawyer take action then, but she convinced us to wait a few months and let the dust settle. I supposed it did, but BM never allowed SO any holidays outside of what SHE decided. The only victory we had was Christmas Eve/Christmas because it landed on our weekend and she had left it out of her holiday form that she somehow assumed was a final decision. We didn't want the kids to not see BM on Christmas and even offered to let her have them Christmas morning. She reponded, "No, we already have plans". 

The relationship between BM and each skid as of late 2022/early 2023: SS is in 8th grade and does not have a social life outside of school. No extra curriculars. No phone. He has a total of 5 sisters (2 Bio, 2 half, 1 step). He sleeps in a nook in the living room (or the couch) because they live in a 2 bedroom apartment and a teenage boy shouldn't be sharing a room with 4-5 other girls. OSD is very much the favored child. She is in charge of the cell phone that she takes to school and texts friends, but she also doesn't have much of a social life outside of school and her phone. She has been parentified and I would consider her more of a mom to YSD than BM. She takes care of the younger 2 half sisters. OSD doesn't want her mom to get in trouble and will lie for her, even though she knows whatever it is she is lying about is not right. YSD.. I am unsure. She is usually too scared to talk about anything that happens at home and she is known to lie. OSD has lowkey let us know that she doesn't get a lot of attention from BM and SF. YSD does talk to SO a lot though. She tells him that she gets jealous because SF gets home and only hugs his bio kids. SF only buys his biokids things and it's flaunted in front of skids. When YSD asked BM about it, BM told her that SF is their dad so he only has to buy things for them. When SO buys little toys or anything that YSD asks for, BM has now asked YSD to stop telling the younger sisters about it because it makes them jealous. All the kids love their mom, but know that it is not a normal situation.

Starting 2023, SS is slowly letting SO know that he wants to live with us, that he cannot take it at BMs anymore. She calls him useless and threatens him. He is this only boy in the home with no relationship with SF, so he can be rough with his sisters. BM tells him if he ever does anything to his sisters that she will kill him and that she would rather put in him juvenile detention than let him live with SO. She has also slapped him in the face. SO would ask if SS wanted SO to ask to sleep over longer or something, but SS would only say that BM wouldn't let it happen and that she would always win. SO would follow up with him because we didn't want it to be a decision that was made only because they fought that day. SO also encouraged SS to speak up to him mom and let her know how he felt. We begin to work with the lawyer on filing with the intention of having him live with us full time. I knew the chances were slim, but I got my hopes up. I looked for good schools, how to transfer a student, different sports leagues and so on. I asked the final family friend/roommate to move out because I wanted to focus on the kids and we were ready to not have renters anymore. The day after we met with the lawyer, SS is quiet and avoids SO for a little while. SO tried to talk to him and finds out that SS spoke up (which is a good thing!) several days before and spilled everything to BM, including asking to live with us. He didn't want to live with us full time anymore and BM bought him a phone. SO told him that he is glad his spoke up for himself, but he should have let us know when it happened. SS said he was afraid SO would be mad at him. SO reassured him that he still loved him and he just wanted him to be happy. After the kids left, I cried. My hopes were dashed, which was my mistake. How could I let myself really think it was a possibility? I could I think that it would work out?

We (when I say we, it officially means SO since we are not married so I have no legal say in anything, but SO does value my opinion because I am very involved) decided to move forward with the modification asking for the holiday schedule be finalized and more time in general (half of school vacations, 1/2 holidays, 3 day weekends). We asked that the judge clarify the wording of the court order so phone calls would not interfere with parenting time. Again, I made the mistake of getting my hopes up. The lawyer made everything sound so easy. Mandatory mediation came and went with BM agreeing to nothing.

Court day shows up and I am a ball of nerves waiting at work for a text or call from SO. Apparently they were the last to be seen and it did not go well. Now, I'm sure all the parents who don't get what they want say they got an unfair judge. SO's judge was... illogical. SO and his lawyer had been watching hearings all day. In one instance a man had stated that he does not have a job because he wanted to spend more time with his kids. She reamed him for not having a way to support his kids. SO feels okay going in. Let's start with the good: SO got the 5th weekends, phone calls any time at reasonable hours, receiving parties pick up kids. That's about it.

The lawyer explained that the kids don't have anymore school for the rest of the summer so they are just at home. The judge says that SO has a job, how will he have time for the kids? (SO is out of work by 2:30pm)

Lawyer: But she (BM) works too!
Judge: They have a perfect schedule, it doesn't matter
Lawyer: The kids are not in school right now, they don't have any activities, we would at least like 1 week of summer. (SO) also has a week off in December during their winter break. 
Judge: I cannot do that, he has a job, he is not spending time with them

It apparently goes like this for a while. The judge then says, ok, you want more time? You can have MWF 3-8pm when the kids don't have school. BM says she does not agree. Judge asks why. BM has no answer. Just then says You guys are going to go back to mediation and figure out the rest of the holiday schedule. Lawyer argues that's why they are in court.. because mediation didn't work! Judge tells them to make it work. BM says she does not agree to any changes. Judge tells her to be open minded. They go get their papers to return to mediation. At this point, I am sad but still hopeful. Maybe BM will hate the pick ups enough to negotiate something in mediation. We prep holiday suggestions for SO for mediation. He is already concerned about missing more work. They go to mediation the following week and all is going okay until thanksgiving, winter, and spring break come up. The kids have 1 week off for thanksgiving and spring break, and 3 weeks for winter. BM will not agree to any time here because they are not "Holidays" and the judge had only said MWF for SUMMER break. The mediators become confused (EYE ROLL) and unfortunately for SO, the court order is not accessible yet. SO tries to get his point across, that school vacation is part of the holiday form that they are discussing. BM feigns confusion. Mediator asks BM why she does not want SO to have any time during winter break. BM says its because she works hard and wants to spend time with her kids too. Yes. She really said this. The woman who has the kids 85% of the time thinks she does not have enough time with her kids. She does not even work full time. Thank goodness, the mediator responded to her that that was not how it works. BM continued to claim to be confused. Mediators claimed to have their hands tied because they didn't have the court order to work with. BM will not agree and we must wait for the order to be available before rescheduling.

The court order has just come out and it only states MWF for the summer. SO and Lawyer remembers the judge stating all school vacation, but that doesnt matter anymore. I do my best to keep SO's spirits high but he is dejected. We feel like we are going crazy. We try to enjoy the small victory of getting any extra time and finally some holiday consistency, but the system has really beaten him down. We thought we did everything right. We waited until we had rooms for them to show that we are responsible. The judge didn't care. She didn't care that SS doesn't have a bed because thats just how some families live. She didn't see any problem with BM's phone calls and noncompliance to figuring out a holiday schedule. Lawyer was upset too. She felt bad she didn't get us what we wanted. She said if they ever ended up back in front of the judge for whatever reason, he probably wouldn't need her. We're not sure if having a lawyer made the judge bias since BM represented herself. Lawyer has helped us out a little more in making sure BM is sticking to the current order in allowing SO the summer MWF right away. OSD didn't come because she said she felt sick, but SO saw that BM and SF's cars were not there and OSD was most likely babysitting. When YSD came out, OSD glared at her for not staying with her. 

So now we wait for the next mediation. The last step. We have no expectations at this point. We are not a reporting county. The order says that they would return to mediation to TRY and figure out a holiday schedule. We are not confident mediation will do anything. The judge made it clear in court she wanted SO and BM to finalize a schedule, but the order doesn't send that message. We're pretty sure it's going to go back to the judge and that she will have no sympathy for SO. There is a chance he will get no additional school vacation time. 

If you have read this far, you are caught up on the last 4 years of this, and I really appreciate being allowed to tell my story as a partner and step parent. SO is not perfect, but he loves his kids and just want them to grow up happy. We are afraid that fighting for more time will affect home life with BM. We are also going through a lot of what ifs. What if we hadn't waited so long? What if we hadn't gotten a lawyer? What if we had just left it alone after the first time? 

There is really so much more to say that I could blog forever about. Thanks for reading