need a new idea!
Well I have read up on disengaging and thought wow that would be such an awesome idea. But now i am not so sure. You see sd wants me to not talk to her and I feel by disengaging she wins. I need another idea...something that will work and keep my mind at ease. Something that will really get to her. Any ideas?
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I don't really think
I don't really think disengaging is about purposely trying to get under your skids skin. I'm not familiar wih tour situation, though.
Yep it's about not being
Yep it's about not being drawn into their violent mood swings as well. So if SD is moping or angry, you go about your business blissfully, looking fulfilled and totally ignoring her crappy moods. If she should violate your personal space or property, that is where you firmly and swiftly CORRECT her.
I have come to the point
I have come to the point where disengaging just doesn't seem enough...I want out of this f***ing house to get away from her!!!! I can't stand her anymore!!
Dear Mommy of
Dear Mommy of 4,
"Disengaging" is learning a way to NOT let Skids ruin YOUR happiness...Not just not talking to them (but if not talking is what it takes...It may be your personal way of disengaging...)
I feel that disengaging is learning a way to not let others actions hurt you...it seems that ALL Skids are hell bent on making the lives of the steps hell....if you dont let the skids behavior/actions/lies affect you and your happiness YOU win!! To each their own...my way may not be your way...
For me I am working on an "new" way of living/enjoying MY life....(THANK GOD DH is working with me on this...it was even HIS idea! so it may be hard on us Steps with no/little support...) My SD13 is so vile and nasty that she makes my home life misery! She makes it very hard on me and LIES, LIES, LIES to her sap of a dad ALL of the time!!!...After 10 yrs of living with this vile child I think I have devised a new way to disengage... Her Dad told her that WE were fed up with her treatment of others and that HER DAD was taking over on the rules and everything concerning her...(I'm no longer rule maker, punisher, or responable for any other motherly duties) DH laid down the law to HIS Bratty Daughter...What HE expected of HER and HIS RULES concerning how she WOULD treat me and her step sisters...Now I'm just very pleasant to SD13 BUT I DO NOT go out of my way AT ALL for her...I write everything down in a journal (all SD13's actions and reactions...her mostly being nasty and ignoring me until about 15 min til DH is due home from work including pics/videos/voice recordings on my blackberry as backup)...then I give the report to my DH when he comes home....He has asked SD13 to treat me well and be respectable/pleasant to me at all times...Every night DH takes my report along with her comments/actions/reactions and he puts it ALL back in her face! DH is making her accountabe for ALL of HER actions and HER unwillingness to give him the respect of just being nice to me... so far she has not been able to treat me with respect or even be nice...But BEST of ALL her true persionality is SHINING through...DH can CLEARLY see through ALL of her nasty actions and doesnt feel the defensiveness a dad feels for his child when he comes home to his DD13 being punished...the best part is that I am not having to worry about her and her lies because DH is able to punish her and put her in her place totally based on HER actions! It is ALL on her now and the mean wicked stepmom (aka: ME!) is being nothing but nice ("nice" and "doormat" are not the same!)
It is still a work in progress...and YES SD13 has decided to make her "own" journal of what is "really" happening. In her journal SD13 is trying to blame Wicked StepMom and trying to make things appear different(aka lie about her own actions/reactions) These LIES are so obvious now!! DH can see right through her!!!!! This has been very benificial in many ways...DH can SEE the GAMES his DD is playing!! One thing to remember is that we skids have the savy that a SD13 doesnt..Emails to DH with times and such that dont match her account of her day...video/voice recordings on my BlackBerry that DH can listen to himself...No way now there can be she said she did...it is right there b4 DH and SD13 when need be...DH has used these recordings AFTER he listened to the WILD LIES laid out by SD13.....The look on SD13's face was PRICELESS when DH played the video of what REALLY happened and made SD13 watch after she SWORE she wasn't lying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank God I have the attention and understanding now from my DH who is scared that I am leaving him over his Bratty Spoiled Daughter....It took a huge wake up call on DH part but for me, DD18 and DD13 is has been a Wonderful past 3 weeks!!
Good luck!
DH won't friggin wake up!!
DH won't friggin wake up!! Its always me. I am so tired of it all. I just don't know what to do anymore!! Lucky for me, my SD13 is the exact same way!
10 LONG LONG years I have
10 LONG LONG years I have delt with this! I finally have had ALL I can take and told my DH I was leaving because I was DONE! If u dont make the DH wake up it will continue...I feel for you because you are from Canada....apply for your citizenship...Rock DH's world and mind! Dont be a victim of this kid's abuse.....you wouldnt put up with it if it were a neighbor's kid.....
Be STRONG!!
For me, it is in part not
For me, it is in part not talking to her. Everytime I talk to her, she is always rude and that just sets me off. she talks to me like i am beneath her. makes me nutty
I have my own personal way of
I have my own personal way of disengaging. I love my skids, but I don't want to get too attached to them. I'm afraid of getting hurt. I play with them and do "family" activities but I have taken away any hopes of them loving me or hugging me. If they do it's a bonus. If not it's ok. I leave all discipline to DH. For me it's all about the mindset. Sometimes I ind something else to do on a night they come over. I realize that it's ok for me not to love them as I would my own. Therefore it's ok for them not to live me as a mother figure.
I guess the way I see it is
I guess the way I see it is who cares how it affects her, does it help you? Does it make things better for you?
Alwaysanxious ...Huh? Does it
Alwaysanxious ...Huh?
Does it make it better for "me"? Disengaging is a way of not being hurt over and over by a mean step child!!! The skid NEVER EVER cares about anyone but herself and NEVER EVER will!! It is NOT about me....it is about preserving the "ME" I was B4 I married my DH and was forced to have to parent a MEAN NASTY HATEFUL BRATTTTTTTTTTT!! (did I say I have 2 other BEAUTIFUL LOVING CARING WONDERFUL skids!???? the SD13 bio siblings???? SO I AM NOT THE PROBLEM SHE IS!!!!!!!!!!!)
If that's not what you ment explain please......
I agree. Its funny because
I agree. Its funny because when I tell her that I don't wish to speak to her, she likes that. She would prefer I have nothing to do with her. But you are very right. But for me its not so much about preserving, but more like finding. I have totally changed. Having to deal with these evil spoiled entitled brats has made me resentful and angry. Thats not who I am. I have discussed this with my mother, who of course has never had skids, but she thinks i should kill them with kindness. sounds crazy but it would do me a lot of good because then she would have nothing to run to the MIL and cry about and wouldn't be able to start shit with DH and I. So I will politely answer yes or no when she speaks to me and be on my way. I need to save myself!!
I am tired of it always being
I am tired of it always being about the Skids and DH...now its about ME!!
when you find out how to do
when you find out how to do it, will you let me know? I could use the assistance
I guess I misunderstood the
I guess I misunderstood the post. If its about finding yourself again, well then that is different. I thought you were worried that disengaging wouldn't have the consequences for her that you wanted. But since disengaging isn't about her its about yourself then that wouldn't work.