I can never have it easy
No matter how hard I try, it is never good enough. My biological daughter turned 1 year old Monday. She is my first, so, of course, I went a little over board on her presents and her party. My mother came in to town to give me a helping hand. She also brought back my step-kids who have been gone all summer. Of course, my daughter doesn't remember them and we're having to get them both to get used to each other again. I was made to feel guilty because I wasn't trying to teach her about her half brother and half sister or trying to get her to learn their names.
All I heard from my mother during the party, who has no attachment to the step-kids, was 'That baby has too many toys' or 'I bet you wouldn't do a party like this for [step-kids' names].' I finally snapped back at her and said 'well, their mom can get off her ass and do it!!' I'm instantly the evil bad guy. To my mother, I should be taking 'ownership' of my step-kids. I'm not even a legal guardian! I have no legal responsibilities to them. Their mother lost physical custody, but still has joint legal. So, there is a line. Yeah, she never has them, but I can't adopt these kids. They are still NOT MINE!
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Wow,tough situation. I see
Wow,tough situation. I see both sides. But, no SParent has legal rights unless they adopt.
So, I deal with this by taking whatever rights I want, raising the SKid as my own and protecting his best interests they way I see fit until someone with stroke tells me I can't. Which has never happened by the way.
Blending a family is tough and anyone who says being a BioParent is tough has never been a SParent. You are both and with a 10mo old and a month away from a new born and two young Skids and you are a young woman yourself. I am a man and I can say without hesitation that you have bigger stones than I will ever have taking on what have taken on.
Give yourself a break and don't be too tough on yourself or your mom on this.
Don't sweat the "you wouldn't do this for your Skids" comment. Just relax, take a deep breath and commit to the Skids as you do your own and everything will turn out fine.
I became dad to my SS-19 when he was 1yo. I am his dad as you will be your Skid's mom. Insist on being an equity parent to your DH for your Skids, tolerate no crap from BM and consistently apply the houshold rules to the Skids just as you will apply them to your BKs.
Just my thoughts of course.
Congrats on the baby.
Best regards,
These kids are all of yours.
These kids are all of yours. BM's, DH's and because they are your DH's they are yours in a sense. What's his is yours yours is his since your married right? Especially since he has physical custody. Step mom doesn't mean not mom. It means Step M O M. Don't get caught up in the not mine. Biology doesn't mean much when kids need love and parental guidance. Your mom probably is trying to make this point and just going about it the wrong way. It is good that she is so accepting of them but maybe you can tell her that you understand her concern for them and appreciate it....but you are still getting use to having a bio and you need her support. Good luck.
"My mom tries to tell me what
"My mom tries to tell me what type of parent I'm going to be when I have my own, and how I'll treat them differently than I do SS6, and I think she's crazy. My potential future children WILL be expected to abide by the same rules SS6 does. The kids I take care of have to abide by those rules, so why wouldn't my own children?"
Well, I have to agree with your mom here. Most likely you will treat them differently, because it's natural. Their whining will sound different to your ears than your stepchild's. You probably won't get as upset at them for the same things that you get upset at your stepchild. When they fight, you will instinctually want to protect your own, no matter how much you care about your step. The rules may be the same, but the transgressions may be treated differently. Maybe you won't, but if you do, it would just be natural and I hope you'd be ok with that.
I do want to say though that
I do want to say though that the birthday party of a new baby who is just turning one is a big deal, and so what if the baby got a lot of presents!! Your Mom, while probably well meaning and does love you, should have kept that opinion to herself. You are excited because this IS your first baby! And congrats BTW!! There is no way to change that fact. And yes it's great that she thinks of the step kids as equals. With the BM out of the picture and them being young, that will help with your relationship with them.
And I'm sure you will have great parties for steps also -- I mean, how does your Mom know that you won't? She needs to take it easy on you, and let you enjoy having your first child already.
And stepfamilyfriend is right -- it is a little different with stepkids than your biokids, its hard for it not to. However, with them being so young, hopefully it won't be too much different. I know for me it's different just because I didn't really get to raise my skids, someone else did, and they have so many bad habits and discipline problems that I really dislike, and the disrespect at times bothers me. So yes, I do feel differently towards them because they treat me differently than my daughter does. My daughter treats me with love and respect, they don't. Well, they do when they know I'm giving them something (ie money).
Thanks everyone for the
Thanks everyone for the feedback. It's been a rough ride. My mother ended up leaving. My husband actually told her to leave after she made a few more comments that were over the line. The last thing she said, to my husband, was that she wanted to keep in touch with my step-kids. She isn't coming out for the birth of my 2nd child and didn't care to spend any time with my first while she was here. It ripped my heart out. I don't know why she can't love my kids as much as she's loved the step-kids. She says, because they were abused by their mother and her b/f, that they deserve special treatment. True, but that doesn't mean ignore your only biological grandchildren!
The kids' biomom had an 18 day supervised visitation with them this summer and I really saw a change in the kids' behavior. She has no problem bad-mouthing me to them and she has even scolded them for calling me 'mom' to the point of putting my step-daughter into tears (they have always called her by her first name). She e-mailed my husband a week ago and said that she "didn't realize how awesome the kids were" and "wanted to try and change for them"... Oh good... She still has a pending child abuse case on her, so I don't worry too much about her getting any custody at all. But, since her visit with them this summer, she has been a bit rougher and the kids seem to not respect me and my house rules like they did before the summer. I have a hard time trying to discipline them because they have gotten smart enough to tell their biomom I'm being 'mean' and pit her against my husband and me.
It's exhausting.. I have been with these kids full-time since the youngest was almost 2 years old - biomom has had no real time with these kids since then, other than the 18 days. I potty-trained them, I got them off a bottle, I sit with them and do their homework every night.. She can't say she's done any of that. I feel like I deserve more respect from her, but, with a lot of frustration, I know I'll never get it.