I'm coming at this from a bio-mom point of view..
The problems with daughter & Dad began when he got a girlfriend 1 1/2 yr ago now(moved in with thier Dad a few months after the kids new about her). Partly because "Dad" time now had to be shared with this other person..but more-so because HIS behaviour changed.
I'm coming at this from a bio-mom point of view..based on what the kids tell me and my own observations....
Initially ..the kids really really liked Dads' GF....son still does.. daughter has mixed feelings..(I think she likes her but is also jealous of her)
One day D asked her Dad for ice-cream..and instead of answering her..as he had done for 12 yrs..he turned away from her. Asked his new GF if SHE wanted ice cream.. (she declined)..then looked back at D and said "No, you can't have ice cream." Seemingly insignificant exchange...she's still PO ed about it. She took it as a slap in her face! Why couldn't he just answer the question..he put GF right in the middle. (Going for ice-cream together is something D & Dad did quite often prior to GF)
The kids complaint that when GF is home..they must eat meals as if they are "formal dining" even if its just burgers. But the rest of the time..our regular house ettiquette applies (we still expect please & thank you's, basic manners) They say "she says she doesn't care but Dad makes us anyway to try to impress her"
Before she moved in. He would stock up on fruits & vegetables for the weekends she would visit pretended he loved them. But when she left he would tell the kids "to take this home..I won't eat it..I'll go bad"
He got all up in my face on the soccer field last year..because I told him I had the soccer team pictures in the car. The coach handed them out last game (he wasn't there as usual)...GF was there so he had to "act tough" for her benefit. He starts going on ..in front of the kids, other parents, coach, etc "I paid for those..why do YOU have them..blah..blah" "They're in the car...that's why I'm telling you ... coach handed them out last game..you weren't there"
He walked right past the car...GF beside him..smirking over "I sure told her off!!" The sad thing is....he never bothered with the pictures..that DAY or EVER...he couldn't care less if he ever saw his son's pictures....it was about showing off for GF!!!! (The coach, etc. all think he's an asshole..he didn't impress the kids much either!)
For 4 yrs he rented a room at his sisters house....but when the kids went to visit him for the weekend. They didn't even stay with him. She sleep over a the neighbours with a friend and spent the weekends with her..not so much with her father. Same with my son, he didn't interact with his Dad much..he spent the ientire weekend playing with his cousin.
Now that Dad got his own place..moved GF in all the playing with cousins, friends, etc...STOPPED DEAD!! The rules for them changed..thay are expected to be with Dad and enjoy it DAMN IT!!!!
The worst "incident" b/w D & Dad happened in Feb. she was so bored at his place..there was so much going on at home..she wanted to know if they were doing anything interesting that weekend. He told her NO! So she said I'll stay home then...She handed the phone to brother..Dad told brother to bring your ski stuff. They went skiing the next day...he had it planned the whole time.. LIED to her about going!! She had "accused" him of being a liar many times..but I didn't pay too much attention to it..her age..drama..etc. WOW talk about your BOLD FACED Lie!!
He told me that he "won't have a 12 yr old blackmailing him into doing things every weekend". If she wants to come with him fine..if not too bad..she'll miss out if they do something...
He went skiing and didn't tell her OUT OF SPITE!!!!!
Then he lied about what was said...Again we were in the room for her end of the conversation...so I know he was lying about "attitude" .....
Him blowing off for visits then trying to make them feel guilty...
Their relationship is just deteriorating faster & faster......
We have no behavior problems with her, everyone likes her, she's polite, a good kid. Same with ADD son, he is not on meds for weekends, summers, and everyone says what a nice kid he is.
I have a childless couple set of friends who sail down south every winter on thier yacht, and have very nice things etc..not big on kids, cramps their style. We spent the day on board with them..they raved about the kids..what good manners they have, etc.. Said they are welcome to go sailing anytime!
So I just don't get..why he's having such a difficult time with them..
I get going..and just rant on and on...I've carried so much of this around for so long..... it just floods out once I start....
I'm sorry..
I can see how his actions frustrate the kids and drive them away....
Would it look different to me if I was the Step-mom or non-cusodial parent....?
Help me figure it out!
I don't like to see my children hurting!
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It is hard for me to truly
It is hard for me to truly relate and/or understand where you are coming from from a biomom’s perspective but I can say that I’m 100% certain that you only want what is best for your children NO MATTER WHAT….maybe your ex feel like he is being “used” by his daughter to do fun stuff and that is the reason for the lies…not a valid justification because he is the adult and she is the child…but we all know that emotionally a lot of men are still children in their own right…I think the way he is going about it is a childish tit-for-tat kind of thing but it might help to address that issue if that is at the core of things…If he’s putting on heirs for his new GF, he needs to get real, that cant last long and eventually his true colors are gonna show so there is no reason to put the kids in the middle of this façade to impress her b/c if he wants to keep her around he’s gonna have to come clean about who he truly is and if he doesn’t plan to keep her around, all the more reason not to involve the kids in this game! One thing that I do now is that kids are different depending on whose presence they are in because 1. They don’t have a clue who they are yet so they often become very chameleon like (I just turned 27 and it’s within the last 5 yrs that I’m settling into my true self) and 2. They have an uncanny ability to learn the “rules and boundaries” of each adult. My niece and nephew are a perfect example, they are HOLY TERRORS when their mom (my step-sister) is around b/c she is very lax with them, she “begs and bargains” with them (at the ripe old age of 3 and 6) to do what she wants, she’ll “ask” them 100 times to stop doing the same thing, etc, etc…now when they come to stay me and my husband, we don’t have the same problems out of them. When we say no, we give them a reason and that is the end of it….they know that they cannot beg, plead or throw enough fits to get me or my husband to changing our minds so I would say that if your ex has problems with the kids it is because of the way he parents them….I hope you find a solution or at least peace with this issue, I can only imagine the pain you feel seeing your kids hurting!
My fear is undue influence...
I don't want my feelings towards my X to contaminate their feelings towards him.....
For the first 3 or 4 years I did "damage control" when he would say & do stupid things that frustrated the kids and they didn't want to go with him. Like "Your Dad means well" or "He has a hard time explaing things" or "Keep trying to talk to him" and I would talk to him as well and try to make him see how what he was doing was ruining his relationship with his kids.
We had these arguments over & over again when we were married. I felt like I was always refereeing 3 siblings instead of raising 2 kids with a partner...
After he got a GF..I thought GREAT!!! She's a teacher...GREAT..she has child develepment courses..training..etc. PERFECT She can give him some much needed direction now... I'm done baby-sitting the DAD and doing damage control. That can be her job now!!!!
Do you know how many times over the last 5 years he has said...."Well I'm changing the way I deal with "son"." Then again next month "I'm changing the way I deal with ...son again." He is just so out of touch with them as human beings!!!! Being a parent doesn't come natural to him...he stumbles & bumbles through it..and the kids have no respect for him. And because of the childish things he says & does ... they have little respect for him as an authority figure..or at least I think that's part of it. (we all stumble & bumble to a certain degree..but he takes it to a whole new level)
I'm tird of doing damage control. Everytime I "fix" his messes..he turns around and goes right back into doing stupid things again...I'm loosing credibilty because I keep setting the kids up for more. "Give him another chance..etc"
I finally reached a point last winter...where I said.. "Look . I know he's hard to deal with.... I got tired of trying.. I left him...he's no longer my husband... BUT HE WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR FATHER your going to have to find away to deal with him.
I suggested counseling to him. But I know it will be me that will have to set it up.
I my gut reaction to all of this is.... Kids,IF you don't want to see him..don't!! His mess..he can fix it. Is that the right thing to do?
As an adult..I got tired & frustrateed with dealing with him..and left!! But I'm telling my children to be the adults and have patience with him....find a way to work out your relationship with him..etc. IS that fair to them??!!
Are they giving him a hard time because they know I don't like his ways....and they pick up on that..and act it out with him. Or is it because of him alone...
My head says..contact with both parents is what's supposed to be in their best interests.
Are they better off without his nonsense in thier lives? My daughter believes so.....
I don't trust my "gut" because I know I don't like him, I am biased, I don't like how he "deals" with the kids, I think he's a childish moron and I just as soon he be out of our lives. So I am I overcompensating by continuously trying to "fix it" and keep the contact...when maybe I shouldn't.
I hate guilt....
Since I'm the one who made the final decision to split up the "family" I worry about the effects everythinig has on the kids...I will feel responsible if they end up screwed up down the road.
He's such a screw-up...I feel like I have to work that much harder to not screw up...he's made so many errors ...I have no room for any. I don't want to have screwed-up, druggy kids..down the road.
(I've also been in the non-custodial household..and been on the other side of those dynamics..with SD's..and seen what the bio-mom's negative influence can do..and what having little time or day-to-day contact can do to a daughters relationship with Dad & GF. Difference is ..I've tried to foster not destroy my childrens relationships)
If my kids were a little older...I'd have no problem with them making the decision about time with Dad....
I'm just confused on what the best thing for them is.....
My father was/is an alcoholic...it's soooo important to me that my kids have the "normal" life I didn't have. To this day I am the "parent" to my mother..and I was left to figure out so many things on my own..to "raise myself"...
It just kills me that he is so immature..I don't want her in that role of being the mature..sensible one..when it comes to him..she needs to be a kid!!
My judgement is usually alot clearer..... there's many things clouding my judgement on how to handle daughter vs X issues....
SO I really do appreciate any unbiased opinions... Thanks
Wow, that must be hard!
I am marrying my BF in September, he has 3 kids, 6(g), 4(b), and 2(g). I don't think I would have much respect for my BF if he acted like that with his children. Even though there are times when I would rather they not be around, I wouldn't like to see him treat them like that. Especially since they are good kids and don't really cause much trouble (which sounds like your kids).
I guess it comes down to one thing........Do you think its more damaging to have their father in their life while he plays his childish games, or not to see him at all? When I was 6 and my little sis was 3, my parents sat us down to tell us that they were getting a divorce. I was a bit confused, but not that upset. They worked things out and stayed together (to this day). But I never forgot that they had told us about the divorce. After a while, I kept asking them about it, waiting for it to happen!(My father [biological] is a very difficult person. Completely unreasonable, volitile, we did not have a great relationship.) To this day, I wished they had gotten divorced. My mom says that it was better to have both parents in the household than splitting up. I disagree. Even living in the same house, I felt like I was raised by a single parent. My dad and I never bonded. We barely spoke. For me, there was my mom and that's it. I couldn't have cared less whether we shared the same space or not. Now, if he answers the phone when I call my mom, we say Hi, we discuss the weather, then he gives my mom the phone. Cordial, but still not close at all. Your children may benefit from not seeing him. But hey, that's just my experience.