OT unsure what to do or say
So it wasn't my finest hour and I am ashamed of myself and sorry about it all, and now I don't know what to do...
This is partially related to step life, as the fall out is unbelievable! :(
My brother left his marriage last year. He has full custody of his daughter.. since leaving he's had nothing but abuse from her whole family. You name it, false social services claims, false non molestation applications, he had his firearms confiscated while they investigated the claims.
The perpetrator of most of this was his ex sister in law. I'll call her Kathy. On top of all this when his ex wife got sick Kathy sent my brother reams n reams of hate. That it would be his fault if she dies. It was so bad he started to believe it his mh was battered so I politely messaged Kathy asking her to leave him be. What did I get? Reams of toxic hate, really personal abuse.
Now Kathy's daughter joined my daughters dance troop knowing we attend. Sunday there was a show in the park. This woman basically followed me around smirking at me for hours. By the time the event finished I'd seen red, and as we were leaving I did unfortunately verbally let fly at her. I'm not proud of it but I was goaded to the extreme.
I've been asked by the dance troop to attend a meeting tonight and have a feeling me and my daughter will be asked to leave:(
I've been told to ask for a witness statement and if there isn't one just keep your mouth shut. Will that hold?
I suppose I am feeling sorry for myself as this woman can spout the most evil toxic junk and when someone stands up to her off she goes again crying wolf.
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I should add
That when I received the meeting request , I know I'm not very good at public speaking. So I asked the lady , with my brothers permission, to email her the background as to why I reacted the way I did. She did thank me and said let's just have a chat tm, but then she also sent me the parents code of conduct
I have a feeling they are
I have a feeling they are going to give you a stern talking to and ask you to refrain from any future outbursts or you will be asked to remove yourself and your daughter from the troupe. If they were outright going to tell you to leave.. I think they would have drafted a letter and sent it to you.
They are reminding you of the code of conduct.. and maybe they may even suggest that you not stay during practice etc.. if you cannot keep your composure.. or maybe even for some "punative" time period.
In the end.. you know losing your cool with her was not particularly helpful to the situation.. it felt good for a moment.. but now you regret the loss of composure.
If you are allowed to continue with the troupe.. I would advise learning how to ignore.. treat her like a ghost.. no acknowledgement.. who cares if she is shooting googly eyes at you? if she is actively stalking and following you.. go to the person in charge and advise them that "I am doing my best to avoid EXSIL.. but she moves to be near me every time I change seats can you please ask her to give me my space?"
She wanted a reaction.. she got one.. and you should do your darndest to not give her the satisfaction of doing that ever again... be fake.. be sweet.. let her be the one to show her back end next time when her antics don't get a rise out of you. Bless your heart.. How nice.. How Sweet.. I can't imagine why you would say somethign like that.. all are great things to say.. practice what you will say.
It is not who wins by saying the cruelest thing.. the winner is the one who can successfully ignore the other person.
I get your frustration with her behavior.. but no reaction is the best one.
You have already made your case with them.. I don't think they will ask you to leave necessarily.. but they are going to ask how you can guarantee you won't be a problem again.
Thank you for your reply
I still have very mixed feelings about it all. I know for sure I shouldn't have done it after a dance event , period. But then equally I'm not sorry I stood up to the hate filled bully. She's one of these people who firmly believes she can say and do the most awful things and there are no consequences.
Half of me wants to eat humble pie to keep my daughters dance place ,but the other half of me wants to ask if she's receiving the same whatever punishment for following me around goading me when she had acres of field to stay away
On a side note I'm not even sure I should be opening my mouth any further in a meeting as I'm still half thinking the police will be in touch. She calls the police on my brother, and makes false allegations for fun .so I don't doubt she would do me the same courtesy
Hopefully you have some
Hopefully you have some evidence of her outbursts.. that you could show.
Otherwise.. the best is to just say as little as possible.. that she is making a big thing.. she is related to your brother's EX and she has a history of making issues up. (they should be able to see records of that).
Again.. I think when people are going to kick you out.. they will do it more quickly.. why bother giving you the code of conduct.. if they aren't trying to remind you.. if they wanted to kick you out.. they would have just cited it.. and told you to not come back.. probably without any meeting needed.
This is going to be a fustrating situation.. because she likely will try to pull it again.. if you have allys in other parents.. you could give them a quiet heads up to help you avoid her and buffer you.. no need for all the gory details.. a high level view is fine.
I do yes
I have several of the worst ones on screenshot
"She's one of these people
"She's one of these people who firmly believes she can say and do the most awful things and there are no consequences"
In that case, you can expect her to eventually go too far and shoot herself in the foot. Ignore her until she does.
There is a difference between
There is a difference between eating humble pie.. and making her look like a fool when you ignore her shenanigans.
Practice the "eye roll".. the "blank stare".. the "look of confusion" all non-verbal ways of saying "whatever" "you don't matter" "you are acting insane".
Thank you both
I was doing the eye rolling and moving away for a good hr. Until I finally gave her more than she expected
Even if we are allowed to stay I would potentially have to see this woman at events, or not go.neither option is appealing .given how she drove normally such a jovial man to consider ending things I do not wish to be in the same county as her let alone a room. No I have started applying for other dance schools. And I will explain it to my daughter. I'm just praying there's a silver lining, she missed her first grading due to a holiday and perhaps I can find a school who have yet to grade this year
Go on the defense when you go
Go on the defense when you go to talk with the board, bring not only the reams of verbal abuse “Kathy” has heaped on you, but also let them know that you will be filing a restraining order against her. Let them know you are the victim in this scenario. Explain to them that how after hours of her following you around as a way to intimidate you, you snapped out of fear and frustration.
I would print things she sent
I would print things she sent you and your brother if you have it. You can be honest and say that after dealing with her abuse for so long and her following you around trying to get a rise out of you- she won! She finally broke your wall. You will do you best to not allow it again.
I would also ask that her daughter be removed since your family has been with the organization longer and you feel that this was really just a ploy to make your lives miserable.
That's the sad part
When I saw her enrolling her daughter I was upset and probably should've raised it then, but then I thought it's not fair to deny her child this I bet she's excited
now I've probably gone and denied my own child her place.
I don't have a printer to hand but i have the screenshots ready to go
Tell them.
Since they are the. " parent control group ". It's there fault for letting SIL attack, belittle, ect you. That you are getting your lawer involved and will or may file a law suit against them. THEY can not let SIL to act the way sage acting. You hope they are calling SIL in for the same meeting.
I will quickly
Look into this, I'm not sure if I can do something like that in the UK but I'll look thank you
You do not need to explain
You do not need to explain any background, the less they know the better off you are.
Very simple: "I was at an event for my daughters performance. While attending, I had this lady whom I have prior family history with follow me and make aggressive gestures and facial expressions towards me. After ignoring the blatant harrassment for the entirety of the show and attempting to keep my composure in front of the other children as a mature adult, i was pushed to the edge. The person continued the harrassment and i responded verbally to my regret. I apologize for my actions and promise this wont happen again. If you are thinking of terminating my daughter based on this, I am requesting a full refund and will also be writing an online review detailing your lack of action towards abusive and agressive harrassing behavior during events"
You and your brother also need to file a protective order against Kathy for harrassment including threats of violence and injuries. Then you provide the order to your daughters dance troupe as a proot that this lady is a psycho.
Sad that you have to go through this but this is the only way to beat crazy narcs at their own game
Thank you
Sadly I already wrote a lengthy response last night. That may have not been a good idea then
guess i was hoping that it would explain why and that I don't usually go around speaking to others that way.
My brother is trying to get it dealt with his side, I did contact the police about what was said to me buy because she wasn't threatening me and blocks me each time she spouts more poison it's not really sufficient enough here to get her booked. I could go back to them about yesterday but if anything they'd probably see me as the aggressor on that one
You cant have her arrested
You cant have her arrested for threats unless you have clear proof she is going to act on it. You can get a protective order without any proof. A civil protection order is filed through courts and a hearing is set to establish whether your proof is sufficient to show harrassment/stalking. I would advise to go in that direction
I wouldnt worry too much about being excluded from the dance troupe but you need to make sure that they know your side of the story for that incident...