Crying and moving out.
Yesterday evening myself and dh were discussing mediation. He said that the lady said can you not talk to the ex at all? It's going to cost a fair bit of money to enforce boundaries. He understands she meant there's no big other deals to sort out like finances, but if we take ss phone he will stop wanting to come n other dramas. We've asked the ex nicely, not so nicely we get ignored... But we will email her one last time..
Before we had chance to do that we get a message from step son saying daddy I won't be coming this weekend I am staying at my friends. Honestly I don't believe me bursting into tears of rage was an over reaction. It is dh birthday Monday so Sunday I have booked and paid for sealife centre and a posh meal. Ss was told this several times in week and I was about to include the fact he'd be back late in the email. It was totally obvious to me that it is in fact that the ex and her bloke want a weekend away and are palming ss off on a friend. It's also obvious that she would not forget when dh birthday is after 14 years together. I demanded her number and text her myself, that I have paid for ss to go on a trip for his dad's birthday. She said I wasn't told. I don't know how I didn't just ring her n rip her head off at that. Contact is Sunday, we don't need to inform you of what we are doing, you've now ruined a surprise by deliberately altering it to suit yourself at short notice!!!!
Hubby and I went to bed shattered, I cried he cried, I said I can't do this anymore every special event is ruined by that woman. I'm leaving. We are both devastated but unless or until he stands up to her I'm getting a place of my own. I'm so sad, I love him so much, but I just can't go on like this and I also can't stop crying
- Lifer33's blog
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Why can't DH just say, "No,
Why can't DH just say, "No, son, we have plans, I'll be there to get you at the usual time." Why is a child allowed to decide whether or not he comes over?
And of course BM ruined it on purpose, and she got just the reaction she wanted from you.
Stop planning anything on SS's time. Or ff you want to do fun things with SS, don't tell him about it, and plan it on a time that won't make sense to BM - ie, plan a birthday outing a month later or two weeks before, or something like that.
But most of all, both of you have to stop giving BM such an extreme reaction to her games. She wants to make you miserable and control your lives.
My DH did stand up to BM but she still found a way to ruin everything. We learned not to tell SS anything about what we were planning. We eloped, but had a dinner with family and a few friends about 6 months later. SS didn't know anything about it until he got to our house the day of the dinner, because if he had known, he'd have told BM and she would have made sure he didn't come over.
I don't blame you for leaving - but if you stay, it is possible to learn not to care so much.
My brother and friends
Have said everything you've said since too. I know you are all right but I don't think hubby is going to ever make a hard enough stand. Bro said you take that phone off the boy everytime until you want him to have it (he won't wanna come) well then you drive over there beep the horn or knock the door n tell him to get in the car!! All things I would do. But of course I can't, hubby won't n all I see is years of this or leave
The the alternative is to
Then the alternative is to stop including SS in important events, and expect BM to do what she's doing. Focus on your own kids and accept that SS is likely lost to your family. I know that sounds cruel, but it will give you peace of mind. No more planning events on SS's time so he can be included, etc. What happens to SS is up to your DH, so let him deal with it as he sees fit and let it go. It doesn't sound like your concerns are based on caring a lot about SS so much as having BM disrupt your lives.
When my SS was alienated for 3 years, we finally had peace and quiet, no more BM. Yes, it was hard for DH, but eventually he found peace in the situation, too. Even with my DH being tough with BM and SS, she still managed to disrupt our lives - until SS stopped coming over, and her weapon was lost.
Yes you're right
Thank you. I feel sad for my husband and daughter who would like to have him included so I kept trying just for bm or ss to mess things up.
I care about ss and his feelings but after recent weeks I've began to feel that this 'anxiety' he supposedly has isn't true anxiety, but rather upset to ever being told no, told off, or basically not getting his own way. They both disrupt our lives so much now I'm starting to care less and less.
Yes, I cared about SS at
Yes, I cared about SS at first too. Fast forward 10 years and it would be hard for me to care less. He and BM are one toxic package deal, even now that he's 20. He's still enmeshed with her and doing nothing with his life. Thankfully DH doesn't want much to do with him either.
Stop trying to include him for your sanity. Your DD can see him when he comes over, and your DH will have to deal with his own feelings.
I completely agree with
I completely agree with everything Tog said. I often noticed that if I planned anything with SD in advance her mom would have something else planned that day all of a sudden. Don't let her ruin your time! That's her goal.
One time we planned a weekend trip to an amusement park that's a few hours away SD knew in advance and we told BM too. We got a friend to watch our 3 dogs which was hard to do and planned on staying in a hotel and going shopping at an outlet mall. The day before we were supposed to leave SD said she couldn't go because BM was having her babysit her friends younger kids. So I totally get why your upset but you know what we had a blast on our own.
That was the last time I ever planned anything with SD. Do your own thing and don't include steps. If you want to try to include your make the plan flexible so it isn't a big deal if they do/don't come.