Am I nuts or are there some boundary issues here with the BM?
Let me start by saying that I in NO WAY think that there is ANYTHING whatsoever between my DH and his ex-wife. But several things make me uncomfortable.
1. DH has gone to get his haircut. He gets his haircut at the place where BM is a receptionist. He gets it done very cheaply, but still. I don't like it.
2. I work 3rd shift, and a few weeks ago, I woke up in the evening to BM and her boyfriend drinking beer and watching football with DH and SS. No one asked me what I thought. She was just there. DH said,"Well I had too many hamburgers grilled so I invited them over."
3. BM texts DH all the time about whatever. Things that have nothing to do with SS. Things about life, funny stories or things that happened to her, whatever. DH does NOT do the same thing. He'll just say "OK" Or "haha" or something like that. It still irks me.
4. When we lived in an apartment, BM would come over to our apartment pool to go swimming all the time.
The whole thing is so confusing b/c it's like every one like to act all non-chalant like there is no beef going on here. In reality:
1. She ditches SS8 on her parents daily when she has him. She has to be out getting wasted at all times.
2. She cheated on DH thus ending their already broken marriage.
3. She always tells SS how mean DH is. She also says tons of inappropiate things to SS. For example, one time she was stuck in a city about 2 hours away partying her ass off, and told SS on the phone that she couldn't come home b/c DH wouldn't give her money (She wanted child support early. She asks for it early pretty much everytime). So SS freaked out and cried that his Mommy couldn't come home and it was all DH's fault. ??!?
Those are a teeny sampling of the constantly confusing situation. Is she some cool chick that we've got no beef with or is she a crazy bitch of a BM?? I don't get it. But I can't do both. I tried to be all "cool" with her for years b/c I didn't want to be that new chick coming in and hating on everyone and being jealous and all that. I wanted so badly for us to have some awesome situation where everyone got along. But, for real, that is simply not possible in the land of divorce.
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Comments
no problems !
What I read was your dh has 0 respect for you or your feelings. Disfunctional is the underlying tone. Why is it ok to fratinize with her in your home without your prmission or your presence? How does this affect the kids? Confusion and I see trouble brewing in the future beyond your comprehension now. Try to make him understand how disfunctional this is, set your rules and if he don't like it-well he can go live with them. All he is doing is hurting you and the kids....
You are right, major boundry issues!!
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
i wouldnt be comfortable either
amicable and being civil for the sake of the kids is one thing but this is quite another.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Yeah take it from me too
My DH still has BM cut his hair. We had to deal with all the emotional enmeshment crap with BM too in the beginning. A lot of this has been resolved, but the haircut thing still bothers me. I chose to not deal with this one since there were already so many other issues to deal with.
Stepwitch is right.
"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac
you're not nuts, they are!
You sound like you're having reasonable feelings to inappropriate situations. Seriously, if you feel icky inside from what's going on, then it is definitely wrong, bad, and not ok. It doesn't matter who's a cool chick or what's supposed to be the 'norm'...if you feel bad inside about it, then it's not ok.
I have to give you huge credit. I have similar boundary issues with the bm. Because she was such a dirtbag to start off with, I have come to loath her very existance on this planet. I didn't intend to be like that, and I never wanted to...but you get pushed so far and you finally say enough is enough.
If you can cope with things as they are then good on ya. I can't, and we've had huge fights over it all. So, I've decided that in the new year I'll be finding a new life w/o H or the bm and all the drama. I'm tired of that sick feeling inside over their enmeshment. And H can explain it until he's blue in the face...my feelings are my feelings...and if I don't feel good at home, and don't feel good that we have a good life w/o bm being all up in it, then I'm going to exercise my option to leave.
I hope you fair better than I have done and that somehow you can get boundaries in place. I've tried and they seem to be much better, but the pain and resentment from ages of bm-crap has left me angry, bitter, resentful and just plain unhappy.
Maybe you'll have a better go of things...I hope so very much.
Hugs