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Kayhenwal69's picture

Submitted by Kayhenwal69 on Tue, 09/27/2011 - 3:00pm

I am new here and will probably blog from time to time. Right now I am about to pull myself apart. DH has been divorced for over 7 years. We just got married in June. A part of me is afraid to blog and unload my feelings, because he is such a good man and I really feel deep down that it is my own selfishness. But sometimes it is so hard not to get resentful.

How do you handle the resentment of always being second, even on your wedding day/honeymoon??? Kids are young adults and yes we took them on the honeymoon, because Husband felt it was the last time we all will take big family vacation for a while. I was okay with it because I truly believed that I would be his focus for one week since they are young adults, but that isn't quite how it happened. (we won't even go into scheduling massages for him and his son at the spa and totally leaving me out on my honeymoon!!)

Comments

Soon-to-be-Step-Mommy's picture

Submitted by Soon-to-be-Step... on Tue, 09/27/2011 - 3:08pm

Ok I would NEVER have agreed to take the kids on the honeymoon. No way. No how. That being said the only thing I have found that has helped me deal with resentment is time. Don't get me wrong it is still there sometimes. (Like right now because I just found out that we are keepng SD an extra night when I was really looking forward to a relaxing night) But it has gotten better over the years. DH and I have only been married since May, but we have been togtehr almost 6 yhears. I would say the first 4 years I struggled with major resentments and jealousy. It is still hard for me to think about the fact that I am probably still # 2 to SD. I often wonder what it will be like when I bear his children. Will we all become equal? Or will he still put SD before us because of his deep rooted guilt?? It is just plain tough being a step mom. So many conflicting emotions. You shouldn't beat yourself up over the way you feel. It is normal and a lot of us feel the same!! Human nature.

Cocoa's picture

Submitted by Cocoa on Tue, 09/27/2011 - 3:32pm

the only thing that will get you over resentment is speaking up and not accepting second position. if you come second to anybody it's because you allow it. resentment grows with time and will kill your marriage. set the record straight now because you will be miserable if you do not.

shielded2009's picture

Submitted by shielded2009 on Tue, 09/27/2011 - 4:04pm

I think your resentment is founded...

IMO, no way should the kids come first...YOU come first...

JMO...and how I live my life...

ThatGirl's picture

Submitted by ThatGirl on Tue, 09/27/2011 - 4:35pm

I'm with the others, no way would I have involved skids in my honeymoon. Heck, I don't even want to marry until they are all grown and on their own.

Doubletakex3's picture

Submitted by Doubletakex3 on Tue, 09/27/2011 - 4:46pm

I'm embarrassed to admit that I sometimes watch Millionaire Matchmaker. A point she consistently makes on the show is that the first date sets the tone for the entire relationship. I can't help but wonder if your conceding to turning the honeymoon into a family vacation has set the tone for the future. It sounds like there was a pre-existing dynamic that was unfortunately reinforced by allowing the skids into your sacred time.

An intervention / about-face may be in order to reset boundaries with your DH and the skids. I can't give advice how to overcome the resentment of being #2 because I'd refuse to be a marriage like that (and, in fact, I did). And, I'm guessing your DH wouldn't want to be in a relationship where's he's #2 either. Is he open to counseling?

Know that you are not alone. This is a very common issue with steps.