Need objective and honest opinions
After speaking to my therapist on Saturday about my jealousy issues, one thing she made me understand is that some of my issues could be jealousy, but some could be genuine concern with an inappropriate situation. She said when I am facing a situation that makes me feel "jealous" to step back and observe it from an "outsider's" point of view. For example, SD8 stroking FH's chest hair while sitting on his lap on the couch...if I were a neighbor or a family friend, would I feel uncomfortable seeing this? Looking at it this way, in this situation, I can honestly say that YES, I would think it was a little creepy if I were watching this from an outsider's point of view. So I see now that there ARE situations that are not based ONLY out of my jealousy, but more out of concern for how abnormal they are. And in these situations, it is not only ok for me to speak up and tell him that the situation makes me uncomfortable, but it would be a disservice to both of them if I DIDN'T say something. They need to both be clued in about inappropriate behavior.
Some aren't so clear cut though. For example, I had a 3 hour trip over the weekend to pick of BD14 from her dad's and when I got back, I walk in and FH is sitting on the couch on the laptop. SD8 is sitting really close next to him, and his left hand is resting on her bare knee. And not just for a moment. It was there as I brought things in, put away clothes and suitcases, and finally sat down (on the opposite couch). Would anyone else think this is a little weird? Maybe that is just jealousy.
I talked to FH about what I talked to the therapist about and I totally expected him to be defensive and tell me how ridiculous this was, but he actually just said Ok, that makes sense. Whether he is going to try to start actually setting some boundaries or not is to be seen, but I was at least glad that he didn't completely put up a wall about it.
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Wow....
I never felt jealous, but it always did creep me out a bit to see the Sds scratching DH's back, things like that. I would view it as creepy myself!
THAT IS CREEPY
I 100% agree with you. That stuff is just gross and so so so very weird. I'm the biggest Daddy girl on the planet and we never did anything like that. That is so weird.
I guess it depends on the person.
I lay next to my two year old and rub anywhere on her I can touch!
She's so precious it's just adorable when I run my fingers across her tummy, knees, arms, face, and get her all tickley. Of course, she's 2.
My stepdaughter gives the best massage I've ever had in my entire life. Every time she comes over she makes me make noises so much that DH thinks I have a guy in the room with me. She does it to him to! It feels so good and doesn't cost a dime!
I don't know if the hand on the bare knee thing would bother me. I'm very affectionate though, and I am with my kids and expect them to be with me to. My step daughter is alot bigger than me.....me 5'4 130 lbs, her 5'8 235 lbs. Sometimes I'll jump on her lap and hug and smooch her. She always laughs at me like I'm nuts, but that's why I do it, to get a rise out of her.
I guess it really just depends. Is your DH really affectionate with everyone in his family or just SD?
~All you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust~
Well that's part of my jealousy....
He's NOT very affectionate with others, not even me. He's not completely cold to me, but sometimes I feel like he does just the minimum in order for me to not whine about how little affection he gives me. He DOES sometimes put his hand on my knee when we're sitting on the couch together, but I truly believe he has an unhealthy obsession with his little angel...thinking and talking about her nonstop. He put on his Facebook profile yesterday (Fathers Day) that he laid in bed with her (that morning) and just stared at her for a long time and smiled. On one hand I think that's cute, but on the other hand...he NEVER does that to me and not only that, but I never see any one of my (or his) friends post anything that gushy. It's one thing to be crazy about your kids (I am about mine) but he's just obsessed.
Edited to say...SD8 doesn't sleep with us. She had crawled in the bed with us early yesterday morning, but that was a rare occurrence (I didn't complain since it WAS fathers day). No...I HAVE drawn THAT line. lol
I'm sorry JoJo, that must be hard if he's not
very affectionate with others, especially you.
But for the record, I'm obsessed with my daughter to. She's my whole world. I know already if something ever happend to DH and I, I would have to stay single until the day she's grown and gone! But again, I'm just as loving with everyone else in my family as I am with her. Okay maybe her a little bit more! But my DH certainly isn't lacking affection from me....I think that's the problem you are facing. If he was that way with you then you would just know it's him. But for him to be like that with her ONLY makes the mind reel.
~All you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust~
You make some great points BLM...
I will be sure to mention these things to FH when this issue comes up again. I feel 100% confident that these things are totally innocent...I know in my heart that nothing sexual would EVER happen from these things. I think he's just so attached to her that he can't stand to let her grow up and gain some SPACE. What you said is what the therapist said (which I also relayed to FH)...she said that there are certain types of physical touch that starting around the age of 8 or 9 begin to elicit sexual feelings in adolescents. When her daddy is lightly stroking her arm or back, HE doesn't have any sexual feelings from it, but SHE naturally will. She won't understand exactly what they are...but they are those tingly feelings that you may remember getting at that age when you saw something sexual in nature...you didn't know what it was...you just remember that feeling you got. She said that this can cause a great amount of confusion if these feelings are coming from her father. My BS18 also told me recently how uncomfortable SD8 makes him feel...she recently nuzzled up to his neck and stroked his arm softly and kissed his neck. He pushed her away and told her to stop and said it just creeped him out. So you are very right in that it's not just her daddy that she feels she can do this to, which should be a cause of concern for him.
okay, thats just gross. This
okay, thats just gross. This girl needs to be taught proper behavior, she is not a baby anymore. This behavior is not normal and I think anyone would be uncomfortable witnessing it!
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
About the affection thing
We had a similar situation in our home. FH and his daughters are extremely physical by nature. My daughter and I are not. I had to adjust to FH's style but I know he still wishes I were more physically affectionate with him.
But regarding his daughters, I noticed something interesting; they would demand hugs and hang all over him more often when in the presence of my daughter and I. Even I was flattered at first when they still liked me and wanted to hang all over me (though I put a stop to it simply because it made me feel uncomfortable). But when I started training my puppy, I realized this was more about possession than affection. When two alpha dogs compete, the one who does the most touching wins. SDs were using physical touch to claim FH as their own. They would even look up to be sure we witnessed them laying claim. Seeing a 16 year-old girl try to climb into "Daddy's" lap just made me sick.
This is the root of our problems with SDs. They regard their father as their possession. And not having any real instruction on sharing the competition is fierce.
JoJo~
I think it is all about perspective and how people were raised.
SD's are very affectionate with DH, as well as me. They will stand behind him when he is at his desk and trace patterns on his head or if he has just shaved it, rub their hands back and forth (it feels like velvet). SD12 will trace his tattoos with her fingers and will poke him in the belly. I have also seen YSD play with his chest hair, cause she thinks it's funny that he has "fur."
I don't see any of the behaviors you named in this post as innapropriate, but some people obviously do. We're a cuddly bunch in our house. We hug, kiss, snuggle, rub backs, etc. In our house these behaviors are normal.
~ Formerly ToTheEdge. I have stepped down from the ledge.