"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

that Sd's wanted to stay here Thurs. & Frid. nite. Excuse me? H sees his darlings every time he is home. I rarely see my son, and my son and I had already arranged for him to stay here-it's a 5 hr drive for my son, only 30 minutes for H's darlings.

Small house. One bathroom. I was and am so pi$$ed. So I talked to my son, told him he's getting the room upstairs (queen size bed) and sd's can share the basement bedroom. It has a twin bed in it, but we have a trundle. One can just sleep on that. This is my sons home-he and I lived here together long before H and I were together. So, know what? I will cook what my son likes. The TV will be on the football my son watches. And H and his darlin's can either deal with it or leave.

I understand your frustration, but at the same time...if you had a child from a previous marriage and happened to not have custody, would you feel hurt if your husband got mad that your child was coming even though it was not your weekend? I have a son from my previous marriage, so my husband is his stepdad. I do have custody, but if I didn't & I was able to get extra time with him and that pissed my husband off, I would be very hurt. On the other hand, I understand your frustration with plans being cancelled & him already saying yes before talkig to you about it...I'm sure you feel like he's breaking plans with you for his daughter, therefore putting his daughter before you. But I doubt your husband feels like spending time with his daughter is "babysitting" for BM. You don't babysit your own child. So, no you're not wrong to feel that way, feelings are never wrong, but your husband probably got his feelings hurt by your feelings. Couldn't you guys pick her up (or have BM drop her off) then go shopping for everyone's presents except SD's? Just take her with you?

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"

*she had her plans firmly in place (she's probably a "planner")
*BM called (again)
*DH beckoned without first consulting Jen
*this is probably an established "pattern" between BM and her DH
and Jen feels like she is always placed in "second position"

Did I get any of this right, Jen?

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

I'm militant now-so my viewpoints tend to be slanted. Actually if H and his hadn't been treating me so horribly, I'd probably feel a little different.

But it's still totally ridiculous for his d's to spend two nites here, in this little house, when my son, who is rarely here, is visiting. Not when their home is only 30 minutes away.

H expects me to constantly put out for his d's, for his mom, etc., but obviously doesn't feel that way about my son, my family. So my poisoned vewpoint continues to be - f'em.

Jen - it is not fair that your plans get changed simply because the little princess decided she wants to come to Daddy's house. I would explain to your DH that in the future he is not to agree to any additional weekends until talking to you first.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

5teens on this one-especially the fact that

*this is probably an established "pattern" between BM and her DH
and Jen feels like she is always placed in "second position"

It is as hard to break the entrenched parenting patterns between DH/BF's and BM as it is to assert your boundaries when it comes to DH/BF's and skids-

For me it meant sitting down (over and over again) reiterating calmly that I count in the mix and need to know about ALL plans that affect me and the new household - took awhile but it finally sunk in-

It helps to remember rule 2 & 3 of Stepparents rules and sit down with SO and explain them (over and over again (kind of like training of Pavlov's dogs)

2. I will be a part of the decision making process in my marriage and family at all times.

3. People outside the immediate family, including ex-wives, in-laws, or children cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.

Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!

I do have children from a previous marriage and if I had an oppurtunity to see them OUTSIDE of the regular time and had made other plans with my SO the respectful thing to do is to talk with my SO before I committed.

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

I'm so in agreement with your rules. Now if only anyone besides me thought they were reasonable.

I have never been consulted about Sd's coming over here. The three leeches make their plans, and H informs me as to what they are when he is in the mood to do so. To the extreme of H and his ex and SD17 deciding that SD13 will live with me-without even consulting me, asking me.

And that's one of the myrid of reasons this isn't working.

I think most of can agree that this is one of the reoccuring themes in life as a visitation, EOW, or joint custody SP. Weak willed, guilt driven bio-parents seem to agree to a change in plans or a change in schedule without consulting the better-half. It always pisses me off. I'm totally a planner and I usually have something in mind for any SK-free weekends, especially around the holidays. While I do understand that my BF would like to see is SD more, he also needs to understand that I don't and my life doesn't revolve around his kid. It is about balance, if I know he's missed a few visits and he's consulting me about the plans and we can compromise, then I can deal with an extra visit. If I don't get the courtesy and respect of having my wants and needs respected (without the stupid retort of you just don't like SD/SS) then it won't be a happy visit for anyone. I think going over the stepparent bill of rights quarterly should be something bio-parents are required to do and agree to.

How much would Grandma charge you to leave SD w/her while you go xmas shopping?? I agree, he could have said, ok.. Friday night.. no Friday morning.... Its a matter of consideration, and I am sure that melis would feel VERY different should she have her ss EOW w/her dh changing plans randomly for bm... ESP given that we know she is angry that ss isnt "really" dh's kid.

Jen, I am w/you.. you should have been consulted BEFORE the plans were changed, not after. I have had this same battle. Dh is getting better at it.. still not 100% yet.

How much would Grandma charge you to leave SD w/her while you go xmas shopping?? I agree, he could have said, ok.. Friday night.. no Friday morning.... Its a matter of consideration, and I am sure that melis would feel VERY different should she have her ss EOW w/her dh changing plans randomly for bm... ESP given that we know she is angry that ss isnt "really" dh's kid.

Jen, I am w/you.. you should have been consulted BEFORE the plans were changed, not after. I have had this same battle. Dh is getting better at it.. still not 100% yet.

Ok...that might be a little overly emphatic.

It's about boundaries, not whether we want our DH's to see their children on a holiday. And it's about our DH's prioritizing their marriage once in a while.

You had PLANS. It's like a date. And he disregarded them without even consulting you. That is just plain wrong. This wasn't an emergency, BM's not in labor and in need of DH to have SD so she's not alone at home on Thanksgiving. This is about BM being selfish and lazy on her scheduled holiday. Sometimes, we have to do something against what our kids want. And learning to compromise and not always having their way, is an important life skill they need to be taught. By us.

My DH would NEVER. Uh-uh. NO WAY.

Only in an emergency, or if there was no other choice because BM is crazy in my case and will drop SD off, on a night she agreed to keep her, or simply not even show up to pick her up without even calling to let anyone know. If we are out, she would leave SD at a friend's and we may not even find out til the next day when SD walked back home.

DH can't help those times. But when BM tries to pull crap like this and does consult him? The answer is always NO. We have plans (even if we don't.) BM in my case in totally irresponsible and tries to get out of her time with SD all the time. If we didn't tell BM no she would likely go down to having dinner with SD once or twice a month. And that's not fair to anyone, most of all SD. They have now formed a completely friend/buddy/aunt/niece type relationship now. BM still has SD's loyalty as her mom, but BM does nothing to mother SD.

It also creates this problem where our SKs think they can do whatever they want without consulting us first. We are at their beck and call. Say they are mad at one parent over not giving them something. If this pattern of them negotiating with that parent or DH, without any regard for what your plans were, then they can announce they are not spending a holiday or scheduled weekend there out of spite, or because DH won't give them consequences (or BM either way they can work it.) If you don't nip this in the bud, that's what will happen. Emotional blackmail/manipulation. BMs teach it well. And SKs are trying to survive, and control the situation because they feel abandoned, or that instability and the need to control something etc. You can sympathize with them, but that doesn't mean you need to enable them.

And BTW. BM dumps her time with SD back on us all the time, because she doesn't want to/ can't relate to SD. And we say no every time she tries to do that now that it's becoming a rarity for her to have her. BUT SD will still rationalize that BM is just so important and busy, I'm just sitting here doing nothing better anyway, and that I'm the selfish one (or DH and me) because we had plans to have a night without her for a date. (SD is almost 14 but due to self harm and other issues we cannot just leave her at home like we could my sons.)

You are completely right to be upset with him. (Why can't I ever just say that without the vent? )

I am so sorry to hear your weekend plans have fallen through. I would grab my best GF (or fellow SM!) and head out to Black Friday from 4 am til Saturday if it was me!

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

How about all the time? The DH needs to prioritize the marriage ALL THE TIME!

And nothing should be agreed upon until (Jen) is notified AND AGREES. If she doesn't agree, no go.

Just my two cents,

MJ24

I hear that!! These skids and the BMS' do not dictate what goes on in our home and do not dictate our schedules - period!! I don't care if it's an inconvenience for them or if they think I don't like them or want them in my home - if it is not our weekend they can stay their a**** at home with Mommy Dearest!! I don't need to spend anymore time with them than I already do....

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

Jen, did you ask him about the priority being getting pregnant?? Did you ask him how having sd would help further that cause. That its only a small window for this to occur each month, and to be picking up extra weekends on those days is not helping?

I do agree, grandparents shouldnt charge to watch their grandkids... if they have a child that is abusing those favors.. i could see it.. maybe .. like you go out EVERY weekend night.. from Friday til Sunday.. but, that isnt the case.

I would continue the silent treatment.. let him see which is worse, disappointing BM or disappointing Jen. He lives w/you.. so it shouldnt be too hard for him to see which is worse.