When husband and I were dating, I babysit SD for him while he went to college at night. She was fine with that because I was just the babysitter. She actually behaved for me. So I was very familiar with the situation before we got married. HOWEVER, what I did not see was the dynamic when it was just the two of them. For all intents and purposes, she was/is his wife. He gives her feelings more consideration than he does mine, because he sees her as more fragile and more in need of understanding. With shared custody, he could dedicate himself full-time to her while she was there and do the necessary stuff when she was with her mom.

When I came on board, suddenly I was a live-in maid. He dropped all household duties (cleaning, laundry, etc). This gave him MORE time to devote to SD (I was too busy trying to keep up with the mess and work full time). Then, BM moved an hour away and we went from one week with SD, one week without to SD with us majority of the time. Nobody asked me if that was OK! And that was essentially the beginning of the end for our marriage. We're still married, but it will never be the same again. He senses that but blames it on me being moody and not being understanding. Ack.

the biggest disagreements i have with my fiance are over his daughter and the unequal way he treats her vs his son. She can do no wrong - earlier this week i asked her to do something she didn't want to do and she got up to do it and blew raspberries at us. i was shocked. the only thing he did was ask her if she was feeling ok. she said no and he said, well sometimes when you don't feel well, you are grouchy. you shouldn't do that. no apology, punishment - she even got to stay up late. he said "it's not like she gave you the finger and said F$%K You - my reply was that it is the 8 year old equivalent.

thankfully, my fiance does listen to me and i was VERY angry over this. after two days i was still mad and i finally got through to him why that stuff has to be nipped in the bud. she's 8! not even hitting puberty yet for heavens' sake. anyway, i told him that if he wasn't going to stand up for me in regards to her, i would take care of it myself and he probably wouldn't like my way of doing things.

i am a firm believer in sticking up for myself and my place in MY OWN HOUSE. it causes disagreements, sometimes, but he always knows where i stand.

I wouldn't tolerate that from mine or anybody elses child so why would it be okay from a step child.

I have to be the first to admit that I am an indulgent father. But before I met my ex gf my daughter did her homework; her room was clean; she was polite; she was (and is) a good child although both her mother and I have spoiled her.

I moved in with the ex gf and I will admit she did the laundry -- but when she was at night school twice a week I picked up her boys from school. Fed them and made sure they did homework. I did not do laundry, but I would frequently take them out to eat (we ate out a lot). I arranged for a lady to come in and clean the house once a week -- she didn't clean it nice enough (for the ex gf) so I stopped having her come in and clean and that lady now cleans my office. The ex gf had a dog and cat in the house and in winter brought in the outside dog. The inside dog is 16 years old and frequently loses control of her bladder and poops all over the place.

At my apartment now -- my daughter has a clean place to live. I expecet her to keep her room clean (and she does) and help with the dishes. She is respectful to others and a good person.

I think you can't chracterize fathers and daughters that way -- I think the tendency might be for more fathers to "let things slide" but not everyone who is a father doesn't follow through on their parenting responsiblities -- just like every BM is not an evil person.

We all make our own choices in life, some are good and some are bad.

Kevin

he went from having his son 50/50 to FT so you think I'd have known the kid before DH & I married, however, DH's mother thought it was good practice for DH to put me on the back burner while Precious was with his father so I only saw my DH on the weekends that Precious was visiting his mother. So we went from dating constantly to next to nothing.

Not knowing this kid, I had to rely upon what my DH & former MIL told me about him. So, as you can guess, he was the Miracle Child of the Northern hemisphere. I was truly blessed to be getting such a wonderful, helpful, respectful, kind, loyal, well-mannered boy. HA! He's mean, rude, inconsiderate, disrespectful, ill-mannered, and never has had to do a chore or a bloody thing for himself. He makes me insane. Yes, my DH, his BM, GPs are to blame for this and his poor upbringing.

I knew when I married DH that he had a son, I just never knew he was an invalid. I also knew DH didn't want anymore children because he didn't want to do the diapers, bottles, crying, burping, throwing up, constant care, all nighters, etc. anymore. No wonder! He's still doing it for his 12 y.o. son!

You have got to stick up for yourselves when it comes to time with, and behavior of, your skids in YOUR OWN HOUSE! Do NOT become a doormat for your skids, or let your DH take advantage of your generosity and dump his kids on you. I agree, we cannot prepare for every challenge that comes our way when we marry someone with kids, I know I couldn't, but I would never let it get to the point where the skids were living with us most of the time and I had not been consulted on the decision, no way. There has to be compromise, always, discussions about everything, especially living situations. YOur DH is responsible for his kids, not you, you can love them and cherish them but they do not become yours over his just because you married him. My skids do spend more time with us now that we have gotten together, however, it was all discussed beforehand, and if ever I have an issue with an "extra day or two" that DH is suggesting, we discuss it, I will not be railroaded. Thankfully, my DH is supportive and understanding, but I believe this can be achieved in any relationship where there is mutual respect.

Best of luck!

Dh saw SS 3 hours on Mondays and Thursdays and a few hours on Saturday. Now we have him Monday overnight, Thursday morning until Saturday @ 5pm awith the exception of every other saturday night we keep him until sunday @ 10am. And I wouldn't have it any other way. He is a good dad, and we have my girls on the same days. I am proud of him for fighting for his rights, and actually even taking MORE time than BM. He is one in a million.
Daddys Gurl

CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?

i think most of the other commenters are frustrated by the fathers who are letting guilt sway their parenting skills. you seem to be an exception to that. my fiance is usually pretty good, but every now and then his daughters crocodile tears fool him.

when we first got together i was astounded that he could not see the way she could turn on the tears to get her way. it has taken MANY discussions about this and now he has begun to appreciate the perspective that an "outsider" has on this family. he actually values that i can see need for improvement and that i will tell him so that he can be a better father.

i take that very seriuosly and try very hard to be fair when i tell him those things. on the other hand, i will not allow an 8 year old to determine my roles in my house. i live here every day - she does not. i have made it very clear that i am not the maid, and when i am treated as such, i back off - it is my signal to know that i am doing too much and that it is not appreciated.

i think lcooper is right about respect - my fiance respects my opinion and my point of view - he doesn't always agree right away but he always thinks about the things we talk about. i also respect that he is the kids' parent and that i am the helper. i realize that some things only a parent can understand. reading about all the problems other people are having makes me especially grateful that i know that my fiance and i are an unstoppable team. we have discussed (to death!) every single decision we have made regarding our home and how we will run it. i feel very grateful that he realizes that i have sacrificed a lot to be with him and his kids.

I know it happens, but I have to give my DH bonus points for not being one of those dads who gets sucked in by the fluttering of his daughter's eyelashes. He'll be the first one to say, "Nice try, kid, but you can't bullshit a bullshitter." And then he'll send them on their merry way. With three girls, if he's not tough, they will eat him alive. He's always been good about being fair with discipline and with balancing the affection with the right amount of encouragement that they be independent and not clingy. He's probably not as openly affectionate with the boys, but he bonds with them in more "manly" ways, I guess. I can't complain. There's never been a me vs. the skids dynamic at all. He's like me... we feel like the best thing we can do for all the kids is show them how to conduct a good, loving, healthy relationship and that means putting each other first. Kids grow up and leave, but marriage is supposed to last forever.

The thing about knowing he had kids when I married him... we all know that going in, sure. We also know that life can throw us curve balls when we least expect them. When we decided to get married, he asked me point blank how I felt about gaining three new stepchildren. He wanted me to be sure about it and I remember him saying something like, "You never know what the future holds. BM might finally piss off the wrong person or get hit by a bus or something and then I'd go from a weekend dad to a full-time dad. Could you handle that?" I never thought about it before then. I just assumed, being a mother myself, that she would NEVER let us raise her children, so there was no worry that we'd someday have all three of his kids moving in with us full-time. But I'd never thought about the possibility that something might happen to her. It was a reality check. I'm glad he pointed that out. In my excitement about marrying him, I never considered that we would ever have the kids more than EOW. It didn't change anything, I married him, anyway, but I think it's a valid point for all of you who haven't made the leap to marriage yet. Even if you are involved with someone who only has EOW or even less than that, you have to be thorough and ask yourself a lot of what ifs. What if something should happen to the skids' BM and your EOW partner suddenly becomes the custodial parent? While for most of us it's not a very likely probability, it IS for all of us at least a remote possibility. Best to be prepared for every eventuality.

~ Anne ~

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