You are here

Step kids disengaged with us

bertieb's picture

Submitted by bertieb on Sat, 04/16/2022 - 11:04am

Oldest SS and wife have never been what I would call close with me. No anger, no affection, just polite. They have 3 kids. DH and I have been married 10 years and the relationship with them is down to birthdays and Christmas for the most part. DH laments it sometimes wondering why SS won't come by or anything. Now it is Easter weekend, haven't heard a word. I disengaged after they ignored my sons wedding completely. At Christmas they took the kids for milkshakes before coming to our house and the dinner I worked all day on wasn't eaten. I know if we invited them out to eat they would come and let us buy it but again the kids would order lobster or steak and then not eat it.

I guess my blog is DH is a good man, he lost one son 5 years ago and his other two give him no support or love. He is totally taken for granted. We are sad to not see the grandkids but then they don't talk to us when they are with us, just play video games or talk to each other. Dinner is a nightmare for me, nobody talks and these kids are 13, 12 and 8! It's like we are an awkward two hours everybody has to get through. We can be fun people, we go to concerts, comedy shows, travel, etc. Its just strange. Even my therapist can't really help because she thinks DH should have a heart to heart with SS and he won't.

So, I say I disengage but don't, it eats at me and still hurts that I live near them and no relationship and my own kids are too far away for regular visits.

Comments

Survivingstephell's picture

Submitted by Survivingstephell on Sat, 04/16/2022 - 11:14am

Sounds like your DH doesn't care enough to have that hard conversation.  Why care more than him?  He is the ONLY one who can take a step towards fixing it.  Listen to your Therapist.  

notarelative's picture

Submitted by notarelative on Sat, 04/16/2022 - 12:43pm

I'm not sure that DH having that conversation with his son will fix anything. He has three kids and this son seems to have the most contact. Whatever broke happened before you and is probably impossible to fix.

My DH has two daughters. He gets a phone call from one occasionally. We only see her if we run into her in town -- usually once or twice a year. The other one, with two kids, lives about an hour away. He drops off gifts for birthdays and Christmas. The daughter and one of the kids comes outside to accept them. Neither of the daughters came to my sons big day either. Not even a card. They don't come here for holidays either as (they told us) they want to spend them with family. DH used to call frequently, but over the years his calls has lessened in frequency as most often they don't pick up and he has to leave a message.

Dont let your life revolve around them. If you can, travel to your kids for a holiday. Share your holiday with friends in the area without local family. Take a holiday weekend getaway. You have options.

 

bertieb's picture

Submitted by bertieb on Sat, 04/16/2022 - 1:24pm

Thanks, sometimes I feel like we are the only ones. It's hard when everyone I work with has family get togethers, goes to grandkids activities, etc. Their kids have no activities. No sports, dance, theater, anything. Just stay home and play video games, sad. That's why we don't have much to talk about either!

bertieb's picture

Submitted by bertieb on Sat, 04/16/2022 - 1:24pm

Thanks, sometimes I feel like we are the only ones. It's hard when everyone I work with has family get togethers, goes to grandkids activities, etc. Their kids have no activities. No sports, dance, theater, anything. Just stay home and play video games, sad. That's why we don't have much to talk about either!

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Submitted by Exjuliemccoy on Sun, 04/17/2022 - 8:01pm

You're not alone. Between divorce and cancel culture, a lot of parents don't have ideal relationships with their kids and grandkids. I've learned on ST that, for a variety of reasons, a lot of fathers never form a deep emotional bond with their kids. Sometimes it's their own fault; other times they're marginalized by partners or family, and sometimes it's a combination of factors.

I wasted a lot of years and ate a lot of poop trying to facilitate a better relationship between my DH and his kids. It changed nothing, because these relationships were broken before we came along and only parent and adult child working together can repair them. Life gets better once you accept that these things are out of our control.

Shieldmaiden's picture

Submitted by Shieldmaiden on Sat, 04/16/2022 - 5:29pm

I know what that's like, not having the family time you wish you had, and when it does happen, its not fulfilling. Since you have no control over what skids and DH do or don't do - maybe you could put all your love and effort into something that gives joy back to you? I would say volunteer or get a job doing something you love - like working with kids, or animals, or something very positive. This way you have time for you in your life that isn't controlled by DH's choices, by skids moodiness, etc. You can still put forth an effort with them if you want, but have your own life that you enjoy and this way you are not beholden to them for joy in your life.

bertieb's picture

Submitted by bertieb on Mon, 04/18/2022 - 9:32am

I will have my first grandbaby in October. They live 12 hours away but I will still have one to dote on and at least enjoy via facetime. I hope that will change how stepkids affect me immensley!

 

CajunMom's picture

Submitted by CajunMom on Sat, 04/16/2022 - 7:01pm

DH has 5 kids. I let myself be subjected to toxic behaviors for 12 years until a final humilating event that was witnessd my my family and close friends....family including my two bio kids. Everyone was devestated and angry. The following 3 years were spent recovering from the angry, hurt and rejection that was constantly thrown at me.

It's been over 4 years since I've seen DHs kids. He sees them away from our home. They were not invited to stay here when the BM died and two were local recently; DH saw them without me around. While I sometimes mourn the loss of never having grandkids or being allowed to be a stepgrandparent, most often I don't even think about it. Or when I do, I remind myself of all the "chores" I'm not obligated to do because they are assholes. No babysitting, no gift givien and no making quilts for them.

I fill my days enjoying my now great marriage, enjoy my studio time, retreats and getaway with friends and a peaceful happy life. And really, why would I or anyone want to invest so much relational energy into people that really don't want to be friends anyway? I'm now at a place where I could tolerate DHs kids....but it will be nothing but civil and superficial. 

bertieb's picture

Submitted by bertieb on Mon, 04/18/2022 - 10:05am

He complains about being ignored but the minute SS actually calls he is all in on listening to him bragging about what he bought himself. He actually told me once I should let SS know how I feel about the way he treats DH. We all know how that would go over!

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Mon, 04/18/2022 - 9:53am

First, these are your husband's kids and grandkids.. it really is on him whether he wants to do the work to have a relationship with his kids and grandkids.  I would also advise him looking back at how things were when the kids were being raised.. what kind of relationship did he have with them THEN?  was he a busy career man that relied on you or his ex to manage the socializing?  Did he encourage his kids to participate in interesting and outgoing extracurriculars?  

I hate to have to say it like this.. but sometimes people are just who they are and blood relations (or marriage via blood).. is not necessarily a guaranty that everyone will have similar interests... easy personalities etc..

It may just be that they are in a different time and place in their lives.. busy working.. raising kids.. taking care of their house.. having their own peer relationships.  It may be that their interest is really just watching TV or playing on their electronics.. I know my BIL's family were big couch potatoes.. spending all day watching movies on the weekend etc..

And.. depending on the age of the kids, I am not 100% sure I would fault them for letting them have a snack prior to dinner.. sometimes waiting for the "big meal" time can be hard on kids.. better a kid who isn't hungry than one that is irritable from hunger I guess.

And.. while you lament that it was Easter and they didn't contact you.. not everyone makes a big deal out of the weekend.  I know my DH and myself did a lot of chores around the house.. catching up on things.  His parents live next door and my dad lives a few hours away.. and one of his daughters and his 2 grandkids live within an hour.. we saw none of them.. made plans with none of them.  In fact.. no one called us to make plans either..shrug.. It was pretty much a normal weekend for us.

In the end.. you and your DH may be interesting people.. but his kids may not be.  If he really wants to forge more of a bond.. it's going to be work.. but the kids may not have the time nor inclination to put in that work too.