Hurtful Words
My Fiance and I were arguing one evening about his children and how they are disciplined. I explained to him I feel left out when his kids are around and his response was that "He will NEVER love me as much as he loves his kids" and "he will NEVER put me FIRST" ---- of course this tore me up inside and I still cant seem to get those words out of my head & it has really put me in a different perspective about this relationship.
Any advice??
- AustinTX1119's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Um yeah, run. A man who does
Um yeah, run.
A man who does not put his significant other first is doomed to be lonely for the rest of his life. Children are our first responsibility, spouses are our first priority. The needs of the children, food, shelter, clothing, come first, the wants of the spouse comes first (within reason, of course.)
The fact that he says he can't love you as much is a red flag for me. How was he with their biomother?
My DH loves me and our daughter both equally. The love is different, but asked to choose who to save and he will only choose BD because I would ask him to. Otherwise he would not be able to. We're not bonded by blood like he and BD are, but that does not mean he loves me any less.
Also, edited to add, it's not too late to back out. You haven't tied the knot yet and he's showing you who he is already.
You only have ONE, UNO, SOLO, ICHI life--are you WILLING to waste it being second in your marriage? Remember, every second gone is a second you will never get back. Are you okay with being put on the backburner?
your first paragraph makes
your first paragraph makes sense and I completely agree with what you said. I would never make him choose between me or his kids, but I feel that's how he is taking it. I wish he could be more mature about a lot of stuff and understand my views a little bit better.
This made me LOL. AWESOMELY
This made me LOL. AWESOMELY PUT.
love me some Dolly!....wise
love me some Dolly!....wise words from a wise woman!
Run NOW.
Run NOW.
Do disney parents have a
Do disney parents have a handbook of phrases they go to when they need to win an argument or something?
Damn if your fiancé didn't go through the gamut of textbook guilty parent phrases.
What kind of marriage can you
What kind of marriage can you expect from a man who is proud to mistreat his wife if it makes him feel like a good father?
You will continue to hear those hurtful phrases from him whenever expressing that your needs are not being met, no matter how reasonable those needs are. You are not even allowed to expect his kids to use table manners without being regarded as an "evil stepmom."
He is not good marriage material if he is interested in being with someone whose desires and level of comfort are not a priority for him. I think it would be best for everyone, if he continued putting his kids first, and stay single.
He's not emotionally equipped to be both a father and husband. I'm sure there are men that exist that want to put their wife and marriage first, and not make it a point to make sure she knows he loves his kids more than he loves her.
You are not married to him,
You are not married to him, leave him. You have got to be number one, you can't have a marriage without being number one. It will not work, you will never be happy. I promise you, you will never be happy!! I don't care how much you love him, how much he loves you. If you are not first then it will never work. I have been in a marriage where I didn't put my husband first, I put my son first, we are divorced. Now that I'm with a man who put his daughter first for the first 3 years of our relationship I see where I was wrong. Very wrong. The marriage and you have to be first. God intended it that way. It's not too much to ask. If he can't do it, find someone that can.
As much as his words hurt, he
As much as his words hurt, he is being honest with you. Since you don't agree with his views, it's time to move on. He should have been man enough to tell you this prior to asking you to marry you.
I happen to share his views. I love my son unconditionally. I will never love a man that way. For 18 years, my son was my priority. I was honest about my feelings. and made it clear that I would not change.
sweetie, you better get out
sweetie, you better get out while the gettin' is good...no penis is worth this...besides he is already "warning" you what life is going to be like with him and his kids.....i hope you have a great pair of Nikes cause you need to run as fast and as far as you can....
THIS Feeling this way isn't
THIS
Feeling this way isn't wrong. However, not revealing this prior to living together or getting married is wrong.
If I had raised my son in a traditional family, then my feelings would have been different.
i'm sorry, not trying to
i'm sorry, not trying to start a shit storm here, but people with this attitude probably should not get married. it flies in the face of what marriage is supposed to be. marriage is SUPPOSED to be forever. KIDS grow up and leave, your spouse is forever. I do commend you for being up-front with your dh before he married you, but if my SO ever told me this, i'd be out the door before he finished speaking. I didn't get married to accept my spouses' crumbs. I think people can (and morally SHOULD) put their kids first, but hold off on the marriage until the kids are grown. then people have the potential of living up to the vows they take.
I think though, what you
I think though, what you meant wasn't that your children's wishes, schedules, and desires will always override his, and that you would not listen to his concerns and you would refuse to even compromise or come up with a solution to any of the issues he may have.
As a married couple, I make time for my husband, address his concerns, and if they come into conflict with something about our BD, we look for a solution together. This doesn't mean DH is more important than BD or that he comes before BD--I guess the idea of coming "first" is a bit confusing and probably the wrong phrase--but that we will balance everything based on what's right and fair, not on our selfish feeling/wants/guilt.
However, it seems when dads especially, make this claim, what they are saying (and doing) is that I will not listen to your concerns and my feelings towards how I want to deal with my children and what they want overrides logic, practicality, or anyone else's feelings.
I've known mothers in intact families who broke down their marriage because they constantly put their children's desires above their spouses who just so happen to be their biological fathers too. They defend their children right or wrong (and most of the time wrong) even against their own fathers. Sorry, but not even an intact family will survive that, how can you expect a blended family to?
Children don't WANT to use manners, they don't want to share, they would much rather eat cookies for every meal, not do any work, not go to school, not clean up, not be considerate of other people. They want to be able to do whatever they want, when they want, without consequence.
Does this mean that they should be allowed to? Nope. As a parent, that is your job, and if you're not doing an adequate amount of parenting your children so that they become a nuisance to someone else, then perhaps you should remain single. (This is "you" in a general sense--I'm pretty sure Disney and Lemon's kids get disciplined if they are wrong based on being on these forums.)
I also think the idea of spouses coming and going so it's okay to not care about them as much is... sad. It gives the mentality of they aren't as important because the general idea of a "spouse" is not permanent. There will only ever be one DH for me--maybe other spouses--but only one DH and that means that as long as I love him and he loves me, I will try my best to keep him happy and if he has problems or concerns, I will do my best to listen and address them, even if it's about our BD.
leave, do not pass go do not
leave, do not pass go do not collect $200.00. fuck that, shot you do not have time to stop to collect the 200.00 bucks because if I were you I couldnt get out of there fast enough
Sometimes men are divorced
Sometimes men are divorced for a reason. It seems he doesn't know or knows but doesn't care about how to treat a lady.
Being a tough guy isn't what it's all about. Love, patience, and compassion are.
There’s something not right
There’s something not right here. The love for a spouse and the love for a child are different types of love. Each are placed first according to that love. My DH puts my needs above everyone else (family, friends, coworkers ect), then he places his kids’ needs above everyone else (again, family, friends, coworkers ect). My needs are different from the kids’ needs though. Basicly, I need a husband who will care for me as a husband should. The kids need a father who will care for them as a father should.
This may not make sense lol.
Does he have sex with his
Does he have sex with his children, too?
You cannot compare romantic love with familial love. Apples and oranges, people.
You can love both. Different ways but you can still love both. You have infinite amounts of love available to give at any time.
Does a person with no family except one sibling love that one sibling more than a person with ten siblings loves their siblings?
Just the fact that he is placing his feelings for you on the same level as his feelings for his children is wrong and, as other posters have said, is a mark of immaturity.