My husband undermines me!!!

Forums:

I'm sure this isn't a new topic, but I'll welcome any and all input regarding the following:

I am the step mom to a 19 year old male college student still living in the house and still a lazy slob. I've been married to his father for almost 5 years and for the most part we have harmony and a nice relationship......until I open my mouth about the pigsty in the kids room or something else regarding the kid.

The kid shows no respect for me whatsoever when I ask him to do something. I wait and wait for the task to be completed. But when he wants something he whines and runs to Daddy and he gets it within a day. He is a spoiled brat and my husband STILL coddles him. It is pathetic and SO aggravating.

When I can't stand it any longer, I'll take away privileges and get mad. What does my husband do? He criticizes ME for it and gives him back the privileges I just took away. Then says, "you need to control your anger". The kid lies to both of us and manipulates his father on a daily basis, and his father ALWAYS not SOMETIMES, ALWAYS, believes him and takes his side even when I give him concrete evidence of the BS the kid just pulled.

I am so PISSED right now that I'm ready to divorce him. It has been almost five years of varying degrees of the example I just gave you.

I realize kids will be kids, but what the HELL is wrong with his father? As a couple you should be a force/partnership together and stand firm. Why does he undermine me???? All it has done is teach the kid that he can act however he wants and get away with it. No respect. I've discussed this with him at length and it always comes back on me.....that I'M doing wrong.......not that he undermines me. It is like it goes in one ear and out the other. He can't even follow what the problem is, it just always gets turned on me. I would never do that to him, because I respect him as an adult. It is like I'm a second class citizen in my own home and he and the kid run the house.

Arrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh! I'm SO sick of it. Then he tells me, "oh it is only another year that you have to put up with him!" It's not the kid, it's my husband!!!! He's the problem.

Any pointers???

Let him read your blog! And

Let him read your blog! And everyone's responses. Then maybe he'll get some outside perspective. For the record, I agree with you. Kids will divide the parents in a heartbeat if they let them. Even if you disagree behind the scene, you have to put up a united front to the kid or he will not show any respect for what you say.

Arrrggghhh!

It is like talking to a brick wall. Why do they act like mother hens protecting their offspring, swooping in and then sqwauking at you like you're the enemy? It is SO frustrating. I was good enough to take the little shit on when he was 15, do all his laundry, cook dinner every night----sending him to his room is like sending him to Disneyland.

I've been expected to help raise him, but as soon as I discipline him, I'm told that I'm unreasonable and angry. WTF???? And the hub does it right in front of him. The little brat, now 19, just runs in his room and and can almost hear the evil laughter like "foiled again, wa ha ha!"

Thanks for your comment....I'll gather up some comments and let him read them, like you suggested. I appreciate what you said.

Also...

Undermining your spouse is BAD, BAD, BAD when you have a child together. When it happens with a SK, it is fatal for the relationship. Period.

What's happening in a year?

What's happening in a year? Why is that the end game in all of this? What will he be done with school? LOL, THEN he won't be able to find a job, and he'll STILL be mooching of you both. Even if it gets him out of your house, it's not like it's going to actually rectify the situation, your DH can just keep guilt parenting with his checkbook instead of from the home.

I really don't understand why people think they're doing their kids a service by allowing them to shirk adult responsbility, especially when they're adults. For kids in school, their #1 job is to be a good student. All else hinges on that. So now he's in college and what, saving money b/c he's living at home???? okay, fair enough, but stay here and abide by the rules.

Coddling and protecting children from this real world only makes the reality that awaits much harder. Who will be there to care for the little angel after DH is gone? They will have to learn to stand on their own two feet very late in the game as a result, and are at a real handicap because of it.

I don't even understand why punishing a 19 yr old is on the table. At that age, it's my way or the high way under my roof, not negotiable. If you don't like playing by my rules, go to school part time and get a job and get your own place, end of discussion. Or take out student loans and live on campus if you hate the rules so much. Your choice.

Just my .02 though...

from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.

I would flip out

Hey girl I would tell your hubby look I was good enough to raise YOUR son since he was 15 and therefore I am good enough to set some rules around here. You are not asking for much in my opinion. Tell him that you both must present a united front in this situation. I was guilty of this with my own BS and when he was 19 he was so rotten I booted him out of this house. Tell your husband that it is your house, your life too and that you have a say what happens in EVERYTHING and he is not making you feel that you are his partner and thus making you feel like you are not important. I agree that it probably goes in one ear and out the other cuz I went through this with my FH. Have you considering going to a couples counselor. Most times men think we are nuts but then when they talk to a 3rd party the light goes off and they get pretty embrassed. I agree with Northern - if he can't follow the rules and treat you and his father with respect he can go live somewhere else. A counselor will tell his dad the same thing. Your husband is not doing your son any favors by letting him continually get away with this crap. His son is going to have a hard time out in the real world if he doesn't straighten up now. It is your husband who is the problem and if this has been going on for all this time it is going to take awhile to reverse it. Good luck to you. HUGS!

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