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New mom on all accounts and new to this site-- please help before i lose my mind

new_mom_in_more_ways_then1's picture

Hi my name is Melanie I am 23 and a new mom on all accounts, I am currently 6 months pregnant and my husband and I have been together for only 9 months, now I know this may sound crazy but we are very much in love and have had no problems between us.. the only problem is his 3 1/2 year old daughter. When we first got together she was wonderful and sweet and we had no problems she loved me from the begining and I never saw the problems we have today coming. My husband and his ex have a court agreement that we have bella from one friday to the next and then she spends the next friday to friday with her mom, so week on week off. I started noticing that she will not leave my husbands side for anything, if he showers she will cry and scream until he lets her in the room so she can stand in the bathroom while he showers, or goes to the bathroom. He works overnight so he sleeps during the day a lot and even if shes not tired she will again scream and cry until he lets her just come lay in the bed with him, she wont even sleep she will just lay there and if I offer to make her a snack and put on a movie for her she will cry and reach out for him because she will not leave his side. She has also been minipulating him, when hes not here she is just fine she listens to what i say and she never cries or gives me problems, when he gets home she will immediately cling to him and cry at every whim of a problem and she knows he will make it all okay; even if she has gotten into trouble and he sends her to her room she will cry and throw the biggest fit and he will tell her to come here and make it all better because as he says he cannot stand to see her cry but as i say we are not teaching her anything besides crying gets you your way. I have tried numerous times to bond with her and get her to leave his side and be okay with it but she refuses and cries like someone is trying to kill her and she wont even sleep in her own bed which has made it so I have to sleep on the couch because she will cry if she is away from him.. So even if hes home and i may get a chance to spend any time with him and sleep in my bed with him she wont let me and i can get him to put his foot down and back me up on any of these issues. I feel like my house is run by a 3 yr old and we all just cater to her every need and it doesnt matter what anyone else wants.. Like I said I am 6 months pregnant with our son and I feel that when he is born she is going to resent him and hate that her dad is giving any other child attention and her actions will get worse.. she is also not potty trained because her bio mom is not putting forth the effort to help and when i try to put her on the potty she cries and runs away to her daddy, same goes for a bath or brushing her hair.. I am trying so hard to teach her things and get her to grow up and become a big girl not a baby anymore but i feel noone is helping me.. what do i do???

sorry for the length.

StickAFork's picture

"I have a four year old, I am divorced. I am finishing my degree. I ONLY date childless men."

I don't mean this to be rude, but why are you here, then?

StickAFork's picture

I wasn't being rude...just curious.
I wouldn't go to site where bisexual transgenders vent, because...well, I'm not a bisexual transgender.
You're a BM looking to "understand" the SM side of things. I get it.

StickAFork's picture

:jawdrop:

OF COURSE you're totally in love. You're in the brand new phase of a relationship. Funny things happen when you spend a lot of time with someone, getting to know them, their life, their extended family, their routines... you find out if you're a good fit or not.
Instead, you chose to get pregnant inside of 3 months of knowing him, and are now married to him. YIKES. And, as expected, you're learning things that don't make you happy.
First, if daddy sleeps during the day because he works at night, who watches the daughter 50% of the time? (I'm expecting that's you.) Before you came along, same question? This time last year, what did that "normal" day to day life of DH look like?
Stop trying to be SD's mommy. You are a BRAND NEW figure in her life, and it sounds like you're trying to take over. No more baths. No more hair brushing. No more potty training. Time for daddykins to step up and handle his business. He will soon have TWO kids, and you will be run ragged trying to do it all...while he sleeps.
How did you even manage to get pregnant? Bathroom sex? Shoot, the picture you paint makes it nearly impossible to have ever had sex with this man!
As for sleeping on the sofa because SD and daddy are in the bed... I can't help but ask... how is this possible? I'm assuming that you and SD sleep at night (like people with regular schedules) and you said DH sleeps during the day because he works nights. So... I guess I'm trying to understand...HOW are you on the sofa sleeping while SD and DH share the bed?? (Which, if true, is totally not cool!)

new_mom_in_more_ways_then1's picture

I was told I couldnt get pregnant on my own and that I would have to take fertility drugs so it was very shocking and unexpected when i got pregnant, still using protection i may add.. and yes he sleeps during the day but is up with her while i am at work then i come home and watch her and he goes to sleep but most times she just goes in there with him and lays there while he sleeps.. completely awake just not wanting to leave his side.. so i am alone most of the time.. and before me he would just stay up as long as he could and she would sleep or watch movies next to him while he slept and wake him up for diaper changes and food and such.. and yes me and SD sleep at night and then when he gets home after hes been up for a few hours he goes to sleep and she follows even when shes not tired.. and yes i sleep on the couch because she refuses to sleep away from him and i'm talking about the nights he has off and we might actually get time together.. i either sleep on the couch or he does and she follows and sleeps in the chair next to him..

new_mom_in_more_ways_then1's picture

I know shes 3 and it sounds ridiculous but she will cry and scream and he will say if you want to sleep in the bed i'll go sleep on the couch and she then sleeps in the chair right next to him.. so i'm always alone and its starting to drive me crazy.. yes i know he needs to realize what hes doing by giving into her everytime she cries but when we talk about it he gets upset and says all i do is complain about his daughter but he just doesnt see the problems that i see with her. She cries when you give her a bath or brush her hair or try to get her to go potty by herself.. she cries for every damn thing and he just feels bad for her... and of course i'm just he mean stepmom who disciplines her..

new_mom_in_more_ways_then1's picture

What do you mean why am i here then? I chose to get married and I always said I would try and make it a one time thing, Im not into just giving up because the road ahead seems hard.. i'm asking for advice or a new way to approach this because i have tried a few on my own already but never really reached out for help.. I love my husband and never felt a bond like this even with my ex of 4 years... so i'm trying to make it work and stay true to my vows i am in that way a bit traditional.

new_mom_in_more_ways_then1's picture

Oh I see now, I was thinking the same thing.. I have been reading many other comments from people saying oh just leave but how could you do that? does nooone know commitment nowadays? you cant just always walk away when problems get tough

StickAFork's picture

"LEAVE" is a very common suggestion on here.
I don't often recommend it.
I understand where you're coming from, because I took my vows seriously, too. I wound up divorcing XH because he was an abusive ass, and no amount of therapy had changed anything. I finally had to do what was best for my kids.

In your case, I think you made this "lifetime committment" WAY too quickly, without actually knowing what life would look like as soon as you said "I do." Well, that ship has sailed, so now you have to figure out what you're going to do from here.

Your DH doesn't respect you or your wishes. Your DH has allowed/encouraged you to step in and take over mothering his child. You are thinking if you can just get him to understand, he'll change.

Chances are VERY likely that things will be exactly the way the are now 5 years down the road. You'll have one, maybe more, children of your own. You will likely fight and struggle and convince yourself that if you just try hard enough, things will improve. You'll spend a bunch of years in this life, and then finally say, "Why didn't I leave sooner?"

I've heard it said that women marrying hoping their man will change; men marry hoping the woman won't.

So...this was the situation in place when you married. By marrying him, you communicated that you were ok with it. Now, you're not. He hasn't changed anything about the dynamic of the household...YOU HAVE. (rightly so, btw.)

YOU need to decide for yourself what is best for you. I never suggest walking away when times get rough. That's what marriage is about. I would challenge you to ask yourself... on what basis was this marriage built? What foundation did you have before committing your forever to him?
It baffles me... you are married to this man and expecting a child with him, and yet you'll be celebrating Christmas together for the first time (ever!) in a month.

new_mom_in_more_ways_then1's picture

I know a lot about this marriage and family life is a bit crazy to fathom and yes I think its crazy that this is our first Christmas, but I know that things can change I think he's just never had anyone show him the mistakes he's making because other then that he is a great father to her. He is just trying to be perfect and have noone cry or be upset but that is a fantasy world and he needs to wake up.. I have hope and I want to try until I feel that I'm wasting my time

new_mom_in_more_ways_then1's picture

Also things weren't like this when we first got together, this strange behavior with SD just started a few months ago

new_mom_in_more_ways_then1's picture

Excuse me but my husband is not a stranger I'm sorry that your mind Is limited to relationships only last if youve been together for some amount of years but love is love and real when you know it and see it.. and just because you hear one story doesn't mean you know my whole life, marriage, and my husband entirely so back off your soapbox and chill out

new_mom_in_more_ways_then1's picture

He doesn't banish me to he couch I often choose it because all.3 of us In the bed is too cramped for me and like I've said in my OTHER comments, he has gone to the couch numerous times and she sleeps in the chair next to.him.. so why don't you read it all before you speak.. I love how your attacking my life because it doesn't mirror yours but obviously your on here for your own problems too or you just like you shove your nose Into others either way realize your lifestyle isn't the golden way lady

new_mom_in_more_ways_then1's picture

He doesn't banish me to he couch I often choose it because all.3 of us In the bed is too cramped for me and like I've said in my OTHER comments, he has gone to the couch numerous times and she sleeps in the chair next to.him.. so why don't you read it all before you speak.. I love how your attacking my life because it doesn't mirror yours but obviously your on here for your own problems too or you just like you shove your nose Into others either way realize your lifestyle isn't the golden way lady

new_mom_in_more_ways_then1's picture

He doesn't banish me to he couch I often choose it because all.3 of us In the bed is too cramped for me and like I've said in my OTHER comments, he has gone to the couch numerous times and she sleeps in the chair next to.him.. so why don't you read it all before you speak.. I love how your attacking my life because it doesn't mirror yours but obviously your on here for your own problems too or you just like you shove your nose Into others either way realize your lifestyle isn't the golden way lady

new_mom_in_more_ways_then1's picture

Also if you had read my other comment earlier I said when he woke up and seen me on here he asked to read this whole conversation and we had a long talk after and he understands now what I've been trying to say and wants to help and be on my side and behind me when it comes to his daughter and making changes so I guess ur quick to judge comment that this stranger will never change is extremely WRONG

new_mom_in_more_ways_then1's picture

You know I'm not 100% innocent as I'm sure you likely wuld claim to be in this situation because the other times we talked usually stemmed from anger or when an occurance happened it wasn't like today where we could sit down and without anger say how we felt about this and I think him seeing that not only I but others could see what he could not helped in a big way.. do thanks to those with constructive comments.. so I'm surprised ur marriage has lasted with all your negativity In people..

Starla's picture

Hello there, welcome to this site Smile

The behavior of this child sounds like a combination of bad parenting & separation anxiety. That is a lot for this little girl to be dealing with. It really is not her fault. She too has to be moved from home to home & kids need stability. Kids thrive when they are stuck in a rut but that can't happen when parents split up.

So..things you can do. Leave the parenting of this little girl to her mom & dad. Maybe read up on separation anxiety & when you find useful information, share it with your husband. If you hound your husband with parenting, it will likely backfire on you & he won't see the problems either. Good books can sink into guys heads more then their wife talking/explaining such to them. Now you have the added problem of having very little time, you may want to highlight what it is that you run across that you want your husband to read. Following up with "what do you think about that?" Almost as if the idea he read came from him, its an ego thing IMO.

As for you teaching her big girl stuff, please try not to do that. You have good intention I'm sure but she needs her parents & for them to do the parenting. Its time for you to take a break, enjoy feeling your baby grow within, & pamper yourself while you can. Your husband will have to learn but he can't fix it if he does not see it as broken.

Again welcome to the site & hope you find helpful advice here.

new_mom_in_more_ways_then1's picture

Well the problem is her bio mom lives in a hotel and doesn't bathe her at all when she comes to our house her hair is ratty knotted, not brushed, and very dirty.. she is worthless and doesn't try and my husband says he's scared to wash or brush her hair because he doesn't want to hurt her.. good news Is he woke up and seen I was on this site and read what I and all of u wrote and he said he understands now and he's gonna try to help change things with her too.. also her bio mom said she's thinking of leavin the state and leavin her with us.. so she doesnt seem to want her much so I'm trying to show her motherly love that is all

Layla21's picture

It's obvious that your husband is the problem here. He is enabling this behavior and that's why she continues. If you've tried talking to him and he won't listen, I'm really not sure what you can do. My husband is kind of the same when it comes to his daughter in that he hates to see her upset and would prefer to just make everything better. I've had to talk to him at length and really explain to him that she needs to be held accountable for her actions and lessons need to be learned or else we will continue having the same issues. It took him a while, especially when she was real young because he felt that for some reason it wasn't fair to have her upset at such a young age. I just had to keep explaining to him that her behavior was not acceptable and that age wasn't going to change anything. She learns how to behave from us and if we don't set a good example, she isn't going to suddenly change. Good luck!

bi's picture

melanie, i have to advise you to not use your real info on here. not your or sd's names, nothing like that at all. there have been instances in the past where people have taken that information and found the person in real life and tried to screw their life up for them. be very careful with what you disclose.

new_mom_in_more_ways_then1's picture

Will do Wink

new_mom_in_more_ways_then1's picture

Thank you for taking the time to give me great advice and some criticism as well but not coming at me in a way of saying that I know nothing and you know all, that is the way i perceived a lot of the comments from other women. I will take what you said and think about it, it makes alot of sense. Thank you again.

giveitago's picture

I agree with the poster who talked of separation anxiety, I believe it's a natural thing for a loving dad to pull a hurting child closer. The girl has not learned to self sooth, she's still a baby really. I would let it be for a while with him, however, I would drop hints that 'we' need to gradually wean her off being the 'only child' before baby arrives. It's really up to her dad to deal with it, the mom doesn't seem to have a clue. I suggest that you take the time to relax and enjoy your pregnancy.
Small children can be like frightened animals sometimes, it might work if you wait for her to reach out to you and then take it slow with her. Incidentally, babies inches long can manipulate their parents, it's something daddy has to see for himself really, and he has to be the one to put a stop to it. Just watch out that once he does put a stop to it that she doesn't try the same tactics on YOU! Be ready for it!
This girl might resent the baby, she might really have some deep feelings for you already. When baby is asleep be sure to pay her some attention, not bathing, or hair brushing or anything she'd scream about, just play a game or something?
It's also very possible that once baby is here she'll absolutely adore the idea of a little brother or sister too!

new_mom_in_more_ways_then1's picture

I never thought about some of the things you were saying in the way that you were thinking about them, thank you so much for your comment and I will definitely be thinking about all of that. Will say that things have definitely changed and he isn't just giving in everytime she cries about any little thing but he does still comfort her when it is definitely needed Smile so progress is being made.