that is messed up. looking back and being objective how much of your side of conversation evolved around your troubles?

No justifing her actions, cause i too would never actually say it out loud to a friend, but i would start to distance myself if the majority of the time i was always venting.

Of course none of us here know how much you complain to your BFF but apparently it is was than she wanted to hear and that's what counted wasn't it. Everyones tolerance is different and now you know what hers is. Not every friend will jump overboard should you fall.

I don't know where you are in your disengagement but have you read this article:

http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html

a 'friend' of mine did this to me years ago. said that my problems became hers and she couldnt deal anymore. i told her to fuck off, HER son is pleasent to her then fiance (now husband). hell, her son begged to call his stepdad DADDY!!!!

no one but us knows what we go thru.

Hugs to you, 20years~

I am going a little bit through the same thing right now. Me and my bestie talked about everything at one point. Nowadays it can go a couple of weeks to even have a phone call. We used to speak or text everyday and see each other almost everyday to go to the gym or out for a walk.
Then 2010 I got sick and the illnesses dominated my life until mid 2011. During that time I felt her pulling away. I don't blame her though as it seemed every word that came out of my mouth was to do with being ill. I guess she just got fed up of listening to it.

Some people just have their limit and of course when we are in a downward spiral all we think about is the problem we have in front of us. God knows how hubby put up with me for that year and half, looking back I would have kicked my own arse for being a pain in one.

Don't feel to bad about your BFF everyone has their limits. Me I just get on with it now, we get in touch every now and again but it is not like before. These days I tell all my stuff to my hubby. over the years we have become very close and I now call him my BFF, he is my soulmate and someone who without a doubt will listen to my problems...hahaha as if he has a choice

I have a slightly different perspective. I lost my husband two years ago and many friends just dropped me. My problems with step kids continue to drag me down. A lot of people just don't want to be around people who remind them that bad things might indeed happen to them. I believe a true friend will see you through this bleak period of your life. Think of all the negativity that is expressed on this site! The terrible loneliness we feel. The horrible choices that have to be made, often after years of believing we could make it work. What we need is more support, not less. Therapists help, yes, but I still expect my friends to care and to call. We widows have a name for people who can't support us: "the don't get its."

I have had 'friends' like this before, but not any more. I am sure she does things that are annoying to you also but you have not told her to basically shut up?.

I would talk to a counselor or make the changes you can in your life, but I would also get rid of her.

I have had many friendships end because eventually you see what people are really like. I do not miss those people and looking back see that there were many signs before that that they were not really my friend.

It is a shame but sorry 'friend', life can't be unicorns and rainbows all the time for your benefit. Dur!! HUGS

I think it's true that there are times in your life when you have to shed "friends." I needed to do that after my husband died. Many friends dropped me, but I also dropped others who, in one way or another, made me feel worse. Often they wanted me to be better, held it over my head as a threat, really. Or they just made me feel bad in one way or another. It's hard to give up friends you've depended on, but I do believe it is necessary if they are not helpful or even harmful. The hard part for me has been going from my husband's death to the hell of the step kids over inheritance. It means I've lost even more friends! People are tired of my life, well, I am too. And I think the sympathy for step kids is not out there the way sympathy (even if it's just platitudes) exists when you lose someone you love. "Stepmonster" changed my life that way. I realized that there is practically zero support for bad relations with step kids. It makes one hesitant to speak out, even with "good friends." We really are between a rock and a hard place socially.

20 Year, I have a good friend K. who has listened to me complain and I have listened to her complain. We have been there for each other, and I have felt very fortunate to have her ear and understanding when I really needed it. I believe she feels the same way about me. A year and 1/2 ago when SD had her meltdown and DH emotionally deserted me, I was a basket case. K. listened to me rant. When I said SD was banned from my house until she could treat me with respect, K. replied, "I'd never let her back in MY house!" Last week I listened to K. rant about the BF she had just dumped and I never felt the need to shut her up. I believe that true friends share, not just problems, the good things too. But there is a limit to everything. Friends are also honest with good intentions. I know K. well enough that if I wallowed in my problems too awful much and did nothing to improve the situation she would tell me to stop whining and do something about it. You wrote, "I guess I can't expect that she has the same stamina as I in hard times." Yes, you CAN expect the same stamina. Don't write off your friend yet but ask if this relationship is reciprocal.

You have been going through a heck of a lot, and I think you have been handling it quite well - most probably better than I would have. When it got really bad for me a year and ½ ago, and I felt the need to vent but did not want to burden my friends with another rant, I turned to journaling. It helped considerably. Many times I found the solutions to problems, and motivation or validation for actions by just reading back what I had written. And since no one was going to read it but me, I did not have to sensor or rephrase anything – which at times was very liberating. LOL Best wishes to you in finding the action you need to take next. Good luck.

Your post didn't say if she didn't want to see or talk to you any more. It sounds like she just doesn't want to constantly hear over and over again about your situation.

Any best friend should be able to be honest and open with us. If she can't take it any more, she can't take it any more. She has needs also, and she can still love and care for you, even though she has honestly told you she can't help you in this area.

I had to recently tell a new friend to stop calling me. She was abusing the relationship. It was hard for me to do, and I did it as gently as I could. She is also doing this same thing with others I know - calling them, talking only about herself - always seems to be in a crisis or drama. It gets draining. She has a counselor whom she needs to deal with these issues with.

Try to understand your friends position. If need be, seek out a good counselor - read some good self-help books, read these posts - make needed changes and not just complain endlessly. Many of here have been in your situation, and have learned that it is our responsibility to take action and not allow others (your husband and your stepkids) to treat you with disrespect.

One thing that has helped me and many others is to start a JOURNAL, and complain there all you like. Write down your thoughts, feelings, frustrations. In doing this it helps you vent and see any patterns you need to change in yourself. You can look back later and see how things have changed or not changed, and gives you insight into what to do.

Good luck.

No, I know the same people she knows. She told me that the others she had been talking to were getting "tired" of her complaining. I didn't know the whole situation then - so I gave her a chance - waited to see how things went with us.

As time went on, I could see why the others were getting frustrated with her. She tended to be melodramatic, and didn't seem to really want to listen to or take others advice.

From what I could see, she was a person who seemed to NEED drama in her life. She seemed to go out of her way to either find, or create drama. She was addicted to it. If things were too quite, she was uncomfortable. A "hysterionic personality".

Maybe the below information will help explain better.............

"Histrionic personality disorder is one of a group of conditions called "Cluster B" or "dramatic" personality disorders. People with these disorders have intense, unstable emotions and distorted self-images. For people with histrionic personality disorder, their self-esteem depends on the approval of others and does not arise from a true feeling of self-worth. They have an overwhelming desire to be noticed, and often behave dramatically or inappropriately to get attention. The word histrionic means "dramatic or theatrical."

In many cases, people with histrionic personality disorder have good social skills; however, they tend to use these skills to manipulate others so that they can be the center of attention."

I am NOT saying that "20YearsAsAStepMom" is a hystrionic person, but I was just saying that there are people and times when it can be necessary to let someone know that you find their demands on your friendship draining.

20 Years, here is your OP:
"My BFF just told me very gently on the weekend that she finds my family troubles very draining to listen to and can't imagine how I deal with everything. She has been the best support I have had and always had very logical calm advice for me. I guess i have lost that now and I am so disappointed in her attitude. What kind of friend tells you to basically stop talking about your problems to them? I would never do that to my friend EVER! "
++++++++++++++++++

You have received excellent thoughts from posters and you've had a subsequent conversation with your friend in which you stopped yourself from making the conversation all about you, and you had a great talk with your friend. I want to point out some things from your OP:

1. You did say your friend told you gently, so she was trying to be kind in telling you what she said.
2. She said she can't imagine how you deal with everything. That is great empathy that she offered you.
3. You stated you were disappointed in her attitude, and you wondered what kind of friend tells you to stop talking about your problems to them.

I know when she said that to you, it must have seemed so harsh. And good for you that you've figured out that this site is a better place to vent....people here are better equipped to understand what you're going through.

Please allow me to tell you about a similar situation I had, where I was the one in your BFF's role. My BFF got involved with a man who, at first, treated her wonderfully. Then as things got more serious and they got engaged, his behavior began to change. When she would complain to me, I would try to gently get her to see the patterns in his behavior that she was describing to me. About a month before her wedding to this guy, she was complaining to me and I asked why she was marrying him because all she ever did was complain about him. She didn't have an answer.

She went ahead and married him, and what do you think happened? His behavior continued to worsen, and he became very abusive. Fast forward one year and all she's ever done is complain more & more about him and their marriage and how he treats her. Our conversations had, at one time, included things about her work, my work, her children from her first marriage, my marriage...life in general. Finally, it got to where it wasn't what you could call "conversation"...it was just her monologue of how miserable she was.

One day I'd had enough. I told her that I just couldn't do it anymore and that I needed to take a break. She would always be my BFF, but I just couldn't handle her marriage troubles anymore. I still loved her and would always be her friend, and hoped that she could figure things out, but that I needed a break.

I'm sure it likely hurt her feelings, just as you were hurt. But, by only complaining to me, she was able to vent...but she never DID anything about her situation. When I unplugged, she began actually looking at her marriage and the place she'd gotten to and realized how miserable she really was.

The break I asked for helped both of us. She has separated and is filing for divorce from her abusive husband. She & I have reconnected and we are now able to have actual conversations....balanced with things about both of us.

Your friend was doing both of you a favor. She was trying to save the friendship, and the only way she knew to do that was to try very delicately to help you understand that if you continued on with one-sided, non-stop complaining, it was going to be more & more difficult for her to be supportive.

And in the final analsyis, unless she is also a SM, she will not be able to fully understand what you go through....what we here go through. She can only understand up to a point, and then she can only tell you how draining it must be...

In addition to venting here, perhaps you could find a therapist...someone who could work with you on some coping strategies and setting boundaries.

Best to you....