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Perspective please!

alieannie's picture

I could really use some perspective! There have been several remarriages/blended families in my own family and it's always been that everyone is treated equally and it doesn't matter who is biologically related and who is "only related by marriage". I took these expectations with me when I married my husband, and boy, I couldn't be more wrong.

Background: I am divorced and now remarried with two children, 9 & 11. I remarried a widower who has two adult children, both of whom show a bit of passive aggressive attitudes, resentment and indifference towards me, and guilt trip their father whenever they can because of me. We have been married over two years, started dating a year after his prior wife/their mom died which was about 5 years ago.

In the beginning, my husband was not very good about standing up to his kids now 25 and 28. They controlled him and still try to do so. It's created friction between us, but he is trying to see their behavior for what it is. It is now only recently that he has started to stand up for me and tell them that I am his wife and they need to deal with it. Period.

When we were dating they were ok with me but as the relationship got more serious, they began to let their true feelings known. It's been downhill since we've been married. They still resent that he got married again, the son will talk to me when he sees me, but then he'll complain to his dad about why I have to be included, and the daughter won't talk to me, even in my own house. She lives far away and we only see her maybe twice a year. She'll answer a question if I ask her but she mumbles and won't look at me. Holidays? The son never buys even his dad a card or gift, but he expects gifts and even asked to have cash for his birthday because he needed rent money. Umm excuse me? But anyway, he can't even buy his dad a card, so I know to never expect anything from him ever. But at least he'll have a conversation to my face, even though he'll bitch about me being around later.

The daughter? She'll send her dad cards or a small Christmas gift, but I am always excluded from the card. Most recently she sent a package at Xmas for her dad and brother with gifts and one card, to dad and brother, but my name was not on it.

She is coming for a visit this week and I am already on eggshells. I am sick of the disrespect and I feel his kids are not treating their father too nicely either. They don't call much but do call and ask for money. Until we were married he paid all their bills. I put a stop to that and they haven't gotten money from us since. I am sure they blame me and it gives them more ammo to dislike me, since I'm the big meanie. But sorry, you're adults and have an air of entitlement at that. So too bad.

But based on everything I've read, I think I've made a few conclusions:

1. This is how they will be and their feelings will never change
2. They don't have to like me but they do have to show courtesy to me
3. It is up to my husband to set the tone with his kids about their behavior towards me
4. He needs to grow more of a backbone. He has had codependent issues and still struggles with wanting to be the people pleaser. He hates conflict and that is part of why we'ere at this point now.

Is there anything I can do? How should I act towards them? Should my husband listen to them bitch about me or does he need to tell them to mind their own business? Am I out of bounds in requesting that the daughter start including me in cards, talking to my civilly? Should my husband see a counselor to learn how to better stand up for himself? I am sick of these adult children being more disruptive to our marriage than anything else!

smdh's picture

Do you really want your name included if you know you had to beg to be put on there?

I know it hurts, but don't lower yourself for them. The more they think they're hurting you, the more they'll behave like idiots. THey're moochers. They're manipulative users. Do you really care what someone like that thinks of you? My advice is to stop caring about whether or not they like you. That is there problem. THe only thing that matters is that your dh doesn't allow them to treat you badly - that doesn't mean he should beg them to speak to you. How does your dh handle it when they bitch about you? Here is what he needs to tell them "I respect your opinion, but I love my wife and I will not tolerate hearing you say negative things about her so keep it to yourself or get lost". He definitely shouldn't listen to them bitch about you. That is silently condoning it (and in their minds probably agreeing with them).

alieannie's picture

I appreciate everyone's comments. Yesterday DH and I had a long talk. He agreed that their behavior is unacceptable and this can't go on any longer. When the daughter comes to visit, the three of us are going to talk. She'll get a chance to bring up any concerns she has, I will tell her how her behavior thus far has made me feel in a polite and respectful way, and he is telling her a number of things: she may not like me but she has to at least be polite and make an effort, that we are married and a package deal so she can't have Daddy all to herself whenever and however she wants, she has to realize that I am a major part of his life and that's simply the way it is. We also plan to tell her that all her poor behavior will do is alienate herself from us, that there is no way she is creating a wedge in our marriage. He also wants to tell her that if she really loves him and wants him to be happy, then she would at least attempt to be civil to me, because he is as happy as ever. She seems to still not have come to terms with her mother's death, but she cannot use it as an excuse to treat me poorly. That's misplaced anger and is her issue. The SS is the same way, and he's getting the same talk, too.

I really like how he is planning to make it crystal clear that we are a team and a package deal, so if they want to have a relationship with their father, then they have to come to terms with me. If their poor behavior would continue, then they wouldn't be visiting in our home.

I also brought up how they do seem to have a sense of entitlement and cited examples of how I dislike how they treat him poorly, like never sending even a birthday card, or the time his son demanded which restaurant we eat at, even though he's never picked up the bill, once. They don't call much, but when they do, most of the time it's about money, which now they get none! He agreed with me and is going to continue working on setting boundaries and not let them push him around so.

It will be VERY interesting to see how these talks go. I wonder how much of a tantrum they'll put up. But maybe they'll surprise me... we'll see. I would like to have a casual friendship with them, if possible, but I don't see their behavior changing in a way that would allow that to happen.

I am proud of how receptive my husband has been to my side of this. Initially he was defensive of his kids' behavior, but I think some of that came from his own guilt of getting remarried. Over time it's gotten better to where now he is supportive of me and I know I come first. He likes not feeling controlled by his kids the way it was before.

lucy51's picture

Early on in my marriage to a man with adult children I became furious when they didn't even acknowledge my birthday, especially since I was the one who bought them gifts. I talked to my husband about it. The following year I received cards. After that it was nothing again. You can't ask them to love you or even like you. I don't care for them at all but put 17 years in trying to become a part of the family. It didn't work. Now they are viciously fighting me over inheritance issues. They are out of my life. Good riddance. Nothing but misery for 17 years!

Towanda's picture

Lucy51 I too got a card ONCE with a gift certificate. (don't ask how many thousands I spent on them with weddings and college). However, when the hate letters came flying in, one of them had the audacity to write that they PAID for a present for me one year. They also noted that I was always "invited" to every event. Invited.....gheez! Family events to me mean you just show up. Apparently they had "let" me come to my own house for holidays. Silly me! Blum 3