Biomom strikes again!
Well, to preface this a little bit my SD is 13 and has been to 12 different schools and most recently was homeschooled (by me since biomom is in her own words, "too stupid to help her"). Last November, bm pulled SD out of school and told her they were moving yet again. Two days later she changed her mind and told SD that she could do homeschooling for the rest of 7th grade. DH shelled out the money for the program and books and by February not a single lesson had been turned in. At that point, I took over and said that I would work with her so that she could finish and go back to public school for 8th grade. DH and I had SD Wed- Fri every week and she would come to the office with us and do her school work, but the problem is, that is the only time she did school work. Biomom never made her do any work while SD was with her. Also during this time I was planning my wedding and DH and I were trying to get our business built up so it was crucial for SD to not only do her work while she was with us but also to do her work while she was at her mom's. Needless to say, this never happened, SD did not finish the program in time and now it is time for school to start again. Biomom decided to try to enroll SD in 8th grade anyway and told DH that they would let SD in 8th grade as long as she passed the TAAS test. Well, DH got a call from the school this morning saying that SD was not eligible to go into the 8th grade and would have to repeat 7th grade. Now he wants to pay money that we don't have to get an extension on SD's homeschooling AND pay to homeschool her for the first semester of 8th grade so that she can start second semester back at public school.
Now, I love my SD but if she is not going to do her work when she has repeatedly been given deadlines on assignments and has chosen instead to sit on her butt while she was at her mom's then I think she needs to learn that there are consequences for your actions. The fact is, her mother never should have pulled her out of school in the first place and at the very least should have put her right back in when she decided not to move, but ultimately, SD knew she had work to do, knew there was a deadline and still only cracked a book when she was with us.
Of course this all caused a huge fight between me and DH because he is determined to bail her out and I don't think he should, especially since I will be the one who has to help her with her work, find the testing centers and hound her constantly to do her work. She already has enough bad examples and doesn't need to start a pattern of "It doesn't matter, Dad will fix it". Besides, if she couldn't finish one semester in 6 months, how in the hell can he expect her to finish a semester and a half in 3???? ARRGGH!
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Oh, and one more thing!
I forgot to mention that biomom just moved (again) (with her 3 daughters, all from different dads) in with a guy she has known 2 months who has custody of his 14yo son. I don't even want to imagine what kind abuse my SD could be in for now! At least now DH is determined to get custody and is trying to find an attorney who will actually do something for all the money they want. If anyone knows of a good attorney in Dallas, PLEASE let me know!
You are helping out too mcuh!
It sounds to me like your dh is relying on you a little too much. I use to be really bad about this with my ss and dh, I did all the organizing, planning, running around, and I got totally overwhelmed, and felt under valued because no one was appreciative of all the work I was putting into raising my ss. Furthermore, no one valued my opinion on what should happen, no matter how much work I had done.
My advice is that if your dh wants to pay the money for her education, then he can accept his responsibility to hound her to do her homework, find the centers, etc...he can do the work.
Of course it doesn't really bother him to bail her out, because you are the one doing all the work. In a sense, you are bailing him, bailing her out.
If I were in this situation myself, I would withdraw from helping out so much. Find things you are comfortable helping out with, but without taking over 100% responsibility.
Thank you...
I guess you are right, they are all relying on me too much and I have felt resentful that I seem to be the only one taking any responsibility for SD's education. The fact is, she has potential to do great things and I don't want her to lose out on any opportunities just because no adult in her life made an effort to educate her. I am at the point though that I am tired of worrying about it- if she doesn't want to do her schoolwork, then she can fail and if her mom wants to take her out for body piercings or teach her to smoke, drink or work in a strip club (reference to previous post) then so be it.
I wanted to get married and have my own children and do my best to bring them up right, not get married and have to deal with someone else's piss-poor parenting. Anyway, I have decided that I am not going to do as much. If SD has questions about her schoolwork I will help her however I can, but it is not my job to be the mother while biomom just tries to be a buddy.
BTW, we just had another call from the school and it looks like SD will have to repeat the 7th grade no matter what now.
Go get a massage!!!!
You sound like I did 4 years ago. I did everything to show my ss a normal childhood. He moved every 3 months, his mom married guys on the whim, lasting only 4 months, there always someone camping on her couch. She got pg again 4 years ago from a one night stand...I could go on and on...
My point being, I have done a lot of work to show ss a normal loving life. Want to know what I get in return? A ss who absolutely hates me to the core. I know I shouldn't do things for a return, but when a child and his mother are using you, then it is time to stop.
Our therapists keeps telling me to stay in ss's life because I'm the only normal responsible female adult in his life, but I'm exhausted. One of the reasons that my ss hates me is because I point out (only by being normal) the abnormalities of his mother, and it pisses him off. He essentially wants his mother to be more like me.
Well I'm tired, and feeling pretty bitter these days, and I don't like it. What I do know is that no matter how much work I put into my ss, his mother will be right there pulling the carpet out from underneath me because she wants to be his buddy. Just like in your situation.
Don't do all the leg work for other people's children. You dh can do the work, after all, it is his child. If/When you guys get custody, then you can do things differently, but until then...take it easy.
Oh, you should get yourself a massage too!!!
P.S. sorry to hear that the biomom doesn't care about her daughter's education...that is really sad. I'm hoping that is proof enough that you guys deserve custody. Good luck.
You know, you are so right!
You know, you are so right! Why am I the one stressing about all this??? I am not the one who knocked up some white trash....bimbo! I am not the one who is screwing up SD's life! It is not my place to make sure she gets an education. It is not my kid and not my problem! I don't need to put any extra strain on my marriage by worrying about or getting involved in someone else's parenting responsibility. I don't want to be bitter and resentful toward my SD or my husband. My only concern should be for my new marriage and the "normal" family that I hope for DH and I to have of our own one day. I'll have plenty of stress to deal with then and at least that will be of my own making!