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so it all came to a head....and I got called out.......

dledden's picture

for NOT LIKING THE SKID! Yes, it finally surfaced and POPPED!

Ive pushed fiancee into getting me 2x a week OFF from SKID over the summer. Kid LOVES to go to his grandparents house, where he lived his whole life until he moved in with me a year ago. For those of you who aren't familiar with me/my posts, ss8 is autistic. That being said, he needs some calm time for himself. Away from me, away from my kids, away from the loudness and splashing of the pool, etc. U get the picture. AND, it gives me some much-needed ALONE TIME with just me and my children. Not fiancee, me and my children, just me and my 2 bios.

So, he starts with me on Fri night about it. How i'm treating his son like an 'outcast'....i'm like 'noooo, i'm simply giving us all what we NEED" emphasis on the word need. Remember, dad's still living in la-la land where his kid's autism is concerned. he doesn't realize the kid would much rather have peace and quiet and sit on his ass and play on the computer, watch tv, video games, etc. rather than be at the pool all day every day in the summer. It's sad that I know his kid better than he does. So...the fighting starts......

So he's like "you hate my kid"..to which I replied "hate's an awfully strong word, but ok, if you must"....I said you've left me with a kid who's autism needs you blatantly disregarded for over THREE years and now I have to deal with all the repercussions of that. i said it's like having a 3 year old in the house!!!! And, yes...oh yes, I said it "HE'S NOT MY KID and I DONT EVEN THINK HEs YOURS EITHER" and you expect me to LOVE him? Well, i'm sorry, I just don't. NOT MY KID, will never love him like I love my own kids....impossible. I tolerate him, i feed him, i wash and fold his clothes, attend to his needs like feeding and drinks....and that I really cannot do ANY MORE than that!

He tried to pull the "my kid isn't the cause of all your problems" one on me. I of course replied that i could give him any number of witnesses at the pool that can attest to how difficult the kid acts for me over there. As far as home, well, it's my word only. So, it's nice to have people actually SEE how hard this kid is. GOD dad is so clueless.....so we keep fighting it out and I finally say that if he doesn't want to marry me because I don't love his kid, that's totally fine. But, at least it's out on the table. I won't ever have love and 'affection' (that was another thing he complained about, no affection for the kid....sorry i just don't have it~im nice to him when i have to be, but i don't 'touch' him or 'cuddle' him ever!) for him the way I do my kids. So....when it's all said and done (drumroll please)>>>>>>>dad says "of course I want to marry you".......

OF COURSE YOU DO, u know WHY? because I know in my heart of hearts, that deeeeeeeep down inside fiancee, he KNOWS this kid is a burden, knows he's difficult to manage, knows that getting anyone else to try to mother this kid like his BIOMOM should be doing is pretty much next to impossible.

So, at least it's out there now, the words have been SPOKEN, and it's not my dirty little secret from fiancee any longer!!!

Want my life back's picture

Truth be known,It is difficult enough to mother your own bio autistic child let alone someone's else's autistic child. My heart goes out to you, yor fiancé should be grateful for all the efforts you put in. You are right men have the head up their arse when it comes to the day to day stressors of dealing with a Child with a disability. Statistics would proove a large proportion of marriages breakdown due to stressors of raising the child, it's the men that can't handle it, and this child is not yours. Your fiancé should be counting his blessing to have you.

TASHA1983's picture

I am in the same boat as you...minus the Autism part. I also cant stand my ss10 and my bf KNOWS EVERYTHING about how I feel...and he STILL wants to be with me and marry me someday!!! Loving someone elses child like you love your own is NOT EASY NOR WILL IT EVER BE IMHO...like another sm on here put it...it is like going to Walmart and picking up some random kid and being told that you have to love them, feed them, and treat them like your own!!! To which 99% of the population in their RIGHT MIND would say are you f'n kidding me???!!!!

Your fiancee shoule be counting his blessings and THEN SOME just for the fact that you TOLERATE and dont do what so many other women would/could do to a kid that drove them crazy and wasnt theres!!! Just watch the news to see what psycho sm's are doing to kids these days!!!

Your fiancee needs to stop expecting/demanding anything from you in regards to HIS KID period!!! Whatever you do for his kid should be YOUR CHOICE not expected or demanded and you should never be made to feel that you are obligated to love/raise his kid just because he might be loving and helping you raise your kids!!!

Whatever you do or whatever he does for EITHER OF YOU & HIS KIDS should be because YOU WANT TO DO IT!!!! When men start expecting and demanding we do things for their kids or love their kids etc if we dont want to or we just arent ready to take that step yet that is when resentment and bad feelings really come to roost!!! Nobody likes or wants to be told that they NEED to do something that they simply do not want to do!!!

If your fiancee wants to be with you he NEEDS TO RESPECT YOU AND YOUR FEELINGS...BOTTOM LINE!!! HE CHOOSES TO BE WITH YOU AND STAY WITH YOU....therefore he SHOULD ACCEPT YOU for who and what you are and not try to change you or rush you into something you dont want to do!!!! That is what love is all about!!! Either he loves you and respects your feelings about his kid OR he needs to cut the shit and leave!!!!

dledden's picture

biomom's in a drug-induced state somewhere in the city. she rears her head about 3x a year to come take her kid for a weekend or an afternoon...I pray DAILY that she'll clean herself up and start taking a role in the kid's care but she's been away from him since he was 2, never once tried to get him back, he's almost 9 now Sad

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

My husband's ex is the same. She supposedly has it somewhat together now, but the boys are adults and it is far too late to try and forge a relationship. I used to be like WTF were you thinking knocking her up twice in a year? It is mind boggling, but then again, I chose him and his kids so how smart does that make me?

I have raised my stepkids since they were 3 and 4, now 18 and 19. I was 23 years old when I married my husband which was far too young and I had very unrealistic expectations of my stepkids. I do regret some choices I made in the past regarding them but I cannot unring that bell. You have a long road ahead of you especially if you really dislike your stepchild and if you have to force yourself to tolerate him. I am sure if your stepson had his way he would have a loving mother and not have autism, but unfortunately those are not the cards he was dealt.

If you are in a partnership with your significant other, then you two have to be on the same page regarding the child in order for the relationship to work. Going to the grandparent's house twice a week is an awesome idea and it gives the child and you a break from each other. That should be a no-brainer for your SO. Doesn't your SS's school district have summer programs for kids with special needs? I know my son's district and two summer sessions for special ed kids.

One thing I would suggest is not waiting til the issue comes to an emotional, anger fueled head. When you wait too long to discuss problems, both sides end up saying things they don't mean. I know it is easier said than done, but I make a conscious effort to not let things bottle up.

dledden's picture

I do feel better.....but I think it's gonna take more than just this one 'argument' to get it through his head! stay tuned.....

Orange County Ca's picture

Do I understand it correctly that you intend to marry this man?

What has he done to warrsnt such a dismal future?
What has his kid done to warrant such a dismal future?
What have your kid(s) done to warrant such a dismal future?
What did you do to warrant such punishment?

I assume some power greater than all of you has proclaimed this to be and you are powerless to stop it from going forward?

dledden's picture

Fiancee's future will be far from dismal....
Stepkid's earned an ADVOCATE for his social/emotional/physical needs
my kids love stepkid....
me, i dunno what i did to warrant such punishment, honestly. i've been through enough!

dledden's picture

He didn't say ANYTHING....he knows I think it, and that I always have! I remember back when we first started dating and i met his kid and thinking about how the kid didn't look a THING like him, just chalked it up to the fact that he must look like the mother (which he does, to a t). Then when the family started filling me in on dad and baby momma history and telling me they all thought the kid wasn't his, it kinda all clicked. I know he'll never agree to a paternity test though. He wouldn't have one at the urging of his family when the kid was born, he certainly isn't going to wanna get hit in the face with what i'm sure is the truth, that he aint got any biological connection to that child. Plus what would it change other than his relationship with that kid? Aint like we are gonna just say "ok kid, i'm not your dad, see ya later"... He needs to believe that kid is his...if that makes him happy, so be it!

TASHA1983's picture

Believe me if I was in your shoes I would be like are you outta your fucking mind....think of the possibilities...NO MORE CHILD SUPPORT, NO MORE BEING TIED DOWN AND PUTTING UP WITH KIDS AND BM BULLSHIT, NO MORE WONDERING, YOU NAME IT!!!!

LMBO!!!!!!!!!! Wink

Wishful thinking...I know,I know Smile