RickAluma's picture

Custodial Parent v. non Custodial Parent allowing drinking

I am the non-custodial parent of my two sons (ages 20 and 19). I have been divorced for roughly six years from my sons' bio mom. During our divorce I tried my best for two years to gain custody of my sons. Ultimately the boys decided they wanted to live with their mother and the court granted that. I am an active dad and very much love my sons.

One of the reasons why I fought so hard for custody was their mother is a bad role model. She has been in and out of jobs, has been evicted numerous times and now that the boys are getting older lets them drink (while they are still under age).

I don't know what to do. The boys are allowed to drink over to her house and then when they come over to my house, my new wife has a fit that they are drinking underage. My oldest son has even gotten into some legal trouble and is currently on 3 years unsupervised probation. I am greatly concerned about this because he does drink and he is not suppose to be.

Recently we had a party at our house and the kids got into some beer and other stuff and my new wife caught them and laid down about the drinking and now they think she is the evil stepmom when she was just trying to do the right thing.

I am very generous with my boys. They come over all the time and eat, wash their cars weekly, do their laundry, I just gave my youngest a car and whenever they ask me for anything I try and help them as much as I can. I have even bailed my oldest out of jail a couple of times (helping with lawyers, etc...not cheap!).

They are getting a double message sent to them by their bio mom allowing inappropriate behavior and then me and my wife not allowing that same behavior at our home. I have tried to talk to my ex but it's futile.

How would you handle the boys. What kind of tough love is appropriate here. Any thoughts, suggestions.

mella's picture

How do you handle it? Your

How do you handle it? Your house, your rules. If they want to consume underage and violate their probation, they can go do it somewhere else.

RickAluma's picture

Yes, they are both over 18 so

Yes, they are both over 18 so they are "adults", but they both still live with their bio mom. Neither one is out on their own.

I am just shocked by their disrespect for my new wife by how they react when she tells them that underage drinking is not allowed in our home.

morgan_minx80's picture

Yep you need to lay down the

Yep you need to lay down the law. Not your wife. If you are both consistent about the rules then they can either put up or shut up cant they.

Yes BM im jealous of your RAPIST fiance, if I were you id put a bell on him just to warn other poor women he's coming

smartone's picture

Personally, my parents

Personally, my parents allowed us to drink some at home (Mom is German) and I turned out normal LOL.

But I was NEVER *given* a car. Why are you giving either of these children a car?! And you ask how to use tough love? YOU MAKE THEM EARN ANYTHING THEY WANT FROM YOU. They have already been arrested? OMG my parents woulda killed me.

emotionaly beat up's picture

So they are drinking underage

So they are drinking underage and have been in trouble with the law, you think their bm is a bad role model and you bail them out and give them cars, why, as a reward for underage drinking, getting into trouble with the law and treating your new wife who you say is doing the right thing as the evil stepmother.

YOu say you are very generous with them, and that they are getting mixed messages from their mother. I think you too are giving them mixed messages. You bailed your son out once, fair enough, then he gets in trouble again, so you bail him out again, what message do you give him. Do what you like son, I'll bail you out. If you really do love your sons, parent them. Start by making sure that if there is a next time for bail money, it is a loan and it has to be paid back. Teach them your home is not a B&B, stop trying to be their friend, you have a responsility to these boys that friends don't have. They according to you do not have much of a role model in their mother, so you be one. Teach them to be responsible, teach them that nothing in this world is free, teach them to be part of your family and do their share of the chores, not just use the place for meals,laundry and car washing. Most importantly you say your new wife is doing the right thing by those boys, then make damn sure they respect her for that and you need to learn from your new wives behaviour, so that she is not put in the position of being the evil stepmother by you. You are the one who needs to tell them NO underage drinking etc. in your home. Your house, your rules. If you do not support your wife while she is doing the right thing, you are setting your marriage up to fail, you are going to cause a rift between her and your sons and that in turn will cause a rift between you and her. No woman wants a husband who lets his kids disresect her, and no woman will sit by for too long watching her husband supply his kids with luxuries while these kids are flaunting the law and taking it all for granted.