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BM texted me .. she wants to talk

SMof2Girls's picture

She wants to know if I'm willing to sit down and talk to her.

Is this a trap?

We get the skids full time for the summer starting Friday, and she's been relatively quiet the past week until today. There was a flare up over day care, but we knew that was coming.

Her and DH have mediation tomorrow morning. She has historically wanted to meet me to discuss parenting expectations, etc.

Thoughts? Is she up to something? We've met face to face one time before and she pretty much snubbed me the whole time, but maybe she's got that out of her system?

DH and I are also trying to get MORE time with the skids, which is much easier if she agrees. Do you think my good faith efforts would be beneficial? UGH!

Wolfey's picture

I second mccoy.there is no need for a sitdown.this is not the Godfather trilogy.anything she has to say to you can be said via email.it's more organized,less stressful,and you'll have a record of whatever she says

overworkedmom's picture

Ok... Just to play devils advocate (because I think if she wants to talk it should be with their father, not you) but maybe she wants to create a better relationship in co-parenting. Maybe she thinks that if you guys have a coffee and chat about the kids you can have an open and communicative relationship.

Probably not and this is all a trap for her to dig something out to throw at you later... but maybe she is trying to be a grown up.

overworkedmom's picture

That would be hilarious! Do it! Show up with a tea set and tell her you are ready to play pretend friends now

Jsmom's picture

Not your place to communicate with her. Let her communicate with DH. Everytime we try on here we get burned. Learn from the rest of us who have tried only to have BM wage war on us.

SMof2Girls's picture

He has absolutely supported my choice to not meet her in the past. He would never ask me to, or force me to. I just sometimes wonder if it's worth biting the bullet and making an effort for her.

I don't see it ever changing.

instantfamily's picture

Wait, why is she texting you? Is she a 12 year old girl? Adults call each other unless there's a CO in place insisting that you communicate in another way. The mere fact that she's texting you would make me suspicious. Do NOT text back- ever! They can be so misconstrued and used against you. If you haven't texted her back as of yet, have DH somehow drop the bomb that if you had it before, you have a new plan without it or there is some friends and family plan you have and no one outside of it can have a message received.
I have clients who text me and I don't respond and tell them it's an inappropriate way for us to communicate given our relationship or just say I don't have texting through work.

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

OMG NEVER!! Especially not before mediation. Hell no, how does she even have your phone number??

SMof2Girls's picture

Oh that? She hacked into DH's email years ago and got it.

She has only texted me a handful of times.

Pilgrim Soul's picture

Absolutely yes. Meet, greet, sit down, talk, do anything to make it better.
If it does not bring the desired results, you will have the satisfaction of knowing you have taken the high road and done your best to normalize things.

I am both a SM and a BM, and while vis-a-vis my step-kids BM things are very negative, i ( as a bio-mom to my two teens) have pulled off quite a coup over the Memorial Day weekend and after a confrontation with their SM made peace with her. We are now pretty much BFFs: friends on FB, text and email each other all the time, discuss our summer plans for the kids, problem-solve, etc.
It is MUCH better and i feel like i have really accomplished something very significant.

It's worth a try.

Kate2007's picture

Don't meet if there are any on going legal dealings. She could very well be looking for something to give her an advantage in the negotiations.
If everything is settled legally and she still wants to talk. Then give it a shot but have your wits about you.

BM sent me a rude email about a month ago that upset both DH and I. DH dealt with it and then told BH she owed me an apology. The emails between us didn't go well and we decided to talk. It went pretty well. I got an opportunity to tell her things she's done that I didn't like and told her my expectations of her in different situations. We came to an agreement. She made excuses for some things and said she'd tried others. I don't have a lot of confidence in that but it did feel good to have to opportunity to explain that certain things she's done has affected DH and I negatively and if she would like an amicable relationship (which we all agree would be best for SD5) she has to start thinking about how her actions affect us.
Time will tell if things get better but for now it was nice to release the negative thoughts.

Orange County Ca's picture

Take it at face value. She initiated it. If it goes sour you can get up and walk away. Don't prejudge her.

SMof2Girls's picture

Thanks everyone. Every fiber of me tells me to ignore her, but there's a little inkling in me that feels some sort of obligation to at least try.

I told her I'm not willing to talk to her until mediation is done and all issues have been finalized as I will not be placed in the middle of disagreements in which I have no say.

I haven't committed to anything, but I felt like totally blowing her off or ignoring right before mediation would not start things off very well.

Mediation started at 9:15 this am. DH was stuck at work until 4:45 am. He's dead on his feet.

stormabruin's picture

I agree with the others. She doesn't get to tell you how to parent or behave in your home. Entertaining her request will lead her to believe she has any kind of say in what happens in your home.

If she has concerns regarding parenting, she can discuss them with your DH...their other parent.

I guarantee you, she has not gotten anything out of her system. This would just give her opportunity to "put you in your place".

lily11's picture

Based on my own experiences with a BM, I also agree with everybody's advice to ignore her. It sounds like she could be wanting to be a part of your household and by talking to her she might consider that an open invitation. Her foot would definitely be in the door and you'll have a heck of a time getting her out. You don't need the added stress of her being a part of your life. If you do talk to her, I would suggest being prepared to establish some very clear boundaries with her up front.

SMof2Girls's picture

"Our BM asked for a woman-to-woman sit-down with me, and all she wanted to do was cry and tell me how hard it is for her to be away from her daughter and that I wouldn't understand because I'm not a mother."

I think that hit the nail on the head. She texted me yesterday, mediation was this morning. She continued to go on and on about wanting to know the woman who was taking care of her kids, etc. She never once got crappy or mean, but more or less was trying to make me "understand her situation". She even flat out admitted that she is selfish and doesn't always do what's in the best interest of the kids.

*sigh*

I haven't agreed to meet her yet; I will wait for the agreed upon changes (two very minimal changes) to be finalized and signed off on before that happens.

SMof2Girls's picture

To clarify, the only text I sent back was telling her that I would consider it after all mediation changes were finalized. She continued to text me (about 24 texts in total) after that. No response from me.

The only reason I didn't tell her to stop text me (as I've done in the past), was because she offered the bit about being selfish and knowingly not doing what was right for the kids. I kind of felt like, if by not stopping her I give her enough rope .... }:)

Kate2007's picture

I think you handled it very will. Was wise not to ignore her totally before the mediation and wiser not to reply to her 24 messages! That's a little excessive.

Hope things went well for your DH today.