ddame08's picture

How Hard is Marriage When Your SO has Sole Custody?

My SO has sole custody of his son and it's been that way for since he was an infant. How do those of you in similar situations handle it?

knucklehead's picture

It's been easier...simply

It's been easier...simply because you don't have to deal with the "crazy" of the other parent. The bio and step can basically "set up their lives" the way they choose without any intervention.

ddame08's picture

How do you work out alone

How do you work out alone time? I have no children and I've never been married so I have some angst about us being able to have alone time. My SO does a great job of making sure we spend time together now but I worry that it will change after marriage and as his son gets older.

knucklehead's picture

Well, think about it this

Well, think about it this way:
How did you guys date? How did you get from "meeting" him somewhere to forming a relationship with him?
I'd be willing to bet you've been able to spend time together up to this point, so the idea is just to keep it going like that.
I recommend a date night once every week or two, and during the times when you are home, make the moments count. When the kid goes to bed, enjoy a little snuggle time. I won't lie...marriage "tames" many things down. You need to WORK at keeping the relationship strong and loving and keeping the bond alive between you two. I think that's necessary whether there are kids, no kids, steps, bios, etc. Someday, if you have bios of your own, you'll notice that free time and energy comes at a premium and you need to make the most of what you have.

Honestly, and I may get flamed for saying this, but I don't think all people are cut out to be stepparents, much like I don't think all people are cut out to be parents. There are posters on here that I just shake my head and think WTH are they with someone with kids?? They CLEARLY can't handle it. But... well, lots of butts.

cant win for losin's picture

knucklehead, i agree. not

knucklehead, i agree. not everyone is cut out to be stepparents.

and that is not at stab at anyone. not pointing fingers at any stepparents.

TASHA1983's picture

^^^^^^I agree with the last 2

^^^^^^I agree with the last 2 posters....step-parenting is not for everyone...in my case I don't want to be a sep-parent whatsoever or labeled as such....I am with my SO for HIM ONLY. I realize he comes with +2 (skid/bm) but evenso it is HIS kid and he is responsible for him and how he turns out etc. thankfully my SO knows how I feel and accepts it.

To the OP I strongly urge you to really think long and hard about marrying a man with a child especially if you dont have any kids of your own. You are not tied down to anyone or anything, you are one of the fortunate ones! Only you can know and decide if this is something that you want to commit to for the long haul...and it sounds like you have a few reservations and are hesitant to enter into marriage because you do seem to realize the reality that this situation will bring to you and your life. I wish you the best! I hope it all works out for you!

NOT my kid....NOT my problem!!!

Seriously...just GO AWAY!!!

stepalong's picture

am so glad we have full

am so glad we have full custody (BM gets 1st and 3rd wknds)--our rules and "norms" prevail-not BM's

dledden's picture

my fiancee has had sole

my fiancee has had sole custody of his son since infancy too. But like TASHA1983 said above, i'm with fiancee for HIM, not for the kid. I still pray to God, Buddha, Allah, and whatever other Gods there mayt be that biomom comes out of her drug-induced state and will start taking him at least every other weekend or something more than once every 6 months. I had to decide did I want fiancee WITH his baggage kid, or be without him. So, i'm taking the baggage. I have 2 biosons that live with me fulltime also and they like ss8, so at least the kid will get something out of this union we're all entering into. I was definitely not meant to be a fulltime stepmom, but it is what it is and I deal with it the best I can.

If GOD wanted me to LOVE my SKID, he'd have made me his BIO MOMMA!!!

Mrsbmckee's picture

I am a stepmom and if I would

I am a stepmom and if I would have known how hard it was I would not have done it. I love my husband dearly but I am one of those people that is not cut out for step parenting. My issues arose when we had our first child together. The different treatment and the lack of discipline is too much sometimes. It maybe different if you don't have to deal with the kid being at someone else home part time because they will learn your rules. The problem with a lot of step children is they see you as not their mother/father and in turn don't listen or respect you. If you have a supportive partner it may be easier. My advice is to look at how being with your spouse with a child is going to affect your life and it will forever. If you can handle it then best of luck!