Deciding to be a stepdad
Newbie here...could really use some advice from stepdads. My situation seems to be quite different from anything I've read on here so far, hence the new post.
I have one bio daughter, 4 yrs. Her bio dad has never been involved in her life. 6 months ago I met a man of whom I can honestly say is the one for me, and he feels the same way about me. We are deliriously happy together and have been discussing the future; marriage, kids, etc.
Problem is, he is very much the bachelor and is used to his freedom. He wants kids (one day) and is having a very hard time with accepting stepparenting- he is worried that he will feel trapped, will not get any respect, and will never love my daughter as his own. I think these are all valid concerns and have done my best to be patient and understanding.
He keeps telling me how much he loves me and how perfect we are for each other...but then tags on an "almost." He has spent some time with her and is great with her, but says he doesn't feel anything for her. Recently we had a "sleepover" at his place, the three of us. It seemed to hit him pretty hard.
I don't ever introduce men to my daughter unless I'm sure the relationship is strong and committed. She has met only one other man before. I love this man and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. The relationship he and I have is going wonderfully...except for this. I feel like I should know the answer but maybe I'm missing something. I don't ever want to convince someone to be with me. What can I do to help alleviate his fears or come to a decision?
Thanks in advance for your help and advice 
Well, I say you just go ahead
Well, I say you just go ahead and move on in with him, because you already knew he had reservations about the MOST important part of your life, and you did a sleepover anyway... You say your relationship is strong and committed...EXCEPT... He has told you he feels nothing for her. Dang, he doesn't even care enough to lie and pretend he does. He is screaming for a way out. He does not want to be a stepdad. I'm worried he's going to ask you to get rid of her, and you are going to consider it! Wake up and find someone who will accept her, or for God's sake, stay single!
Well I'd agree with
Well I'd agree with you...EXCEPT...for every reason that makes him nervous he has one or two more reasons for staying and working through it. I have had very open and honest discussions with him about our situation and I do not think he is "screaming" to get out. If he wanted out that badly he would have been gone already.
I've done my research on this, and I'm an intelligent, well-educated woman. It is unrealistic to hope or ask that a step-parent feel love immediately or ever for their step-child. If it grows naturally, great. The fact that he does not feel any emotional bond toward a child that is not his biologically and that he has spent a very limited amount of time with does not surprise nor alarm me.
I have enough respect for myself and my daughter's life and well-being to dump any man who would even entertain the thought of "asking to get rid of her..." I care about both of them and if it is possible, would like to help him through the decision or transition process.
I think by your post you
I think by your post you realize that coaxing him into it wouldn't be the right thing to do. You just need to be honest and open to his feelings, but perhaps also set some kind of limit; he may stay on the fence forever if you let that happen. Be honest with yourself about whether it makes sense to give him time or to move on.
It's completely natural for him to feel trepidations about taking on a family that is not his own. I think this is true for men more than women. All you can do is show him the kind of partner and mother you will be. Show him that you will parent your child and not expect him to do so. Show him that you will support him if he does want to parent her; or that you will support his decision not to; and regardless of that that you will always listen to his feelings and make the health of your relationship top priority. Show him that you will expect respect and good behavior from your daughter towards him. If he sees and hears all of this, as well as gets more of a taste of what life will be like with you both, he must come to the decision on his own. But, he still may not.
Also, you both need to understand that it's not unusual for a stepparent to never love the kid "like their own", and neither of you should expect that. I have been with my SO and his skids for over 3 years and frankly I still don't feel that much for them. I want them to be safe, happy and healthy, but I don't love them.
That has also been in our
That has also been in our discussions- his preferred role. And he does not want to feel like he cannot speak his mind or have control of situations in his own home, and I do not want him to feel as though he was being pushed aside and discounted. So yes, I do want a potential step-father to have an active role...and that's the role that he has expressed he wants.
Let's be clear that speaking
Let's be clear that speaking one's mind and having control over situations in his home is not even close to parenting a kid. These should be a given if you cohabitate, regardless of parenting choices.
What is not a given is whether or not he makes decisions about the child, disciplines her, is considered to be the default babysitter when you are not available, makes meals for her, cleans up after her, takes her to school and activities, is present at games and shows and ceremonies, pays for her myriad expenses, etc. All of this is an incredibly large burden.
I think it is unrealistic to
I think it is unrealistic to expect a step parent to love a step child as their own...your biological child is someone you have know and bonded with from the second they were born and when they were born you didn't just love them anymore, you fell IN LOVE with them, so very different from just loving them. However, given his attitude I would worry if you went ahead with this relationship and had children with him, you would have to be very, very careful that he did not treat HIS child with you differently to YOUR daughter. It ia okay if he loves his bio child differently, it is not okay to play favourites with HIS bio. It is not fair to inflict a life like that on your daughter, she will suffer greatly from it. Can you trust him not to treat his bio child differently, as more special, because your daughter will see it.
Very insightful Old Dart. Its
Very insightful Old Dart. Its not even my blog and i felt i learned a little something from you. Thank you.
I've seen several of your
I've seen several of your comments around here, thanks for replying to mine! However, this whole step-parenting notion is utterly depressing. I am not enjoying the environment of this community already because of how negative it is. I am getting tired of people saying "I hate my step-child" and imagining that applying to my situation. My daughter is 4, not a teenager. She'll grow into one of course, but two parents instead of one would make quite a difference.
I believe two very important things: 1) I deserve to have love in my life and my daughter deserves to have a good role model for men...and I am not condemned to be alone and miserable just because I am a single mom. 2) We may not be able to change our situations in life, but we can certainly change how we feel and react to them.
With that said, I have done extensive research on the feelings of the step-parent and I have a good understanding of the potential problems in store for us. I want my boyfriend to give it some time, that's all I'm really asking. From what I can tell he has gotten a taste of what he "thinks" life with a child will be like...and I think that what he has seen is inaccurate. It's his belief that the romance disappears, spontaneity disappears, no more vacations, the honeymoon will be in Disney World...and so on. I have friends and family members for whom this is not the case, and in his experience he has only seen couples who are tied down and miserable and hate each other. Is it any wonder that he is nervous? How to get him to see that it doesn't have to be that way...that is the question.
Part of the answer is money. The couples who are happy and free and not tied down have money and can afford a nanny, a good school, vacations alone with each other, etc. Money is not an issue in our relationship either...he's a doctor, and I also have a career in the healthcare industry. The other part of the answer (in my eyes) is that you have to work at it. If you let the romance go, its not going to stick around just because you love each other. Relationships take work!
Right now my daughter is the priority in my life. When I get married that relationship turns into an equal partnership...if that relationship does not have priority in my life then I will not be able to adequately care for her growth and development as she turns into an adult. I feel as though I am prepared for this kind of commitment and all of his concerns (although valid) are not issues that we would necessarily have. I have waited too long for a life long partner to treat him poorly when he finally arrives in my life.
So...how to calm his fears? I'm thinking that telling him that "one day when we have kids of our own, she can babysit for us!" is not the way to approach things...
Wow we are so different as
Wow we are so different as men. I am agree with certain things you wrote, and perhaps you are spot on in your analysis of male tendencies (in particular I agree about the thinking in expansionist terms part at the end!!), but speaking only for myself, I absolutely fell in love with my Skids. In fact, I believe I fell in love with them before I really fell in love with my wife.
OP - I agree that he is looking for a way out. But so was I, and I dated (off and on, but mostly on) my now wife for almost 9 years before we married. It does take time.
My case was more accepting her mother as my mother-in-law, not being happy about the A-hole father that these wonderful kids came from being in the picture, and financial obligations. Your situation sounds FAR different than mine. We do now have a kid of our own and we are thinking of one more, which would make a family with four kids with an age gap of 8-9 years between the sets of two half-siblings. The older two absolutely love and adore their little baby sister. Watching SS12 and how they have bonded is beautiful and shows flashes of how great a father he will be one day.
I too get fed up with the negativity. I have a lot of wonderful experiences with my family, and we ALL LOVE EACH OTHER!!! I cannot stress that enough. I think much of the negativity here came from people who fell in love with someone and then is "dealing" with the kids that come along with the package. However, if a person wants to marry a woman/man with kids from another man/woman, he/she must accept that it is a package deal. You cannot love just the life partner, but all the children are also different forms of life partners that you will forever be connected to through marriage. That is an awesome responsibility - regardless of parenting responsibilities. The commitment must be to family if it is to work. To love only one part of the family, that's just dangerous grounds for heartbreak and disaster.
It's also just as much about your kid(s) loving this new person in their life. If they don't, that too will always create a wedge in the family that will break it apart slowly over the years. Love must be there from all people for all people in the family. It can be done, but it may take longer than you are willing to wait. Like I said, 9 years for us to get there in our situation.
He's looking for a way out.
He's looking for a way out.
His mind/opinion is already set about your DD ~a kid he hasn't spent much time with.
Keep dating him and others. In time you'll meet a man who won't tag on an "almost" about your child. Keep him away from your DD.
People say he's "Looking for
People say he's "Looking for a way out" and that seems harsh towards your SO. Having kids around when you're not used to it is VERY, VERY hard to get used to. He may need time to get used to both the idea AND the actuallity.... or he plain old may not like it and not want to move forward. It took me a good while to get used to the idea of having kids around and now after a year of moving in together, I wish we had waited longer to move in together. No matter how prepared you think you are, it turns out differently.
Is he ready for kids waking him up at all hours? Ready for kids to eat all the food HE bought cause they don't know better?? Ready for kids to be sick in bed, or on the couch, bathroom floor??? Ready for kids to whine and fight and pout???
If you're not a parent, all of those things are a pretty big deal and will take a lot to get used to or accept.
I remember the first time my skid pouted and cried for over an hour for not getting what he wanted. My SO ignored him and I wanted to stop the truck, drag him out and make him sit on the side of the road until he stopped it!!!!
Be patient. He will either like it or hate it. Either way, you have to respect his decision as you can't make him like or love your kids anymore than you can force yourself to like or love his overbearing mother!!!
^^^ Totally this. My skids
^^^ Totally this.
My skids are pretty well-behaved and my SO parents them. But living with even the best kids can be totally overwhelming; as is watching the parenting happening when they aren't the best. They are kids, and they are self-centered by nature. When you are used to a world of adults, this is incredibly jarring. I'm guessing that that first night "hitting him hard" was exactly about that; even if your daughter was an absolute angel.
I'm a little late on this but
I'm a little late on this but what you said could of come from my mouth. I was that kind of guy, I was a bachelor for most of my life, lived alone. Everything was my way, left the way I left it and sharing my space with everyone was a very tough adjustment and it still is three years later.
In the beginning I spent a lot of nights at their place because it was the kids home. Some weekends they slept at my house and other nights when I wasn't in the mood, I stayed at home. After doing that for a year, they moved in but we should have waited a little bit longer.
Like you, I also had a hard time with pouting and crying over spilt milk. In our situation, I didn't handle it as well as you did, we argued over the kid acting like a brat and still do at times but we're a team and it's a tough road we're on.
Either way, I like your post and it home. Thanks!
Hmm, that seems harsh. How
Hmm, that seems harsh. How old do you think I am? And what indicates to you that I have done anything except put my daughter first in my life? If I didn't care for her, I certainly wouldn't be here seeking advice...but thanks for the unsolicited lecture.
I agree. 6 months when there
I agree.
6 months when there is a 4 year old in the mix? It screams to me as too soon. jmo
You need to recognize what he is TELLING you. (typically guys don't play games with their words - they say what they mean when they need to) He is not ready.
And in a response above, OP, you mention how you don't like the negative feel for this forum. Look - here's the skinny - being a step-parent is HARD. Not like parenting "the toughest job you'll love", but straight up HARD. You may or may not have feelings for your step kid. But you continue to try because you love your spouse.
As only a BM - I recommend you take the "MY Daughter" part out for a second and put yourself in his shoes. But instead of your daughter - I want you to imagine what your life would be like if your new neighbor dropped her 4 year old kid off at your house. And said he is going to live there from now on.
You may like kids in general - but you don't know this kid. Now he is YOUR responsibility. Oh he has medical problems? you need to pay for his docs/meds etc... Oh he has behavioral issues? Now you have to pay for the counseling and taxi him there and back. (and deal with his issues at home too) He doesn't like YOU? what? yeah. kids don't like every adult either. And now he is making YOUR life hell as he tries to get you to leave so he can go back to his own mom. And did I mention that when she dropped him off she said - you can't discipline him either, because that would bruise his poor little ego???
Your daughter might be lovely, well behaved and everyone adores her. But to this guy you've recently started dating - she is just a kid that he has met.
Get what I'm saying?
I would recommend dating this man a bit longer before re-introducing your child to the mix. No reason to dump him - but don't put the pressure on him. Your daughter needs a father figure - but maybe he isn't ready for that kind of responsibility. In time, he might change his stance to acceptance, or he might recognize that his feelings aren't going to change.
It wasn't my idea, it was
It wasn't my idea, it was his. Riddle me that! See why I'm having a hard time interpreting his feelings and desires?
I second all that has been
I second all that has been said before and will add that it is highly likely that he is talking to his friends who are married with step-children and are telling him what being a step-parent is really like. I know that each and every time a friend has told me she is dating a man with children I tell her to think VERY hard about what she is getting into. I wish someone had told me!
I was a newly divorced attorney with no children who had taken remarkably good care of herself and looked much younger than I actually was when I entered "stepworld." I love FH with all my soul but if I knew then what I knew now I would have never made a committment to him. I would have maintained my own home and life and spent time with him - and only him! - when we could. Moving in and becoming involved with his children was the biggest mistake of my life. I should have waited for them to graduate from school and then been together. Your BF is very likely hearing the same from those of us who have made the mistake and regret it.
I appreciate all of the
I appreciate all of the advice everyone, truly I do. I'm noticing a trend and I'm not going to remain ignorant of it. I want to do what's best for my daughter and this man.
However, a few more facts are needed. The sleepover, the few outings we have had together, spending the holidays together with my family...all of it has been his idea. I have done my best not to pressure him, only to let him take the lead and choose his own pace.
One more thing- he has already proposed to me. That's why the sleepover came so early, to start incorporating her more into our daily life.
The mixed signals are really confusing me. I think patience is the answer...
I told him that we need to
I told him that we need to wait to make things official. I know he loves me but I wanted him to be sure, because I know what a big deal this is. I'm not sure if he doesn't like/want to be around her or just doesn't feel anything towards her (he did say that, and that's ok). He wants kids of his own, so I know that that's not the problem. We communicate really well...but it doesn't sound like it, does it? Maybe he is just figuring out what he wants.
I agree with what someone above said, slow down a little, be patient, wait before bringing her out with us again. I just don't want him to get a false impression of what our life would be like, and I don't think we can accomplish that without having her around.
Why are you moving so fast?
Why are you moving so fast? Slow things down. Just because he's willing to spend time together, doesn't mean he wants to be a SD.
I stopped reading the
I stopped reading the responses nearly halfway through. I am a stepdad of 2, biodad is in the picture but he is very touch and go with the kids. I am their primary and best male role model. I knew my now wife and kids prior to our having a relationship for about a year and a half. My wife and I were just friends so the kids felt I was like an older brother until we realized there was something more between us. I don't have kids of my own, I'm 5 years younger than my wife - she was in her very early 30s and I in my mid twenties. I really had to have a come to Jesus meeting with myself and decide if having a relationship with her was what I wanted to fight for. My father was non-existent in my life & my stepdad wasn't around until I was in high school (a completely different story for another time). I had no real father/male role model of my own, but I ended up jumping in with both feet because I CARED for her kids and loved her. We have been together just over a year and a half, the kids and I love each other but it's not a father-child love. I know I'm a parent, I love being a parent, but I do wish I had my own to love me as a dad. It hurts to pour into them and for them to turn around and pour what I give them into biodad when he's such a loser (again, another story). I jumped into stepparenting, I overdid myself initially. I was trying to be everything I wished my father had been and I fizzled out. I disengaged and the kids noticed. My wife and I had a brief falling out and once again I had to decide whether my wife was worth fighting for, was she worth dealing with a jerk of a biodad and with bad days with kids that aren't mine and will never have "that bond" with me. I decided to stay, I have balanced my energy and efforts out better and I'm sticking it out. I love her kids, but truthfully, I wouldn't do stepparenting again, I wish I had my own and I don't have "that" connection of love with them because I wasn't there from the beginning. It builds some resentment toward biodad but I'm working on it. We hope to have our own in the future. Good luck, take your time. It's a culture shock to go from your own schedule to wife and kid(s). If he chooses you, support him and teach him so he knows what he's doing because he'll be lost.
I have 2 children from a
I have 2 children from a previous marriage and 2 children with my husband of 12 years. The older 2 are 23 and 20 and believe me my husband SD was great when they were little but as soon as they became teenagers everything about them annoyed him. He has told me that he would never recommend marrying someone with kids and believe me I would never have remarried and put my kids through all the heartache. The kids are innocent victims and they have enough to deal with when there is divorce. Don't marry until the kids are grown and out on there own. Good luck - hope all works out for you.
I think you need to have this
I think you need to have this guy come onto steptalk and take a look around. Have him read through some of the posts and forums, about what people are complaining about, and to see all the "negativity".
It sounds like he may be jumping into something he feels he "should" do. He sounds like he's trying to be the chivalrous hero to you and your daughter. Which is admirable, don't get me wrong. But it will surely result in heartache and resentment down the road.
i know i am late responding
i know i am late responding but i figured others may have the same issue and wanted to add my two cents . i got with my wife when i was 23 and still lived at home with mom . she had 2 kids . i was in no way interested in becoming a parent to her kids when we started seeing each other . oh how things changed . 16 years later i have passed being their SD , to being just their dad . kids have a way of growing on you .
as far as your fiance goes , he does not have to be her SD . he does not have to love her like she is his own kids . what he does have to do if understand that you come with a daughter . if he is to marry you than he has to do so with the understanding that he is going to be her father figure . he does not have to be her dad , he can just be " bill " . he does not have to love her like she is his own , he has to love her like she is his wifes own . he does not HAVE to be anything but a man who loves his wifes daughter like she is part of his family .
their relationship will take care of itself . he will get attached to beautiful little girl who is in his life every day . she will get attached to the only man she knows . one day she will probably say hey dad and he will answer yes honey and they will both remember that day their entire lives . but even if she doesnt call him dad , and he doesnt call her his daughter , they will still become family . they will become family because you make them that to each other .
He has a choice to make. If
He has a choice to make. If he wants to be with you as your equity life partner and make a life with you, he has to be her dad. Many won't agree with me but that is my experience.
I met my bride when SS was 15mos old and we married the week before he turned 2yo. Though initially I was not particularly enamored with his presence I had a choice to make. If I wanted a life with his mom I had to step up and be his dad. So, I stared acting like his dad. I played with him, read to him, I helped teach him to use the potty, to read, to ride his bike, I attended his school functions and parent teacher conferences, and eventually I had the epiphany that I was his dad regardless of his parental biology. His Sperm Idiot had visitation. Fortunately it was long distance so he only went to Sperm Land 3x per year. 5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk during spring break. We did have a few instances of "(Sperm GrandHag) says you are not my REAL dad and I can't call you dad" but those we dealt with directly and fairly easily. I explained to him what a Step Dad, what a BioDad is and what a REAL dad is.
SS: "Dad, (SpermGrandHag) says you are not my REAL dad, that you are only my StepDad and that I can't call you dad:
Rags: "Well son, we have had the talk before about step dads and bio dads. A step dad is the dad that is married to your mom. A bio dad is the dad that made you with your mom. But a REAL dad is the dad that goes to work every day and works hard so the family can have a nice place to live, safe cars to ride in, a safe neighborhood, good schools, good food, coaches your sports teams, teaches you to ride your bike, to read, use the toilet, tie your shoes,tucks you into bet at night, reads you a bedtime story, and who loves you and your mom very much.
SS: "A step dad sounds like a REAL dad to me. Can we go outside and play?"
My son (SS) is now 23yo. He asked me to adopt him 4mos ago. We got it done. Now he has the family name and I am on his birth certificate as his dad. I have always been his dad since his earliest memories but now we have the papers that confirm it. The Sperm Idiot ... he is just the same useless POS he has always been and my son has absolute clarity on that fact.
Your FDH needs clarity that to grow the feelings he is worried about not having for your DD he must take the actions of a dad. The feelings will grow. As her mom, you should not settle for anything less from the man who will be your equity life partner.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Never mind. This is a 3yo
Never mind. This is a 3yo thread.