It's my daughter this time.. Or so he says.
My daughter is 19. She graduated from high school last May. She has not had a job yet and she's still working on her license she she can drive alone. I've not really helped her very much. I've had serious financial issues. I divorced her father about 2 1/2 years ago. He was and is an alcoholic, sex addict and narcissist.
I've done good to move on and find some peace in my life. My bf and I recently moved in together after I had some serious financial difficulty when I had to have major surgery 3 months ago.
At this time, my daughter lived with me. I had to tell her to move i with her dad and his wife bc I couldn't really afford to feed her. Or pay the electric. It was at that time, my bf suggested that she move in with her dad, then I move in with him. His house is super small and there is no way we would all fit comfortably there.
She comes on the weekends to visit sometimes when his daughter (12) is in town.
Things are usually fine. My daughter can be lazy but she is 19 and she is a bit depressed. I'm seeing some improvement but it's very small. She suffers from anxiety. This has always held her back since she was very small.
She deals with it and we all try to work around it.
Long story short... I asked her to come to the house last weekend to house/dog sit for me since I had to go out of town w/ bf for his family's celebration.
No problem.
I told my daughter to make sure that everything was clean. Don't leave the place in a mess or dishes in the sink. My bf get's really pissy about anything she does.
So she vacuumed, changed litter box, took out trash, did a load of towels.
The place looked and smelled nice when we came home.
This morning my bf starts in on me about how I need to make her wor k more. That she didn't even unload the dishwasher or put away the dishes in the drainer and that even though she did about 30 mins of work.. she was there for 4 days. So why didn't she actually do something??
Excuse me?? I'm sorry.. she was house/dog sitting which is what I asked her to do.
Why should she come work when that's not what the agreement was?
Maybe someone can give me some feedback on this!
I don't want to seem that I'm playing favorites. I'm not. I expect my daughter to do chores. I know it's not a free ride. But then again.. this is not her house. When she visits she cleans up after herself and her dog.
Last weekend she left one dish in the sink and my bf was mad.
Threatening me that she can't come hang out if she keeps doing things like this.
I don't want to be somewhere where I can't have my kids comes. His daughter comes and it's disneyland every other weekend.
Why is my daughter the maid?
Why would you want to live
Why would you want to live with someone who dogs out your daughter like that?
He's normally a very rational
He's normally a very rational person. I'm not even sure where he's coming from on this.
I think he wants to give her more responsibility but she doesn't live there.. she just visits.
Yeh, she uses the internet and eats the food but so what??
I'm just trying to make sure I'm not nuts and that I'm not over reacting.
He thinks she's using us a a "crash pad" to get away on from her dad, whom she's not all that crazy to be living with but needs a place to live since she's not started college yet and hasn't got a job yet.
She does go out with her friends sometimes when she visits but she is 19 not 12.
I'm just tired. I was thinking that things were going so well and now this.
IS she using your place as a
IS she using your place as a crash pad? Does she show up often to use the computer and eat your food as though it were her own? Does she stay overnight other than when asked to watch the pets? Maybe he feels like she's taking advantage. I know I wouldn't like it if one of my adult skids just showed up whenever they felt like it, raided the refrigerator, used the computer, and crashed in the guest room.
Maybe you need to be on your
Maybe you need to be on your own for a while and figure out life for yourself. I'm afraid because you went from an abusive husband to a controlling bf.
Sounds like he is being a
Sounds like he is being a jerk. She did what you asked her to do, and like you said, she doesn't live there, so does he really expect her to clean the entire place when she is there???
On a side note: has she had any counseling or anything for her anxiety? Anxiety is an extremely difficult (if not impossible) thing to get over w/out help. I also suffer from anxiety and it has limited my life SO MUCH, so I just thought I'd suggest that.
He is being unreasonable.
He is being unreasonable. Honestly she should have been paid to housesit. I would question why he is treating your child so badly....
Your bf sounds like a dick.
Your bf sounds like a dick.
I'm with hippiegirl, if my
I'm with hippiegirl,
if my kid who no longer lives at home was nice enough to come and hang out with the pets AND do a couple of things around the house, I'd be grateful, not going after why she didn't do MORE!
he sounds like an a-hole
I agree, she did the two of
I agree, she did the two of you a favor.
First off, the mere fact that she vacuumed would earn her points in my book. Hell my lazy SD (27) never touched the vacuum, had to be reminded to wash her own dishes, and DH had to ask her to do towels they shared . . . . and she lived with us!
Your bf is being overly critical of her and a ridiculous jerk. Did she steal from him, or break anything or have loud parties? Of course not. She did exactly as you asked.
Your bf clearly has issues with your daughter, and you need to set him straight as often as necessary until he gets it. He needs to take his foot off her throat and find something else to complain about.
Next time hire a dog sitter.
Next time hire a dog sitter. When he sees the bill he might be a little less critcal of your daughter.
just to update...We discussed
just to update...We discussed this last night, again. I was very upset.
I pointed out to him that the issue is two-fold to me.
First, don't threaten me that my kids might not be able to hang out.
Secondly, I explained my side.. and why I didn't ask her to do anything more than just leave it like she found it.
She doesn't live here and she really has no ownership in the house as far as her own room or anything like that.
If that was the case, yes, I would expect her to pull her weight and maybe more if she was not working.
But the situation is that she is in a situation where she feels that she has no control, where she feels like she is stuck and has to deal with her dad and his crap, that yeh, coming to my place is a vacation for her.
I do understand his point of view as far as he does not wish for her to turn the visits into a habit where she sees our place as a crash pad. She should feel comfortable enough to jump in and do whatever she sees needs to be done if she's there and hanging out.
But I did point out that to me.. that is different than house & dog sitting.
I did good though, as much as I wanted to bring up how spoiled and lazy his 12 year old is.. I didn't.
I focused on my daughter. he said he is worried about her being able to move on with her life.. with no job and no car right now. I equally as worried but I can only do so much and you can only help someone so much.
I have to get on my feet financially to be able to help her.
Thank you for your comments.
Good for you for setting him
Good for you for setting him straight, and keeping the focus on your daughter.
Your bf is being overly critical. Your daughter is only 19 and just starting out, he makes her sound like a 35 year old deadbeat with no prospects.
Good luck.