Lida Pearl's picture

Disrespectful Adult Step Daughters

My husband and I got married a year ago. We dated prior to that about year and half. The 2 grown step daughters were fine with me and loved that their father was happy. He had been divorced from their mother 3 years before he met me. Their mother left their father for another man. Since we've gotten married the girls ages 38 and 28 are purposely disrespectful towards me. They send holiday cards without my name on them. They don't acknowledge my birthday either or my 2 sons. They constantly bring up how unhappy thier mother is and if he doesn't respond to his ex's text or responds with a yes or no then she is calling her daughters with her feelings hurt. Then in return they call him and chew him out for hurting their mother's feelings. If my sons were disrespectfull towards him I would make them be accountable for their actions. Their ages are 25 and 13. He doesn't anymore. He tried when they first did it but they would punish him by not calling or taking his calls. I have gotten to the point that I don't ask about them or respond when he does. He just makes excuses for their behavior and tells me he can't make them be nice. I disagree! He tells me give them time and things will be okay. What do I do?

Totalybogus's picture

First off, at their ages,

First off, at their ages, there is absolutely no reason the x should be contacting your H at all.

Second, I really don't see why you even want to have a relationship with them. The times that you will actually have to deal with them are probably during holidays and such. If I were you, I would just concentrate on being your husband's wife. You don't need to be involved with them in any other fashion.

Lida Pearl's picture

I have pretty much just

I have pretty much just ignored the ex and girls. I just have got to figure out how not to punish him for their actions. It's like he is trying to keep 2 families happy. The ex is constantly texting about her brothers and mother to him. Recently my husbands sister had surgery and the ex texted for her number to send her get well wishes. She could have gotten the number from her daughters. He thanked for caring and she responded "I'll never stop caring". Is he the one to blame or the ex?

StepAside's picture

He took vows to you. She

He took vows to you. She didn't.

Lida Pearl's picture

I was upset when I saw the

I was upset when I saw the response she left. I have talked to him about it but he doesn't get it. He thinks that he's just a nice guy and he really is. He never has anything negative to say about anyone. Even about his ex that cheated on him for 5 years. But what he doesn't realize is that each and everytime it happens it puts me in a bad place. It's like he is more concerned about "not" hurting her feelings or his daughters. Is he still committed to that family or is he is to me. Confused! I stay focused on what happens at my house and not anywhere else anymore. Too much drama!! About a year ago we had his grandsons b-day party to go to. She was coming in for it and at that time was just beside herself that he had a girlfriend. And told her daughter she might throw up when she saw me. He knew all this and wanted me to go. I did and along the way he asked that I wouldn't mention to anyone that he bought me the cowboy boots and jacket I had on for Xmas. He didn't want to add fuel to the fire. Pissed me off!! So I said you don't have to worry about that and since then I haven't worn them either. We get there and the ex sees us and goes sits by herself across the room. Like poor me. He said he felt like he needed to go say Hi to her and I was fine with that. They hadn't seen each other since the divorce 2 years ago. Anyways he ends up sitting over there for 45 mins chatting. I was sitting with some friends and family on the other side. I got very angry because first of all he never introduced me to her. I finally got up and started towards the door and I was leaving. I told him later you don't take your girlfriend somewhere and hangout with your ex! If you wanted to catch up do it on your time and not mine. He apologized and didn't realize what he had done and promised that wouldn't happen again. He just got caught up with chatting about family and friends. Come to find out his daughter had set this up to see what drama would come out of it. She admitted it later and thought it was all funny. Do you think he's wanting to let his ex know like Haha look at me I'm doing fine and don't you wish you hadn't of left me or do you think he's not over her? I know she thought the grass was greener on the other side when she left and the man she left him for didn't really have all that money he told he did.

StepAside's picture

Oh my goodness. We should

Oh my goodness. We should have a link that automatically gives you access to all the stories that have been told which are identical to yours. Just so many. I feel for you.

Your husband is laying down, because that's the easiest thing for him to do. He's allowing them to chew him out. He doesn't have to put up with that. He is choosing to.

However, he doesn't get to choose what you tolerate, unless YOU choose to let him make that choice.

Forget they are his daughters. Forget he even has daughters. Have ZERO expectations from them. I've been married 18 years. I've never even heard the words "Happy Birthday" come out of my grown SD's mouths. They don't acknowledge me for squat, and half the time, they don't acknowledge their own father. I could care less. Honestly, it's what I expect. Not a problem, as I have culled them from the list of folks who I care about and expect to behave kindly to me.

You are married to him, not them. Do exactly what goforit suggests. Out of sight and out of mind. Find other subjects to talk about. My SD's names are rarely even mentioned in our home.

Don't send them squat. If they don't acknowledge you, don't acknowledge them. I'm sure you don't have time in your life to spend chasing after two grown women who are acting like sand pounding toddlers. If they come over, get busy.... doing something else.

I heard a great sermon not too long ago. In the gyst of it, the preacher said that Jesus was kind, but he was not always nice.

The definition of nice is: Pleasant; agreeable; satisfactory

You are not a doormat, a punching bag, or yesterday's trash. You deserve to be treated with respect, as every person on this planet is. Those who act malicious have issues. Let them keep their issues and don't absorb them.

You can be kind, when you feel that they are ready to reciprocate. But do not chase them and trip over yourself trying to win them over. That just tells them you'll lay down in the face of their challenges.

You can also speak your mind if they challenge you directly. Nobody says your hands are tied, but you if you allow it.