Superdad454's picture

Nervous about our future....

Well SD19 got accepted into the National Guard and ships out in January, and now she seems to have totally given up on "giving a $hi7".

My angst comes in when we discuss the idea of "what happens if this doesn't work, or she drops out or gets kicked out?" I pointed out that the choices she makes on a almost weekly basis can put her at risk for bigger issues. I used the example of "If she got a DUII, that would exclude her from enlisting, and she would then be both unable to DRIVE and get to WORK, but unable to go to the NG." If something like that were to happen or any number of possible situations, like she gets pregnant, or just decides she is so "in love" she can't bare to be away from her love for so long... It basically puts her right back in the house doing nothing.

Mom just said she doesn't know what she would do, "she is my baby after all, I can't just kick her out onto the streets".
We watch lots of Intervention and reality TV like that and I pointed out how this is very similar to those situations, I told her that she is basically "enabling" SD to live like a child and never take responsibility for herself and it is a disservice to her as a parent. She didn't like that much obviously. Mom seems to just kind of hope that she will suddenly pull her head out of her @$$ which I know is not going to "just happen".

This last weekend I proved to myself I couldn't do it. The D had ONE chore she was supposed to do before she left the house, empty her cat's litter box that was full and sits near Mom's bedroom. She basically snuck out and then said she had forgotten about it, then "accidentally fell asleep" at her 34yr old BFs house so she never came home to do it. I took the litter box and put it in her room so she would basically trip over it when she came home and HER room would stink. Totally reasonable to me, well Mom got upset and told me to put it back and made a comment about "she's not your kid". So I can pretty much see how it would go it we were all living together, I am NOT passive and soft spoken enough to keep my mouth shut and I KNOW I would end up causing fights for "being rude" or "butting in".

When I "suggested" that I would not be able to move in and live there while the SD19 was still in the home she thought that was unreasonable and didn't understand why I would have a problem with that. Since it is almost a year off I decided to not make a big issue of it but now I fear for our plans for the future.

It just rubs me the wrong way to make Mom "choose" between me moving in and our life together and letting her daughter stay in the home until... whenever she chooses to leave?

Anyone have any ideas on how to package the idea that there would be "criteria" before I could move in and not sound like an ass?


dodgegal05's picture

Tell her what you expect if

Tell her what you expect if you move in. Figure out what you have to have to feel respected, loved, put first, and to be happy. tell her these things and if she cannot comply and make these conditions happen then id have to say, move on. If she can't understand why you need those things, thinks her daughter is more important, starts with "what if's?", makes excuses, any guilty parenting signs pop up then she probably cant put anyone first besides her daughter. its rought to say and rougher to leave some one you leave, but being in a unhealthy relationship is a lot worse later on down the road. Since you have time to think things through it'll help with the process.

"They never even gave me a first (chance) so I am not giving them a second." Me

trystme's picture

dodgegal is totally right.

dodgegal is totally right. She has to be able to put you first and if she can't do that then you need to move on because it will be nothing but heartache. Even if SD does move out now, the second things aren't working out for her on the outside world she'll be right back if her mom lets her.

Delilah's picture

I would continue stating you

I would continue stating you know you wouldnt be happy living with your gf and the set up that she has with sd, citing the kitty litter box, your reasonable consequence to this and gf response, as an example of how it wouldnt work.

Your gf has already shown you explicitly that she will brook no argument or what she would likely see as interference in relation to reprimanding her daughter or even consequences to broken expectations and house rules! Why would you crazily jump into that situation whereby you would feel frustrated, resentful and angry with sd AND gf? No one looks forward to living a life like that.

I guess the only way I would be persuaded (and it would take some persuading) would be if my OH showed me that the household dynamic had changed and for a considerable time period - so there would be consequences to sd's actions, a plan should sd's path be redirected, your voice wouldnt be disrespected or invalidated should you have anything reasonable to say...and thats just to start with!

Superdad454's picture

The biggie for me is the

The biggie for me is the "long term" situation for SD19. If I am not living there yet I can reasonably elect to stay out of that entire situation for now. But I do feel that I should get the details of what would happen if SD either gets kicked out of the guard, for some reason never GOES to Basic, or needs to live at home for a while after she gets out.

I can understand the concept of her needing a few weeks/months to "get her feet under herself" and get an apt and back to work etc, but I do want to set down a specific time frame for how long that courtesy is extended. As well as what the response will be if she shows back up in the following months if she is unable to live on her own.

For my son, I have told him as well as Mom that once he graduates, if he elects to not go into the Air Force, he has the option of renting a room from his grandmother or finding a room mate. I have made no suggestion that moving back in with me is even an option and I would like the same rules to apply to the SD's but I don't like my odds.

"My father loved us, but he wasn't IN love with us and I know he would have sacrificed one of us if it meant teaching the others a lesson for doing something tremendously stupid." Billy Gardell

Shannon61's picture

You have cause to be nervous.

You have cause to be nervous. Enabled adult children always remain home longer than planned. My SD was only going to live w/us until she finished school . . .it took 3 years. During that time she pretended to look for work for a year. She was also lazy, triffling, and mean-spirited to me. When I mentioned the issues to DH he got angry that I had the nerve to say anything against precious SD.

Most of our argument centered around SD and I was ready to leave the marriage. He finally wised up after I told him that he if didn't set her straight I was going to pack my stuff and move out.

If you move in and she moves back home for any reason, she'll likely stay longer than the initial agreement. You already know she's lazy and doesn't keep her word. And unless you're the same way, living w/a slob will cause problems. Not to mention she may also have plans on pushing you out. Make it clear to your fiance that you want your marriage to work and you prefer that the two of you live alone . . even if you have to help SD get her own place if she tries to move in. The peace of mind will be worth it.

AVR1962's picture

You ahve it all figured out

You ahve it all figured out and I think you have made real good steps to try and make change but it sounds like mom is definately enabling and having a hard time seeing her daughter as an adult who has to be repsonsible for herself, and she is letting her relationship with you siffer because of it and I seriously doubt that she can see it. Very unfortunate!

drivemecrazy's picture

I am in such a similar

I am in such a similar position, except i moved in 3 yrs ago, and married a year ago. SS just went to basic for National Guard. He is lazy has never had a job, lives at home, he has 2 small dogs that stay in his room cuz they are not trained. the dogs do not get taken outside so long story short, my house smells!! im talking disgusting! Does not pick up after himself. I can pick up stuff SS has left in the living room and put them right in front of SS bedroom door and he will just walk over them. Dad always takes up for his son, makes excuses, promises ME he will put a stop to it but doesnt. I think you should definately consider if you do move in and things do not change, then what? Because im right there now, in that position.I thought my husband was the man of the family and would lay down rules or just common courtesy. I have been mistaken. I dont know if it will change when SS gets home from basic if he even sticks it out that long, but if it does not change i will have to make a choice i suppose.

calmlady's picture

I'm telling you now

I'm telling you now drivemecrazy that life (your life) is to short to put up with anything this disgusting!!! 36 is a great age!!! You deserve respect and you need to set boundries now!!! I'm sorry you are NOT the one that should have to settle!!! You married the dad - if dad loves you he will fix it!!! So, be very calm and non-emotional when you tell him what you need!!! Otherwise I would rethink ALL of it!!! I know you dream of that clean, smell good, home.... I have it and am enjoying it... you should too. LOL

stired_crazy's picture

Your in a headache of a

Your in a headache of a situation ONLY because mom there isn't wanting to recognize her baby is not baby anymore. If SD keeps being coddled by her mother there is no room for SD to grow and learn accountability as adult, mom there seems to except this behavior and needs to cut the apron strings. Its hard for and I understand that..because I went thru it my BS, But when he started becoming more of a issue and a dran in the home and on my relationship with my BF I had to make some hard choices and believe me "It was hard" for one because this is the only child I ever had, but I could not longer continue to condone his bad habits or the fact I was the fall back guy for my son. If she can get the concept of backing off from her daughter t will be easier for her to start making a genuine life wth you. On the positive side...If SD is going to leave this will give her mother a taste of what it will be like NOT having her there :)She may find it is so less stressful and more peaceful and neat and clean around the house with her gone. At first she will say how she misses her baby but once adjusted to the fact she is not there no more that feeling will pass. I would say in my opnion..hang in there and see how BM handles D being gone first,from my personal opnion when kids are out of the house it really is a BIG difference of peace and drama free. Good Luck to you!

I saved a life today...ask me how HAHAHAHAHAHA !!!!!
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